Tuesday Tales

Today's Mood: Chill

This has been an emotional rollercoaster of a day. Lets see. It started out...interesting. My beautiful wakeup text was....interesting to say the least. She woke me asking questions about her wife. It was a strange thing to me, but it didn't make me angry or hurt my feelings. I guess Im strange because I love knowing that we are close enough for her to come at me like that. Now, I will admit that it threw me off a little. I feel that the morning texts and talks are our special time. I can't have her alllll the time, but I do cherish starting my day with her.

Ok so moving on past that, the day progressed to become even more interesting. I got to work and apparently I am going to be offered the new job. So of course it was nearly impossible to do anything at all today. In the course of talking with her about stuff she revealed an extremely annoying habit that I have-one I wasn't aware of. At first I was defensive, I mean, who wants to hear that they are not perfection. Then I dug a little deeper into myself and opened up a door that I was not prepared to open. I realized a lot about myself and remembered some painful, painful things from my childhood.

We talked about how I have always been made to feel unattractive by my mom. I didnt tell her that until I went to college, I wouldnt even look up when I walked through the halls in school. No-I changed a little towards the end of 12th grade. I had some friends, but I wouldn't really talk to anyone that I didnt know well. I was teased about being stuck up, when I was so painfully shy that I could barely string 3 words into a sentence.

I was forced to think about my mother. She used to slyly beat me down, and I have to admit that I am still a little angry about it. I definitely remember her telling me that I wasnt cute, my hair wasnt long enough. She would find joy sometimes in my missteps. A crazy memory is when I accidentally dyed my hair flame red. She thought that was so funny. She was disappointed when I had sense enough to buy some dark dye and even it out to a rich mahogany color that was beautiful.

I remember when I was the flower girl in a wedding. I was already painfully shy but right before I walked down the aisle, she said I wouldnt be able to do it with all of those people looking at me. She said if I messed up they would laugh. I remember, I think I was about 6 or 7, I remember when I walked out, the lady on the end was smiling and nodding at me. In my childish mind I thought she was laughing at me because mama said they would laugh. I started crying and ran all the way down. She fussed at me for throwing big clumps of flowers and never tried to comfort me. My grandmother always tried to step in and fix me. Her favorite thing to say was "Val, leave that child alone". I remember it like yesterday.

I remember, gosh do I remember, I remember her telling me that I was a princess. You would think that was a good thing. But to her I was a princess because I didnt like things to be junky. I didnt like for my clothes to smell smoky. I didnt eat chitterlings. Anything that was unique to me made me a snobby princess who thought she was better than everyone else. I heard this a million times. Sometimes if I cleaned up my room, she would bring all of my clean clothes upstairs and dump them all over my bed and the floor. I don't know why she was so jealous. And mean. And I don't know how these memories faded away. Heck, I dont know why Im not totally nuts. Wait...Oh yea. I am.

My Granny did so much to act as a buffer. She bought me nice and stylish clothes when mom said she couldnt afford it. She made sure I got to be in things like girl scouts to help make friends. She was always putting me in things to make me be in the public eye-like Christmas pageants, missionaries, church things. She would not let me be a cripple to my shyness. She made me take dance lessons, gymnastics, swimming. All of that. She also encouraged my reading. Mom said I was being stuck up, always up in my room reading with the door locked. Like the quiet time was a bad thing. Like I was doing something wrong.

Granny always bought me books. She bought makeup and taught me how to use it. She took me to get on the pill when I thought it might be time to do that. Mom called me a whore and a slut. Granny went with me to the clinic and taught me about how to value myself.

Hmmmm. As I told my Baby today, self-reflection sux. I am old. My mom and Granny are long deceased. Why are all of these thoughts coming out now? What good is it going to do?

In 12th grade, I was voted one of the senior class beauties. I cried and cried. I thought it was a joke at first, but somehow people elected me to that position. When I got to college, I ran with the wild, pretty crowd of freshmen. I felt like a fraud. So many days I would lock up in my room and cry because I felt that they would find out that I was not good enough and gang up on me or something equally foolish. I guess I developed some self esteem during that time though. When I pledged my sorority, that helped too.

Those who know me know about my last relationship and how she kinda drop-kicked me back to that place where I questioned my value. I mean, if you have lived almost your entire life being told how ugly you are and how you just don't measure up...How even though you get excellent grades, your dropout brother is still the darling of the family and can do no wrong. How you can go to college but ummm too bad if you need anything that your scholarships dont provide but hey your brother can have a car and no job (other than drug dealing, but we will pay for the car and whatnot)---what was my point? oh yeah...My point is living like that for so many years, climbing out of it, and having someone who you trust to love you and protect you tell you that you are fat and unappealing. Tell you that they don't want you because you turn them off with your fat azz.......I guess it flipped me back to those years.

Today, today I am....better? I never see what other people see when they look at me. I still sometimes see that buck toothed girl with the greasy jheri curl and the big lime green polyester dress that I was forced to wear until I cut it up. Or the green and purple jumper.....The one that the kids thought was so hilarious. The one that when I begged not to wear it I was scolded and told to be glad I had anything.....I see that girl. I try to see what they see. I feel confident most of the time now. I know Im ok-but the flashes from the past hit me when I don't expect them. I know Im ok, though. I know Im not a horrid looking woman. My mind knows it but my heart still feels like that little reject kid.

Self reflection truly sux. For real. My Baby said I sounded like I was a braggart when I talk about people being interested in me. It kinda hurt my feelings at first, but being a realist I understand where she was coming from. Nobody knows my history. They don't know that when talk about it, its with wonder and surprise, not bragging. It still surprises me when people react to me like Im attractive or whatever. I know it shouldn't but it does. And sometimes I babble about it. Im going to have to watch that but its still...weird.