Today's Mood: Curious and Weird
Today has been interesting, and yet not really. LOL. I woke up, worked out, ate healthy stuff all day. I had some great news-found out that one of the dominoes that needed to fall into place fell.
I enjoyed a peaceful day, hung out with my son. It was interesting because I spent time online with my friends. I got a lot of insight into where she is with her relationship. I found some potential classes that I have been interested in taking.
Whats weird and curious is that I have been encountering all of these interesting women lately. Not just potential lover interesting, but interesting in general. My new Bff is extremely interesting. She has so many diverse interests. She has been through a lot of things but has the most amazing capacity for empathy. My other bff is an amazing woman-running her own successful business while maintaining a healthy, down-home sensibility.
Then there are the others-the ex and the newbie. I still have residual feelings for my ex-I am forever going to be unsure if she was my soul mate. We will never know, but what we had between us is real and deep. Im not going back to where she lives, and she is content with her life.
The newbie is extremely interesting. I don't know if anything will ever come from it. Im hoping at this point for a lasting new friendship. She is a great person and full of love and compassion. She is the kind of person that you want to always have in your corner.
I remember something my partner said in the midst of one of her rants. She said I was better at long distance relationships because I don't open up fully. If Im maintaining one of those, then I can have all the space that I need, and still make the other person feel like they have all of my attention. Then I think about my last relationship and know thats not true. I was open with my last partner, but she was not judgemental of me. With this relationship, everything is analyzed and critiqued, and then brought back up whenever there is a problem. That has never happened before. But then, none of this stuff has ever happened to me before.
So today I was looking out the window, watching the birds fly in the sun-bright sky. It was lovely day, and I realized that my clipped wings are healing. Even my ex said that today-she could tell that my spirit was on the rise.
So curious and weird-Im very curious as to what the future holds. What is going to happen with the opportunities floating around me. Weird about being stuck in this gilded cage. Happy to be feeling the wind beneath my damaged wings.
KM
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Bored and Buzzed
Today's Mood: Chilled
I'm relaxed tonight, after 2 glasses of the very great wine find that I stumbled upon. Of course right now the name of that beautiful ruby elixer eludes me...I will fill it in later.
Im feeling good tonight. My medication is working to alleviate my high blood pressure. Im also feeling good about my relationship-if I can still call it that. I listened to her talk for 2 hours this morning. Two hours straight...My input encompassed about 15 words in 2 hours. I am so proud of myself because I did not interject at all. If I did, it would have ruined everything. As it stands now, she is content. I have to learn not to say anything-not to agree or disagree. It makes it much easier on me. Yes, I will have a long lecture, but at least it wont lead ot histrionics and tears.
Life is so weird. Im concerned about my ex. I haven't heard from her. Last night I had the craziest dream that I was trying to get to her in Houston from Cali-first I started out in a car, then I was on a bike. Many things kept popping up to keep me from her. I am afraid that she is in trouble or suffering. She hasn't answered my texts or calls. Hopefully she is partying it up somewhere outside of the country and cannot be reached. I will try her again tomorrow.
I miss my new friend, A. We have been having fun email correspondence over the last few days. Its nice to have a platonic friend or two that think you are interesting. I miss that.
Im gonna cut it short tonight, even though I skipped last night. I am more concerned about my ex than I want to say, the wine is hitting me, and as I listen to her snore, I feel a little lonely. The embrace of sleep will comfort me. I wil be fine as I drift on that black, satiny wave into the blissful oblivion of nothingness and everything.
Good night!
d.o.
I'm relaxed tonight, after 2 glasses of the very great wine find that I stumbled upon. Of course right now the name of that beautiful ruby elixer eludes me...I will fill it in later.
