Today's Mood: Loved, wanted, desired
Today has been a good day. It started out with my so-distracted Baby texting me. Her mind was in a million places today so our talking was sporadic. I enjoyed her nonetheless. Any time we have to share is wonderful.
I made it in to work almost on time. Found out that I did get the new job (yay). I gave my notice to my boss but he wouldnt accept it. He said I would get at least $5000/yr raise....hootie hooo big deal. Thats about an additional $100 week. So not acceptable when you think about the fact that we only get one raise a year. So not acceptable when my coworkers still make more than me and I do as much or more than them. In fact all of their numbers are in a decline but mine are in an increase. Oh well. I wouldnt stay for anything. I hate that job.
I need to get my sophistication back. Working there has made me get so ghetto. My vocabulary is slipping. I am not mentally challenged at all. My only concerns are the fact that they may ask me to leave without working my notice and its up to them if they want to pay out my notice or just tell me to get-to-steppin. Also I now have to get some new clothes. I need suits and dressier things. No more capris and lazy clothes. Im excited though, and its a great opportunity.
What else is new? I feel so consumed by my baby's love. I wrote something for her tonight that gave me shivers while I was writing it. Loving her is making me so open. I am more everything. More creative, more loving, more passionate, more patient. I can't wait for her to read it in the morning. She is going to die. I literally almost had an orgasm envisioning the scenes that I wrote about.
I think she is so good for me. Im forever telling her how she makes my life better. What she does for me. I want to know what I bring to her. How do I make her happy, how do I enrich her life. I know how I confuse her-lol. I definitely know how to infuriate her. I want to know what draws her to me from her perspective.
I wonder what kind of woman I am sometimes. I am so many people wrapped up in one. I am so crazy. Im almost 40 but I still play like a kid. I love to play tricks, tell jokes. I love to make people laugh. I am also a fighter. I hardly ever get mad about transgressions against myself but if you mess with one of mine or someone weaker, its ON. I am strong but so fragile at the same time. I think in my life, most people get focused on my strength that they don't see the ultra sensitive side of me. Im passionate, outgoing but still shy on the inside. Im vivacious in public but so content to have quiet time alone. Most time I prefer to chill alone or with a mate. Im driven but not competitive or money motivated. I guess Im a weirdo. A conundrum.
I dont have anything deep to talk about tonight. I am feeling loved and wanted. Its so beautiful. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can harm me. She makes me feel so wonderful. Im happy with life.
Tomorrow I will try to find something to be insightful about....
I am done with self reflection for the YEAR. LOL I traumatized myself yesterday and Im not going there today.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Mmmm Monday
Today's Mood: Blissful
I hate missing days from here. This is a place where I find peace and clarity. Fortunately this weekend provided me with all of that and much, much more.
My Baby was here this weekend, and we spent so much time in each other's presence. She came in on Thursday, and didn't leave until Sunday evening. So of course you can see why writing in this blog was the last thing on my mind.
Where do I start? Maybe I should start with how I felt on Thursday as I waited for her to get here. I was a myriad of volatile emotions. Almost every feeling was tossed in the mix. I was excited to see her again after being apart for so long. I was nervous because I didnt know how we would react to each other after all the drama we have been through. I was...scared..that my reality would not measure up to her expectations. That maybe our first time together was a fluke.
Needless to say, my fears were groundless. We had the most beautiful time. I guess almost every emotion did come to the surface after all. I love her so much. Thats really all I can think about. As soon as I saw her, all doubts went out the window.
We had so much fun just being together. We did a WNBA game, which sucked cause we lost. We ate out at my fave place. I almost cried when I smelled the leftovers. I remember the way she looked at me across the table. Her feelings truly shine from her beautiful eyes. I think I needed to see her to know just how deeply she is into this.
I don't want to elaborate on the sexual part. It was spiritual to me. Im going to keep that part in my secret internal place, for only our memories to share. I will say that I went to places that Ive never been. I love her scent. I love her taste. I am enraptured by her moans. I was near tears so many times because even when we were going at it like wild things, it was an incredible merging of spirits and bodies. Physically we are perfect together but now that our emotions are more in harmony-it was unbelievable.
