Fickle?

Today's Mood: Decent

Today is going to be an aight kinda day, I think. I woke up in a good mood. "G" (not J-lol) called me early early to make sure I didnt oversleep. I thought that was sweet. Normally I would start waving the stalker flag but she is pushing jussssst enough, not too hard. We talked a lot yesterday about real stuff, not just flirty & light stuff. I found out a few things that make her tick and I let her in a tiny bit.

I am not anywhere NEAR ready to open up to her or anyone else. Baby and I are drifting apart-slowly but obviously. For me, its like watching it on tv. I think I detached myself last week when we had blowup # 150000. We have talked and talked about giving her space to work on her relationship but honestly I was getting enough from her emotionally that I didnt care what she said. I made sure to keep myself in her periphery. I would give her an inch of space then crowd right back in.

Im thinking that this time, I am the one who started wanting more from her than she could give. I think I decided that I needed something else. When we pulled back at the same time, nobody was willing or able to reach across the void to draw the other back in. So we drifted out of arms reach. The feelings are still there, but the distance is making them feel less powerful.

This leads me back to G. I am not falling in love with her or anything. Actually I dont know what I want to do with her but its so early in our whatever that I don't have to worry about it. I am proceeding with caution.

I guess thats about it for now. If there is anything new and earthshattering I will let you know.

Toodles

Another Day....

Today's Mood: Aight, Tired, Blah

Good news, I got my check on Saturday. Bad news, it was still a little short but at least I was able to pay my bills.

I got so wasted on Sunday! I had a blast. I hung out with my friends, playing drinking games in a restaurant. We had a bunch of laughs, it was great. Then I meandered over to Berryhill. My former flame was there. We had a good time. I am an official fag hag now. The boys were buying me drink after drink after drink. Everytime I looked down my glass was being refilled.

I find it so interesting that my former flame "R" is so interested in trying to get back into my good graces. She is calling me, texting, all of that. I know she has not left her relationship and I vowed that after Baby, I would not think about dating someone in a relationship. I keep telling myself that but then I see those green, green eyes it it is so hard to take the high road. I dont understand how these great women get all partnered up with dummies who don't appreciate them. I mean they have the complete and total package. And their partners wont even fulfill the most basic of their requirements. Its so sad.

I don't want to always be the go-to girl when their lovers wont be lovers. Its not fair to me. Its not fair to them, and by providing an outlet for them is enabling. It allows them to avoid confronting their issues, thus creating a false sense of harmony.

Oh well, I have to be a big girl about it. I have to remember that its not all about me and my needs. I have to start doing the right thing.

Alright, speaking of doing the wrong thing...I decided to have a little company last night. I let "J" come over. I dont even know why I did. Oh yes I do-its because I was bored, lonely, and horny. We had an interesting evening to say the least. I realize that my body just will not let me screw around unless there is some emotion there. I mean, we played a lot but I couldnt cross over the line. She is sweet (and already showing signs of attachment...sigh) but Im just not sure I can go there with her.

Oh I got rid of Nursey. I told her I wasnt sure I could date a femme but I was kinda sorta willing to try. She went off the deep end. She kept ranting and raving about roleplaying this and that, and the other. I finally told her she was getting on my nerves and it wasnt that major. She got pissed and hasnt called back. LOL If shorting out the others was that easy I would have it made.

N,J,D,R,S...Oh man, I have an alphabet soup of women floating in my atmosphere right now and I really dont know what to do, who to turn to, anything. I know who I would like to be with but thats an impossibility. I just have to sit back and see who sticks and who doesnt.

Until tomorrow

Stormy Weather

Today's Mood: Irritable and Angry

First of all, where the heck is my check? My company did not send it this week so now Im going to be very late with my responsibilities. They screwed something up because I am being paid more than the max for this position. That sux. Hopefully they will get it resolved today and fedex something to me this weekend or monday. I had a feeling something was going to happen.

As far as the other stuff with my dear Baby-ugh. Right now I could just throw my sandal at her. She doesn't even realize that she is hurting me or making me feel a certain kind of way. And when I show my feelings, her nonchalance just makes me more angry. I know she is all gaga over her wifey today-its a given. I mean, they rarely have romantic sex and I helped orchestrate it last night. But does that mean she is not supposed to be sweet to me today? Does that warrant her ignoring me for the majority of the day?

I guess part of what really, truly pisses me off is that I feel like she is so blind. She gets all revved up because this girl finally broke her off a little. She isnt thinking about all the begging and pleading she had to do to get it. She forgets the tears and insecurity that comes before the queen decides to placate her minion. She acts like this was so wonderful when the girl basically had to give it to her. She had no other excuses. Her cycle-over. Tired-no, short work week. Ummm, just did it? Heck no. Ummmm Mad? nope. Im saying, if we had a long azz conversation about why I dont give up the skins and I could not come up with a feasible excuse, I guess it would have to go down. There was no other option. Why doesnt she see that. This girls pattern has not varied since I have known them.

Beg, beg, cry, give, cuddle, beg, cry, beg, give, give. Then start all over again. Wait a minute, maybe too much givin is in my list. It should average twice a month.

The ultimate thing that pisses me the fuck off is that she wants to treat me like a freakin accessory now that she is all blissful. Its almost laughable. I want to see, just want to see what is going to happen in 2-3 weeks. I pray that wifey does continue to do her thing for the next couple of days. I forsee it happening this weekend and thats it. She will have fulfilled her duties for another few weeks. When things get sketchy again, or shall I say when she gets comfortable again, then what?

