I have to take a little break. I have a lot of things going on that will take up my time. Wait, no, I vowed to be honest.
The truth is that Im even getting tired of reading about my drama. Im tired of sharing my innermost, most intimate self. It matters not what I say or do, people will still form their perception of me and of my actions based on their own realities.
I will say that opening up myself is so hard for me. Letting people know how soft I am, how vulnerable...Putting myself out there so that they can see how much I care....It just doesn't work for me, I guess. They still see my outer strength and translate that into something that makes it easy to handle me in a less than gentle way. They forget that I lead with my heart outstretched, that my feelings are tender, and easily bruised. They forget that I dont often get angry, I get hurt. My openess, my honesty-it all morphs into something else when its processed.
Im tired. Who gives a dayum anyway. At the end of the day, my feelings are inconsequential and don't really affect anyone else.
Bye.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Tired and Trifling Thursday
Today's Mood: IRRITATED
This has been the longest day in history. I am in a horrible mood. There is no major reason for it. I had great news from Olivia Cruises today. They are going to use me more fully to promote in the African American Lesbian community. I am going several places and gaining tons of new skills. I really look forward to seeing whats around the corner with that.
The other side, love life.....Im not even talking about that. Im not happy with her today. I know, yesterday I was loving her more than sushi. Today, I still love her but I am so...LIVID because she...well she hurt my feelings by being a typical tomboyish female. They do not think about feelings or stuff like that until its too late and they are in the dog house. What makes it worse is I know she is not even worried about it right now. She is totally focused on what she is doing. So Im sitting here pissed and she could give less than a dayum. At least thats what I think. Who knows? I won't know because she cannot find a way to spend 1 minute with me until sometime next month.
What really hurt is when she was outlining her day, explaining why she couldnt spend a half a second just to text me, and she said she had to talk to her girlfriend....Ok I know its borderline irrational to let that bother me. I know her relationship. I encourage it. BUT she has never, ever made me feel so....inconsequential before. Just like she feels she has to talk to the wife, she should feel like she has to talk to me.
Anyway, Im not happy. I feel that she was insensitive. I know she is busy and I sent her all these loving notes letting her know that I was thinking of her. Wanting to make sure she had a smile and a mental hug because I just KNEW she was missing me as much as I was missing her. Um uh-uh. I didnt even rate a text until I sent her one first. Mid afternoon.
Now I feel like an idiot. Not good.
This has been the longest day in history. I am in a horrible mood. There is no major reason for it. I had great news from Olivia Cruises today. They are going to use me more fully to promote in the African American Lesbian community. I am going several places and gaining tons of new skills. I really look forward to seeing whats around the corner with that.
The other side, love life.....Im not even talking about that. Im not happy with her today. I know, yesterday I was loving her more than sushi. Today, I still love her but I am so...LIVID because she...well she hurt my feelings by being a typical tomboyish female. They do not think about feelings or stuff like that until its too late and they are in the dog house. What makes it worse is I know she is not even worried about it right now. She is totally focused on what she is doing. So Im sitting here pissed and she could give less than a dayum. At least thats what I think. Who knows? I won't know because she cannot find a way to spend 1 minute with me until sometime next month.
What really hurt is when she was outlining her day, explaining why she couldnt spend a half a second just to text me, and she said she had to talk to her girlfriend....Ok I know its borderline irrational to let that bother me. I know her relationship. I encourage it. BUT she has never, ever made me feel so....inconsequential before. Just like she feels she has to talk to the wife, she should feel like she has to talk to me.
Anyway, Im not happy. I feel that she was insensitive. I know she is busy and I sent her all these loving notes letting her know that I was thinking of her. Wanting to make sure she had a smile and a mental hug because I just KNEW she was missing me as much as I was missing her. Um uh-uh. I didnt even rate a text until I sent her one first. Mid afternoon.
Now I feel like an idiot. Not good.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Wack Wednesday
Today's Mood: Hangin....
I am SOOOO BORED. Im not only bored with work but bored at home too. Im doing very little here in my last few days at work. I have nothing to do. There is no need for me to build a rapport with any new students so Im farming out new leads to my coworkers.
I have spent the last hour working on Olivia stuff. The more I work on it, the more frustrated I get. Dealing with black women is a pain in the azz. I am so sick of the crab in a barrel mentality. Why cant we work together to make things happen?
I am suffering from too much coffee. Im so high right now and I cannot sit still. They shouldnt keep it so friggin cold 'up in hurr' lol.
Love talk? Well my Baby continues to bring me joy. Yesterday she told me she had a full day with her job and her wife, so I wouldnt hear from her until late today. I pouted and resigned myself to flying solo for the majority of the day. I even set my alarm clock to wake me, something I havent done in months because she always starts my day off with a smile.
This morning, I was laying there (pouting still) and she texted me! I was so surprised and happy. She also spent a lot of time with me today, unexpectedly. I have always begged and pleaded for my partners/lovers to LISTEN to me. I do not ask for a lot. I am so appreciative of the little things. She does that so well. She hears what I say and what I dont say. Amazing.
Im enjoying getting to know her. I think that her situation is actually making things go more smoothly between us. In my experience, when you do the long distance thing, or even the new dating thing, you get all caught up so fast. In our community that is the running joke. What do lesbians bring to the 2nd date? A U-Haul. whatever. But knowing that she is in a relationship makes us keep things in some miniscule perspective. I mean, we are out of control but we do pump the brakes when things get to be too, too much.
Instead of causing problems, it is allowing us to get to know each other slowly. To learn the other's good, bad, and ugly. We have to move slowly, and not get caught up in the newness.
So today, Im loving her more than yesterday. How is that possible?
I am SOOOO BORED. Im not only bored with work but bored at home too. Im doing very little here in my last few days at work. I have nothing to do. There is no need for me to build a rapport with any new students so Im farming out new leads to my coworkers.
I have spent the last hour working on Olivia stuff. The more I work on it, the more frustrated I get. Dealing with black women is a pain in the azz. I am so sick of the crab in a barrel mentality. Why cant we work together to make things happen?
I am suffering from too much coffee. Im so high right now and I cannot sit still. They shouldnt keep it so friggin cold 'up in hurr' lol.