I feel like we are better everything after this visit. Definitely better lovers and most importantly better friends. What we have is like a little tender green shoot, just breaking through the surface and reaching for sunlight. We have to be so careful to keep it nurtured and not to give it toooo much light causing it to wither and burn.
I digress......
When she left me on Sunday, I was a mess. A total wreck. I was so miserable that I ended up laughing at my own self. It was hilarious, I was acting like the world was ending. This girl is the only person who has caused me to get in the bed, in the fetal position (lol), and act all super dramatic. Living the emotions is unusual to me. I can almost always shut down and just act like "its all good". Not with her. She demands that I give her all of me, honestly and completely. I guess by opening up it makes it so much harder to close the gates on my feelings when I want to. I finally got it together and went out with some friends to an L-Word viewing party. Thats about when my mind drifted from the loving, sweet thoughts to the hot sexual memories of the weekend. Now Im ready for more.
Thats enough of that for now. Today I have a final interview with this company that I like. I will write in tomorrow to report if I get out of this jail or not.
I hate missing days from here. This is a place where I find peace and clarity. Fortunately this weekend provided me with all of that and much, much more.
My Baby was here this weekend, and we spent so much time in each other's presence. She came in on Thursday, and didn't leave until Sunday evening. So of course you can see why writing in this blog was the last thing on my mind.
Where do I start? Maybe I should start with how I felt on Thursday as I waited for her to get here. I was a myriad of volatile emotions. Almost every feeling was tossed in the mix. I was excited to see her again after being apart for so long. I was nervous because I didnt know how we would react to each other after all the drama we have been through. I was...scared..that my reality would not measure up to her expectations. That maybe our first time together was a fluke.
Needless to say, my fears were groundless. We had the most beautiful time. I guess almost every emotion did come to the surface after all. I love her so much. Thats really all I can think about. As soon as I saw her, all doubts went out the window.
We had so much fun just being together. We did a WNBA game, which sucked cause we lost. We ate out at my fave place. I almost cried when I smelled the leftovers. I remember the way she looked at me across the table. Her feelings truly shine from her beautiful eyes. I think I needed to see her to know just how deeply she is into this.
I don't want to elaborate on the sexual part. It was spiritual to me. Im going to keep that part in my secret internal place, for only our memories to share. I will say that I went to places that Ive never been. I love her scent. I love her taste. I am enraptured by her moans. I was near tears so many times because even when we were going at it like wild things, it was an incredible merging of spirits and bodies. Physically we are perfect together but now that our emotions are more in harmony-it was unbelievable.
I feel like we are better everything after this visit. Definitely better lovers and most importantly better friends. What we have is like a little tender green shoot, just breaking through the surface and reaching for sunlight. We have to be so careful to keep it nurtured and not to give it toooo much light causing it to wither and burn.
I digress......
When she left me on Sunday, I was a mess. A total wreck. I was so miserable that I ended up laughing at my own self. It was hilarious, I was acting like the world was ending. This girl is the only person who has caused me to get in the bed, in the fetal position (lol), and act all super dramatic. Living the emotions is unusual to me. I can almost always shut down and just act like "its all good". Not with her. She demands that I give her all of me, honestly and completely. I guess by opening up it makes it so much harder to close the gates on my feelings when I want to. I finally got it together and went out with some friends to an L-Word viewing party. Thats about when my mind drifted from the loving, sweet thoughts to the hot sexual memories of the weekend. Now Im ready for more.
Thats enough of that for now. Today I have a final interview with this company that I like. I will write in tomorrow to report if I get out of this jail or not.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Clipped Wings
Today's Mood: Good, Lazy, Relaxed
Ok, so I know today's title is a little dramatic. Maybe its because Ive sat on my fat azz all day looking at reality shows. And luvin it. Its been a perfectly lazy day. I literally did not do jack, except for cook a meal and run to the grocery store. I didnt get out of my tshirt and boxers. Perfection.
So to recap Sunday. I cleaned up my place, and once again resolved to start looking for a new space. I don't hate this one, I just want an upgrade. One thats not going to cost much more than this one but is a little better. Im not even sure Im staying in Houston, so thats not a major issue right now.
