Today's Mood: Fine...Fine...FINE!
Ok Blog. I think its time for me to make a trek over to the shrinks couch. I am totally losing my mind. I have to admit that I may be bipolar or have multiple personalities. LOL
Im kidding but the reason I say this is because I feel great and I feel yucky at the same time. Im happy. My funds are fine. My career outlook is fine. Im in a great mood. At the same time Im still kinda blah about my love life. Im kinda lonely but not seriously-sadly lonely. I guess horny is more appropriate...lol. I want the human contact but not badly enough to actually want to deal with someone.
How crazy is that? I mean, really? What options am I leaving myself? None. I could put a rush on ole girl and make her fall for me but I dont want to. Im not going to try to shape her into the perfect person for me. I know Im not physically that attracted (I can barely remember her name most of the time) so why even put any energy into that. If we go out and have fun, cool. If not, cool.
Shai keeps calling, like its ok? I dont understand. I know that she still has feelings, it is soooo obvious. A part of me still has a little something for her, even though she killed my heart. I am not considering going back there, and she is not offering. Do we work as friends? Time will tell. Better yet, why even be friends? We never hang out together. I never see her unless she comes to me. Her friends hate me, my friends hate her....lol. What do we get out of calling each other and stuff? Sigh. This sux. Why even bother?
I have a confession. There is this chick moving to houston in a while (of course she has a friend here but I think she will see how crazy the girl is in short order). Im putting her on my simmer list. She is at least on the surface what Im looking for. By the time I get myself right, she might be worth checking out.
Im starting on my self improvement kick. I have got to get some of this weight off NOW. I wish I could have lipo but thats not an option. lol. Im starting to work out. I am going to start walking next week. I have to, its not an option. My health has always been great, but Im starting too have some slight issues. Not cool. My family has a history of stuff popping up out of the blue and knocking them dead. Quickly. I dont want that to be me. Of course I am the only one who doesnt smoke or eat a lot of red meat, pork, fried stuff. I dont drink excessively either. Im not perfect but my lifestyle is a lot more healthy than theirs.
Alright, so Im going to track my weight loss. First weigh in will be not this Monday but the following monday.
Talk to you tomorrow. Yay Friday.
D
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Not Too Shabby
Today's Mood: Chill to the extreme
I actually had a great day. I did nothing but Olivia stuff and played online. I wrote some things in my MySpace blog that were pretty clear and concise. I really took the time to think about some of the characteristics I desire in a partner. Now, thats not too terribly important, but I finally understood that I have no need to settle for less than I really want.
Im going to be content waiting for the right one to stroll along, not go diving head first (literally) into the first person that is nice to me. Nice does not equal right. Now how long my libido will let me hold on to these new standards, I know not.
I physically have some little aches that are worrisome. Im afraid that I may be developing some sort of joint problem. I was freaking out, thinking Lupus, but nobody in my entire family has ever had that. Plus most of the time it would show up way before a person turns 4o.
I have no real deep thoughts today. No drama. No heartbreak. I talked to my little junior cutie last night. She is almost 30, isnt that sweet? I dont know what she wants from me, but she surely is fyne. And she calls herself a stud, with a body like that???? Yikes. Ok, honestly, I would be scared to try to fool around with her. Her body is so good she would make me feel like a fat azz cow. LOL. It is cool to look at her and drool, though. The only thing that makes me feel ok is that I was fine like that when I was young too....Age and gravity are doing some terrible things but Im still sexy...when you take your glasses off.
***** Totally irrelevant mini-rant*************
WHY did this guy just call the office to give us his change of address, but he didnt know what it was. Not only that but he put me on hold for 5 minutes while he went to find it. How crazy is that?? At least he was kinda nice. Slow, but nice.
Til tomorrow,
D
I actually had a great day. I did nothing but Olivia stuff and played online. I wrote some things in my MySpace blog that were pretty clear and concise. I really took the time to think about some of the characteristics I desire in a partner. Now, thats not too terribly important, but I finally understood that I have no need to settle for less than I really want.