Love talk? Well my Baby continues to bring me joy. Yesterday she told me she had a full day with her job and her wife, so I wouldnt hear from her until late today. I pouted and resigned myself to flying solo for the majority of the day. I even set my alarm clock to wake me, something I havent done in months because she always starts my day off with a smile.
This morning, I was laying there (pouting still) and she texted me! I was so surprised and happy. She also spent a lot of time with me today, unexpectedly. I have always begged and pleaded for my partners/lovers to LISTEN to me. I do not ask for a lot. I am so appreciative of the little things. She does that so well. She hears what I say and what I dont say. Amazing.
Im enjoying getting to know her. I think that her situation is actually making things go more smoothly between us. In my experience, when you do the long distance thing, or even the new dating thing, you get all caught up so fast. In our community that is the running joke. What do lesbians bring to the 2nd date? A U-Haul. whatever. But knowing that she is in a relationship makes us keep things in some miniscule perspective. I mean, we are out of control but we do pump the brakes when things get to be too, too much.
Instead of causing problems, it is allowing us to get to know each other slowly. To learn the other's good, bad, and ugly. We have to move slowly, and not get caught up in the newness.
So today, Im loving her more than yesterday. How is that possible?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Thoughtful Tuesday
Today's Mood: Duh, thoughful. lol
I am thankful for the new opportunity that has opened up for me with my new job. I sit here and dread every second that ticks off the clock. I forgot how very much I hate working here, but now its crystal clear.
You would think that on my final days, I would feel melancholy. Hellz no. My boss is still an ass. He had the nerve to email me saying I had only called 2 clients all day. WTF? I have been so busy today. I interviewed 3 people, finished up a couple of others. I called a bunch of people today. I even gave advice to another recruiter who wants to quit. I HATE THIS JOB. They never stroke you or compliment you unless you are about to bounce. Thats not good or smart management.
Oh well, I only have to deal with it for a couple of days. I guess I can hang in there that long.
Love life? Hmmmm? Everything is very good with Baby. We are still cruising along on a gentle breeze. Im learning more about her and caring about her more. Not just loving but caring. Its different. I want to hear about her day, what she does. I want to make sure she is ok and that I do whatever I can to make her smile. I care about how things that transpire throught her day affect her life. I want to know more and more.
I think she is feeling the same. I have to keep reassuring her that Im not trying to pull her out of her relationship. Im not. I told her (and the world) a million times that I need for her to sit tight until she is ready to make a move and I am ready to receive her. Now is definitely not the time. I think my kids would drive her even more insane than she is. They are so ghetto-lol.
So I guess when it comes to talk of lovin her, Im doing that. Its good. Nuff said.
The other chick "S"??? Gotta go. She is a fruitcake. That goes to show that everything that looks good to ya aint good for ya. I thought she was a sweetheart but she is OFF. She is still pissed-lol. Yet, the idiot does not realize that we only went on 2 (count em) 2 dates and talked on the phone about maybe 2 weeks. I barely know her. I still have to think hard to remember her last name. Whatever. Im cuttin her all the way loose. I thought she would get it when I stopped calling but apparently Im going to have to have a conversation. I hate conversations. I wonder why so many black lesbians are off their rockers?
Im not stressing today. I have faith that everything is going to be great. Im excited about receiving my travel arrangements to San Fran Pride. Yay! Olivia put me up in a beautiful hotel. I told them Motel 6 woudl be aight cause Im not going to be in there very much anyway. I have my flight booked. Now I just have to get the money together for the vendor space.
So thats about it for today. Im going to be outta here in about 2 hours or so. Cant wait. Im going to bed early tonight. I have to be here in hell early, but I definitely need some time with my Baby. I have to think of something special to do for her. She needs a treat to reward her for making me so happy.
Til tomorrow....
I am thankful for the new opportunity that has opened up for me with my new job. I sit here and dread every second that ticks off the clock. I forgot how very much I hate working here, but now its crystal clear.
You would think that on my final days, I would feel melancholy. Hellz no. My boss is still an ass. He had the nerve to email me saying I had only called 2 clients all day. WTF? I have been so busy today. I interviewed 3 people, finished up a couple of others. I called a bunch of people today. I even gave advice to another recruiter who wants to quit. I HATE THIS JOB. They never stroke you or compliment you unless you are about to bounce. Thats not good or smart management.
Oh well, I only have to deal with it for a couple of days. I guess I can hang in there that long.
Love life? Hmmmm? Everything is very good with Baby. We are still cruising along on a gentle breeze. Im learning more about her and caring about her more. Not just loving but caring. Its different. I want to hear about her day, what she does. I want to make sure she is ok and that I do whatever I can to make her smile. I care about how things that transpire throught her day affect her life. I want to know more and more.
I think she is feeling the same. I have to keep reassuring her that Im not trying to pull her out of her relationship. Im not. I told her (and the world) a million times that I need for her to sit tight until she is ready to make a move and I am ready to receive her. Now is definitely not the time. I think my kids would drive her even more insane than she is. They are so ghetto-lol.
So I guess when it comes to talk of lovin her, Im doing that. Its good. Nuff said.
The other chick "S"??? Gotta go. She is a fruitcake. That goes to show that everything that looks good to ya aint good for ya. I thought she was a sweetheart but she is OFF. She is still pissed-lol. Yet, the idiot does not realize that we only went on 2 (count em) 2 dates and talked on the phone about maybe 2 weeks. I barely know her. I still have to think hard to remember her last name. Whatever. Im cuttin her all the way loose. I thought she would get it when I stopped calling but apparently Im going to have to have a conversation. I hate conversations. I wonder why so many black lesbians are off their rockers?
Im not stressing today. I have faith that everything is going to be great. Im excited about receiving my travel arrangements to San Fran Pride. Yay! Olivia put me up in a beautiful hotel. I told them Motel 6 woudl be aight cause Im not going to be in there very much anyway. I have my flight booked. Now I just have to get the money together for the vendor space.
So thats about it for today. Im going to be outta here in about 2 hours or so. Cant wait. Im going to bed early tonight. I have to be here in hell early, but I definitely need some time with my Baby. I have to think of something special to do for her. She needs a treat to reward her for making me so happy.