Back to my day-I started cleaning my closets, then decided that is way too much work for right now. I went out for crawfish with my new friend, lets call her "S" for now. We met up at this little place down the street from my apartment. She was a perfect "gentlewoman" lol, opening doors, pulling out my chair. All this from someone who swears that she is not into roles and all that jazz. I just laughed. Oh wait-I forgot. On the way there, a car pulled up beside me blowing the horn all hard. I thought something was wrong, a light out or my gas tank open so I slowed down. These guys were trying to holla at me, and acting all nutty. I politely said no thank you and continued on to my destination.
Why did they follow me to the restaurant? Then he came over to my car and kept trying to talk. I said I was meeting "my woman" (lol the whole time) and I was not interested. He was like "ooooh" and said "well, can I still get your number anyway?" LOL I hate when they do that. So while he is hanging all over my car, "S" drives up. She doesn't know my car so she didnt even look over. I bounced out of the car so fast, telling the guy he was gonna get me beat up. Poor "S" had no clue. lol It was so funny. I know she was wondering why I ran over to her so fast.
We had a nice time talking and laughing. We mainly talk about her recent breakup. I keep telling her that she needs to go slow, and live her emotions. It won't do her or whoever she dates next any good for her to keep squashing them down. She needs to go through the pain, the tears, all of it. She needs to be sure she is ready to start moving on. She does understand that and accepts that she is not ready for a relationship. Thats what makes it cool for us to hang out-no expectations at all.
She knows my heart is preoccupied and she accepts that. I know she has tons of healing to do (and tons of other women that she dates) so we are cool with being friends. I asked myself if she could really be someone special to me. The answer is a loud "Dont know". She is sexy, intelligent, all that, but I can't see her as more right now. Maybe its because she is not showing me all of herself, maybe its because my heart is taken. Who knows? She is great for a few laughs and an occasional meal.
Holidays-I guess if I have to be honest, I should talk about my holiday blues problem. I get so lonely on days like this. Family and friend days. My few close friends are out of town this weekend. I find myself alone, as usual. I don't know why I still get depressed after all of these years. It makes me sad, makes me miss my family. I think this year was a little better because I did just stay in the house to myself. I didnt surround myself with strangers, faking like I welcomed their company. I just did me, and did whatever I wanted to do. I didn't cry this time. I wasn't really blue. It just hurt a little.
I wonder if I will ever feel like part of a family again. I wonder if I am destined to always be alone. I don't fear that, I think Im resigned to it. I heard once that people are allotted a certain amount of luck in their lives and when they use it up, then thats that. Maybe its the same with love. I know I was so loved by my Granny and my family. Maybe that is all Im entitled to. I won't complain. I have been very blessed to have been treated the way I was. If I never feel that blanket of security and warmth again, then its ok.
So thats enough melancholy stuff. Tomorrow Im back in the hellhole called work. I have a job interview tomorrow (if I go) so I need to scheme on an explanation for why Im all dressed up. Maybe I wont dress up since I already met with the guy. I highly doubt he can pay me what Im making now anyway. We shall see.
Til tomorrow....
Ok, so I know today's title is a little dramatic. Maybe its because Ive sat on my fat azz all day looking at reality shows. And luvin it. Its been a perfectly lazy day. I literally did not do jack, except for cook a meal and run to the grocery store. I didnt get out of my tshirt and boxers. Perfection.
So to recap Sunday. I cleaned up my place, and once again resolved to start looking for a new space. I don't hate this one, I just want an upgrade. One thats not going to cost much more than this one but is a little better. Im not even sure Im staying in Houston, so thats not a major issue right now.
Back to my day-I started cleaning my closets, then decided that is way too much work for right now. I went out for crawfish with my new friend, lets call her "S" for now. We met up at this little place down the street from my apartment. She was a perfect "gentlewoman" lol, opening doors, pulling out my chair. All this from someone who swears that she is not into roles and all that jazz. I just laughed. Oh wait-I forgot. On the way there, a car pulled up beside me blowing the horn all hard. I thought something was wrong, a light out or my gas tank open so I slowed down. These guys were trying to holla at me, and acting all nutty. I politely said no thank you and continued on to my destination.
