Clipped Wings

Today's Mood: Good, Lazy, Relaxed

Ok, so I know today's title is a little dramatic. Maybe its because Ive sat on my fat azz all day looking at reality shows. And luvin it. Its been a perfectly lazy day. I literally did not do jack, except for cook a meal and run to the grocery store. I didnt get out of my tshirt and boxers. Perfection.

So to recap Sunday. I cleaned up my place, and once again resolved to start looking for a new space. I don't hate this one, I just want an upgrade. One thats not going to cost much more than this one but is a little better. Im not even sure Im staying in Houston, so thats not a major issue right now.

Back to my day-I started cleaning my closets, then decided that is way too much work for right now. I went out for crawfish with my new friend, lets call her "S" for now. We met up at this little place down the street from my apartment. She was a perfect "gentlewoman" lol, opening doors, pulling out my chair. All this from someone who swears that she is not into roles and all that jazz. I just laughed. Oh wait-I forgot. On the way there, a car pulled up beside me blowing the horn all hard. I thought something was wrong, a light out or my gas tank open so I slowed down. These guys were trying to holla at me, and acting all nutty. I politely said no thank you and continued on to my destination.

Why did they follow me to the restaurant? Then he came over to my car and kept trying to talk. I said I was meeting "my woman" (lol the whole time) and I was not interested. He was like "ooooh" and said "well, can I still get your number anyway?" LOL I hate when they do that. So while he is hanging all over my car, "S" drives up. She doesn't know my car so she didnt even look over. I bounced out of the car so fast, telling the guy he was gonna get me beat up. Poor "S" had no clue. lol It was so funny. I know she was wondering why I ran over to her so fast.

We had a nice time talking and laughing. We mainly talk about her recent breakup. I keep telling her that she needs to go slow, and live her emotions. It won't do her or whoever she dates next any good for her to keep squashing them down. She needs to go through the pain, the tears, all of it. She needs to be sure she is ready to start moving on. She does understand that and accepts that she is not ready for a relationship. Thats what makes it cool for us to hang out-no expectations at all.

She knows my heart is preoccupied and she accepts that. I know she has tons of healing to do (and tons of other women that she dates) so we are cool with being friends. I asked myself if she could really be someone special to me. The answer is a loud "Dont know". She is sexy, intelligent, all that, but I can't see her as more right now. Maybe its because she is not showing me all of herself, maybe its because my heart is taken. Who knows? She is great for a few laughs and an occasional meal.

Holidays-I guess if I have to be honest, I should talk about my holiday blues problem. I get so lonely on days like this. Family and friend days. My few close friends are out of town this weekend. I find myself alone, as usual. I don't know why I still get depressed after all of these years. It makes me sad, makes me miss my family. I think this year was a little better because I did just stay in the house to myself. I didnt surround myself with strangers, faking like I welcomed their company. I just did me, and did whatever I wanted to do. I didn't cry this time. I wasn't really blue. It just hurt a little.

I wonder if I will ever feel like part of a family again. I wonder if I am destined to always be alone. I don't fear that, I think Im resigned to it. I heard once that people are allotted a certain amount of luck in their lives and when they use it up, then thats that. Maybe its the same with love. I know I was so loved by my Granny and my family. Maybe that is all Im entitled to. I won't complain. I have been very blessed to have been treated the way I was. If I never feel that blanket of security and warmth again, then its ok.

So thats enough melancholy stuff. Tomorrow Im back in the hellhole called work. I have a job interview tomorrow (if I go) so I need to scheme on an explanation for why Im all dressed up. Maybe I wont dress up since I already met with the guy. I highly doubt he can pay me what Im making now anyway. We shall see.

Til tomorrow....