Click, Clack

Today's Mood: Interested

This was a good day. I got up, worked out...I ate well pretty much all day. No cheating on the diet, but finding good, healthy foods to keep me full. I spent time online with my friends, and actually did some work!

Tomorrow is going to be either a great day or a huge disappointment. I have a chat with the person that I want to offer me a job. If she does not say the right things, its still going to be fine. It will just signal another domino to fall into place. I know in my heart that I need to find a job and make plans to find a place to live. That is my first priority, well after the diet/workout.

One other interesting thing...My friends have all told me that when I free myself of this relationship, my true love will come into my life. What makes it interesting is that Im meeting people who are intriguing. Im meeting people who inspire me to work harder to gain my freedom.

Speaking of freedom, thats what Im getting tattooed on my wrist. I found a great symbol, and Im getting it the week I move into my own place. I feel kinda blue underneath the excitement. My partner makes me feel so unattractive. We have had so many problems, but we agreed to try to work things out. If we are going to try, we BOTH need to try. Its too easy to sit back and just be roomies, but a part of me is afraid that will lead to another blow up. My health can't handle that. At this point, I just need to hang in for about another month or so. Then everything will be fine.

Im too tired to write anything earth-shattering today, so Im going to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow I will have some great things to discuss.

Later!

V

Thoughtful Tuesday

Today's Mood: Duh, thoughful. lol

I am thankful for the new opportunity that has opened up for me with my new job. I sit here and dread every second that ticks off the clock. I forgot how very much I hate working here, but now its crystal clear.

You would think that on my final days, I would feel melancholy. Hellz no. My boss is still an ass. He had the nerve to email me saying I had only called 2 clients all day. WTF? I have been so busy today. I interviewed 3 people, finished up a couple of others. I called a bunch of people today. I even gave advice to another recruiter who wants to quit. I HATE THIS JOB. They never stroke you or compliment you unless you are about to bounce. Thats not good or smart management.

Oh well, I only have to deal with it for a couple of days. I guess I can hang in there that long.

Love life? Hmmmm? Everything is very good with Baby. We are still cruising along on a gentle breeze. Im learning more about her and caring about her more. Not just loving but caring. Its different. I want to hear about her day, what she does. I want to make sure she is ok and that I do whatever I can to make her smile. I care about how things that transpire throught her day affect her life. I want to know more and more.

I think she is feeling the same. I have to keep reassuring her that Im not trying to pull her out of her relationship. Im not. I told her (and the world) a million times that I need for her to sit tight until she is ready to make a move and I am ready to receive her. Now is definitely not the time. I think my kids would drive her even more insane than she is. They are so ghetto-lol.

So I guess when it comes to talk of lovin her, Im doing that. Its good. Nuff said.

The other chick "S"??? Gotta go. She is a fruitcake. That goes to show that everything that looks good to ya aint good for ya. I thought she was a sweetheart but she is OFF. She is still pissed-lol. Yet, the idiot does not realize that we only went on 2 (count em) 2 dates and talked on the phone about maybe 2 weeks. I barely know her. I still have to think hard to remember her last name. Whatever. Im cuttin her all the way loose. I thought she would get it when I stopped calling but apparently Im going to have to have a conversation. I hate conversations. I wonder why so many black lesbians are off their rockers?

Im not stressing today. I have faith that everything is going to be great. Im excited about receiving my travel arrangements to San Fran Pride. Yay! Olivia put me up in a beautiful hotel. I told them Motel 6 woudl be aight cause Im not going to be in there very much anyway. I have my flight booked. Now I just have to get the money together for the vendor space.

So thats about it for today. Im going to be outta here in about 2 hours or so. Cant wait. Im going to bed early tonight. I have to be here in hell early, but I definitely need some time with my Baby. I have to think of something special to do for her. She needs a treat to reward her for making me so happy.

Til tomorrow....

Monday Funday

Today's Mood: Silly and Stressed

Ok, today I think I am about 15 years old. I have been in the very best mood all day. Im joking with my coworkers. Teasing my Baby. Im smiling and just happy.