Why did they follow me to the restaurant? Then he came over to my car and kept trying to talk. I said I was meeting "my woman" (lol the whole time) and I was not interested. He was like "ooooh" and said "well, can I still get your number anyway?" LOL I hate when they do that. So while he is hanging all over my car, "S" drives up. She doesn't know my car so she didnt even look over. I bounced out of the car so fast, telling the guy he was gonna get me beat up. Poor "S" had no clue. lol It was so funny. I know she was wondering why I ran over to her so fast.
We had a nice time talking and laughing. We mainly talk about her recent breakup. I keep telling her that she needs to go slow, and live her emotions. It won't do her or whoever she dates next any good for her to keep squashing them down. She needs to go through the pain, the tears, all of it. She needs to be sure she is ready to start moving on. She does understand that and accepts that she is not ready for a relationship. Thats what makes it cool for us to hang out-no expectations at all.
She knows my heart is preoccupied and she accepts that. I know she has tons of healing to do (and tons of other women that she dates) so we are cool with being friends. I asked myself if she could really be someone special to me. The answer is a loud "Dont know". She is sexy, intelligent, all that, but I can't see her as more right now. Maybe its because she is not showing me all of herself, maybe its because my heart is taken. Who knows? She is great for a few laughs and an occasional meal.
Holidays-I guess if I have to be honest, I should talk about my holiday blues problem. I get so lonely on days like this. Family and friend days. My few close friends are out of town this weekend. I find myself alone, as usual. I don't know why I still get depressed after all of these years. It makes me sad, makes me miss my family. I think this year was a little better because I did just stay in the house to myself. I didnt surround myself with strangers, faking like I welcomed their company. I just did me, and did whatever I wanted to do. I didn't cry this time. I wasn't really blue. It just hurt a little.
I wonder if I will ever feel like part of a family again. I wonder if I am destined to always be alone. I don't fear that, I think Im resigned to it. I heard once that people are allotted a certain amount of luck in their lives and when they use it up, then thats that. Maybe its the same with love. I know I was so loved by my Granny and my family. Maybe that is all Im entitled to. I won't complain. I have been very blessed to have been treated the way I was. If I never feel that blanket of security and warmth again, then its ok.
So thats enough melancholy stuff. Tomorrow Im back in the hellhole called work. I have a job interview tomorrow (if I go) so I need to scheme on an explanation for why Im all dressed up. Maybe I wont dress up since I already met with the guy. I highly doubt he can pay me what Im making now anyway. We shall see.
Til tomorrow....
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Harmony and Hedonism
Today's Mood: Totally, Unequivocally, Outrageously Horny
Wow. What a difference a day makes. We started out on fire. I was blazing from the moment I heard her ringtone. I guess our little conversation last night ignited something in both of us.
We have the most amazing non-physical physical connection. When we come (cum) together on the phone, its mindblowing. I have had better phone sex with her than actual sex with other people. Normally that would be a sad statement but I have had some pretty great sex in my time. The way we mentally stimulate each other is just unbelievable. Our sounds....I swear I can feel her when we play. I can smell her scent. I....
Im not going to talk about all of that. Amazing phone sex, sexy whimpers, yadda yadda. Yes its very different and its wonderful but thats not what is on my mind right at this moment.
My girl is amazing in so many other ways. I have never felt so special. She is a million miles away but I feel like she is right here. I wake up with her almost every morning. She kisses me goodnight every night. I love it.
But you know, I dont really want to talk about how close we are either.
Hmmm, what is on my heart today? Honestly, Im so aroused and tired...I feel like I have had sex all day. Really I have. Its so cool when two creative and imaginative people come together. We can play head games infinitely. And we do.
I would love to creep inside her mind and find out the things she thinks but does not say. While she is so very verbal...(more on that later...) I know there are a lot of things she keeps inside. She mentioned my layers. I know Im hard to really get to know. She is easier than me but I want to keep going deeper and deeper.
