Alone

Today's Mood: Invisible

Today is the anniversary of the death of my grandmother, Priscilla W. Rumley. She was the best person in the world, the only person who was all mine. She loved me unconditionally, more completely than anyone ever has before. I miss her so much.

Today is especially hard because I feel so alone. Alone. That word is powerful and encompasses everything that is me, at this moment. This is a feeling I wouldnt wish on anyone. To know that while there are some people out there who may listen to you, they may care for you, there is no one, No One person who is all for you. That if there is a problem, you can only depend on you? To know that there is not one person thinking of you, caring for you just because.

My Grandmother saved me from so many things. She was there for me when my mother made me feel small. She was there when I was promiscuous-and helped me live through that. I never told her why I was acting out, but I think she knows that something happened to me in my childhood. She has to know, she was always so gentle with me. Yes, she could get feisty when she needed to, and she didnt take any stuff from me or anyone else. But I always, always knew she was for me.

I sit here thinking about this relationship that I am in. I am 99.9% sure its not going to work. I have done everything I can, tried to be there, tried to cook, clean, praise, love, support.....Even after I found out how she betrayed my trust, I still swallowed the pain and just tried to make it work.

A good friend sent me an email and what it basically said is that if you are thinking about leaving, if you are unhappy, then you need to get out of the relationship because its already done. I know that. I am concerned about the stability of my son. He is happy here. I think about all of the things that I need to do to be able to provide a stable home for him and its daunting. I can't just uproot him with no plan. Its just too much.

On this day, I think about my Grandmother, I kinda smile and I think of what she would say if she was here. She would say "Girl come home, we will work it out". I don't have a home to go to, I have nobody holding that security blanket, warm and welcoming. Its just me, in the cold, standing here holding myself as tightly as I can trying to find some sense of connection.

A while ago, when this time of year would roll around, I would do stupid things-like cosy up with someone I didnt really want-out of the feelings of loneliness. That will not happen again. I am getting stronger, but the feelings, man. Its tough. I have to maintain hope that one day somebody will welcome me into their arms and wrap me up. They will let me know that they accept me and my faults, they don't judge my past, they see the light in me that my Grandmother fought so hard to keep from being extinguished.

I love you GiGi, and miss you terribly.


D