Maybe its because the day started off so well. I laugh now because the phone scared me to death when she sent my first text. I had risen in the night and put the phone on my pillow like a lovesick idiot. When her ringtone sounded, my azz almost fell out of the bed. LOL.

We started off warm and ended up blazing hot, as we often do. Its our special chemistry that allows such passion while we are so far apart.

The day meandered into a silly, fun day. I joked with her off and on, teased my coworkers. Discovered even more ghetto reasons why I have to leave this job. Everyone is griping and moaning, its not even that major. I am outta here, they can stick around if they want to.

I was stressing a little because I have so many things to pay this week. I hate bills. Ugh. But luckily it will all be fine, we will just have to eat oodles of noodles for the next little bit. The only thing that is stressing me is starting this new job. I am doing ok financially but the way the salary is set up is going to be a trial for the first month. I have the week without a check. Then we get paid every week. Im used to getting a nice lumpy check biweekly. Also, since the base is a lot lower than what I make now, they are paying me the difference in a monthy "bonus" check. So I have a smaller amount coming in for 3 weeks and then one fat check at the end of the month. I don't know how that is going to affect my tightly controlled bill-rotation. I keep everything in order, and now I have to reevaluate and shuffle some things. Yikes.

I wont even talk about having to upgrade my wardrobe. Thats the hardest part. Im between plus sizes and regular. That in itself is a mess. Now I have to buy suits and dressy clothes. I hate shopping and I really don't need to spend the extra cash. Im going to have to suck it up and go for it.

Ah-money is no biggie. It comes and goes. Overall, Im so happy and excited. Everything is going so well with me, all is right with the world. Im making new friends, learning more about my old ones. My kids are wildin out, but I guess thats part of being a teenager.

I need to find advice on how to handle sexually active boys. I try to give them advice. I try to talk to them about respecting females. About condoms and std's. I try to talk to them about being safe and careful. Who knows what sticks and what doesnt. I guess I can just blindly wish for them to make it through the fire unscathed. I am guiding them as much as I can, but they are becoming men. Ugh. I dont even want to think about it.

Im ready to go to sleep right now. It will make my phone ring faster.

Wanting Wanted Wednesday

Today's Mood: Loved, wanted, desired

Today has been a good day. It started out with my so-distracted Baby texting me. Her mind was in a million places today so our talking was sporadic. I enjoyed her nonetheless. Any time we have to share is wonderful.

I made it in to work almost on time. Found out that I did get the new job (yay). I gave my notice to my boss but he wouldnt accept it. He said I would get at least $5000/yr raise....hootie hooo big deal. Thats about an additional $100 week. So not acceptable when you think about the fact that we only get one raise a year. So not acceptable when my coworkers still make more than me and I do as much or more than them. In fact all of their numbers are in a decline but mine are in an increase. Oh well. I wouldnt stay for anything. I hate that job.

I need to get my sophistication back. Working there has made me get so ghetto. My vocabulary is slipping. I am not mentally challenged at all. My only concerns are the fact that they may ask me to leave without working my notice and its up to them if they want to pay out my notice or just tell me to get-to-steppin. Also I now have to get some new clothes. I need suits and dressier things. No more capris and lazy clothes. Im excited though, and its a great opportunity.

What else is new? I feel so consumed by my baby's love. I wrote something for her tonight that gave me shivers while I was writing it. Loving her is making me so open. I am more everything. More creative, more loving, more passionate, more patient. I can't wait for her to read it in the morning. She is going to die. I literally almost had an orgasm envisioning the scenes that I wrote about.

I think she is so good for me. Im forever telling her how she makes my life better. What she does for me. I want to know what I bring to her. How do I make her happy, how do I enrich her life. I know how I confuse her-lol. I definitely know how to infuriate her. I want to know what draws her to me from her perspective.

