And They Keep Tumbling Down...

Today's Mood: Tired and Excited at the same time

This has been an interesting day. Its amazing how one day can be filled with so many emotions. It started out great-I worked out, ate well, and went right to work. I was pretty productive and made some great progress.

Then it got even better. I heard from the job opportunitiy that Ive been hoping for. This is the most concrete possibility that has come my way from them ever. I just have to wait a bit longer and I will know something. I feel in my heart that it will be positive, I just have to stay prayerful.

Then it took a nosedive. I have to say that I was proud of myself for maintaining my composure. My partner started in on me about my son, about every little thing. She makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. No wonder my blood pressure is so high. Its out of control right now-the medicine is not even really helping. I know its high when I can feel my pulse in my ear and neck. When I get that slight headache.

And then, she really made me pause when she said that she stayed in her little room because she didnt want to be around my son. I could see if he was doing things wrong or being disrespectful. The kid is trying so hard to do things right. He, too is walking on eggshells. He has to basically ask before he gets a glass of juice. We catalogued all of the food in the cabinets-he knows what belongs to me so that he doesnt accidentally eat anything that she really likes.

He gets up early every day, cleans up, does other chores, and basically follows a schedule like he is in prison-to try to make her comfortable. And he doesnt complain, well not too much.

Annnd THEN she really let me know how she felt. She told me that she was not trying to be intimate with me while he lives here! LOL. I have been trying hard to get him into Job Corps but that made me kinda feel like perhaps I should slow it down. I mean, if she doesn't want to be with me because my son is here, I think thats crazy! I don't have a desire to be with her in that way anyway-she doesnt turn me on at all.

Whenever she goes into her full-blown crazy mode, she starts looking so unattractive to me. I don't see anything lovely or sexy in her. I can muster up some passion, but its not coming honestly or easily. Its so funny to me, but when she is in her normal, right mind-I can find myself attracted to her.

So she said that to me! I was stunned, but also a bit relieved. I don't know why she is that way. Our home-no her home-is quiet. Its clean. I work hard to book gigs for her. She basically does nothing all day. The most she does is fix herself something to eat. I fix stuff for me and my son, wash the animals, clean up after her dog almost all the time. Yet, she is always tired and my son is making her uncomfortable. I don't get it. He barely talks to anyone and he really likes her-or he did.

Another interesting thing happened today. I did a test. Over the last 4 or 5 days, I left clean laundry in the dryer. They sat there until I got them out. I also tried to leave dishes in the sink but I couldn't take it for more than a few hours. Again, nothing. She does nothing. She plays on the internet, talks on the phone and writes her Great Novel. I just don't get it.

All I have to say is that something has to give. Im tired, tired, tired. I finally feel that its going to be ok. Im ready to enter the workplace. If I have to work 3 different jobs, I will. Im definitely going to school for that billing class. Somehow.

Im so inspired by the movie Benjamin Buttons. I saw it at the perfect time. I have to start over, I cannot let fear keep me a hostage. Its ridiculous. I think of the women that lived with me. I never made them feel like this. I always let them have a home. Everything was ours. The one with kids, I made sure I took care of her son like mine. Its just very hard but my heart has closed shop.

Thats enough for now. I will keep my fingers, toes, eyes, weave, everything crossed for this job. I hate that I won't hear anything until next week. I know I will hear something by Monday and if its not good, I will go out job hunting on my own. I have to find something and I am having very little luck with the internet.

Anyway, thats it for tonight. Oh yea, my new friend is very interesting. I have to be careful not to cross any boundaries with her or anyone else. I don't need any bad karma. Not now.

See u tomorrow!


LD