The Reason For This Blog....

Today's Mood---Duh, Guess

I started this blog today because I have a lot of "stuff" that I want to get off of my chest. I will start out by saying that no names will ever be stated here, just in case...

Y'all, I am 38 years old. I have 2 kids. Ive been engaged 2 times. My life changed when I turned 30. I lost about 45lbs and decided that men are not for me. I had a one nighter with a chick. While it was not all of that, it opened my eyes that I love women and they love me.

Thats the backstory, so lets flash forward to today. I have been in 2 longterm relationships with women. Last year I finally got free and started living the single life. I have dated quite a few girls since then, having a blast. I am so lucky. I usually find good girls who have careers, education, etc. Of course, smarts and $$ does not cure psycho-tivity (yeah I know) but the journey has been fun.

Until just now. I met this girl. Yall, she was so perfect for me. She was cute, sexy, smart. She has the best head on her shoulders. We clicked like we were made for each other. The sensual part of our lives-perfection. There was nothing wrong. Well, except that she was married to this other woman....I know-BAD BAD BAD. But it happened. How do you fight it when you find your other half? We both tried to be "friends' Yuck. I hate the heck out of that word. Friends lasted exactly a hot second. Then we started the emotional freight train that just flattened my soul.

We had the best time phone and cyber freaking each other to death. We connected on so many levels. When we finally consumated this thing, omg. Perfect. We are so totally compatible. But then, when guilt took over, we (me, withmy dumb self) decided to end it and let her see where her relationship was going to go.

I have never cried so many tears in my life. Yall, I feel like someone literally ripped out all of my organs and left me with just a shell. I cannot eat, sleep, or function. Im forgetting simple things like my social security number. I went to my car earlier today and forgot where I was supposed to be going.

When she calls, oh lawd. I try so hard to hide the pain that sears through my soul. I laugh and talk like everything is all good. It is not. Its not even ok. I fell in love for the first time in my entire life. How did this happen? You know, I am always the therapist for my friends when they go through drama. I always assure them that things are going to be fine, that they are better off without the slug (or sluggette). I give them strength. Hell, I even gave it to her when she and her wifey were going through things. Nobody is here for me. Everyone thinks Im so freakin wise and strong when inside, I am a crumbly, destroyed, devastated mess.

I don't know how to handle this. I medicated with tequila and sake all weekend. That did help for a while, but now I have a headache warring with my heartache. I do have a j.o.b. so drinking myself into a stupor is not an option during the week.

I know I was so wrong to let things go this far with a married woman. I have never met anyone who affected me like she does. I feel her across all the miles that separate us. I think she is the most beautiful, sexy, caring person. I know this is hurting her as well. It hurts her to know that I am hurting. That makes me hurt even more. Crazy, huh?

She used to text me every morning around 6:15 cst. She is on the east coast so it was not such an insane time. I loved waking to her ringtone every day. Will she call in the morning? Will it make me cry again? Probably. She doesn't want to let me go. We used to joke about Pavlov. How everytime we heard the others voice we would instantly grin, blush, get wet. Now I get wet in another area. My eyes. I have yet to have a conversation with her, a thought about her, without tears breaking free.

Im a femme girl, yall. But... I am that strange femme who knows how to hold her emotions inside. I truly have some stud tendencies. I never cry. Ive made all of my stud girlfriends cry when I broke up with them for being idiots. We can talk about that another time, when Im not feeling so grim. I never open up my soul to anyone, not since my grandmother died about 13 years ago. Nobody has touched me since then. I am not equipped to handle this type of pain, and I know that what we are doing by ending this glorious relationship is for the best. It is the right thing to do.

What do I do now? It was ok to cry and stay in bed between drunken binges this weekend. How do I function at work? How do I not burst into tears when she calls or texts? I actually ran out of the office bawling on friday. My coworkers know that Im gay. They were all at my desk trying to calm me down when I returned. This is SO not me. Im the rock, the ice queen. Im the one with a lightswitch in my heart that shuts off at any sign of impending danger.

I guess I won't die but it feels like I have already died 10 times. I feel empty, broken, and just gray.