I also want to make her happier than she ever has been. Every now and then I hear a little wistfulness. I want to take that from her tone permanently. I want to erase anything that makes her dimple go away, even for a split second. She often says I want to ease her away from her wife and I don't. What I do want? I want....everything she gives me. She makes me feel so many things and Im hooked. I don't want her to leave her wife. The reason is simple and stupid. If she had to end her relationship, it would devastate her and cause so much pain. I don't want her to hurt.
As long as we do this, she has the best of both worlds. I know I bring everything she wants from her wife. She doesn't realize that she gives me the things that I always wanted. So I really, truly want things the way they are. In my heart of hearts, I guess I can admit that I feel a little scared. I don't know if I am ENOUGH for her. I mean, maybe I won't measure up to her wife. I would hate for her to leap over here and be disappointed by my reality. Maybe Im just good for the good times and not capable of maintaining a real relationship with someone like her. Maybe after the new-car-smell wears off she will see that Im a Nissan, not a Lexus. I don't know.
Ah whatever. Im too happy to worry about all of that. I just love her so. Im back on my pink fluffy cloud. Im disgustingly satisfied with the way we are right now.
I would give anything just to make her smile. She is so...everything. I enjoy just listening to her voice so much. You know, sometimes she will say the silliest and most unexpected things. I have to pause and mentally replay whatever she said before I fall out laughing. Other times she is so smart and serious. Then, like the last few days, she is the most retarded and slow person imaginable. I love the reveal. I hope to be learning things about her 4 years from now.
Ok, its time to log out of this thing. A lot of words saying much of nothing. I have to do better. Right now, I don't have any earth shattering, illuminating deep feelings. Im just happy and horny. Light. Its a great feeling. Thank you, Baby. What you do, and don't even KNOW you do, priceless.
Wow. What a difference a day makes. We started out on fire. I was blazing from the moment I heard her ringtone. I guess our little conversation last night ignited something in both of us.
We have the most amazing non-physical physical connection. When we come (cum) together on the phone, its mindblowing. I have had better phone sex with her than actual sex with other people. Normally that would be a sad statement but I have had some pretty great sex in my time. The way we mentally stimulate each other is just unbelievable. Our sounds....I swear I can feel her when we play. I can smell her scent. I....
Im not going to talk about all of that. Amazing phone sex, sexy whimpers, yadda yadda. Yes its very different and its wonderful but thats not what is on my mind right at this moment.
My girl is amazing in so many other ways. I have never felt so special. She is a million miles away but I feel like she is right here. I wake up with her almost every morning. She kisses me goodnight every night. I love it.
But you know, I dont really want to talk about how close we are either.
Hmmm, what is on my heart today? Honestly, Im so aroused and tired...I feel like I have had sex all day. Really I have. Its so cool when two creative and imaginative people come together. We can play head games infinitely. And we do.
I would love to creep inside her mind and find out the things she thinks but does not say. While she is so very verbal...(more on that later...) I know there are a lot of things she keeps inside. She mentioned my layers. I know Im hard to really get to know. She is easier than me but I want to keep going deeper and deeper.
I also want to make her happier than she ever has been. Every now and then I hear a little wistfulness. I want to take that from her tone permanently. I want to erase anything that makes her dimple go away, even for a split second. She often says I want to ease her away from her wife and I don't. What I do want? I want....everything she gives me. She makes me feel so many things and Im hooked. I don't want her to leave her wife. The reason is simple and stupid. If she had to end her relationship, it would devastate her and cause so much pain. I don't want her to hurt.
As long as we do this, she has the best of both worlds. I know I bring everything she wants from her wife. She doesn't realize that she gives me the things that I always wanted. So I really, truly want things the way they are. In my heart of hearts, I guess I can admit that I feel a little scared. I don't know if I am ENOUGH for her. I mean, maybe I won't measure up to her wife. I would hate for her to leap over here and be disappointed by my reality. Maybe Im just good for the good times and not capable of maintaining a real relationship with someone like her. Maybe after the new-car-smell wears off she will see that Im a Nissan, not a Lexus. I don't know.
