Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays?

Its been so long since I took the time to write in my blog. I guess I never make "me time" like I should. I'm going to rectify that asap.

Tonight is Christmas Eve. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Not for what I get, but I find great joy in giving to others. It makes me happy to make others happy. Of course I have to deal with my own personal blues this time of year, but after so many days of knowing loneliness, its like slipping into a pair of old jeans. They are a little scratchy but familiar.

This Christmas is different. My partner does not celebrate Christmas-she does not really believe in the story of Jesus. She says she is spiritual, not religious. I have no problem with her beliefs, everyone is entitled to believe whatever their heart tells them to believe.

What makes it hard is that no matter how hard I try to keep my spirits up, she keeps bringing them down. She is so critical of everything-me, my son, my housekeeping, his manners. I am starting to document every critical thing she says in comparison to the positive assessments that she makes. For example--I cleaned everything after I worked a full day on her business. She didnt even acknowledge it. But she made a point to mention that my son left a glass downstairs, that he mixed up the recycling...She doesn't say anything about all of the housework he does-how clean his room is, how well he cleans the living room or how he does whatever we ask him to without any problem.

It makes me sad, because he has had such a hard life and he is really trying to get his life on track. I have to constantly tell him to do this and do that-little nitpicky things. Today she said he had horrible manners and all he did was come into the room (the door was open) without knocking. She said this with a mouthful of food. She always talks with a mouthful of food-I keep telling her that bothers me but then she gets irritated...so I just shut up.

Just shut up...That seems to be the mantra of my life. I just shut up. No matter what she says to me, I just shut up. No matter how many little things she finds to criticise, I just shut up. It makes life easier. Im always "overly sensitive" if I say something. Or Im being protective, or not listening, or just plain wrong. I don't know how I can be wrong all the time.

I mean, Im wrong about every single thing. If I find what is in my opinion a better place to put something, Im wrong. If I try to organize things, Im wrong. Its like I don't know anything-like Im some hood version of Eliza Doolittle. She thinks I never had anything, never gave my kids anything...And its so not true.

No matter what I say, she never believes me. I tried to tell her we come from a middle class family, that I had lots of advantages. I tried to explain how when things went south, I fought through. My kids never suffered. It wasn't easy, I made tons of mistakes....

But I guess the lesson I have to learn is to stop explaining and complaining and crying. Last year, when things went badly, I got off my buttocks and got 2 jobs-I worked myself to death and figured out a way to make it. Its time to do that again. Past time. I had to sacrifice some of the things that I wanted, in order to make it happen. Its that time again. This time, Im starting out way behind the 8ball. Wayyyy behind. I don't have any savings, I don't have a job. What needs to happen is I need a JOB right now.

I tried to apply everywhere-even Target-and nothing. After the beginning of the year, I need to find something. I have to sacrifice Olivia, thats just how it has to be. I need to be in my own space by March. I need to set my goals and hit the goals. I need to do something. My life is in a sad limbo and its not the life I am supposed to live.

My mistake-my poor judgement-I need to pay the consequences. But not my kids. Its not too late to make things right where they are concerned. Here are my goals and a timeline.

January--Find 2 jobs that equate to bringing home $2500 a month
February--Pay off any open credit cards (income tax time...)
March--Find apartment here in Vallejo or near jobs
April--Find a 3rd job if needed and start preparing to relocate unless the job is pretty good.

I also will lose 40lbs between now and April. That is my vow.

Ok, in the course of writing in my blog tonite, Im also on a quest to drink an entire bottle of red wine. Its starting to kick in, so I must go now.

Later,

DY