Til tomorrow....
Monday, June 11, 2007
Monday Funday
Today's Mood: Silly and Stressed
Ok, today I think I am about 15 years old. I have been in the very best mood all day. Im joking with my coworkers. Teasing my Baby. Im smiling and just happy.
Maybe its because the day started off so well. I laugh now because the phone scared me to death when she sent my first text. I had risen in the night and put the phone on my pillow like a lovesick idiot. When her ringtone sounded, my azz almost fell out of the bed. LOL.
We started off warm and ended up blazing hot, as we often do. Its our special chemistry that allows such passion while we are so far apart.
The day meandered into a silly, fun day. I joked with her off and on, teased my coworkers. Discovered even more ghetto reasons why I have to leave this job. Everyone is griping and moaning, its not even that major. I am outta here, they can stick around if they want to.
I was stressing a little because I have so many things to pay this week. I hate bills. Ugh. But luckily it will all be fine, we will just have to eat oodles of noodles for the next little bit. The only thing that is stressing me is starting this new job. I am doing ok financially but the way the salary is set up is going to be a trial for the first month. I have the week without a check. Then we get paid every week. Im used to getting a nice lumpy check biweekly. Also, since the base is a lot lower than what I make now, they are paying me the difference in a monthy "bonus" check. So I have a smaller amount coming in for 3 weeks and then one fat check at the end of the month. I don't know how that is going to affect my tightly controlled bill-rotation. I keep everything in order, and now I have to reevaluate and shuffle some things. Yikes.
I wont even talk about having to upgrade my wardrobe. Thats the hardest part. Im between plus sizes and regular. That in itself is a mess. Now I have to buy suits and dressy clothes. I hate shopping and I really don't need to spend the extra cash. Im going to have to suck it up and go for it.
Ah-money is no biggie. It comes and goes. Overall, Im so happy and excited. Everything is going so well with me, all is right with the world. Im making new friends, learning more about my old ones. My kids are wildin out, but I guess thats part of being a teenager.
I need to find advice on how to handle sexually active boys. I try to give them advice. I try to talk to them about respecting females. About condoms and std's. I try to talk to them about being safe and careful. Who knows what sticks and what doesnt. I guess I can just blindly wish for them to make it through the fire unscathed. I am guiding them as much as I can, but they are becoming men. Ugh. I dont even want to think about it.
Im ready to go to sleep right now. It will make my phone ring faster.
Ok, today I think I am about 15 years old. I have been in the very best mood all day. Im joking with my coworkers. Teasing my Baby. Im smiling and just happy.
Maybe its because the day started off so well. I laugh now because the phone scared me to death when she sent my first text. I had risen in the night and put the phone on my pillow like a lovesick idiot. When her ringtone sounded, my azz almost fell out of the bed. LOL.
We started off warm and ended up blazing hot, as we often do. Its our special chemistry that allows such passion while we are so far apart.
The day meandered into a silly, fun day. I joked with her off and on, teased my coworkers. Discovered even more ghetto reasons why I have to leave this job. Everyone is griping and moaning, its not even that major. I am outta here, they can stick around if they want to.
I was stressing a little because I have so many things to pay this week. I hate bills. Ugh. But luckily it will all be fine, we will just have to eat oodles of noodles for the next little bit. The only thing that is stressing me is starting this new job. I am doing ok financially but the way the salary is set up is going to be a trial for the first month. I have the week without a check. Then we get paid every week. Im used to getting a nice lumpy check biweekly. Also, since the base is a lot lower than what I make now, they are paying me the difference in a monthy "bonus" check. So I have a smaller amount coming in for 3 weeks and then one fat check at the end of the month. I don't know how that is going to affect my tightly controlled bill-rotation. I keep everything in order, and now I have to reevaluate and shuffle some things. Yikes.
I wont even talk about having to upgrade my wardrobe. Thats the hardest part. Im between plus sizes and regular. That in itself is a mess. Now I have to buy suits and dressy clothes. I hate shopping and I really don't need to spend the extra cash. Im going to have to suck it up and go for it.
Ah-money is no biggie. It comes and goes. Overall, Im so happy and excited. Everything is going so well with me, all is right with the world. Im making new friends, learning more about my old ones. My kids are wildin out, but I guess thats part of being a teenager.
I need to find advice on how to handle sexually active boys. I try to give them advice. I try to talk to them about respecting females. About condoms and std's. I try to talk to them about being safe and careful. Who knows what sticks and what doesnt. I guess I can just blindly wish for them to make it through the fire unscathed. I am guiding them as much as I can, but they are becoming men. Ugh. I dont even want to think about it.
Im ready to go to sleep right now. It will make my phone ring faster.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Sunday, Eh...
Today's Mood: Aight
Where to start? This has been a wicked, exhausting weekend.
I guess I will go back to Saturday. It happened again. I was in the grocery store, just walking around. I went to the ghetto Mexican grocery store, because they have the best veggies and fruits. So Im strolling along, and I see this couple-older white guy and middle aged black woman. I only notice them because they dont look like they would be together but they looked happy. I see all other kinds of people because there are always sights to see at this grocery store.
Anyway, I try to go down a lane and they are blocking my way. I laugh and tease them about hogging the row. They laugh too and move over so I can get by. As they pass, the guy said "Maam, we were talking about you earlier". I say "Huh" because I was confused. Then he said "We were talking about how beautiful you are". I just smiled and said thanks. Ok on one level I know all kinds of weirdos go to this store and maybe they were swingers...and oh you know. I dont even want to think of it. On the other hand, how sweet was that? They didn't do or say anything else and we crossed paths a few more times. I swear I have no idea what people see when they look at me. I don't. I wish there was some kind of way....I do not think Im even pretty, just average. I wanted to call my Baby and tell her about it but now Im cautious not to sound like Im bragging. Its unreal to me.