Ah whatever. Im too happy to worry about all of that. I just love her so. Im back on my pink fluffy cloud. Im disgustingly satisfied with the way we are right now.
I would give anything just to make her smile. She is so...everything. I enjoy just listening to her voice so much. You know, sometimes she will say the silliest and most unexpected things. I have to pause and mentally replay whatever she said before I fall out laughing. Other times she is so smart and serious. Then, like the last few days, she is the most retarded and slow person imaginable. I love the reveal. I hope to be learning things about her 4 years from now.
Ok, its time to log out of this thing. A lot of words saying much of nothing. I have to do better. Right now, I don't have any earth shattering, illuminating deep feelings. Im just happy and horny. Light. Its a great feeling. Thank you, Baby. What you do, and don't even KNOW you do, priceless.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Final Thoughts Of A Wicked Day
Mood of the Moment: Hmmmm, Horny! Peaceful? Tired.
We are finally finished with this day. With this mess. We have hopefully turned a corner and are ready to move on. Will we make it? Will we crash and burn? Who knows?
Right now I don't care. I have my baby back for as long as I have her. Thats all that really matters. A few minutes sharing this inexplicable love is worth so much more than an eternity of ignorance to the depths of emotions that she has pulled from my core.
I can bask in the melody of her special laugh that I feel is just for my personal enjoyment...Knowing that she is smiling that dimpled smile even though she doesnt want to...I love knowing that my control freak of a woman has extremely limited control when it comes to me....I love spinning my sexual web and capturing that part of her that is unrelentingly mine. I love it when she mentally says "fuck it" and comes to me with open arms.
I love her.
We are finally finished with this day. With this mess. We have hopefully turned a corner and are ready to move on. Will we make it? Will we crash and burn? Who knows?
Right now I don't care. I have my baby back for as long as I have her. Thats all that really matters. A few minutes sharing this inexplicable love is worth so much more than an eternity of ignorance to the depths of emotions that she has pulled from my core.
I can bask in the melody of her special laugh that I feel is just for my personal enjoyment...Knowing that she is smiling that dimpled smile even though she doesnt want to...I love knowing that my control freak of a woman has extremely limited control when it comes to me....I love spinning my sexual web and capturing that part of her that is unrelentingly mine. I love it when she mentally says "fuck it" and comes to me with open arms.
I love her.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
The Reason For This Blog....
Today's Mood---Duh, Guess
I started this blog today because I have a lot of "stuff" that I want to get off of my chest. I will start out by saying that no names will ever be stated here, just in case...
Y'all, I am 38 years old. I have 2 kids. Ive been engaged 2 times. My life changed when I turned 30. I lost about 45lbs and decided that men are not for me. I had a one nighter with a chick. While it was not all of that, it opened my eyes that I love women and they love me.
Thats the backstory, so lets flash forward to today. I have been in 2 longterm relationships with women. Last year I finally got free and started living the single life. I have dated quite a few girls since then, having a blast. I am so lucky. I usually find good girls who have careers, education, etc. Of course, smarts and $$ does not cure psycho-tivity (yeah I know) but the journey has been fun.
Until just now. I met this girl. Yall, she was so perfect for me. She was cute, sexy, smart. She has the best head on her shoulders. We clicked like we were made for each other. The sensual part of our lives-perfection. There was nothing wrong. Well, except that she was married to this other woman....I know-BAD BAD BAD. But it happened. How do you fight it when you find your other half? We both tried to be "friends' Yuck. I hate the heck out of that word. Friends lasted exactly a hot second. Then we started the emotional freight train that just flattened my soul.
We had the best time phone and cyber freaking each other to death. We connected on so many levels. When we finally consumated this thing, omg. Perfect. We are so totally compatible. But then, when guilt took over, we (me, withmy dumb self) decided to end it and let her see where her relationship was going to go.
I have never cried so many tears in my life. Yall, I feel like someone literally ripped out all of my organs and left me with just a shell. I cannot eat, sleep, or function. Im forgetting simple things like my social security number. I went to my car earlier today and forgot where I was supposed to be going.