I wonder what kind of woman I am sometimes. I am so many people wrapped up in one. I am so crazy. Im almost 40 but I still play like a kid. I love to play tricks, tell jokes. I love to make people laugh. I am also a fighter. I hardly ever get mad about transgressions against myself but if you mess with one of mine or someone weaker, its ON. I am strong but so fragile at the same time. I think in my life, most people get focused on my strength that they don't see the ultra sensitive side of me. Im passionate, outgoing but still shy on the inside. Im vivacious in public but so content to have quiet time alone. Most time I prefer to chill alone or with a mate. Im driven but not competitive or money motivated. I guess Im a weirdo. A conundrum.

I dont have anything deep to talk about tonight. I am feeling loved and wanted. Its so beautiful. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can harm me. She makes me feel so wonderful. Im happy with life.

Tomorrow I will try to find something to be insightful about....


I am done with self reflection for the YEAR. LOL I traumatized myself yesterday and Im not going there today.

Mmmm Monday

Today's Mood: Blissful

I hate missing days from here. This is a place where I find peace and clarity. Fortunately this weekend provided me with all of that and much, much more.

My Baby was here this weekend, and we spent so much time in each other's presence. She came in on Thursday, and didn't leave until Sunday evening. So of course you can see why writing in this blog was the last thing on my mind.

Where do I start? Maybe I should start with how I felt on Thursday as I waited for her to get here. I was a myriad of volatile emotions. Almost every feeling was tossed in the mix. I was excited to see her again after being apart for so long. I was nervous because I didnt know how we would react to each other after all the drama we have been through. I was...scared..that my reality would not measure up to her expectations. That maybe our first time together was a fluke.

Needless to say, my fears were groundless. We had the most beautiful time. I guess almost every emotion did come to the surface after all. I love her so much. Thats really all I can think about. As soon as I saw her, all doubts went out the window.

We had so much fun just being together. We did a WNBA game, which sucked cause we lost. We ate out at my fave place. I almost cried when I smelled the leftovers. I remember the way she looked at me across the table. Her feelings truly shine from her beautiful eyes. I think I needed to see her to know just how deeply she is into this.

I don't want to elaborate on the sexual part. It was spiritual to me. Im going to keep that part in my secret internal place, for only our memories to share. I will say that I went to places that Ive never been. I love her scent. I love her taste. I am enraptured by her moans. I was near tears so many times because even when we were going at it like wild things, it was an incredible merging of spirits and bodies. Physically we are perfect together but now that our emotions are more in harmony-it was unbelievable.

I feel like we are better everything after this visit. Definitely better lovers and most importantly better friends. What we have is like a little tender green shoot, just breaking through the surface and reaching for sunlight. We have to be so careful to keep it nurtured and not to give it toooo much light causing it to wither and burn.

I digress......

When she left me on Sunday, I was a mess. A total wreck. I was so miserable that I ended up laughing at my own self. It was hilarious, I was acting like the world was ending. This girl is the only person who has caused me to get in the bed, in the fetal position (lol), and act all super dramatic. Living the emotions is unusual to me. I can almost always shut down and just act like "its all good". Not with her. She demands that I give her all of me, honestly and completely. I guess by opening up it makes it so much harder to close the gates on my feelings when I want to. I finally got it together and went out with some friends to an L-Word viewing party. Thats about when my mind drifted from the loving, sweet thoughts to the hot sexual memories of the weekend. Now Im ready for more.

Thats enough of that for now. Today I have a final interview with this company that I like. I will write in tomorrow to report if I get out of this jail or not.

Kiss This Clown

Today's Mood: Silly, Excited, Wild

This has been a very good and fun day. I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve. My Baby will be here tomorrow. I cannot wait to see her. Today, she woke me up so early with her text-it was early even for her. I know she is getting excited as well. She wants to know everything I have planned and this sista aint tellin. She will have to suffer until we have time together.

Work.....You would think work sux but I guess Im too happy to give a rip. My first phone call was an irate person. So what!? I sent her flowers and rainbows mentally and wished her a happy azz day. lol. I had some good clients and some scrounges. Got in a fight with a student who was trying to eat the bribe...I mean pizza that our boss bought our department to keep morale up. Dayum scavengers. They act like they never had a hot meal in life.