Im going to be content waiting for the right one to stroll along, not go diving head first (literally) into the first person that is nice to me. Nice does not equal right. Now how long my libido will let me hold on to these new standards, I know not.
I physically have some little aches that are worrisome. Im afraid that I may be developing some sort of joint problem. I was freaking out, thinking Lupus, but nobody in my entire family has ever had that. Plus most of the time it would show up way before a person turns 4o.
I have no real deep thoughts today. No drama. No heartbreak. I talked to my little junior cutie last night. She is almost 30, isnt that sweet? I dont know what she wants from me, but she surely is fyne. And she calls herself a stud, with a body like that???? Yikes. Ok, honestly, I would be scared to try to fool around with her. Her body is so good she would make me feel like a fat azz cow. LOL. It is cool to look at her and drool, though. The only thing that makes me feel ok is that I was fine like that when I was young too....Age and gravity are doing some terrible things but Im still sexy...when you take your glasses off.
***** Totally irrelevant mini-rant*************
WHY did this guy just call the office to give us his change of address, but he didnt know what it was. Not only that but he put me on hold for 5 minutes while he went to find it. How crazy is that?? At least he was kinda nice. Slow, but nice.
Til tomorrow,
D
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Angry? Indefinable
Today's Mood-Confused
Today I am going to be really honest with my feelings. I am hurt, angry, and sad. I feel so alone, and its really wearing me out.
I look back over the last few months at some of the relationships that I had. I am trying to see what I did that was so terrible. I know I should not have loved someone who was in a relationship already. Maybe that karma is kicking my butt.
Overall, though, Im angry with those women. Im so angry and hurt that Baby would just shut me out, dropping me as a friend when I needed a friend more than anything. Im so furious at myself for letting my heart open to her. I knew better. I knew better. I knew. But it happened, and look what happened. It makes me sad to know that my coochie held more value to her than my heart and spirit. I alternate between wanting to reach out and say "why? you know what I have been through in my life. How could you treat me this way when all I did was love you??". What difference would those few words make? None. So I know that putting myself out there like that would just open the door to more hurt.
Im almost not even angry with G. Im just pissed that I wasted good sex on her. Excellent sex. She did not even deserve that much. The cynical me evaluates every relationship and weighs the loss factor. Did I give more than I got? In this case its a yes and no. I gave so much more energy to her than she gave to me. I think mainly I let her have that advantage because I mistook her blandness for the typical "stud" thing. I let her sit back and enjoy my sensuality without returning the passion, and I allowed her lame excuses. My bad. But on the other hand, I did not lose anything materialistically so Im gonna call it a wash.
Oh well. I guess my frustration is really with myself. I am honest with my feelings. Even though I withhold some of the deeper things that I feel, I always am honest with the people that I deal with. If I tell them that I care, I truly care. I care enough about them to do whatever I can to make them happy. I listen, I try to make them better, to enhance them. Why do I give even that much of myself?
My friend Felicia says that I need to be more detached than I already am. She always tells me that I don't need to believe anything they say, just watch what the do. The problem is that I do watch. They always treat me so well at first. Otherwise things would not go forward at all. The problem is most likely the fact that I am too good to them. I give them so much that they come to expect it. I don't know. Who cares? Im aggravated with myself for feeling so hurt and angry. I would rather feel a little lonely than to open myself and end up feeling so alone.
Alright, enough of that. Along the lines of my Olivia stuff, Im excited. There is a silver lining. I have so many people booking the trips right now that it is amazing. I spend a good part of each day working on this project and yes, it has finally grown into a potential full time gig. I will know for sure after the first of the year. Yay. So to those girls who dropped me when I was struggling, who made me feel like a worthless failure, I guess my time is coming. You shoulda stuck by me. You should have given me a chance instead of writing me off. I didnt kick any of them when they were down. Too bad I couldnt have the same compassion.
Today I am going to be really honest with my feelings. I am hurt, angry, and sad. I feel so alone, and its really wearing me out.
I look back over the last few months at some of the relationships that I had. I am trying to see what I did that was so terrible. I know I should not have loved someone who was in a relationship already. Maybe that karma is kicking my butt.
