Today's Mood: Silly, Excited, Wild
This has been a very good and fun day. I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve. My Baby will be here tomorrow. I cannot wait to see her. Today, she woke me up so early with her text-it was early even for her. I know she is getting excited as well. She wants to know everything I have planned and this sista aint tellin. She will have to suffer until we have time together.
Work.....You would think work sux but I guess Im too happy to give a rip. My first phone call was an irate person. So what!? I sent her flowers and rainbows mentally and wished her a happy azz day. lol. I had some good clients and some scrounges. Got in a fight with a student who was trying to eat the bribe...I mean pizza that our boss bought our department to keep morale up. Dayum scavengers. They act like they never had a hot meal in life.
I heard from the job interview. They are moving on to the next phase. I guess Im cool with it. Hopefully I will be in the best position after I give my notice. If they offer to up my salary where it should be, considering that Im the #11 recruiter in the entire company....Then I may stay and try to hold out. Who knows.
We had a meeting today and they asked us veterans to mentor the new people. They laughingly said my person was not going to be here long enough for me to mentor. They just dont know...LOL. Im outta here as soon as possible. Sooner, if possible.
Soooo what else? Hmmmmm.....I am in the best place today. Uh oh. Wait. Drama alert. This gay guy in the next cube is telling my coworker that he is straight now, and holy. Ok, good for you. The dude is flaming. I think its only going to last until he meets somebody because last week he was over here crying because he is lonely.
My world is a circus. I have so many things spinning, flying, bouncing around. Im so excited about the upcoming visit. Im nervous about the preparations that need to be made. Im scared of this job opportunity. If I take it I will have to work, and try, and learn. Right now I can sit on my butt, barely make an effort and succeed anyway. Am I up to the task? Im concerned about my new friend "S". She is going through so much. I can only pray for her.
I guess today's post is all over the place, just like my mind. I have plans to make. I have to dust my nasty ceiling fan. Oh man, she better not go in my walkin closet or she may never be found. Im going to leave now, and stress in peace and quiet. Pray that I dont have a nervous breakdown.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Sing A Rainbow
Today's Mood: Can a person be totally bored and totally excited at the same time? Hmmm
I went on my interview and it was very, very good. I like the company and the philosophy. The person that I met with was excited to see me, and practically offered me the job right there. He showed me "my" office, and introduced me around. I like it, but as I said, the money is not what I need it to be. It has potential. We will see. It is much less micro-managed than here.
So the title of this post is weird, huh? Its from an old song that we used to sing in honors chorus. It has been playing in my head all day. One of the lyrics is "listen with your heart, and sing everything you see". Thats what Im doing. I decided to listen to the beat of my heart and just go with it. Im going to speak my mind. Let it all hang out. LOL
Today, I told my Baby exactly how I feel about her. How much I love her. How much Im not pressed about anything that she does. I love everything about her, and Im happy with her efforts. We may have our differences, and we definitely have to live with her relationship. To have a second of her love is worth more than anything.
Yeah enough of all that. Im not feeling too mush right now. I feel...straightforward. I just want it out there that these are my feelings, I acknowledge them. The way I feel changes nothing that is our reality, but I see them, I will feel them until they change. Im not going to ignore them or act like they are something other than what they are. And Im bad enough to say that I know she loves me too, whether she wants to confront her feelings or not. So there.
A friend of mine told me that she is looking for a bad beyotch. No a bad-ride-or-die-beyotch. Im on my way to that point. I am so content to listen with my heart and just be.
Blah, blah. Tomorrow I will be trippin about something, so lets all bask in this rare moment of still un-medicated clarity.
Want to talk about "S"? Well we talked tonight. She is a nice lady. Her situation sux. She is being yo-yo'd by her ex. The girl knows she still loves her, so even though she is dating someone new, she still keeps S dangling. Its not right. Until S gets to the point where she is numb and healing, she will stay at this girls beck and call. I tried to tell her tonight that she needs to keep doing what she is doing-casually dating a few people and hanging with her friends. She needs a lot of healing time.
What else? I guess I can rant about my thieving azz kid. I don't know what its going to take to straighten him out, but Im not dealing with his mess anymore. I can't kill him, so I guess I just have to help him work through his issues. Its ok, as long as he maintains some level of respect, Im ok. He will either figure it out or get locked up.