So on to "S". That babe is showing psycho tendencies already. I saw her at the club on Friday nite. She was with her other friend but she ran out there to where I was working as soon as she could ditch the girl. We talked. She said (LOL just thinking about it) "You hurt the baby" LOLOLOL. I was cracking up. Was she serious?????WTF???? LOL
After I got up off the floor, I said I was sorry? for hurting her (LOL) feelings. I don't get it. Not trying to be heartless but we only went out twice. There was no action between us. Heck I even paid for drinks.. I told her I was seeing other people. She is too. So what the hell is the problem? I think the problem is she is nuts. I am going to find a therapist and see if I can get a bonus for referring people to her. So now she wants to try to work it out (LOL) and go from there. Whatever. She has worn out her welcome.
I am more than happy with my Baby right now. I miss her terribly and hate that we cannot spend more time together. Today, I wanted to call her a million times. I love how she calls me as soon as she gets 2 free minutes. It makes me smile. Right now, if I was to look into my rational mind, I would probably worry a little. Im so content with her. I still feel as if she is the perfect person for me. She is the total package that I have asked for. Well, except for that tiny little thingy called being hitched. Other than that, she would be perfection.
Enough about her. Today I went to an all lesbian basketball tournament. No, not a WNBA game lol. It was a hood, ghetto tournament featurning job-lite baby studs. So many breastless little boys. The young femmes were no better. They had on shorts the size of my drawz and all their huge titties hanging out. They looked like they were going to the club, not a ball game. It was a superghetto fashion show. I was tripping with my friends. A few of them looked so much like dudes, we felt the need to ask for birth certificates. I had a blast, acting nutty with my friends.
So thats bout it for the weekend. Worked at the club as usual. I had fun and didnt really flirt as much as usual. At least I didnt try to flirt. It was easy. My mind was focused on other stuff. So tomorrow I get to play with my Baby and reconnect after the weekend. I also start my last week at Remington College. I don't know how to take it. Its going to be so weird. I need to go take a drug test tomorrow as well. Uh oh. LOL. Nah, that wont be a problem unless this red wine is laced with something.
Im going to bed now. It will make the time for my text from my Baby get here faster. Until tomorrow....
Where to start? This has been a wicked, exhausting weekend.
I guess I will go back to Saturday. It happened again. I was in the grocery store, just walking around. I went to the ghetto Mexican grocery store, because they have the best veggies and fruits. So Im strolling along, and I see this couple-older white guy and middle aged black woman. I only notice them because they dont look like they would be together but they looked happy. I see all other kinds of people because there are always sights to see at this grocery store.
Anyway, I try to go down a lane and they are blocking my way. I laugh and tease them about hogging the row. They laugh too and move over so I can get by. As they pass, the guy said "Maam, we were talking about you earlier". I say "Huh" because I was confused. Then he said "We were talking about how beautiful you are". I just smiled and said thanks. Ok on one level I know all kinds of weirdos go to this store and maybe they were swingers...and oh you know. I dont even want to think of it. On the other hand, how sweet was that? They didn't do or say anything else and we crossed paths a few more times. I swear I have no idea what people see when they look at me. I don't. I wish there was some kind of way....I do not think Im even pretty, just average. I wanted to call my Baby and tell her about it but now Im cautious not to sound like Im bragging. Its unreal to me.
So on to "S". That babe is showing psycho tendencies already. I saw her at the club on Friday nite. She was with her other friend but she ran out there to where I was working as soon as she could ditch the girl. We talked. She said (LOL just thinking about it) "You hurt the baby" LOLOLOL. I was cracking up. Was she serious?????WTF???? LOL
After I got up off the floor, I said I was sorry? for hurting her (LOL) feelings. I don't get it. Not trying to be heartless but we only went out twice. There was no action between us. Heck I even paid for drinks.. I told her I was seeing other people. She is too. So what the hell is the problem? I think the problem is she is nuts. I am going to find a therapist and see if I can get a bonus for referring people to her. So now she wants to try to work it out (LOL) and go from there. Whatever. She has worn out her welcome.
I am more than happy with my Baby right now. I miss her terribly and hate that we cannot spend more time together. Today, I wanted to call her a million times. I love how she calls me as soon as she gets 2 free minutes. It makes me smile. Right now, if I was to look into my rational mind, I would probably worry a little. Im so content with her. I still feel as if she is the perfect person for me. She is the total package that I have asked for. Well, except for that tiny little thingy called being hitched. Other than that, she would be perfection.
Enough about her. Today I went to an all lesbian basketball tournament. No, not a WNBA game lol. It was a hood, ghetto tournament featurning job-lite baby studs. So many breastless little boys. The young femmes were no better. They had on shorts the size of my drawz and all their huge titties hanging out. They looked like they were going to the club, not a ball game. It was a superghetto fashion show. I was tripping with my friends. A few of them looked so much like dudes, we felt the need to ask for birth certificates. I had a blast, acting nutty with my friends.
So thats bout it for the weekend. Worked at the club as usual. I had fun and didnt really flirt as much as usual. At least I didnt try to flirt. It was easy. My mind was focused on other stuff. So tomorrow I get to play with my Baby and reconnect after the weekend. I also start my last week at Remington College. I don't know how to take it. Its going to be so weird. I need to go take a drug test tomorrow as well. Uh oh. LOL. Nah, that wont be a problem unless this red wine is laced with something.
Im going to bed now. It will make the time for my text from my Baby get here faster. Until tomorrow....
Friday, June 8, 2007
Finally Friday
Today's Mood: Happy, Sad, Nervous
Lets see. I missed yesterday because my bootleg computer was acting up. Sorry. Lets talk about everything that is going on.
Work: I am so torn about taking the new job. My boss is making it difficult. He counter-offered and tossed in more incentives. I just can't do it. I was walking to the snack machine and it hit me again how much I hate this place. I love my students and my coworkers, but the job itself sux. I do appreciate how awesome they are being to me and I do see that they recognize that I am a valuable employee. I guess that counts for something. It makes me happy.
I am terribly nervous about taking on the new job. Im entering a foreign land. I have to be trained. What if Im too old or too stupid? What if I can't cut it. There is always a job at McDonalds... I think Im kinda looking forward to the challenge. I want to see if Im all that or if I have just been lucky. Its going to be hard to go from being one of the top dawgs to being a little peon.