Overall, though, Im angry with those women. Im so angry and hurt that Baby would just shut me out, dropping me as a friend when I needed a friend more than anything. Im so furious at myself for letting my heart open to her. I knew better. I knew better. I knew. But it happened, and look what happened. It makes me sad to know that my coochie held more value to her than my heart and spirit. I alternate between wanting to reach out and say "why? you know what I have been through in my life. How could you treat me this way when all I did was love you??". What difference would those few words make? None. So I know that putting myself out there like that would just open the door to more hurt.
Im almost not even angry with G. Im just pissed that I wasted good sex on her. Excellent sex. She did not even deserve that much. The cynical me evaluates every relationship and weighs the loss factor. Did I give more than I got? In this case its a yes and no. I gave so much more energy to her than she gave to me. I think mainly I let her have that advantage because I mistook her blandness for the typical "stud" thing. I let her sit back and enjoy my sensuality without returning the passion, and I allowed her lame excuses. My bad. But on the other hand, I did not lose anything materialistically so Im gonna call it a wash.
Oh well. I guess my frustration is really with myself. I am honest with my feelings. Even though I withhold some of the deeper things that I feel, I always am honest with the people that I deal with. If I tell them that I care, I truly care. I care enough about them to do whatever I can to make them happy. I listen, I try to make them better, to enhance them. Why do I give even that much of myself?
My friend Felicia says that I need to be more detached than I already am. She always tells me that I don't need to believe anything they say, just watch what the do. The problem is that I do watch. They always treat me so well at first. Otherwise things would not go forward at all. The problem is most likely the fact that I am too good to them. I give them so much that they come to expect it. I don't know. Who cares? Im aggravated with myself for feeling so hurt and angry. I would rather feel a little lonely than to open myself and end up feeling so alone.
Alright, enough of that. Along the lines of my Olivia stuff, Im excited. There is a silver lining. I have so many people booking the trips right now that it is amazing. I spend a good part of each day working on this project and yes, it has finally grown into a potential full time gig. I will know for sure after the first of the year. Yay. So to those girls who dropped me when I was struggling, who made me feel like a worthless failure, I guess my time is coming. You shoulda stuck by me. You should have given me a chance instead of writing me off. I didnt kick any of them when they were down. Too bad I couldnt have the same compassion.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Monday, Funday...NOT
Today's Mood: eh?
Mondays almost universally suck. I worked at the club Sat and Sun night, not getting home until after 3 last night. Then, to have to roll up in this joint-gag. I wish I could just sleep for hours.
That is a bad sign to me. I am not a sleeper, even when Im tired. It just goes to show that I have too much drama going on in my life.
For once, its not women. Im pretty ok in that department. I have decided that Im going to take the idea that my cousin Teddi and I came up with when we were kids. Im going to date a few women, one to fulfil each of my needs. One is going to be my sex buddy, one will be cute and take me out in public-a trophy chick...One will be there for me emotionally and become my rock. Since there has not been one woman created who has all of these qualities, Im just giving the *f* up on waiting for her. Im gonna have a little harem. Of course they will know that Im not monogamous, so there won't be any dishonesty.
Ok, why am I stressed and somewhat depressed? My kid. I dont know what to do about him. I have tried and tried everything. He is forever in trouble and his probation officer is no help at all. I don't know what to do with him. He makes life so difficult. It makes me hesitant to even bring other people into my life because I cannot tell what he is going to do.
Oh well, Im just going to pray about it and hope for the best. I have 2 more years to deal with it and then he either has to get out or something. Its too much.
Ok on to love life.....Well I went on a first date with this chick last night. It was aight. She is not financially where she needs to be, but she seems like a nice person. Since I have my own financial struggles Im not judging her at all about that. She has a plan, which is the main requirement. Her plan does not depend on lottery tickets or a settlement, it is concrete and makes sense. Plus she is in school, and she has a backup plan in case anything happens to knock her off track. She looks ok, but I think she has a nice personality. Who knows. I dont know which role she is going to play in my new harem, if she will play any at all. We will see.