Im feeling good tonight. My medication is working to alleviate my high blood pressure. Im also feeling good about my relationship-if I can still call it that. I listened to her talk for 2 hours this morning. Two hours straight...My input encompassed about 15 words in 2 hours. I am so proud of myself because I did not interject at all. If I did, it would have ruined everything. As it stands now, she is content. I have to learn not to say anything-not to agree or disagree. It makes it much easier on me. Yes, I will have a long lecture, but at least it wont lead ot histrionics and tears.
Life is so weird. Im concerned about my ex. I haven't heard from her. Last night I had the craziest dream that I was trying to get to her in Houston from Cali-first I started out in a car, then I was on a bike. Many things kept popping up to keep me from her. I am afraid that she is in trouble or suffering. She hasn't answered my texts or calls. Hopefully she is partying it up somewhere outside of the country and cannot be reached. I will try her again tomorrow.
I miss my new friend, A. We have been having fun email correspondence over the last few days. Its nice to have a platonic friend or two that think you are interesting. I miss that.
Im gonna cut it short tonight, even though I skipped last night. I am more concerned about my ex than I want to say, the wine is hitting me, and as I listen to her snore, I feel a little lonely. The embrace of sleep will comfort me. I wil be fine as I drift on that black, satiny wave into the blissful oblivion of nothingness and everything.
Good night!
d.o.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
And They Keep Tumbling Down...
Today's Mood: Tired and Excited at the same time
This has been an interesting day. Its amazing how one day can be filled with so many emotions. It started out great-I worked out, ate well, and went right to work. I was pretty productive and made some great progress.
Then it got even better. I heard from the job opportunitiy that Ive been hoping for. This is the most concrete possibility that has come my way from them ever. I just have to wait a bit longer and I will know something. I feel in my heart that it will be positive, I just have to stay prayerful.
Then it took a nosedive. I have to say that I was proud of myself for maintaining my composure. My partner started in on me about my son, about every little thing. She makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. No wonder my blood pressure is so high. Its out of control right now-the medicine is not even really helping. I know its high when I can feel my pulse in my ear and neck. When I get that slight headache.
And then, she really made me pause when she said that she stayed in her little room because she didnt want to be around my son. I could see if he was doing things wrong or being disrespectful. The kid is trying so hard to do things right. He, too is walking on eggshells. He has to basically ask before he gets a glass of juice. We catalogued all of the food in the cabinets-he knows what belongs to me so that he doesnt accidentally eat anything that she really likes.
He gets up early every day, cleans up, does other chores, and basically follows a schedule like he is in prison-to try to make her comfortable. And he doesnt complain, well not too much.
Annnd THEN she really let me know how she felt. She told me that she was not trying to be intimate with me while he lives here! LOL. I have been trying hard to get him into Job Corps but that made me kinda feel like perhaps I should slow it down. I mean, if she doesn't want to be with me because my son is here, I think thats crazy! I don't have a desire to be with her in that way anyway-she doesnt turn me on at all.
Whenever she goes into her full-blown crazy mode, she starts looking so unattractive to me. I don't see anything lovely or sexy in her. I can muster up some passion, but its not coming honestly or easily. Its so funny to me, but when she is in her normal, right mind-I can find myself attracted to her.
So she said that to me! I was stunned, but also a bit relieved. I don't know why she is that way. Our home-no her home-is quiet. Its clean. I work hard to book gigs for her. She basically does nothing all day. The most she does is fix herself something to eat. I fix stuff for me and my son, wash the animals, clean up after her dog almost all the time. Yet, she is always tired and my son is making her uncomfortable. I don't get it. He barely talks to anyone and he really likes her-or he did.
Another interesting thing happened today. I did a test. Over the last 4 or 5 days, I left clean laundry in the dryer. They sat there until I got them out. I also tried to leave dishes in the sink but I couldn't take it for more than a few hours. Again, nothing. She does nothing. She plays on the internet, talks on the phone and writes her Great Novel. I just don't get it.
All I have to say is that something has to give. Im tired, tired, tired. I finally feel that its going to be ok. Im ready to enter the workplace. If I have to work 3 different jobs, I will. Im definitely going to school for that billing class. Somehow.
