Wow More Thoughts

Today's Mood: Weird, Happy, Irritated

I guess today is another Bi-Polar Day. I am in a great mood. I am also really feeling conflicted about a couple of things. More on that in a few minutes. Im irritated because of my job. We are short staffed already and my boss knew he and our admin asst. were going to be out of the office most of today and tomorrow. Now, I personally don't have much to do but I get so aggravated answering the phones all day. The main reason it drives me nuts is because I dont work in the temp area so I dont know the answers to any of their questions. It sux. On top of that we have a big corporate visitor tomorrow, so all the trifling things that they never do up front have to be fixed. They have known about this visit for a week......So now instead of getting someone in yesterday to train a little and be ready to roll today, they are rushing to get someone in this afternoon. I hate disorganization.

So why the confusion? Im a little disconcerted by the way I feel in regards to a conversation I had with my ex last night. We have been keeping in touch with each other, trying to develop a friendship. Over the last few weeks, I have been really missing her. Missing the things that we used to do together, the fun we used to have. I feel as if the girls that I have dated have not measured up to her. They are all lacking something that she brought to the table. Now Im not foolish enough to only remember the good parts of our relationship. I know we both kinda sucked. But there are still feelings there.

So our talk-it was interesting. She expressed that she was so in love with her girlfriend. That they would be together for life. That was her "Baby". But in every other breath she was talking about how much she missed me and how I meant so very much to her.

I guess if you really care about someone, the feelings never die. I feel like I have to walk a tightrope here. Its tricky because I know, I KNOW, in my heart, that if I wanted to lure her back I could easily do it. I know she has a soft spot for me and I know she regrets mucking up our relationship. But she is allegedly happy now, happier than she has been in her life. She has the perfect wifey, quiet, easygoing, no kids, etc. She has the perfect life. Im not going to bring that to the table. My world is chaotic, ever changing. Exciting, yes. Peaceful, sometimes. I don't think its worth the trade, unless we are truly meant to be together. And if we are, we will come together when the timing is right.

Which in essence was the entire problem from the start. I had battle wounds, she had battle wounds. Neither of us had healing time before we got together. Our timing was so far off, yet we tried to make it work. Thats never a great idea. I just hope that one or both of us use good common sense and dont get too distracted with the idea of forbidden love blossoming again.

That leads up to Baby. Im trying to decide if I even want to keep in touch with her at all. Our communications are so distant and cold. I will deal with her on a professional level. Im not sure we will ever be true friends again. I don't understand how you can turn off real feelings. As I said before, I feel as if she didnt truly love me, she was infatuated. If she did love me, she never would have left me when I was not ok. She would have been there, and she would have understood how much I really needed her. I needed her compassion, her shoulder. You know, Im always getting hurt when I bend a little and try to lean on one of these women. Every single time.

I have had so many issues with trust, and then every time I try to come out of the box and try-I am dropped on the floor again and again. Do I just give up? Do I stop even letting them see any fragility? I dont know what to do but self-preservation says do not lean on anyone ever.

So about the ex-what to do? Nothing. I just have to sit back in the cut. I know she is going to take 2 steps towards me and 3 steps back. She did that when we were together, so why change now? Im not going there, though.

I met this new person online. Im scared of her. She seems to be exactly EXACTLY what I have been asking for. I have not met her in person, but Im frightened to death. What if she is the one? She has more qualities that I look for than anyone Ive met. With my great luck she will not be interested in me once we meet. Im not going to met her for a month. I need to work my fat butt out before I meet someone like her. She is so fine!!

Anyway, Im going to go now. The phones in this office are ringing like crazy. I will give you more info tomorrow.

Ciao!