Work? eh. Lol. Same ole story. I will be spending more and more time working on my Olivia project. I think in the long run it will prove to be more lucrative than any other thing I have endeavored. Im also really getting some strong vibes for the book I want to write. I have scenes and lines swirling in my head. Its cooking, almost time to put it on paper.
Thats about it for today. Nothing too deep. I may write more later today. Overall Im in a decent place, all things considered.
Til the next time....
Mondays almost universally suck. I worked at the club Sat and Sun night, not getting home until after 3 last night. Then, to have to roll up in this joint-gag. I wish I could just sleep for hours.
That is a bad sign to me. I am not a sleeper, even when Im tired. It just goes to show that I have too much drama going on in my life.
For once, its not women. Im pretty ok in that department. I have decided that Im going to take the idea that my cousin Teddi and I came up with when we were kids. Im going to date a few women, one to fulfil each of my needs. One is going to be my sex buddy, one will be cute and take me out in public-a trophy chick...One will be there for me emotionally and become my rock. Since there has not been one woman created who has all of these qualities, Im just giving the *f* up on waiting for her. Im gonna have a little harem. Of course they will know that Im not monogamous, so there won't be any dishonesty.
Ok, why am I stressed and somewhat depressed? My kid. I dont know what to do about him. I have tried and tried everything. He is forever in trouble and his probation officer is no help at all. I don't know what to do with him. He makes life so difficult. It makes me hesitant to even bring other people into my life because I cannot tell what he is going to do.
Oh well, Im just going to pray about it and hope for the best. I have 2 more years to deal with it and then he either has to get out or something. Its too much.
Ok on to love life.....Well I went on a first date with this chick last night. It was aight. She is not financially where she needs to be, but she seems like a nice person. Since I have my own financial struggles Im not judging her at all about that. She has a plan, which is the main requirement. Her plan does not depend on lottery tickets or a settlement, it is concrete and makes sense. Plus she is in school, and she has a backup plan in case anything happens to knock her off track. She looks ok, but I think she has a nice personality. Who knows. I dont know which role she is going to play in my new harem, if she will play any at all. We will see.
Work? eh. Lol. Same ole story. I will be spending more and more time working on my Olivia project. I think in the long run it will prove to be more lucrative than any other thing I have endeavored. Im also really getting some strong vibes for the book I want to write. I have scenes and lines swirling in my head. Its cooking, almost time to put it on paper.
Thats about it for today. Nothing too deep. I may write more later today. Overall Im in a decent place, all things considered.
Til the next time....
Friday, September 21, 2007
Resuming The Rain
Its been a while. A long while. I have had a lot of time to reflect on things. There have been a lot of changes, some great and some necessary.
I went through the roughest time of my life since losing my grandmother. Its amazing. When everything happened, I call it the season of loss, when my dad, grandmother, mother, and other grandmother all passed within 5 years or so of each other, I thought I could never feel more alone. I created a wall, a forcefield that kept me from allowing anyone to penetrate my soul. I devised every trick in the world to keep people from getting deep enough to cause me that type of devastation if they should leave.
I know that I did the same for my kids, being a little distant but still loving. So afraid that if I loved them fully something would happen and they would be taken from me.
Well, over the years, that changed. I learned to freely love them and not to hold my breath in anticipation that something would happen to them because I loved them. I did not do the same for my other relationships. I constantly found ways to sabotage them. Or I would just let any obstacle be the breaking point. My heart could not yield. I could love, but not give all of me. I could not trust them to be there forever. I could not lean for fear that if I finally, finally let that sense of belonging flood me, and they did not stand....How would I handle living that pain again? A pain that I brought on myself by giving someone the opportunity to harm me.
Well, Blog, you know what happened with "Baby". You know that against my will she crept into my soul. I still never, ever fully leaned on her. I never fully trusted her to be there to catch me when I was in a freefall. Then things ended, but you know, she was forever still saying how much she loved me and was always going to be there.
Enter G. We got really close. Long story short, I trusted her enough to share my past, to share my fears...yadda yadda. She said she loved me.