Im so inspired by the movie Benjamin Buttons. I saw it at the perfect time. I have to start over, I cannot let fear keep me a hostage. Its ridiculous. I think of the women that lived with me. I never made them feel like this. I always let them have a home. Everything was ours. The one with kids, I made sure I took care of her son like mine. Its just very hard but my heart has closed shop.
Thats enough for now. I will keep my fingers, toes, eyes, weave, everything crossed for this job. I hate that I won't hear anything until next week. I know I will hear something by Monday and if its not good, I will go out job hunting on my own. I have to find something and I am having very little luck with the internet.
Anyway, thats it for tonight. Oh yea, my new friend is very interesting. I have to be careful not to cross any boundaries with her or anyone else. I don't need any bad karma. Not now.
See u tomorrow!
LD
This has been an interesting day. Its amazing how one day can be filled with so many emotions. It started out great-I worked out, ate well, and went right to work. I was pretty productive and made some great progress.
Then it got even better. I heard from the job opportunitiy that Ive been hoping for. This is the most concrete possibility that has come my way from them ever. I just have to wait a bit longer and I will know something. I feel in my heart that it will be positive, I just have to stay prayerful.
Then it took a nosedive. I have to say that I was proud of myself for maintaining my composure. My partner started in on me about my son, about every little thing. She makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. No wonder my blood pressure is so high. Its out of control right now-the medicine is not even really helping. I know its high when I can feel my pulse in my ear and neck. When I get that slight headache.
And then, she really made me pause when she said that she stayed in her little room because she didnt want to be around my son. I could see if he was doing things wrong or being disrespectful. The kid is trying so hard to do things right. He, too is walking on eggshells. He has to basically ask before he gets a glass of juice. We catalogued all of the food in the cabinets-he knows what belongs to me so that he doesnt accidentally eat anything that she really likes.
He gets up early every day, cleans up, does other chores, and basically follows a schedule like he is in prison-to try to make her comfortable. And he doesnt complain, well not too much.
Annnd THEN she really let me know how she felt. She told me that she was not trying to be intimate with me while he lives here! LOL. I have been trying hard to get him into Job Corps but that made me kinda feel like perhaps I should slow it down. I mean, if she doesn't want to be with me because my son is here, I think thats crazy! I don't have a desire to be with her in that way anyway-she doesnt turn me on at all.
Whenever she goes into her full-blown crazy mode, she starts looking so unattractive to me. I don't see anything lovely or sexy in her. I can muster up some passion, but its not coming honestly or easily. Its so funny to me, but when she is in her normal, right mind-I can find myself attracted to her.
So she said that to me! I was stunned, but also a bit relieved. I don't know why she is that way. Our home-no her home-is quiet. Its clean. I work hard to book gigs for her. She basically does nothing all day. The most she does is fix herself something to eat. I fix stuff for me and my son, wash the animals, clean up after her dog almost all the time. Yet, she is always tired and my son is making her uncomfortable. I don't get it. He barely talks to anyone and he really likes her-or he did.
Another interesting thing happened today. I did a test. Over the last 4 or 5 days, I left clean laundry in the dryer. They sat there until I got them out. I also tried to leave dishes in the sink but I couldn't take it for more than a few hours. Again, nothing. She does nothing. She plays on the internet, talks on the phone and writes her Great Novel. I just don't get it.
All I have to say is that something has to give. Im tired, tired, tired. I finally feel that its going to be ok. Im ready to enter the workplace. If I have to work 3 different jobs, I will. Im definitely going to school for that billing class. Somehow.
Im so inspired by the movie Benjamin Buttons. I saw it at the perfect time. I have to start over, I cannot let fear keep me a hostage. Its ridiculous. I think of the women that lived with me. I never made them feel like this. I always let them have a home. Everything was ours. The one with kids, I made sure I took care of her son like mine. Its just very hard but my heart has closed shop.