I have told my sweetie (ugh) that the day will indeed come when this type of swinging tosses me away. Then when she comes down, she is going to be even more miserable. She already knows its going to happen sooner or later, she just doesnt want to know. All that said, I dont want her unhappy. I truly wish ole girl would get it right. But if she hasnt gotten her act together after what, 3 years? 2? why now? Im not confident that she knows how dire her situation in. But if Im out of the picture I guess its not dire at all.

Sometimes I know I should just run for the hills. Today I feel like Im halfway up the mountain, and if she lets me run until I reach the summit there won't be any looking back. Sometimes I think a lot of things. Today, I wonder why people think I am not supposed to feel?

I wonder why they think that I can deal with anything and everything with a smile. I have so many pressures weighing on me and I do deal with everything, I know I do. But its not easy.

I digress. This is about her. I honestly dont know what is making me so mad. I think its the fact that almost every day she is just on me-texting, emailing, chatting-whatever. Then today the first thing she says is Hi-I got some and it was great. 2 or 3 hours pass. Then I get a We had a patio dealie. Ok. 2 more hours pass and she finally pops in like its nothing. Am I supposed to be ok with that? Am I the only one who can see that she was a little....discourteous and not thoughtful at all?

Sigh.

Why do I even put myself through all of this torture.

And whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this other girl, we will call her Nursey, why is she blowing up my freakin phone allllll day? I went out with her 1.5 times. The date wasnt even all that. She has called me all day today, texted me all day. I never answer her calls in the office-not once. But she still keeps calling. And texting. And calling. She is working on my last nerve and in a minute Im not going to care if she has beyonce tickets for me or not. I dont know what is wrong with these people.

You know what, Blog? Im over it. Im just going to chill and not even worry about the consequences. I need a break and Im taking it. Im going to find some lucky as hell cute little scrub girl who has no potential for relationship and just sex her. Take the edge off. And cut all these others loose.

Why bother?

The Statue

I didnt realize until today that I am a statue
In your eyes
Not a flesh and blood woman,
With tender skin, blood that flows
When pricked.

I now know that to you,
I am stone, iron, shell
Lacking the ability to feel
Nothing you can say harms me
Nothing penetrates the core

You don't see a soul
a heart
You just see,
Something? What?
Maybe nothing at all.

You must see me as a statue
bronzed, impenetrable, strong.
Impervious to the daggers of your words.
Otherwise you are just uncaring, insensitive
Oblivious.

I am becoming your creation
You are slowly making me into that which you see
The day will come when I feel nothing
Say, do what you will,
I will stand unflinchingly. Gone.

Back In Effect

Today's Mood: Somber

I have been away for a while. Nothing exceedingly exciting has happened in the last few weeks. Lets see, broke up with my Babe, got back together kinda, broke up again, I think we kinda got back...who knows?

I also went to San Francisco for pride weekend. It was a lot of fun. Saw some sights that I have never seen before. It was so lonely though, doing that by myself.

I will breeze by the fact that I started a new job, have some other irons in the fire. My kids are doing fine.

Im going to skip right into whats really on my mind. I am so......I guess the word is lonely. This is not something that I often feel. Its like everything in the cosmos is conspiring to make sure that I do not forget that I am alone. I try to watch LOGO channel and all I can find is shows about lesbians and gays getting married. I went to San Fran and everyone was all coupled up. I talk to my friend and all we can talk about is how to salvage her relationship with her partner.

I think the thing that makes me feel so lonely is that there are a lot of girls interested in doing something with me. I know some just want to get in my panties. Some want to get to know me. But Im not attracted to any of them at all. I see couples coming into the club where I work. I look at them and they are all so happy together. I wonder what is my problem. Maybe I should settle for someone that I dont really want. Does desire grow with time?

Today I spent a lot of time talking with my ex. I know she still has feelings for me. I know that with a little prompting we can start dating again. All of my worries would be alleviated-she is financially fit, decent looking, and fun. BUT we had so many other issues that I think what we shared is probably gone. I gave her a test today, just to see where her head is. I will see what she opted to do in a couple of days.

My thing is, as easy as it would be to fall back into that, I dont want to. I dont have any itch for her or anyone else. Maybe Im destined to be that old lady with a bunch of cats. Who knows?

Oh I did pick up a stalker. She is a bit obsessive about getting to know me. She is giving me a full court press, no matter how much I ignore her calls or tell her to pump the brakes. Again, it would be so easy to just let her have her way and chill into a relationship but Im not feeling her at all. Not even a little.

I know exactly what I want. Maybe thats the problem. I need certain qualities and Im not finding that total package in any of these women. I keep telling (asking) my friend if she is willing to settle for less in her relationship. I told her that she can only make her own decisions, but if she is not willing to get off her butt and make something happen, she has no reason to sit and cry when her problems are never resolved.

I look at myself and think about what I have to bring to the table. Decent looking, good job, my own stuff, some mediocre but improving steadily credit (lol). Im nice, sensual, loving. The only thing that I would consider a drawback would be the fact that Im not where I want to be financially YET, but Im not struggling. Maybe the kids would hinder some women. But my package is strong.

I normally dont feel so lonely. I usually am pretty happy in life. I guess I want someone to be there for me. Someone to need me. I dont know-I want my hand held. Thats not too much to ask for.

Enough melodrama for now. I will probably feel better tomorrow, or later tonight after I grab some sushi.

~D