Why am I sad? Im sad because I haven't had enough time with my baby. She has been mad busy the last few days. I guess coming off of our wonderful weekend, I am going through withdrawals. She is still there, we are still in love. Nothing negative is between us. I just miss her so much. Too much. I love the fact that even though her days are swamped, she still makes time to call or text whenever she can.
What is so weird to me is that in the past, I wouldnt even be able to discern the effort she makes to keep me happy. I also would not have noticed that she does this because she wants to spend time with me, not just to appease me. I know our limited time to play is tough on her too.
What about the other chick I was seeing? Well she is still tripping over the time she saw me with my Baby last weekend. Oh well. Thats her bad. Its making me nervous because if she is acting all nuts after 2 platonic dates...psycho tendencies. We are scheduled for a conversation sometime this weekend, and I guess that will be it.
Im starting to work on a play. The ideas are clicking into place. I think it will be interesting. I just have to map it out, and think of a way to make it different, funny, unique. There are 50 million different plays out there that make no money and are so ghetto. I don't want this to be one of them.
This is another not-so-deep day. Im just floating along. Happy with my relationship (or whatever it is), dealing with the changes. Content. Lets hope it stays that way.
Lets see. I missed yesterday because my bootleg computer was acting up. Sorry. Lets talk about everything that is going on.
Work: I am so torn about taking the new job. My boss is making it difficult. He counter-offered and tossed in more incentives. I just can't do it. I was walking to the snack machine and it hit me again how much I hate this place. I love my students and my coworkers, but the job itself sux. I do appreciate how awesome they are being to me and I do see that they recognize that I am a valuable employee. I guess that counts for something. It makes me happy.
I am terribly nervous about taking on the new job. Im entering a foreign land. I have to be trained. What if Im too old or too stupid? What if I can't cut it. There is always a job at McDonalds... I think Im kinda looking forward to the challenge. I want to see if Im all that or if I have just been lucky. Its going to be hard to go from being one of the top dawgs to being a little peon.
Why am I sad? Im sad because I haven't had enough time with my baby. She has been mad busy the last few days. I guess coming off of our wonderful weekend, I am going through withdrawals. She is still there, we are still in love. Nothing negative is between us. I just miss her so much. Too much. I love the fact that even though her days are swamped, she still makes time to call or text whenever she can.
What is so weird to me is that in the past, I wouldnt even be able to discern the effort she makes to keep me happy. I also would not have noticed that she does this because she wants to spend time with me, not just to appease me. I know our limited time to play is tough on her too.
What about the other chick I was seeing? Well she is still tripping over the time she saw me with my Baby last weekend. Oh well. Thats her bad. Its making me nervous because if she is acting all nuts after 2 platonic dates...psycho tendencies. We are scheduled for a conversation sometime this weekend, and I guess that will be it.
Im starting to work on a play. The ideas are clicking into place. I think it will be interesting. I just have to map it out, and think of a way to make it different, funny, unique. There are 50 million different plays out there that make no money and are so ghetto. I don't want this to be one of them.
This is another not-so-deep day. Im just floating along. Happy with my relationship (or whatever it is), dealing with the changes. Content. Lets hope it stays that way.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Wanting Wanted Wednesday
Today's Mood: Loved, wanted, desired
Today has been a good day. It started out with my so-distracted Baby texting me. Her mind was in a million places today so our talking was sporadic. I enjoyed her nonetheless. Any time we have to share is wonderful.
I made it in to work almost on time. Found out that I did get the new job (yay). I gave my notice to my boss but he wouldnt accept it. He said I would get at least $5000/yr raise....hootie hooo big deal. Thats about an additional $100 week. So not acceptable when you think about the fact that we only get one raise a year. So not acceptable when my coworkers still make more than me and I do as much or more than them. In fact all of their numbers are in a decline but mine are in an increase. Oh well. I wouldnt stay for anything. I hate that job.
I need to get my sophistication back. Working there has made me get so ghetto. My vocabulary is slipping. I am not mentally challenged at all. My only concerns are the fact that they may ask me to leave without working my notice and its up to them if they want to pay out my notice or just tell me to get-to-steppin. Also I now have to get some new clothes. I need suits and dressier things. No more capris and lazy clothes. Im excited though, and its a great opportunity.
What else is new? I feel so consumed by my baby's love. I wrote something for her tonight that gave me shivers while I was writing it. Loving her is making me so open. I am more everything. More creative, more loving, more passionate, more patient. I can't wait for her to read it in the morning. She is going to die. I literally almost had an orgasm envisioning the scenes that I wrote about.
I think she is so good for me. Im forever telling her how she makes my life better. What she does for me. I want to know what I bring to her. How do I make her happy, how do I enrich her life. I know how I confuse her-lol. I definitely know how to infuriate her. I want to know what draws her to me from her perspective.
I wonder what kind of woman I am sometimes. I am so many people wrapped up in one. I am so crazy. Im almost 40 but I still play like a kid. I love to play tricks, tell jokes. I love to make people laugh. I am also a fighter. I hardly ever get mad about transgressions against myself but if you mess with one of mine or someone weaker, its ON. I am strong but so fragile at the same time. I think in my life, most people get focused on my strength that they don't see the ultra sensitive side of me. Im passionate, outgoing but still shy on the inside. Im vivacious in public but so content to have quiet time alone. Most time I prefer to chill alone or with a mate. Im driven but not competitive or money motivated. I guess Im a weirdo. A conundrum.
I dont have anything deep to talk about tonight. I am feeling loved and wanted. Its so beautiful. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can harm me. She makes me feel so wonderful. Im happy with life.
Tomorrow I will try to find something to be insightful about....
I am done with self reflection for the YEAR. LOL I traumatized myself yesterday and Im not going there today.
Today has been a good day. It started out with my so-distracted Baby texting me. Her mind was in a million places today so our talking was sporadic. I enjoyed her nonetheless. Any time we have to share is wonderful.
I made it in to work almost on time. Found out that I did get the new job (yay). I gave my notice to my boss but he wouldnt accept it. He said I would get at least $5000/yr raise....hootie hooo big deal. Thats about an additional $100 week. So not acceptable when you think about the fact that we only get one raise a year. So not acceptable when my coworkers still make more than me and I do as much or more than them. In fact all of their numbers are in a decline but mine are in an increase. Oh well. I wouldnt stay for anything. I hate that job.