Thats enough for now. I will keep my fingers, toes, eyes, weave, everything crossed for this job. I hate that I won't hear anything until next week. I know I will hear something by Monday and if its not good, I will go out job hunting on my own. I have to find something and I am having very little luck with the internet.
Anyway, thats it for tonight. Oh yea, my new friend is very interesting. I have to be careful not to cross any boundaries with her or anyone else. I don't need any bad karma. Not now.
See u tomorrow!
LD
Click, Clack
Today's Mood: Interested
This was a good day. I got up, worked out...I ate well pretty much all day. No cheating on the diet, but finding good, healthy foods to keep me full. I spent time online with my friends, and actually did some work!
Tomorrow is going to be either a great day or a huge disappointment. I have a chat with the person that I want to offer me a job. If she does not say the right things, its still going to be fine. It will just signal another domino to fall into place. I know in my heart that I need to find a job and make plans to find a place to live. That is my first priority, well after the diet/workout.
One other interesting thing...My friends have all told me that when I free myself of this relationship, my true love will come into my life. What makes it interesting is that Im meeting people who are intriguing. Im meeting people who inspire me to work harder to gain my freedom.
Speaking of freedom, thats what Im getting tattooed on my wrist. I found a great symbol, and Im getting it the week I move into my own place. I feel kinda blue underneath the excitement. My partner makes me feel so unattractive. We have had so many problems, but we agreed to try to work things out. If we are going to try, we BOTH need to try. Its too easy to sit back and just be roomies, but a part of me is afraid that will lead to another blow up. My health can't handle that. At this point, I just need to hang in for about another month or so. Then everything will be fine.
Im too tired to write anything earth-shattering today, so Im going to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow I will have some great things to discuss.
Later!
V
This was a good day. I got up, worked out...I ate well pretty much all day. No cheating on the diet, but finding good, healthy foods to keep me full. I spent time online with my friends, and actually did some work!
Tomorrow is going to be either a great day or a huge disappointment. I have a chat with the person that I want to offer me a job. If she does not say the right things, its still going to be fine. It will just signal another domino to fall into place. I know in my heart that I need to find a job and make plans to find a place to live. That is my first priority, well after the diet/workout.
One other interesting thing...My friends have all told me that when I free myself of this relationship, my true love will come into my life. What makes it interesting is that Im meeting people who are intriguing. Im meeting people who inspire me to work harder to gain my freedom.
Speaking of freedom, thats what Im getting tattooed on my wrist. I found a great symbol, and Im getting it the week I move into my own place. I feel kinda blue underneath the excitement. My partner makes me feel so unattractive. We have had so many problems, but we agreed to try to work things out. If we are going to try, we BOTH need to try. Its too easy to sit back and just be roomies, but a part of me is afraid that will lead to another blow up. My health can't handle that. At this point, I just need to hang in for about another month or so. Then everything will be fine.
Im too tired to write anything earth-shattering today, so Im going to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow I will have some great things to discuss.
Later!
V
Monday, January 5, 2009
New Year, New Me!
Well, 2009 is here, and Im trying to go into it with a whole new attitude. Im using the idea of Dominos. I feel like my plan for my life is set up like a domino display. I have a few lead strands, but once those leads are tipped over, everything will fall in a gorgeous, and exciting display.
I tipped one of the lead rows today. I started working out and watching what I put into my body. I weighed in, and I need (want) to lose 40 lbs. Of course, if I lose 20, I will be happy, 25 would be perfect. I don't think the 40 is really gonna happen. Ive never been that thin. But its a good goal for the entire year. This domino tipped my dressing better and fixing myself up domino. It lead to my feeling confident, daily domino. So it was a succesful start, and I keep hearing the clicking as this pattern continues to unfurl.