I heard from the job interview. They are moving on to the next phase. I guess Im cool with it. Hopefully I will be in the best position after I give my notice. If they offer to up my salary where it should be, considering that Im the #11 recruiter in the entire company....Then I may stay and try to hold out. Who knows.

We had a meeting today and they asked us veterans to mentor the new people. They laughingly said my person was not going to be here long enough for me to mentor. They just dont know...LOL. Im outta here as soon as possible. Sooner, if possible.

Soooo what else? Hmmmmm.....I am in the best place today. Uh oh. Wait. Drama alert. This gay guy in the next cube is telling my coworker that he is straight now, and holy. Ok, good for you. The dude is flaming. I think its only going to last until he meets somebody because last week he was over here crying because he is lonely.

My world is a circus. I have so many things spinning, flying, bouncing around. Im so excited about the upcoming visit. Im nervous about the preparations that need to be made. Im scared of this job opportunity. If I take it I will have to work, and try, and learn. Right now I can sit on my butt, barely make an effort and succeed anyway. Am I up to the task? Im concerned about my new friend "S". She is going through so much. I can only pray for her.

I guess today's post is all over the place, just like my mind. I have plans to make. I have to dust my nasty ceiling fan. Oh man, she better not go in my walkin closet or she may never be found. Im going to leave now, and stress in peace and quiet. Pray that I dont have a nervous breakdown.

Clipped Wings

Today's Mood: Good, Lazy, Relaxed

Ok, so I know today's title is a little dramatic. Maybe its because Ive sat on my fat azz all day looking at reality shows. And luvin it. Its been a perfectly lazy day. I literally did not do jack, except for cook a meal and run to the grocery store. I didnt get out of my tshirt and boxers. Perfection.

So to recap Sunday. I cleaned up my place, and once again resolved to start looking for a new space. I don't hate this one, I just want an upgrade. One thats not going to cost much more than this one but is a little better. Im not even sure Im staying in Houston, so thats not a major issue right now.

Back to my day-I started cleaning my closets, then decided that is way too much work for right now. I went out for crawfish with my new friend, lets call her "S" for now. We met up at this little place down the street from my apartment. She was a perfect "gentlewoman" lol, opening doors, pulling out my chair. All this from someone who swears that she is not into roles and all that jazz. I just laughed. Oh wait-I forgot. On the way there, a car pulled up beside me blowing the horn all hard. I thought something was wrong, a light out or my gas tank open so I slowed down. These guys were trying to holla at me, and acting all nutty. I politely said no thank you and continued on to my destination.

Why did they follow me to the restaurant? Then he came over to my car and kept trying to talk. I said I was meeting "my woman" (lol the whole time) and I was not interested. He was like "ooooh" and said "well, can I still get your number anyway?" LOL I hate when they do that. So while he is hanging all over my car, "S" drives up. She doesn't know my car so she didnt even look over. I bounced out of the car so fast, telling the guy he was gonna get me beat up. Poor "S" had no clue. lol It was so funny. I know she was wondering why I ran over to her so fast.

We had a nice time talking and laughing. We mainly talk about her recent breakup. I keep telling her that she needs to go slow, and live her emotions. It won't do her or whoever she dates next any good for her to keep squashing them down. She needs to go through the pain, the tears, all of it. She needs to be sure she is ready to start moving on. She does understand that and accepts that she is not ready for a relationship. Thats what makes it cool for us to hang out-no expectations at all.

She knows my heart is preoccupied and she accepts that. I know she has tons of healing to do (and tons of other women that she dates) so we are cool with being friends. I asked myself if she could really be someone special to me. The answer is a loud "Dont know". She is sexy, intelligent, all that, but I can't see her as more right now. Maybe its because she is not showing me all of herself, maybe its because my heart is taken. Who knows? She is great for a few laughs and an occasional meal.

Holidays-I guess if I have to be honest, I should talk about my holiday blues problem. I get so lonely on days like this. Family and friend days. My few close friends are out of town this weekend. I find myself alone, as usual. I don't know why I still get depressed after all of these years. It makes me sad, makes me miss my family. I think this year was a little better because I did just stay in the house to myself. I didnt surround myself with strangers, faking like I welcomed their company. I just did me, and did whatever I wanted to do. I didn't cry this time. I wasn't really blue. It just hurt a little.