When she calls, oh lawd. I try so hard to hide the pain that sears through my soul. I laugh and talk like everything is all good. It is not. Its not even ok. I fell in love for the first time in my entire life. How did this happen? You know, I am always the therapist for my friends when they go through drama. I always assure them that things are going to be fine, that they are better off without the slug (or sluggette). I give them strength. Hell, I even gave it to her when she and her wifey were going through things. Nobody is here for me. Everyone thinks Im so freakin wise and strong when inside, I am a crumbly, destroyed, devastated mess.
I don't know how to handle this. I medicated with tequila and sake all weekend. That did help for a while, but now I have a headache warring with my heartache. I do have a j.o.b. so drinking myself into a stupor is not an option during the week.
I know I was so wrong to let things go this far with a married woman. I have never met anyone who affected me like she does. I feel her across all the miles that separate us. I think she is the most beautiful, sexy, caring person. I know this is hurting her as well. It hurts her to know that I am hurting. That makes me hurt even more. Crazy, huh?
She used to text me every morning around 6:15 cst. She is on the east coast so it was not such an insane time. I loved waking to her ringtone every day. Will she call in the morning? Will it make me cry again? Probably. She doesn't want to let me go. We used to joke about Pavlov. How everytime we heard the others voice we would instantly grin, blush, get wet. Now I get wet in another area. My eyes. I have yet to have a conversation with her, a thought about her, without tears breaking free.
Im a femme girl, yall. But... I am that strange femme who knows how to hold her emotions inside. I truly have some stud tendencies. I never cry. Ive made all of my stud girlfriends cry when I broke up with them for being idiots. We can talk about that another time, when Im not feeling so grim. I never open up my soul to anyone, not since my grandmother died about 13 years ago. Nobody has touched me since then. I am not equipped to handle this type of pain, and I know that what we are doing by ending this glorious relationship is for the best. It is the right thing to do.
What do I do now? It was ok to cry and stay in bed between drunken binges this weekend. How do I function at work? How do I not burst into tears when she calls or texts? I actually ran out of the office bawling on friday. My coworkers know that Im gay. They were all at my desk trying to calm me down when I returned. This is SO not me. Im the rock, the ice queen. Im the one with a lightswitch in my heart that shuts off at any sign of impending danger.
I guess I won't die but it feels like I have already died 10 times. I feel empty, broken, and just gray.
I started this blog today because I have a lot of "stuff" that I want to get off of my chest. I will start out by saying that no names will ever be stated here, just in case...
Y'all, I am 38 years old. I have 2 kids. Ive been engaged 2 times. My life changed when I turned 30. I lost about 45lbs and decided that men are not for me. I had a one nighter with a chick. While it was not all of that, it opened my eyes that I love women and they love me.
Thats the backstory, so lets flash forward to today. I have been in 2 longterm relationships with women. Last year I finally got free and started living the single life. I have dated quite a few girls since then, having a blast. I am so lucky. I usually find good girls who have careers, education, etc. Of course, smarts and $$ does not cure psycho-tivity (yeah I know) but the journey has been fun.
Until just now. I met this girl. Yall, she was so perfect for me. She was cute, sexy, smart. She has the best head on her shoulders. We clicked like we were made for each other. The sensual part of our lives-perfection. There was nothing wrong. Well, except that she was married to this other woman....I know-BAD BAD BAD. But it happened. How do you fight it when you find your other half? We both tried to be "friends' Yuck. I hate the heck out of that word. Friends lasted exactly a hot second. Then we started the emotional freight train that just flattened my soul.
We had the best time phone and cyber freaking each other to death. We connected on so many levels. When we finally consumated this thing, omg. Perfect. We are so totally compatible. But then, when guilt took over, we (me, withmy dumb self) decided to end it and let her see where her relationship was going to go.
I have never cried so many tears in my life. Yall, I feel like someone literally ripped out all of my organs and left me with just a shell. I cannot eat, sleep, or function. Im forgetting simple things like my social security number. I went to my car earlier today and forgot where I was supposed to be going.