The next side is going to be finding a job. I have a brilliant idea-I just don't know if I should discuss it with the company that Im interested in or not. I think that I should just go for it, and let the chips fall where they may. If they don't like it, then its fine. I have other options and plans.
The next tier that will fall once I find a job is finding a place here in or near our town. That way I can start to stand on my own 2 feet again. If things are meant to work out with my partner, they will. I think living apart may be the smartest thing. We will be able to see whats what. I need to pay off my Macy's and other credit cards first, so that I only have my insurance, car note, health insurance, and the bills associated with renting a place.Right now, my total bills can be knocked down a good bit, so thats one of the dominos that has to fall.
Im excited to have made it through the first day. I think I stayed under 1200 calories, and had very little fat. I had some carbs, but thats ok. As long as I cut back and watch everything, I will be fine. Plus the workout is going to make a difference.
So, today I spent time online with one of my favorite friends. I will probably always have the biggest crush on her, but we are destined to be just great friends. I guess sometimes thats better than being lovers. The intimacy that friends share can be deeper, as is evident by my current relationship. Its interesting though, to feel that umph again. I miss feeling that tingle.
I don't know if my partner and I will ever be able to work through our differences and find a place of pure happiness. Im just not sure. I feel that she is not really focused on me as a woman, and I know that my attention is waning. We both need to work hard to find out if something is still there. If not, we need to just deal with the loss and start preparing to move on.
Im not going to stress about it. I almost died the day after Christmas, so I cannot afford to stress. Its not worth it anyway. I gave all that I can give, and Im working hard to be a good partner. If it doesnt work, I cant say that I didnt try my best.
Who knows what the future holds. I just want happiness and passion. And friendship. And laughter. And honesty. And....everything. Thats not too much, right?
Until tomorrow or whenever,
G
I tipped one of the lead rows today. I started working out and watching what I put into my body. I weighed in, and I need (want) to lose 40 lbs. Of course, if I lose 20, I will be happy, 25 would be perfect. I don't think the 40 is really gonna happen. Ive never been that thin. But its a good goal for the entire year. This domino tipped my dressing better and fixing myself up domino. It lead to my feeling confident, daily domino. So it was a succesful start, and I keep hearing the clicking as this pattern continues to unfurl.
The next side is going to be finding a job. I have a brilliant idea-I just don't know if I should discuss it with the company that Im interested in or not. I think that I should just go for it, and let the chips fall where they may. If they don't like it, then its fine. I have other options and plans.
The next tier that will fall once I find a job is finding a place here in or near our town. That way I can start to stand on my own 2 feet again. If things are meant to work out with my partner, they will. I think living apart may be the smartest thing. We will be able to see whats what. I need to pay off my Macy's and other credit cards first, so that I only have my insurance, car note, health insurance, and the bills associated with renting a place.Right now, my total bills can be knocked down a good bit, so thats one of the dominos that has to fall.
Im excited to have made it through the first day. I think I stayed under 1200 calories, and had very little fat. I had some carbs, but thats ok. As long as I cut back and watch everything, I will be fine. Plus the workout is going to make a difference.
So, today I spent time online with one of my favorite friends. I will probably always have the biggest crush on her, but we are destined to be just great friends. I guess sometimes thats better than being lovers. The intimacy that friends share can be deeper, as is evident by my current relationship. Its interesting though, to feel that umph again. I miss feeling that tingle.
I don't know if my partner and I will ever be able to work through our differences and find a place of pure happiness. Im just not sure. I feel that she is not really focused on me as a woman, and I know that my attention is waning. We both need to work hard to find out if something is still there. If not, we need to just deal with the loss and start preparing to move on.
Im not going to stress about it. I almost died the day after Christmas, so I cannot afford to stress. Its not worth it anyway. I gave all that I can give, and Im working hard to be a good partner. If it doesnt work, I cant say that I didnt try my best.
Who knows what the future holds. I just want happiness and passion. And friendship. And laughter. And honesty. And....everything. Thats not too much, right?