I wonder if I will ever feel like part of a family again. I wonder if I am destined to always be alone. I don't fear that, I think Im resigned to it. I heard once that people are allotted a certain amount of luck in their lives and when they use it up, then thats that. Maybe its the same with love. I know I was so loved by my Granny and my family. Maybe that is all Im entitled to. I won't complain. I have been very blessed to have been treated the way I was. If I never feel that blanket of security and warmth again, then its ok.

So thats enough melancholy stuff. Tomorrow Im back in the hellhole called work. I have a job interview tomorrow (if I go) so I need to scheme on an explanation for why Im all dressed up. Maybe I wont dress up since I already met with the guy. I highly doubt he can pay me what Im making now anyway. We shall see.

Til tomorrow....

Harmony and Hedonism

Today's Mood: Totally, Unequivocally, Outrageously Horny

Wow. What a difference a day makes. We started out on fire. I was blazing from the moment I heard her ringtone. I guess our little conversation last night ignited something in both of us.

We have the most amazing non-physical physical connection. When we come (cum) together on the phone, its mindblowing. I have had better phone sex with her than actual sex with other people. Normally that would be a sad statement but I have had some pretty great sex in my time. The way we mentally stimulate each other is just unbelievable. Our sounds....I swear I can feel her when we play. I can smell her scent. I....

Im not going to talk about all of that. Amazing phone sex, sexy whimpers, yadda yadda. Yes its very different and its wonderful but thats not what is on my mind right at this moment.

My girl is amazing in so many other ways. I have never felt so special. She is a million miles away but I feel like she is right here. I wake up with her almost every morning. She kisses me goodnight every night. I love it.

But you know, I dont really want to talk about how close we are either.

Hmmm, what is on my heart today? Honestly, Im so aroused and tired...I feel like I have had sex all day. Really I have. Its so cool when two creative and imaginative people come together. We can play head games infinitely. And we do.

I would love to creep inside her mind and find out the things she thinks but does not say. While she is so very verbal...(more on that later...) I know there are a lot of things she keeps inside. She mentioned my layers. I know Im hard to really get to know. She is easier than me but I want to keep going deeper and deeper.

I also want to make her happier than she ever has been. Every now and then I hear a little wistfulness. I want to take that from her tone permanently. I want to erase anything that makes her dimple go away, even for a split second. She often says I want to ease her away from her wife and I don't. What I do want? I want....everything she gives me. She makes me feel so many things and Im hooked. I don't want her to leave her wife. The reason is simple and stupid. If she had to end her relationship, it would devastate her and cause so much pain. I don't want her to hurt.

As long as we do this, she has the best of both worlds. I know I bring everything she wants from her wife. She doesn't realize that she gives me the things that I always wanted. So I really, truly want things the way they are. In my heart of hearts, I guess I can admit that I feel a little scared. I don't know if I am ENOUGH for her. I mean, maybe I won't measure up to her wife. I would hate for her to leap over here and be disappointed by my reality. Maybe Im just good for the good times and not capable of maintaining a real relationship with someone like her. Maybe after the new-car-smell wears off she will see that Im a Nissan, not a Lexus. I don't know.

Ah whatever. Im too happy to worry about all of that. I just love her so. Im back on my pink fluffy cloud. Im disgustingly satisfied with the way we are right now.

I would give anything just to make her smile. She is so...everything. I enjoy just listening to her voice so much. You know, sometimes she will say the silliest and most unexpected things. I have to pause and mentally replay whatever she said before I fall out laughing. Other times she is so smart and serious. Then, like the last few days, she is the most retarded and slow person imaginable. I love the reveal. I hope to be learning things about her 4 years from now.

Ok, its time to log out of this thing. A lot of words saying much of nothing. I have to do better. Right now, I don't have any earth shattering, illuminating deep feelings. Im just happy and horny. Light. Its a great feeling. Thank you, Baby. What you do, and don't even KNOW you do, priceless.