Angry? Indefinable

Today's Mood-Confused

Today I am going to be really honest with my feelings. I am hurt, angry, and sad. I feel so alone, and its really wearing me out.

I look back over the last few months at some of the relationships that I had. I am trying to see what I did that was so terrible. I know I should not have loved someone who was in a relationship already. Maybe that karma is kicking my butt.

Overall, though, Im angry with those women. Im so angry and hurt that Baby would just shut me out, dropping me as a friend when I needed a friend more than anything. Im so furious at myself for letting my heart open to her. I knew better. I knew better. I knew. But it happened, and look what happened. It makes me sad to know that my coochie held more value to her than my heart and spirit. I alternate between wanting to reach out and say "why? you know what I have been through in my life. How could you treat me this way when all I did was love you??". What difference would those few words make? None. So I know that putting myself out there like that would just open the door to more hurt.

Im almost not even angry with G. Im just pissed that I wasted good sex on her. Excellent sex. She did not even deserve that much. The cynical me evaluates every relationship and weighs the loss factor. Did I give more than I got? In this case its a yes and no. I gave so much more energy to her than she gave to me. I think mainly I let her have that advantage because I mistook her blandness for the typical "stud" thing. I let her sit back and enjoy my sensuality without returning the passion, and I allowed her lame excuses. My bad. But on the other hand, I did not lose anything materialistically so Im gonna call it a wash.

Oh well. I guess my frustration is really with myself. I am honest with my feelings. Even though I withhold some of the deeper things that I feel, I always am honest with the people that I deal with. If I tell them that I care, I truly care. I care enough about them to do whatever I can to make them happy. I listen, I try to make them better, to enhance them. Why do I give even that much of myself?

My friend Felicia says that I need to be more detached than I already am. She always tells me that I don't need to believe anything they say, just watch what the do. The problem is that I do watch. They always treat me so well at first. Otherwise things would not go forward at all. The problem is most likely the fact that I am too good to them. I give them so much that they come to expect it. I don't know. Who cares? Im aggravated with myself for feeling so hurt and angry. I would rather feel a little lonely than to open myself and end up feeling so alone.

Alright, enough of that. Along the lines of my Olivia stuff, Im excited. There is a silver lining. I have so many people booking the trips right now that it is amazing. I spend a good part of each day working on this project and yes, it has finally grown into a potential full time gig. I will know for sure after the first of the year. Yay. So to those girls who dropped me when I was struggling, who made me feel like a worthless failure, I guess my time is coming. You shoulda stuck by me. You should have given me a chance instead of writing me off. I didnt kick any of them when they were down. Too bad I couldnt have the same compassion.