Until tomorrow or whenever,
G
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays?
Its been so long since I took the time to write in my blog. I guess I never make "me time" like I should. I'm going to rectify that asap.
Tonight is Christmas Eve. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Not for what I get, but I find great joy in giving to others. It makes me happy to make others happy. Of course I have to deal with my own personal blues this time of year, but after so many days of knowing loneliness, its like slipping into a pair of old jeans. They are a little scratchy but familiar.
This Christmas is different. My partner does not celebrate Christmas-she does not really believe in the story of Jesus. She says she is spiritual, not religious. I have no problem with her beliefs, everyone is entitled to believe whatever their heart tells them to believe.
What makes it hard is that no matter how hard I try to keep my spirits up, she keeps bringing them down. She is so critical of everything-me, my son, my housekeeping, his manners. I am starting to document every critical thing she says in comparison to the positive assessments that she makes. For example--I cleaned everything after I worked a full day on her business. She didnt even acknowledge it. But she made a point to mention that my son left a glass downstairs, that he mixed up the recycling...She doesn't say anything about all of the housework he does-how clean his room is, how well he cleans the living room or how he does whatever we ask him to without any problem.
It makes me sad, because he has had such a hard life and he is really trying to get his life on track. I have to constantly tell him to do this and do that-little nitpicky things. Today she said he had horrible manners and all he did was come into the room (the door was open) without knocking. She said this with a mouthful of food. She always talks with a mouthful of food-I keep telling her that bothers me but then she gets irritated...so I just shut up.
Just shut up...That seems to be the mantra of my life. I just shut up. No matter what she says to me, I just shut up. No matter how many little things she finds to criticise, I just shut up. It makes life easier. Im always "overly sensitive" if I say something. Or Im being protective, or not listening, or just plain wrong. I don't know how I can be wrong all the time.
I mean, Im wrong about every single thing. If I find what is in my opinion a better place to put something, Im wrong. If I try to organize things, Im wrong. Its like I don't know anything-like Im some hood version of Eliza Doolittle. She thinks I never had anything, never gave my kids anything...And its so not true.
No matter what I say, she never believes me. I tried to tell her we come from a middle class family, that I had lots of advantages. I tried to explain how when things went south, I fought through. My kids never suffered. It wasn't easy, I made tons of mistakes....
But I guess the lesson I have to learn is to stop explaining and complaining and crying. Last year, when things went badly, I got off my buttocks and got 2 jobs-I worked myself to death and figured out a way to make it. Its time to do that again. Past time. I had to sacrifice some of the things that I wanted, in order to make it happen. Its that time again. This time, Im starting out way behind the 8ball. Wayyyy behind. I don't have any savings, I don't have a job. What needs to happen is I need a JOB right now.
I tried to apply everywhere-even Target-and nothing. After the beginning of the year, I need to find something. I have to sacrifice Olivia, thats just how it has to be. I need to be in my own space by March. I need to set my goals and hit the goals. I need to do something. My life is in a sad limbo and its not the life I am supposed to live.
My mistake-my poor judgement-I need to pay the consequences. But not my kids. Its not too late to make things right where they are concerned. Here are my goals and a timeline.
January--Find 2 jobs that equate to bringing home $2500 a month
February--Pay off any open credit cards (income tax time...)
March--Find apartment here in Vallejo or near jobs
April--Find a 3rd job if needed and start preparing to relocate unless the job is pretty good.
I also will lose 40lbs between now and April. That is my vow.
Ok, in the course of writing in my blog tonite, Im also on a quest to drink an entire bottle of red wine. Its starting to kick in, so I must go now.
Later,
DY
Its been so long since I took the time to write in my blog. I guess I never make "me time" like I should. I'm going to rectify that asap.
