No Mo' Blues

Today's Mood: Chillin



Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. I woke up to her ringtone and even though we are kinda pulling back a little, I realize that I still get that little jolt when she texts me.



Im not feeling so well physically. The thing is, Im not going to think about it. My back is sore, near my kidney. Yes its a little scary but I don't have any serious health issues in my past. Not relating to kidneys anyway. I have a horrible sore throat and a slight fever. BUT I am not going to let it bring me down. I know that I can think whatever this bug is away.


What I have to do is stay focused on other things, and thats what Im working on. I can forget about being sick if my mind is occupied.

Soooo I guess I can think about relationships and stuff. Hmmmm, what do I need to get off of my chest today? I feel like my walls are up, and I don't know why. When we went through all of that drama a few days ago, I couldn't throw up a wall to save my life. To save my sanity. Now, they just pop up for no good reason.

Its a struggle to write honestly and openly because I know she is (you are) reading this blog from time to time. Its cards on the table, thats why I started it. So here goes.

I guess its so easy to be free and bask in the love that we share when things are not working with her and her wife. Its harder when things are good. At least for me. I start to don my armor because I feel that at any minute things can be cut off. I have to protect myself from the possibility of that occurrence.

There is also a level of guilt when the wife is doing everything she can to work it out. I mean, if she was being a lazy azz (as she was in my opinion.....) then its not so difficult to push her aside and enjoy what we have. But now that she is obviously trying....and succeeding in fulfilling my girl's wishes-then what the hell am I doing? If their home is happy, then I need to ease out of the door. Let them be happy together and stop being a distraction.

Yeah yeah, heard it all before. Been there, done that. yadda yadda. Truth of course is that Im not ready to release her. I love her. But, the wonderful, horrible walls that pop up-man....I hate the way they make my heart feel. They are there for protection, true. But they are like the strongest anesthetic. I feel very little of anything when they kick into gear. I don't know if now that she is on the right track with her partner she will be willing to do the work required to break through them again. Should she even try?

In the past, when the walls came up my lovers would try to get them to recede. Trouble was, I didnt are at all by that point so there was no need for the effort. Now I do care. Probably too much. So the walls are more dense than ever. I take a lot of work and Im just not positive that she needs to put forth that much effort to open me up again. She needs to focus her energy on her blooming relationship with her wife.

Ok Im boring myself with all of this stuff. Should I touch base on the new person? She is trying hard to work her way in. She is calling me a million times, texting me from her jobb throughout the day. Its cute but there is no sizzle. I can't even work up enough vavoom to play with her. She gave me a very nice cd to listen to, but all of the songs remind me of my heart.

I know what I want.