I need to get my sophistication back. Working there has made me get so ghetto. My vocabulary is slipping. I am not mentally challenged at all. My only concerns are the fact that they may ask me to leave without working my notice and its up to them if they want to pay out my notice or just tell me to get-to-steppin. Also I now have to get some new clothes. I need suits and dressier things. No more capris and lazy clothes. Im excited though, and its a great opportunity.
What else is new? I feel so consumed by my baby's love. I wrote something for her tonight that gave me shivers while I was writing it. Loving her is making me so open. I am more everything. More creative, more loving, more passionate, more patient. I can't wait for her to read it in the morning. She is going to die. I literally almost had an orgasm envisioning the scenes that I wrote about.
I think she is so good for me. Im forever telling her how she makes my life better. What she does for me. I want to know what I bring to her. How do I make her happy, how do I enrich her life. I know how I confuse her-lol. I definitely know how to infuriate her. I want to know what draws her to me from her perspective.
I wonder what kind of woman I am sometimes. I am so many people wrapped up in one. I am so crazy. Im almost 40 but I still play like a kid. I love to play tricks, tell jokes. I love to make people laugh. I am also a fighter. I hardly ever get mad about transgressions against myself but if you mess with one of mine or someone weaker, its ON. I am strong but so fragile at the same time. I think in my life, most people get focused on my strength that they don't see the ultra sensitive side of me. Im passionate, outgoing but still shy on the inside. Im vivacious in public but so content to have quiet time alone. Most time I prefer to chill alone or with a mate. Im driven but not competitive or money motivated. I guess Im a weirdo. A conundrum.
I dont have anything deep to talk about tonight. I am feeling loved and wanted. Its so beautiful. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can harm me. She makes me feel so wonderful. Im happy with life.
Tomorrow I will try to find something to be insightful about....
I am done with self reflection for the YEAR. LOL I traumatized myself yesterday and Im not going there today.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Tuesday Tales
Today's Mood: Chill
This has been an emotional rollercoaster of a day. Lets see. It started out...interesting. My beautiful wakeup text was....interesting to say the least. She woke me asking questions about her wife. It was a strange thing to me, but it didn't make me angry or hurt my feelings. I guess Im strange because I love knowing that we are close enough for her to come at me like that. Now, I will admit that it threw me off a little. I feel that the morning texts and talks are our special time. I can't have her alllll the time, but I do cherish starting my day with her.
Ok so moving on past that, the day progressed to become even more interesting. I got to work and apparently I am going to be offered the new job. So of course it was nearly impossible to do anything at all today. In the course of talking with her about stuff she revealed an extremely annoying habit that I have-one I wasn't aware of. At first I was defensive, I mean, who wants to hear that they are not perfection. Then I dug a little deeper into myself and opened up a door that I was not prepared to open. I realized a lot about myself and remembered some painful, painful things from my childhood.
We talked about how I have always been made to feel unattractive by my mom. I didnt tell her that until I went to college, I wouldnt even look up when I walked through the halls in school. No-I changed a little towards the end of 12th grade. I had some friends, but I wouldn't really talk to anyone that I didnt know well. I was teased about being stuck up, when I was so painfully shy that I could barely string 3 words into a sentence.
I was forced to think about my mother. She used to slyly beat me down, and I have to admit that I am still a little angry about it. I definitely remember her telling me that I wasnt cute, my hair wasnt long enough. She would find joy sometimes in my missteps. A crazy memory is when I accidentally dyed my hair flame red. She thought that was so funny. She was disappointed when I had sense enough to buy some dark dye and even it out to a rich mahogany color that was beautiful.
I remember when I was the flower girl in a wedding. I was already painfully shy but right before I walked down the aisle, she said I wouldnt be able to do it with all of those people looking at me. She said if I messed up they would laugh. I remember, I think I was about 6 or 7, I remember when I walked out, the lady on the end was smiling and nodding at me. In my childish mind I thought she was laughing at me because mama said they would laugh. I started crying and ran all the way down. She fussed at me for throwing big clumps of flowers and never tried to comfort me. My grandmother always tried to step in and fix me. Her favorite thing to say was "Val, leave that child alone". I remember it like yesterday.
I remember, gosh do I remember, I remember her telling me that I was a princess. You would think that was a good thing. But to her I was a princess because I didnt like things to be junky. I didnt like for my clothes to smell smoky. I didnt eat chitterlings. Anything that was unique to me made me a snobby princess who thought she was better than everyone else. I heard this a million times. Sometimes if I cleaned up my room, she would bring all of my clean clothes upstairs and dump them all over my bed and the floor. I don't know why she was so jealous. And mean. And I don't know how these memories faded away. Heck, I dont know why Im not totally nuts. Wait...Oh yea. I am.
My Granny did so much to act as a buffer. She bought me nice and stylish clothes when mom said she couldnt afford it. She made sure I got to be in things like girl scouts to help make friends. She was always putting me in things to make me be in the public eye-like Christmas pageants, missionaries, church things. She would not let me be a cripple to my shyness. She made me take dance lessons, gymnastics, swimming. All of that. She also encouraged my reading. Mom said I was being stuck up, always up in my room reading with the door locked. Like the quiet time was a bad thing. Like I was doing something wrong.
Granny always bought me books. She bought makeup and taught me how to use it. She took me to get on the pill when I thought it might be time to do that. Mom called me a whore and a slut. Granny went with me to the clinic and taught me about how to value myself.
Hmmmm. As I told my Baby today, self-reflection sux. I am old. My mom and Granny are long deceased. Why are all of these thoughts coming out now? What good is it going to do?
In 12th grade, I was voted one of the senior class beauties. I cried and cried. I thought it was a joke at first, but somehow people elected me to that position. When I got to college, I ran with the wild, pretty crowd of freshmen. I felt like a fraud. So many days I would lock up in my room and cry because I felt that they would find out that I was not good enough and gang up on me or something equally foolish. I guess I developed some self esteem during that time though. When I pledged my sorority, that helped too.