Tonight is Christmas Eve. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Not for what I get, but I find great joy in giving to others. It makes me happy to make others happy. Of course I have to deal with my own personal blues this time of year, but after so many days of knowing loneliness, its like slipping into a pair of old jeans. They are a little scratchy but familiar.
This Christmas is different. My partner does not celebrate Christmas-she does not really believe in the story of Jesus. She says she is spiritual, not religious. I have no problem with her beliefs, everyone is entitled to believe whatever their heart tells them to believe.
What makes it hard is that no matter how hard I try to keep my spirits up, she keeps bringing them down. She is so critical of everything-me, my son, my housekeeping, his manners. I am starting to document every critical thing she says in comparison to the positive assessments that she makes. For example--I cleaned everything after I worked a full day on her business. She didnt even acknowledge it. But she made a point to mention that my son left a glass downstairs, that he mixed up the recycling...She doesn't say anything about all of the housework he does-how clean his room is, how well he cleans the living room or how he does whatever we ask him to without any problem.
It makes me sad, because he has had such a hard life and he is really trying to get his life on track. I have to constantly tell him to do this and do that-little nitpicky things. Today she said he had horrible manners and all he did was come into the room (the door was open) without knocking. She said this with a mouthful of food. She always talks with a mouthful of food-I keep telling her that bothers me but then she gets irritated...so I just shut up.
Just shut up...That seems to be the mantra of my life. I just shut up. No matter what she says to me, I just shut up. No matter how many little things she finds to criticise, I just shut up. It makes life easier. Im always "overly sensitive" if I say something. Or Im being protective, or not listening, or just plain wrong. I don't know how I can be wrong all the time.
I mean, Im wrong about every single thing. If I find what is in my opinion a better place to put something, Im wrong. If I try to organize things, Im wrong. Its like I don't know anything-like Im some hood version of Eliza Doolittle. She thinks I never had anything, never gave my kids anything...And its so not true.
No matter what I say, she never believes me. I tried to tell her we come from a middle class family, that I had lots of advantages. I tried to explain how when things went south, I fought through. My kids never suffered. It wasn't easy, I made tons of mistakes....
But I guess the lesson I have to learn is to stop explaining and complaining and crying. Last year, when things went badly, I got off my buttocks and got 2 jobs-I worked myself to death and figured out a way to make it. Its time to do that again. Past time. I had to sacrifice some of the things that I wanted, in order to make it happen. Its that time again. This time, Im starting out way behind the 8ball. Wayyyy behind. I don't have any savings, I don't have a job. What needs to happen is I need a JOB right now.
I tried to apply everywhere-even Target-and nothing. After the beginning of the year, I need to find something. I have to sacrifice Olivia, thats just how it has to be. I need to be in my own space by March. I need to set my goals and hit the goals. I need to do something. My life is in a sad limbo and its not the life I am supposed to live.
My mistake-my poor judgement-I need to pay the consequences. But not my kids. Its not too late to make things right where they are concerned. Here are my goals and a timeline.
January--Find 2 jobs that equate to bringing home $2500 a month
February--Pay off any open credit cards (income tax time...)
March--Find apartment here in Vallejo or near jobs
April--Find a 3rd job if needed and start preparing to relocate unless the job is pretty good.
I also will lose 40lbs between now and April. That is my vow.
Ok, in the course of writing in my blog tonite, Im also on a quest to drink an entire bottle of red wine. Its starting to kick in, so I must go now.
Later,
DY
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Alone
Today's Mood: Invisible
Today is the anniversary of the death of my grandmother, Priscilla W. Rumley. She was the best person in the world, the only person who was all mine. She loved me unconditionally, more completely than anyone ever has before. I miss her so much.
Today is especially hard because I feel so alone. Alone. That word is powerful and encompasses everything that is me, at this moment. This is a feeling I wouldnt wish on anyone. To know that while there are some people out there who may listen to you, they may care for you, there is no one, No One person who is all for you. That if there is a problem, you can only depend on you? To know that there is not one person thinking of you, caring for you just because.