Well I guess by the opening tone, its apparent what happened. But let me share the specifics....G. Wow.
Backing up. Lets lay the foundation. I changed jobs-Yay. But the downside is that the money is almost 20grand less before commission....Needless to say that its been a struggle making ends meet, but I never asked anyone to help me. I know that as soon as I start getting my commission, things will be better than ever.
Back to the story-I had a trip to Alaska planned. Things were not falling into place financially. Now, Im smart enough to know that I should have backed out of the trip but a friend was going with me and she had a lot of money invested. Because it was my trip, she could not go if I didnt go and she would lose everything she had put into it. No way could I do her like that.
So after stressing and stressing, I finally let the two people who meant the most to me in the world in. I guess G was the one I went to first, since she was calling me her wife and all. She knew what a struggle it was for me. She even bragged in front of friends about how she was gonna do this and do that. Finally when the day came that I broke down, she clearly said to me that she was not going to help me at all. Her words "Yes Im going to let you fall because of your poor planning"...She did not care at all. And you know what? The day I was over at her house, Labor Day, crying because the flight she promised to purchase for me at $229 but didnt was now amost $750.....She did not even come console me. She sat in the livingroom eating and laughing with her roommate.
Now Blog, anyone who knows me at all KNOWS that I am not materialistic, I never ask for anything. And Im very understanding. Blog, if she didnt have the money for it, why did she volunteer? And Blog, why would she let me cry, and not check on me? To me, that is the biggest letdown. Well that and her saying that she willingly let me hit the bottom because of what was in her opinion poor planning. Willingly let me fall? Wow. Knowing I have kids that need things, knowing that I try so hard to balance everything. Even knowing that when she needed some things, I was there for her financially without her even asking...I knew she had a need and I provided it.
Oh Blog. How could anyone be that way towards me? I would give my last to help a friend, much less someone I am supposed to love. But she could not even hold me?
And "Baby"-
When I asked her (against everything in me, i actually asked her for help) she said she could not do anything. She got angry with me because I said something about her knowing how hard it is for me to ask for anything and that this further convinced me that I should not lean on other people. In the back of my mind, a little devil keeps telling me that if we were still screwing like rabbits, it would have been nothing for her to help. She did not even offer. And she hasnt contacted me since.
Now, the thing is that the money came through anyway. Thats not really the issue. My issue is that if you really, really love someone, you care enough not to want them to hurt. Neither of these women gave enough of a damn to even try to be supportive. No "Im sorry baby, but its going to be ok?" Or "I dont have money but Im here if you need a shoulder". Nothing. All I got was "too bad, too sad, holla!"
It was a double repeat of the situation with the ex. When things got tough for me, she bailed. I know that the nightmares of both incidents were probably things that I could have avoided if I was more astute, but the bottom line is I know I would not leave anyone, even a friend, hanging when I could see that they were suffering. I would at least be there for moral support.
I always say that it takes a little rain to make a rainbow. Its so true. In both situations, the ones I gave my heart to left me in the middle of my storm. Almost immediately the clouds parted and everything was so much better than before. Today, things are fine. No worries, no stress. But Im alone, and I know that I will not give me heart again. I will not allow that feeling of abandonment touch me again.
I know there is nobody to lean on but me. I know that. I trust me to make it work when it seems like there is no hope. It does not hurt me to struggle. It hurts so much less to know Im alone in this world than to find out the hard way.
I went through the roughest time of my life since losing my grandmother. Its amazing. When everything happened, I call it the season of loss, when my dad, grandmother, mother, and other grandmother all passed within 5 years or so of each other, I thought I could never feel more alone. I created a wall, a forcefield that kept me from allowing anyone to penetrate my soul. I devised every trick in the world to keep people from getting deep enough to cause me that type of devastation if they should leave.
I know that I did the same for my kids, being a little distant but still loving. So afraid that if I loved them fully something would happen and they would be taken from me.
