Grief

Today's Mood is currently blue.

Grief is what Im feeling right now. I talked to "her". We are not going to be able to deal with each other as friends. We keep deluding ourselvs into thinking that we can go back to that place.

I love her. I hate the way this is going down. I get so angry because in my heart I want her to be with me. Im not that person, though. I can't and won't tell her to come to me, not ever again will I even try to entice her.

We were talking about the fact that I will never let anyone into my soul again. And I won't. That is a fact. She accused me of being lazy. Of settling for contentment when I can simply take a chance on being happy. Happier than I was with her, given her situation. That really made me angry. She is the one settling for content. She knows in her heart that what we had was beyond imagination. We were so perfect in every way. She is content in her relationship, but not HAPPY. She is happy with their friendship and companionship. She is happy enough (her words) not to be ready to make any moves. But yet Im wrong for not ever wanting to feel this grief again? Im wrong for letting content be my goal?

I keep telling myself that I will not cry over her again. But Im crying now. Great, right before I have to go to work. Its not a pretty soft cry either. Its a boo-hoo heartbreaking sort of meltdown cry. I wish someone would tell me how to get rid of these feelings.

Im angry because this is so much easier for her. She can see herself without me but I can't see my life without her in it. Im hurting so much right now and she seems to be dealing with the death of our love so much better. I can barely breathe. I am usually so detached but not for anything can I pull myself out of this tailspin. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I love her. Its amazing to me. Im this old and have finally fallen in love with someone with my entire being. My dumb azz heart has to beat in rhythm with someone who is not free to be with me.