My Grandmother saved me from so many things. She was there for me when my mother made me feel small. She was there when I was promiscuous-and helped me live through that. I never told her why I was acting out, but I think she knows that something happened to me in my childhood. She has to know, she was always so gentle with me. Yes, she could get feisty when she needed to, and she didnt take any stuff from me or anyone else. But I always, always knew she was for me.
I sit here thinking about this relationship that I am in. I am 99.9% sure its not going to work. I have done everything I can, tried to be there, tried to cook, clean, praise, love, support.....Even after I found out how she betrayed my trust, I still swallowed the pain and just tried to make it work.
A good friend sent me an email and what it basically said is that if you are thinking about leaving, if you are unhappy, then you need to get out of the relationship because its already done. I know that. I am concerned about the stability of my son. He is happy here. I think about all of the things that I need to do to be able to provide a stable home for him and its daunting. I can't just uproot him with no plan. Its just too much.
On this day, I think about my Grandmother, I kinda smile and I think of what she would say if she was here. She would say "Girl come home, we will work it out". I don't have a home to go to, I have nobody holding that security blanket, warm and welcoming. Its just me, in the cold, standing here holding myself as tightly as I can trying to find some sense of connection.
A while ago, when this time of year would roll around, I would do stupid things-like cosy up with someone I didnt really want-out of the feelings of loneliness. That will not happen again. I am getting stronger, but the feelings, man. Its tough. I have to maintain hope that one day somebody will welcome me into their arms and wrap me up. They will let me know that they accept me and my faults, they don't judge my past, they see the light in me that my Grandmother fought so hard to keep from being extinguished.
I love you GiGi, and miss you terribly.
D
Today is the anniversary of the death of my grandmother, Priscilla W. Rumley. She was the best person in the world, the only person who was all mine. She loved me unconditionally, more completely than anyone ever has before. I miss her so much.
Today is especially hard because I feel so alone. Alone. That word is powerful and encompasses everything that is me, at this moment. This is a feeling I wouldnt wish on anyone. To know that while there are some people out there who may listen to you, they may care for you, there is no one, No One person who is all for you. That if there is a problem, you can only depend on you? To know that there is not one person thinking of you, caring for you just because.
My Grandmother saved me from so many things. She was there for me when my mother made me feel small. She was there when I was promiscuous-and helped me live through that. I never told her why I was acting out, but I think she knows that something happened to me in my childhood. She has to know, she was always so gentle with me. Yes, she could get feisty when she needed to, and she didnt take any stuff from me or anyone else. But I always, always knew she was for me.
I sit here thinking about this relationship that I am in. I am 99.9% sure its not going to work. I have done everything I can, tried to be there, tried to cook, clean, praise, love, support.....Even after I found out how she betrayed my trust, I still swallowed the pain and just tried to make it work.
A good friend sent me an email and what it basically said is that if you are thinking about leaving, if you are unhappy, then you need to get out of the relationship because its already done. I know that. I am concerned about the stability of my son. He is happy here. I think about all of the things that I need to do to be able to provide a stable home for him and its daunting. I can't just uproot him with no plan. Its just too much.
On this day, I think about my Grandmother, I kinda smile and I think of what she would say if she was here. She would say "Girl come home, we will work it out". I don't have a home to go to, I have nobody holding that security blanket, warm and welcoming. Its just me, in the cold, standing here holding myself as tightly as I can trying to find some sense of connection.
A while ago, when this time of year would roll around, I would do stupid things-like cosy up with someone I didnt really want-out of the feelings of loneliness. That will not happen again. I am getting stronger, but the feelings, man. Its tough. I have to maintain hope that one day somebody will welcome me into their arms and wrap me up. They will let me know that they accept me and my faults, they don't judge my past, they see the light in me that my Grandmother fought so hard to keep from being extinguished.
I love you GiGi, and miss you terribly.
D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)