Well, over the years, that changed. I learned to freely love them and not to hold my breath in anticipation that something would happen to them because I loved them. I did not do the same for my other relationships. I constantly found ways to sabotage them. Or I would just let any obstacle be the breaking point. My heart could not yield. I could love, but not give all of me. I could not trust them to be there forever. I could not lean for fear that if I finally, finally let that sense of belonging flood me, and they did not stand....How would I handle living that pain again? A pain that I brought on myself by giving someone the opportunity to harm me.
Well, Blog, you know what happened with "Baby". You know that against my will she crept into my soul. I still never, ever fully leaned on her. I never fully trusted her to be there to catch me when I was in a freefall. Then things ended, but you know, she was forever still saying how much she loved me and was always going to be there.
Enter G. We got really close. Long story short, I trusted her enough to share my past, to share my fears...yadda yadda. She said she loved me.
Well I guess by the opening tone, its apparent what happened. But let me share the specifics....G. Wow.
Backing up. Lets lay the foundation. I changed jobs-Yay. But the downside is that the money is almost 20grand less before commission....Needless to say that its been a struggle making ends meet, but I never asked anyone to help me. I know that as soon as I start getting my commission, things will be better than ever.
Back to the story-I had a trip to Alaska planned. Things were not falling into place financially. Now, Im smart enough to know that I should have backed out of the trip but a friend was going with me and she had a lot of money invested. Because it was my trip, she could not go if I didnt go and she would lose everything she had put into it. No way could I do her like that.
So after stressing and stressing, I finally let the two people who meant the most to me in the world in. I guess G was the one I went to first, since she was calling me her wife and all. She knew what a struggle it was for me. She even bragged in front of friends about how she was gonna do this and do that. Finally when the day came that I broke down, she clearly said to me that she was not going to help me at all. Her words "Yes Im going to let you fall because of your poor planning"...She did not care at all. And you know what? The day I was over at her house, Labor Day, crying because the flight she promised to purchase for me at $229 but didnt was now amost $750.....She did not even come console me. She sat in the livingroom eating and laughing with her roommate.
Now Blog, anyone who knows me at all KNOWS that I am not materialistic, I never ask for anything. And Im very understanding. Blog, if she didnt have the money for it, why did she volunteer? And Blog, why would she let me cry, and not check on me? To me, that is the biggest letdown. Well that and her saying that she willingly let me hit the bottom because of what was in her opinion poor planning. Willingly let me fall? Wow. Knowing I have kids that need things, knowing that I try so hard to balance everything. Even knowing that when she needed some things, I was there for her financially without her even asking...I knew she had a need and I provided it.
Oh Blog. How could anyone be that way towards me? I would give my last to help a friend, much less someone I am supposed to love. But she could not even hold me?
And "Baby"-
When I asked her (against everything in me, i actually asked her for help) she said she could not do anything. She got angry with me because I said something about her knowing how hard it is for me to ask for anything and that this further convinced me that I should not lean on other people. In the back of my mind, a little devil keeps telling me that if we were still screwing like rabbits, it would have been nothing for her to help. She did not even offer. And she hasnt contacted me since.
Now, the thing is that the money came through anyway. Thats not really the issue. My issue is that if you really, really love someone, you care enough not to want them to hurt. Neither of these women gave enough of a damn to even try to be supportive. No "Im sorry baby, but its going to be ok?" Or "I dont have money but Im here if you need a shoulder". Nothing. All I got was "too bad, too sad, holla!"
It was a double repeat of the situation with the ex. When things got tough for me, she bailed. I know that the nightmares of both incidents were probably things that I could have avoided if I was more astute, but the bottom line is I know I would not leave anyone, even a friend, hanging when I could see that they were suffering. I would at least be there for moral support.
I always say that it takes a little rain to make a rainbow. Its so true. In both situations, the ones I gave my heart to left me in the middle of my storm. Almost immediately the clouds parted and everything was so much better than before. Today, things are fine. No worries, no stress. But Im alone, and I know that I will not give me heart again. I will not allow that feeling of abandonment touch me again.
I know there is nobody to lean on but me. I know that. I trust me to make it work when it seems like there is no hope. It does not hurt me to struggle. It hurts so much less to know Im alone in this world than to find out the hard way.
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