Alone

Today's Mood: Invisible

Today is the anniversary of the death of my grandmother, Priscilla W. Rumley. She was the best person in the world, the only person who was all mine. She loved me unconditionally, more completely than anyone ever has before. I miss her so much.

Today is especially hard because I feel so alone. Alone. That word is powerful and encompasses everything that is me, at this moment. This is a feeling I wouldnt wish on anyone. To know that while there are some people out there who may listen to you, they may care for you, there is no one, No One person who is all for you. That if there is a problem, you can only depend on you? To know that there is not one person thinking of you, caring for you just because.

My Grandmother saved me from so many things. She was there for me when my mother made me feel small. She was there when I was promiscuous-and helped me live through that. I never told her why I was acting out, but I think she knows that something happened to me in my childhood. She has to know, she was always so gentle with me. Yes, she could get feisty when she needed to, and she didnt take any stuff from me or anyone else. But I always, always knew she was for me.

I sit here thinking about this relationship that I am in. I am 99.9% sure its not going to work. I have done everything I can, tried to be there, tried to cook, clean, praise, love, support.....Even after I found out how she betrayed my trust, I still swallowed the pain and just tried to make it work.

A good friend sent me an email and what it basically said is that if you are thinking about leaving, if you are unhappy, then you need to get out of the relationship because its already done. I know that. I am concerned about the stability of my son. He is happy here. I think about all of the things that I need to do to be able to provide a stable home for him and its daunting. I can't just uproot him with no plan. Its just too much.

On this day, I think about my Grandmother, I kinda smile and I think of what she would say if she was here. She would say "Girl come home, we will work it out". I don't have a home to go to, I have nobody holding that security blanket, warm and welcoming. Its just me, in the cold, standing here holding myself as tightly as I can trying to find some sense of connection.

A while ago, when this time of year would roll around, I would do stupid things-like cosy up with someone I didnt really want-out of the feelings of loneliness. That will not happen again. I am getting stronger, but the feelings, man. Its tough. I have to maintain hope that one day somebody will welcome me into their arms and wrap me up. They will let me know that they accept me and my faults, they don't judge my past, they see the light in me that my Grandmother fought so hard to keep from being extinguished.

I love you GiGi, and miss you terribly.


D

Another Day

Its another day in the life of me. I have had a lot of time to think about this situation. After last night, I have been contemplative, wondering what is happening in my world, what to do, how to resolve the situation that I find myself in.

I spent the whole day working hard on projects with my headphones on, letting my favorite songs lift my spirits. I talked with a couple of friends. Its hard sharing my fears and angst with others. I don't want to be that whiny girl who is moody one day and all gaga in love the next. I don't want them to think badly of her if we do work it out. But its hard. Its so hard to be in this place alone. Sharing helps.

I feel numb today. Im not really sad, Im not happy, Im just here. My day is just here. Things have to get better, I feel like I am becoming a shadow of myself. Im usually so happy and full of joy. Today, if I could stay in the bed, I would.

I am only allowing myself a few more minutes of self-pity. This is not who I am. I have to find something to hold onto, to pull me out of this funky pit. Love sux.

Anyway, since I am boring myself, I will end today's post right here. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will be stronger and have all of my armor in place.

Til then,

D

Interesting

This is the first time in a lonnng time that I wrote in my blog. Everything has happened that can happen.

Its time to get started writing again. My soul is feeling traumatized in so many ways.

Catching up, I have a relationship that is all my own. In a lot of ways I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. I met someone, we fell hard for each other. I gave up everything that I had to be with her. Now, Im stuck in so many ways.

I have nothing, no job, no home, nothing. I know this woman loves me but I also think she is insane, or at least out of touch.

My problem with her is that she has no clue as to what is happening around her. She lives in the past, when she was famous. My trial is how to help her realize that she is not famous now. How to help her find a way to support herself and potentially our family should she no longer be able to work in her current field.

I feel like she will never understand me, and I will never understand her. Its saddening to me. We keep finding little pockets of love. They glow and shimmer, calling us into the depths. Then once they flicker out, we are left on the islands of acceptance. Where we live a life of bland.

I just don't know what to do. She is so unlike me, so unlike anyone I have encountered. In some ways she has made me better. She has made me better, made me evaluate the person that I am. In others, she has totally changed me. Im less outspoken. I hold my words and feelings inside because I never know whats going to set her off. I let my feelings simmer below the surface and allow her to lavish her sentiments-good and bad-all over me like the ocean closing over my head. At times I do feel like Im drowning, but what are the options? I know that when she finishes her tirades, she will hold out an arm and pull me back into a rocky, yet safe boat.

Things are happening around me, things I cannot even begin to address. I try not to see them, try not to seek out the solace that is being offered to me. Part of me wonders if it is Divine intervention. Are these lights being placed in my path to illuminate the shadows of my world? Are they here to show me just what exactly is in the dark spaces of this relationship? Are they being given to me as beacons, beacons I should follow to a different space?

I am so very tired. How long can a person live a life like this? How long can a person stifle their true self in order to keep the peace? Its not healthy, and I know it, but what are the options.

That is my moody blue re-entry into the world of my blog. I will try to write more often. Its ironic that today marks the day after my 40th birthday. It is a time of change. I should be preparing to retire. I should be settled and married. I should own a home, and be with the person I love, cherish and respect. I do love her, I am just not sure we are to be. Time alone will tell.