Those who know me know about my last relationship and how she kinda drop-kicked me back to that place where I questioned my value. I mean, if you have lived almost your entire life being told how ugly you are and how you just don't measure up...How even though you get excellent grades, your dropout brother is still the darling of the family and can do no wrong. How you can go to college but ummm too bad if you need anything that your scholarships dont provide but hey your brother can have a car and no job (other than drug dealing, but we will pay for the car and whatnot)---what was my point? oh yeah...My point is living like that for so many years, climbing out of it, and having someone who you trust to love you and protect you tell you that you are fat and unappealing. Tell you that they don't want you because you turn them off with your fat azz.......I guess it flipped me back to those years.
Today, today I am....better? I never see what other people see when they look at me. I still sometimes see that buck toothed girl with the greasy jheri curl and the big lime green polyester dress that I was forced to wear until I cut it up. Or the green and purple jumper.....The one that the kids thought was so hilarious. The one that when I begged not to wear it I was scolded and told to be glad I had anything.....I see that girl. I try to see what they see. I feel confident most of the time now. I know Im ok-but the flashes from the past hit me when I don't expect them. I know Im ok, though. I know Im not a horrid looking woman. My mind knows it but my heart still feels like that little reject kid.
Self reflection truly sux. For real. My Baby said I sounded like I was a braggart when I talk about people being interested in me. It kinda hurt my feelings at first, but being a realist I understand where she was coming from. Nobody knows my history. They don't know that when talk about it, its with wonder and surprise, not bragging. It still surprises me when people react to me like Im attractive or whatever. I know it shouldn't but it does. And sometimes I babble about it. Im going to have to watch that but its still...weird.
This has been an emotional rollercoaster of a day. Lets see. It started out...interesting. My beautiful wakeup text was....interesting to say the least. She woke me asking questions about her wife. It was a strange thing to me, but it didn't make me angry or hurt my feelings. I guess Im strange because I love knowing that we are close enough for her to come at me like that. Now, I will admit that it threw me off a little. I feel that the morning texts and talks are our special time. I can't have her alllll the time, but I do cherish starting my day with her.
Ok so moving on past that, the day progressed to become even more interesting. I got to work and apparently I am going to be offered the new job. So of course it was nearly impossible to do anything at all today. In the course of talking with her about stuff she revealed an extremely annoying habit that I have-one I wasn't aware of. At first I was defensive, I mean, who wants to hear that they are not perfection. Then I dug a little deeper into myself and opened up a door that I was not prepared to open. I realized a lot about myself and remembered some painful, painful things from my childhood.
We talked about how I have always been made to feel unattractive by my mom. I didnt tell her that until I went to college, I wouldnt even look up when I walked through the halls in school. No-I changed a little towards the end of 12th grade. I had some friends, but I wouldn't really talk to anyone that I didnt know well. I was teased about being stuck up, when I was so painfully shy that I could barely string 3 words into a sentence.
I was forced to think about my mother. She used to slyly beat me down, and I have to admit that I am still a little angry about it. I definitely remember her telling me that I wasnt cute, my hair wasnt long enough. She would find joy sometimes in my missteps. A crazy memory is when I accidentally dyed my hair flame red. She thought that was so funny. She was disappointed when I had sense enough to buy some dark dye and even it out to a rich mahogany color that was beautiful.
I remember when I was the flower girl in a wedding. I was already painfully shy but right before I walked down the aisle, she said I wouldnt be able to do it with all of those people looking at me. She said if I messed up they would laugh. I remember, I think I was about 6 or 7, I remember when I walked out, the lady on the end was smiling and nodding at me. In my childish mind I thought she was laughing at me because mama said they would laugh. I started crying and ran all the way down. She fussed at me for throwing big clumps of flowers and never tried to comfort me. My grandmother always tried to step in and fix me. Her favorite thing to say was "Val, leave that child alone". I remember it like yesterday.
I remember, gosh do I remember, I remember her telling me that I was a princess. You would think that was a good thing. But to her I was a princess because I didnt like things to be junky. I didnt like for my clothes to smell smoky. I didnt eat chitterlings. Anything that was unique to me made me a snobby princess who thought she was better than everyone else. I heard this a million times. Sometimes if I cleaned up my room, she would bring all of my clean clothes upstairs and dump them all over my bed and the floor. I don't know why she was so jealous. And mean. And I don't know how these memories faded away. Heck, I dont know why Im not totally nuts. Wait...Oh yea. I am.
My Granny did so much to act as a buffer. She bought me nice and stylish clothes when mom said she couldnt afford it. She made sure I got to be in things like girl scouts to help make friends. She was always putting me in things to make me be in the public eye-like Christmas pageants, missionaries, church things. She would not let me be a cripple to my shyness. She made me take dance lessons, gymnastics, swimming. All of that. She also encouraged my reading. Mom said I was being stuck up, always up in my room reading with the door locked. Like the quiet time was a bad thing. Like I was doing something wrong.
Granny always bought me books. She bought makeup and taught me how to use it. She took me to get on the pill when I thought it might be time to do that. Mom called me a whore and a slut. Granny went with me to the clinic and taught me about how to value myself.
Hmmmm. As I told my Baby today, self-reflection sux. I am old. My mom and Granny are long deceased. Why are all of these thoughts coming out now? What good is it going to do?
In 12th grade, I was voted one of the senior class beauties. I cried and cried. I thought it was a joke at first, but somehow people elected me to that position. When I got to college, I ran with the wild, pretty crowd of freshmen. I felt like a fraud. So many days I would lock up in my room and cry because I felt that they would find out that I was not good enough and gang up on me or something equally foolish. I guess I developed some self esteem during that time though. When I pledged my sorority, that helped too.
Those who know me know about my last relationship and how she kinda drop-kicked me back to that place where I questioned my value. I mean, if you have lived almost your entire life being told how ugly you are and how you just don't measure up...How even though you get excellent grades, your dropout brother is still the darling of the family and can do no wrong. How you can go to college but ummm too bad if you need anything that your scholarships dont provide but hey your brother can have a car and no job (other than drug dealing, but we will pay for the car and whatnot)---what was my point? oh yeah...My point is living like that for so many years, climbing out of it, and having someone who you trust to love you and protect you tell you that you are fat and unappealing. Tell you that they don't want you because you turn them off with your fat azz.......I guess it flipped me back to those years.
