Back In Effect

Today's Mood: Somber

I have been away for a while. Nothing exceedingly exciting has happened in the last few weeks. Lets see, broke up with my Babe, got back together kinda, broke up again, I think we kinda got back...who knows?

I also went to San Francisco for pride weekend. It was a lot of fun. Saw some sights that I have never seen before. It was so lonely though, doing that by myself.

I will breeze by the fact that I started a new job, have some other irons in the fire. My kids are doing fine.

Im going to skip right into whats really on my mind. I am so......I guess the word is lonely. This is not something that I often feel. Its like everything in the cosmos is conspiring to make sure that I do not forget that I am alone. I try to watch LOGO channel and all I can find is shows about lesbians and gays getting married. I went to San Fran and everyone was all coupled up. I talk to my friend and all we can talk about is how to salvage her relationship with her partner.

I think the thing that makes me feel so lonely is that there are a lot of girls interested in doing something with me. I know some just want to get in my panties. Some want to get to know me. But Im not attracted to any of them at all. I see couples coming into the club where I work. I look at them and they are all so happy together. I wonder what is my problem. Maybe I should settle for someone that I dont really want. Does desire grow with time?

Today I spent a lot of time talking with my ex. I know she still has feelings for me. I know that with a little prompting we can start dating again. All of my worries would be alleviated-she is financially fit, decent looking, and fun. BUT we had so many other issues that I think what we shared is probably gone. I gave her a test today, just to see where her head is. I will see what she opted to do in a couple of days.

My thing is, as easy as it would be to fall back into that, I dont want to. I dont have any itch for her or anyone else. Maybe Im destined to be that old lady with a bunch of cats. Who knows?

Oh I did pick up a stalker. She is a bit obsessive about getting to know me. She is giving me a full court press, no matter how much I ignore her calls or tell her to pump the brakes. Again, it would be so easy to just let her have her way and chill into a relationship but Im not feeling her at all. Not even a little.

I know exactly what I want. Maybe thats the problem. I need certain qualities and Im not finding that total package in any of these women. I keep telling (asking) my friend if she is willing to settle for less in her relationship. I told her that she can only make her own decisions, but if she is not willing to get off her butt and make something happen, she has no reason to sit and cry when her problems are never resolved.

I look at myself and think about what I have to bring to the table. Decent looking, good job, my own stuff, some mediocre but improving steadily credit (lol). Im nice, sensual, loving. The only thing that I would consider a drawback would be the fact that Im not where I want to be financially YET, but Im not struggling. Maybe the kids would hinder some women. But my package is strong.

I normally dont feel so lonely. I usually am pretty happy in life. I guess I want someone to be there for me. Someone to need me. I dont know-I want my hand held. Thats not too much to ask for.

Enough melodrama for now. I will probably feel better tomorrow, or later tonight after I grab some sushi.

~D