When she calls, oh lawd. I try so hard to hide the pain that sears through my soul. I laugh and talk like everything is all good. It is not. Its not even ok. I fell in love for the first time in my entire life. How did this happen? You know, I am always the therapist for my friends when they go through drama. I always assure them that things are going to be fine, that they are better off without the slug (or sluggette). I give them strength. Hell, I even gave it to her when she and her wifey were going through things. Nobody is here for me. Everyone thinks Im so freakin wise and strong when inside, I am a crumbly, destroyed, devastated mess.
I don't know how to handle this. I medicated with tequila and sake all weekend. That did help for a while, but now I have a headache warring with my heartache. I do have a j.o.b. so drinking myself into a stupor is not an option during the week.
I know I was so wrong to let things go this far with a married woman. I have never met anyone who affected me like she does. I feel her across all the miles that separate us. I think she is the most beautiful, sexy, caring person. I know this is hurting her as well. It hurts her to know that I am hurting. That makes me hurt even more. Crazy, huh?
She used to text me every morning around 6:15 cst. She is on the east coast so it was not such an insane time. I loved waking to her ringtone every day. Will she call in the morning? Will it make me cry again? Probably. She doesn't want to let me go. We used to joke about Pavlov. How everytime we heard the others voice we would instantly grin, blush, get wet. Now I get wet in another area. My eyes. I have yet to have a conversation with her, a thought about her, without tears breaking free.
Im a femme girl, yall. But... I am that strange femme who knows how to hold her emotions inside. I truly have some stud tendencies. I never cry. Ive made all of my stud girlfriends cry when I broke up with them for being idiots. We can talk about that another time, when Im not feeling so grim. I never open up my soul to anyone, not since my grandmother died about 13 years ago. Nobody has touched me since then. I am not equipped to handle this type of pain, and I know that what we are doing by ending this glorious relationship is for the best. It is the right thing to do.
What do I do now? It was ok to cry and stay in bed between drunken binges this weekend. How do I function at work? How do I not burst into tears when she calls or texts? I actually ran out of the office bawling on friday. My coworkers know that Im gay. They were all at my desk trying to calm me down when I returned. This is SO not me. Im the rock, the ice queen. Im the one with a lightswitch in my heart that shuts off at any sign of impending danger.
I guess I won't die but it feels like I have already died 10 times. I feel empty, broken, and just gray.
Welcome To My Life
Hello, whoever.
Let me introduce myself. I am a "mature" lesbian who is living single for the first time ever in her life. I have been single for about a year. Since I came into the life, I have gone from one longterm relationship right into another.
This time around, I am being much more carefree. Those of you who are familiar with "lezbo-speak" known what I mean when I say that every girl I meet wants to wife me. Im not having it. Im not saying Im a hoe, but Im not tryin to be a housewife either.
So this blog...hmm. I guess it will have a little about me, my crazy life, the things I do, and the fools...uh I mean women....that I encounter. Im sure I will include stuff from my jobs, my family, whatever.
A little about me-Im kinda thick, sexy, funny. I love to crack jokes. I am a writer, at least in my own mind. The thing is that while my career has me always in the spotlight and meeting tons of people, I am very much isolated. I don't have many people that I would call real friends. So I will come here and open up my soul for whatever strangers happen to stumble into this page.
I hope its not too boring-lolol. If it is, too dayum bad.
Let me introduce myself. I am a "mature" lesbian who is living single for the first time ever in her life. I have been single for about a year. Since I came into the life, I have gone from one longterm relationship right into another.
This time around, I am being much more carefree. Those of you who are familiar with "lezbo-speak" known what I mean when I say that every girl I meet wants to wife me. Im not having it. Im not saying Im a hoe, but Im not tryin to be a housewife either.
So this blog...hmm. I guess it will have a little about me, my crazy life, the things I do, and the fools...uh I mean women....that I encounter. Im sure I will include stuff from my jobs, my family, whatever.
A little about me-Im kinda thick, sexy, funny. I love to crack jokes. I am a writer, at least in my own mind. The thing is that while my career has me always in the spotlight and meeting tons of people, I am very much isolated. I don't have many people that I would call real friends. So I will come here and open up my soul for whatever strangers happen to stumble into this page.
I hope its not too boring-lolol. If it is, too dayum bad.
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