New Year, New Me!

Well, 2009 is here, and Im trying to go into it with a whole new attitude. Im using the idea of Dominos. I feel like my plan for my life is set up like a domino display. I have a few lead strands, but once those leads are tipped over, everything will fall in a gorgeous, and exciting display.

I tipped one of the lead rows today. I started working out and watching what I put into my body. I weighed in, and I need (want) to lose 40 lbs. Of course, if I lose 20, I will be happy, 25 would be perfect. I don't think the 40 is really gonna happen. Ive never been that thin. But its a good goal for the entire year. This domino tipped my dressing better and fixing myself up domino. It lead to my feeling confident, daily domino. So it was a succesful start, and I keep hearing the clicking as this pattern continues to unfurl.

The next side is going to be finding a job. I have a brilliant idea-I just don't know if I should discuss it with the company that Im interested in or not. I think that I should just go for it, and let the chips fall where they may. If they don't like it, then its fine. I have other options and plans.

The next tier that will fall once I find a job is finding a place here in or near our town. That way I can start to stand on my own 2 feet again. If things are meant to work out with my partner, they will. I think living apart may be the smartest thing. We will be able to see whats what. I need to pay off my Macy's and other credit cards first, so that I only have my insurance, car note, health insurance, and the bills associated with renting a place.Right now, my total bills can be knocked down a good bit, so thats one of the dominos that has to fall.

Im excited to have made it through the first day. I think I stayed under 1200 calories, and had very little fat. I had some carbs, but thats ok. As long as I cut back and watch everything, I will be fine. Plus the workout is going to make a difference.

So, today I spent time online with one of my favorite friends. I will probably always have the biggest crush on her, but we are destined to be just great friends. I guess sometimes thats better than being lovers. The intimacy that friends share can be deeper, as is evident by my current relationship. Its interesting though, to feel that umph again. I miss feeling that tingle.

I don't know if my partner and I will ever be able to work through our differences and find a place of pure happiness. Im just not sure. I feel that she is not really focused on me as a woman, and I know that my attention is waning. We both need to work hard to find out if something is still there. If not, we need to just deal with the loss and start preparing to move on.

Im not going to stress about it. I almost died the day after Christmas, so I cannot afford to stress. Its not worth it anyway. I gave all that I can give, and Im working hard to be a good partner. If it doesnt work, I cant say that I didnt try my best.

Who knows what the future holds. I just want happiness and passion. And friendship. And laughter. And honesty. And....everything. Thats not too much, right?

Until tomorrow or whenever,

G