Resuming The Rain

Its been a while. A long while. I have had a lot of time to reflect on things. There have been a lot of changes, some great and some necessary.

I went through the roughest time of my life since losing my grandmother. Its amazing. When everything happened, I call it the season of loss, when my dad, grandmother, mother, and other grandmother all passed within 5 years or so of each other, I thought I could never feel more alone. I created a wall, a forcefield that kept me from allowing anyone to penetrate my soul. I devised every trick in the world to keep people from getting deep enough to cause me that type of devastation if they should leave.

I know that I did the same for my kids, being a little distant but still loving. So afraid that if I loved them fully something would happen and they would be taken from me.

Well, over the years, that changed. I learned to freely love them and not to hold my breath in anticipation that something would happen to them because I loved them. I did not do the same for my other relationships. I constantly found ways to sabotage them. Or I would just let any obstacle be the breaking point. My heart could not yield. I could love, but not give all of me. I could not trust them to be there forever. I could not lean for fear that if I finally, finally let that sense of belonging flood me, and they did not stand....How would I handle living that pain again? A pain that I brought on myself by giving someone the opportunity to harm me.

Well, Blog, you know what happened with "Baby". You know that against my will she crept into my soul. I still never, ever fully leaned on her. I never fully trusted her to be there to catch me when I was in a freefall. Then things ended, but you know, she was forever still saying how much she loved me and was always going to be there.

Enter G. We got really close. Long story short, I trusted her enough to share my past, to share my fears...yadda yadda. She said she loved me.

Well I guess by the opening tone, its apparent what happened. But let me share the specifics....G. Wow.

Backing up. Lets lay the foundation. I changed jobs-Yay. But the downside is that the money is almost 20grand less before commission....Needless to say that its been a struggle making ends meet, but I never asked anyone to help me. I know that as soon as I start getting my commission, things will be better than ever.

Back to the story-I had a trip to Alaska planned. Things were not falling into place financially. Now, Im smart enough to know that I should have backed out of the trip but a friend was going with me and she had a lot of money invested. Because it was my trip, she could not go if I didnt go and she would lose everything she had put into it. No way could I do her like that.

So after stressing and stressing, I finally let the two people who meant the most to me in the world in. I guess G was the one I went to first, since she was calling me her wife and all. She knew what a struggle it was for me. She even bragged in front of friends about how she was gonna do this and do that. Finally when the day came that I broke down, she clearly said to me that she was not going to help me at all. Her words "Yes Im going to let you fall because of your poor planning"...She did not care at all. And you know what? The day I was over at her house, Labor Day, crying because the flight she promised to purchase for me at $229 but didnt was now amost $750.....She did not even come console me. She sat in the livingroom eating and laughing with her roommate.

Now Blog, anyone who knows me at all KNOWS that I am not materialistic, I never ask for anything. And Im very understanding. Blog, if she didnt have the money for it, why did she volunteer? And Blog, why would she let me cry, and not check on me? To me, that is the biggest letdown. Well that and her saying that she willingly let me hit the bottom because of what was in her opinion poor planning. Willingly let me fall? Wow. Knowing I have kids that need things, knowing that I try so hard to balance everything. Even knowing that when she needed some things, I was there for her financially without her even asking...I knew she had a need and I provided it.

Oh Blog. How could anyone be that way towards me? I would give my last to help a friend, much less someone I am supposed to love. But she could not even hold me?

And "Baby"-

When I asked her (against everything in me, i actually asked her for help) she said she could not do anything. She got angry with me because I said something about her knowing how hard it is for me to ask for anything and that this further convinced me that I should not lean on other people. In the back of my mind, a little devil keeps telling me that if we were still screwing like rabbits, it would have been nothing for her to help. She did not even offer. And she hasnt contacted me since.

Now, the thing is that the money came through anyway. Thats not really the issue. My issue is that if you really, really love someone, you care enough not to want them to hurt. Neither of these women gave enough of a damn to even try to be supportive. No "Im sorry baby, but its going to be ok?" Or "I dont have money but Im here if you need a shoulder". Nothing. All I got was "too bad, too sad, holla!"

It was a double repeat of the situation with the ex. When things got tough for me, she bailed. I know that the nightmares of both incidents were probably things that I could have avoided if I was more astute, but the bottom line is I know I would not leave anyone, even a friend, hanging when I could see that they were suffering. I would at least be there for moral support.

I always say that it takes a little rain to make a rainbow. Its so true. In both situations, the ones I gave my heart to left me in the middle of my storm. Almost immediately the clouds parted and everything was so much better than before. Today, things are fine. No worries, no stress. But Im alone, and I know that I will not give me heart again. I will not allow that feeling of abandonment touch me again.

I know there is nobody to lean on but me. I know that. I trust me to make it work when it seems like there is no hope. It does not hurt me to struggle. It hurts so much less to know Im alone in this world than to find out the hard way.