Part Two of Tuesday

Mood of the Moment: Pissy and Irritable.

Ok I am so glad that there is hardly anyone reading this blog. I am as sick of talking about this bullshyt drama as I am sure anyone would be of listening to it.

Today started out ok. There was a little tension, but overall we had agreed to just enjoy each other. Apparently thats not going to work. It seems that loving me and her partner is just way too much work and effort. Instead of me being the positive flavor that seasons her life, I guess Im just another stressor.

I did not sign up for that, for real. If I cant bring laughter and joy, with a little sexuality-why do it? I want to be a light, not a weight. Its so easy for us to just love each other, but all of this stuff we are going through is going to drown our feelings. I already feel like Im creeping towards my safe place. I am not quite ready to run away, but Im ok with sitting in my chair and watching her do this tango that she insists on doing. It does not have to be so complicated.

Maybe my side of the problem is more simple. I dont have anyone to worry about except myself and her. I understand that she has to worry about all 3 of us. I guess if I was to give her advice, I would ask why does she need all 3? Whats missing?

I feel in my heart that its definitely time to step back and just protect myself. I see a razor-sharp ending flying towards me. We just went through something that caused an unbearable pain unlike any Ive ever known. While Im still numb and healing, I think its best if I cut myself off from the emotional flood we share. Its much easier to stay numb right now. Im not crying, I dont even want to cry.

If anything I got a bit angry with her. We mutually agreed that its harder to be apart than to be together. Then after I finally open up my heart (again) and decide that taking a chance on not being hurt again is worth it for her.....When I trust her to be gentle with me knowing how fragile my heart is....She pulls all of this questioning stuff all over again.

I guess here on MY blog, I can be as open as I want to be. I have to say that I think this whole thing is unnecessary. It is. Im not the most open person in the world, and I let her in. I am ultimately PISSED that she is so lost in feeling confused and guilty that she is not seeing how much I am giving to her. She does not realize the total value of what she has with me. Not that Im all that. Its just that, to me, the gift of myself is something I never shared with anyone.

I know she appreciates how much we share, but dang. I am giving her something that is to me worth more than gold. Its a reflection of how much I really care.

Anyway, like I said. Im over all of this mess. Either she is going to love me like I need to be loved, like she KNOWS how to love me; or she is going to flipflop around until all she has left is her girlfriend. She revealed today (and you know, Im not even sure she realized that she let this slip) that she has dibbled before. She just never fell for any other girl before me. That should tell her that she is not where she needs to be. She has been stepping outside the relationship for a minute. If all was so perfect at home, there would be no other distraction.

Wow, I am really pissed-lol. I guess I have stepford-wife tendencies and I block out any negative aspects of my personality. I try to always be the giver, comforter, nurturer. I take things in stride, even when Im hurt or angry I try to make sure the hurter/angerer is ok, while I smother my real feelings.

Well, not today. My azz is pissed. I think this is so insane. I want to say "Dude, love me or let me go" and be done with it. This waffling and trippin has got to go. Im supposed to sit on how I feel, hold back my feelings until she can cope with hers. What about me? One of the things that made me fall for her was the fact that she always treated me like I was the most important person to her. Now she is treating my feelings like they are inconsequential. I don't need to feel like that. We never had problems like this.

I think she is partially trying to push me away, and its working. If she makes me walk away, maybe she wont feel like she hurt me. Maybe she wont feel guilty. I don't know.

I dont want to think anything negative about my friend. We have an unbelievable bond, chemistry, romance, all of that bullcrap. The only thing is that we have this big hurdle to get past and she is not trying to make it work.

Ok, Im not going to think about it anymore. I want to punch something or someone. Life is not fair. I feel like I have been through enough already without all of this drama. I don't need it or want it. I have lived through enough pain already. Something has to give.