Today, today I am....better? I never see what other people see when they look at me. I still sometimes see that buck toothed girl with the greasy jheri curl and the big lime green polyester dress that I was forced to wear until I cut it up. Or the green and purple jumper.....The one that the kids thought was so hilarious. The one that when I begged not to wear it I was scolded and told to be glad I had anything.....I see that girl. I try to see what they see. I feel confident most of the time now. I know Im ok-but the flashes from the past hit me when I don't expect them. I know Im ok, though. I know Im not a horrid looking woman. My mind knows it but my heart still feels like that little reject kid.
Self reflection truly sux. For real. My Baby said I sounded like I was a braggart when I talk about people being interested in me. It kinda hurt my feelings at first, but being a realist I understand where she was coming from. Nobody knows my history. They don't know that when talk about it, its with wonder and surprise, not bragging. It still surprises me when people react to me like Im attractive or whatever. I know it shouldn't but it does. And sometimes I babble about it. Im going to have to watch that but its still...weird.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Mmmm Monday
Today's Mood: Blissful
I hate missing days from here. This is a place where I find peace and clarity. Fortunately this weekend provided me with all of that and much, much more.
My Baby was here this weekend, and we spent so much time in each other's presence. She came in on Thursday, and didn't leave until Sunday evening. So of course you can see why writing in this blog was the last thing on my mind.
Where do I start? Maybe I should start with how I felt on Thursday as I waited for her to get here. I was a myriad of volatile emotions. Almost every feeling was tossed in the mix. I was excited to see her again after being apart for so long. I was nervous because I didnt know how we would react to each other after all the drama we have been through. I was...scared..that my reality would not measure up to her expectations. That maybe our first time together was a fluke.
Needless to say, my fears were groundless. We had the most beautiful time. I guess almost every emotion did come to the surface after all. I love her so much. Thats really all I can think about. As soon as I saw her, all doubts went out the window.
We had so much fun just being together. We did a WNBA game, which sucked cause we lost. We ate out at my fave place. I almost cried when I smelled the leftovers. I remember the way she looked at me across the table. Her feelings truly shine from her beautiful eyes. I think I needed to see her to know just how deeply she is into this.
I don't want to elaborate on the sexual part. It was spiritual to me. Im going to keep that part in my secret internal place, for only our memories to share. I will say that I went to places that Ive never been. I love her scent. I love her taste. I am enraptured by her moans. I was near tears so many times because even when we were going at it like wild things, it was an incredible merging of spirits and bodies. Physically we are perfect together but now that our emotions are more in harmony-it was unbelievable.
I feel like we are better everything after this visit. Definitely better lovers and most importantly better friends. What we have is like a little tender green shoot, just breaking through the surface and reaching for sunlight. We have to be so careful to keep it nurtured and not to give it toooo much light causing it to wither and burn.
I digress......
When she left me on Sunday, I was a mess. A total wreck. I was so miserable that I ended up laughing at my own self. It was hilarious, I was acting like the world was ending. This girl is the only person who has caused me to get in the bed, in the fetal position (lol), and act all super dramatic. Living the emotions is unusual to me. I can almost always shut down and just act like "its all good". Not with her. She demands that I give her all of me, honestly and completely. I guess by opening up it makes it so much harder to close the gates on my feelings when I want to. I finally got it together and went out with some friends to an L-Word viewing party. Thats about when my mind drifted from the loving, sweet thoughts to the hot sexual memories of the weekend. Now Im ready for more.
Thats enough of that for now. Today I have a final interview with this company that I like. I will write in tomorrow to report if I get out of this jail or not.
I hate missing days from here. This is a place where I find peace and clarity. Fortunately this weekend provided me with all of that and much, much more.
My Baby was here this weekend, and we spent so much time in each other's presence. She came in on Thursday, and didn't leave until Sunday evening. So of course you can see why writing in this blog was the last thing on my mind.
Where do I start? Maybe I should start with how I felt on Thursday as I waited for her to get here. I was a myriad of volatile emotions. Almost every feeling was tossed in the mix. I was excited to see her again after being apart for so long. I was nervous because I didnt know how we would react to each other after all the drama we have been through. I was...scared..that my reality would not measure up to her expectations. That maybe our first time together was a fluke.
Needless to say, my fears were groundless. We had the most beautiful time. I guess almost every emotion did come to the surface after all. I love her so much. Thats really all I can think about. As soon as I saw her, all doubts went out the window.
We had so much fun just being together. We did a WNBA game, which sucked cause we lost. We ate out at my fave place. I almost cried when I smelled the leftovers. I remember the way she looked at me across the table. Her feelings truly shine from her beautiful eyes. I think I needed to see her to know just how deeply she is into this.
I don't want to elaborate on the sexual part. It was spiritual to me. Im going to keep that part in my secret internal place, for only our memories to share. I will say that I went to places that Ive never been. I love her scent. I love her taste. I am enraptured by her moans. I was near tears so many times because even when we were going at it like wild things, it was an incredible merging of spirits and bodies. Physically we are perfect together but now that our emotions are more in harmony-it was unbelievable.
I feel like we are better everything after this visit. Definitely better lovers and most importantly better friends. What we have is like a little tender green shoot, just breaking through the surface and reaching for sunlight. We have to be so careful to keep it nurtured and not to give it toooo much light causing it to wither and burn.
I digress......
When she left me on Sunday, I was a mess. A total wreck. I was so miserable that I ended up laughing at my own self. It was hilarious, I was acting like the world was ending. This girl is the only person who has caused me to get in the bed, in the fetal position (lol), and act all super dramatic. Living the emotions is unusual to me. I can almost always shut down and just act like "its all good". Not with her. She demands that I give her all of me, honestly and completely. I guess by opening up it makes it so much harder to close the gates on my feelings when I want to. I finally got it together and went out with some friends to an L-Word viewing party. Thats about when my mind drifted from the loving, sweet thoughts to the hot sexual memories of the weekend. Now Im ready for more.
Thats enough of that for now. Today I have a final interview with this company that I like. I will write in tomorrow to report if I get out of this jail or not.
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