Wow More Thoughts

Today's Mood: Weird, Happy, Irritated

I guess today is another Bi-Polar Day. I am in a great mood. I am also really feeling conflicted about a couple of things. More on that in a few minutes. Im irritated because of my job. We are short staffed already and my boss knew he and our admin asst. were going to be out of the office most of today and tomorrow. Now, I personally don't have much to do but I get so aggravated answering the phones all day. The main reason it drives me nuts is because I dont work in the temp area so I dont know the answers to any of their questions. It sux. On top of that we have a big corporate visitor tomorrow, so all the trifling things that they never do up front have to be fixed. They have known about this visit for a week......So now instead of getting someone in yesterday to train a little and be ready to roll today, they are rushing to get someone in this afternoon. I hate disorganization.

So why the confusion? Im a little disconcerted by the way I feel in regards to a conversation I had with my ex last night. We have been keeping in touch with each other, trying to develop a friendship. Over the last few weeks, I have been really missing her. Missing the things that we used to do together, the fun we used to have. I feel as if the girls that I have dated have not measured up to her. They are all lacking something that she brought to the table. Now Im not foolish enough to only remember the good parts of our relationship. I know we both kinda sucked. But there are still feelings there.

So our talk-it was interesting. She expressed that she was so in love with her girlfriend. That they would be together for life. That was her "Baby". But in every other breath she was talking about how much she missed me and how I meant so very much to her.

I guess if you really care about someone, the feelings never die. I feel like I have to walk a tightrope here. Its tricky because I know, I KNOW, in my heart, that if I wanted to lure her back I could easily do it. I know she has a soft spot for me and I know she regrets mucking up our relationship. But she is allegedly happy now, happier than she has been in her life. She has the perfect wifey, quiet, easygoing, no kids, etc. She has the perfect life. Im not going to bring that to the table. My world is chaotic, ever changing. Exciting, yes. Peaceful, sometimes. I don't think its worth the trade, unless we are truly meant to be together. And if we are, we will come together when the timing is right.

Which in essence was the entire problem from the start. I had battle wounds, she had battle wounds. Neither of us had healing time before we got together. Our timing was so far off, yet we tried to make it work. Thats never a great idea. I just hope that one or both of us use good common sense and dont get too distracted with the idea of forbidden love blossoming again.

That leads up to Baby. Im trying to decide if I even want to keep in touch with her at all. Our communications are so distant and cold. I will deal with her on a professional level. Im not sure we will ever be true friends again. I don't understand how you can turn off real feelings. As I said before, I feel as if she didnt truly love me, she was infatuated. If she did love me, she never would have left me when I was not ok. She would have been there, and she would have understood how much I really needed her. I needed her compassion, her shoulder. You know, Im always getting hurt when I bend a little and try to lean on one of these women. Every single time.

I have had so many issues with trust, and then every time I try to come out of the box and try-I am dropped on the floor again and again. Do I just give up? Do I stop even letting them see any fragility? I dont know what to do but self-preservation says do not lean on anyone ever.

So about the ex-what to do? Nothing. I just have to sit back in the cut. I know she is going to take 2 steps towards me and 3 steps back. She did that when we were together, so why change now? Im not going there, though.

I met this new person online. Im scared of her. She seems to be exactly EXACTLY what I have been asking for. I have not met her in person, but Im frightened to death. What if she is the one? She has more qualities that I look for than anyone Ive met. With my great luck she will not be interested in me once we meet. Im not going to met her for a month. I need to work my fat butt out before I meet someone like her. She is so fine!!

Anyway, Im going to go now. The phones in this office are ringing like crazy. I will give you more info tomorrow.

Ciao!

A Vanilla Day

Today's Mood-Pretty Happy

Today was an absolutely vanilla day. Nothing special happened. Nothing bad, nothing good. I dont feel especially buckwild joy and I dont feel any type of sorrow. I didn't work hard, but I wasnt bored. Just a vanilla day.

I had a good time playing around on Yahoo Personals. I saw a couple of cuties and sent them some messages. Who knows if they will reply. I don't even really care-lol.

Thats about it for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be more colorful.

Bye-

Big Thangs Poppin

Today's Mood: Fabulous

Ok where to start?

I indulged myself last night with sushi and wine. And a little more wine. It was excellent. I got in the bed fairly early and slept like a baby. This morning, I woke up refreshed-ah the difference between real wine and that stuff in a box...I digress...lol

I checked my email from my cell, why? I dont know. I never check it in the morning. What do I see but a LONG email from Olivia. It was asking for more input from me and offering much more support! Of course it put a huge smile on my face. So I bounced out of bed like I was 21 again and headed in to work. Yuck. Ok, I admit that I am over this job. But, I will hang on to it until something better, equal, other comes along.

So Im sitting here pissed because my big boss is being a butt...a sure sign that Im heading out the door, but still dont aggravate me while Im on my way...lol As my brows furrow deeper, I get a call on my cell. What tha? Its a San Fran area code, not a bill collector! So I answer and lo! Its the owner of Olivia, calling to see how Im doing!! Making sure that Im ok. WOW! So now I ask myself, am I about to kick off and somebody called Make-A-Wish Foundation on my behalf? I don't think so.

After a while I was able to close my mouth and stop drooling. I love those girls over there soooo much. They seem to know exactly when Im getting irritated. Dealing with these black women is often a trial. A royal pain in the buttocks. But they are really reaching out. So now I have to find a couple of other women of color who-the horrors-get an all expense paid 7 day cruise. The bad part is I don't want to find anyone who is already booked because that would be stupid. They would have to get a refund. Most of the people I know are already booked. So I have a little work cut out for me.

Guess what else? I heard from CD. She has been downgraded from Baby-lol. Our communications have been like two strangers. And thats being generous. I dont think she ever loved me, I think it was infatuation. Oh well, Im not crying about it. Thats the way life is. We are all wired with a defect-we do not have that chip that lets us discern what is real love and what is bogus until we are done with the person. I know I loved her, I know she was the first person I truly loved. Too bad.

Im smart enough to know that my heart has to break a few times. Karma owes me for the hearts Ive broken and the things I have done that were not right. I guess Im in trouble because normally I dont invest any of my inner self in these relationships. I went all the way with her, and a little deeper than normal with G. Im glad I have had the space to throttle back now. Hopefully my wall is reinforced now and I dont have to worry about ever getting hurt again. At least not for a while.

Ah life is good for now. I will keep you posted as new things transpire.

Til lata,

D