So thats about it for today. I guess Im going to bed.
I went on my interview and it was very, very good. I like the company and the philosophy. The person that I met with was excited to see me, and practically offered me the job right there. He showed me "my" office, and introduced me around. I like it, but as I said, the money is not what I need it to be. It has potential. We will see. It is much less micro-managed than here.
So the title of this post is weird, huh? Its from an old song that we used to sing in honors chorus. It has been playing in my head all day. One of the lyrics is "listen with your heart, and sing everything you see". Thats what Im doing. I decided to listen to the beat of my heart and just go with it. Im going to speak my mind. Let it all hang out. LOL
Today, I told my Baby exactly how I feel about her. How much I love her. How much Im not pressed about anything that she does. I love everything about her, and Im happy with her efforts. We may have our differences, and we definitely have to live with her relationship. To have a second of her love is worth more than anything.
Yeah enough of all that. Im not feeling too mush right now. I feel...straightforward. I just want it out there that these are my feelings, I acknowledge them. The way I feel changes nothing that is our reality, but I see them, I will feel them until they change. Im not going to ignore them or act like they are something other than what they are. And Im bad enough to say that I know she loves me too, whether she wants to confront her feelings or not. So there.
A friend of mine told me that she is looking for a bad beyotch. No a bad-ride-or-die-beyotch. Im on my way to that point. I am so content to listen with my heart and just be.
Blah, blah. Tomorrow I will be trippin about something, so lets all bask in this rare moment of still un-medicated clarity.
Want to talk about "S"? Well we talked tonight. She is a nice lady. Her situation sux. She is being yo-yo'd by her ex. The girl knows she still loves her, so even though she is dating someone new, she still keeps S dangling. Its not right. Until S gets to the point where she is numb and healing, she will stay at this girls beck and call. I tried to tell her tonight that she needs to keep doing what she is doing-casually dating a few people and hanging with her friends. She needs a lot of healing time.
What else? I guess I can rant about my thieving azz kid. I don't know what its going to take to straighten him out, but Im not dealing with his mess anymore. I can't kill him, so I guess I just have to help him work through his issues. Its ok, as long as he maintains some level of respect, Im ok. He will either figure it out or get locked up.
So thats about it for today. I guess Im going to bed.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Clipped Wings
Today's Mood: Good, Lazy, Relaxed
Ok, so I know today's title is a little dramatic. Maybe its because Ive sat on my fat azz all day looking at reality shows. And luvin it. Its been a perfectly lazy day. I literally did not do jack, except for cook a meal and run to the grocery store. I didnt get out of my tshirt and boxers. Perfection.
So to recap Sunday. I cleaned up my place, and once again resolved to start looking for a new space. I don't hate this one, I just want an upgrade. One thats not going to cost much more than this one but is a little better. Im not even sure Im staying in Houston, so thats not a major issue right now.
Back to my day-I started cleaning my closets, then decided that is way too much work for right now. I went out for crawfish with my new friend, lets call her "S" for now. We met up at this little place down the street from my apartment. She was a perfect "gentlewoman" lol, opening doors, pulling out my chair. All this from someone who swears that she is not into roles and all that jazz. I just laughed. Oh wait-I forgot. On the way there, a car pulled up beside me blowing the horn all hard. I thought something was wrong, a light out or my gas tank open so I slowed down. These guys were trying to holla at me, and acting all nutty. I politely said no thank you and continued on to my destination.
Why did they follow me to the restaurant? Then he came over to my car and kept trying to talk. I said I was meeting "my woman" (lol the whole time) and I was not interested. He was like "ooooh" and said "well, can I still get your number anyway?" LOL I hate when they do that. So while he is hanging all over my car, "S" drives up. She doesn't know my car so she didnt even look over. I bounced out of the car so fast, telling the guy he was gonna get me beat up. Poor "S" had no clue. lol It was so funny. I know she was wondering why I ran over to her so fast.
We had a nice time talking and laughing. We mainly talk about her recent breakup. I keep telling her that she needs to go slow, and live her emotions. It won't do her or whoever she dates next any good for her to keep squashing them down. She needs to go through the pain, the tears, all of it. She needs to be sure she is ready to start moving on. She does understand that and accepts that she is not ready for a relationship. Thats what makes it cool for us to hang out-no expectations at all.
She knows my heart is preoccupied and she accepts that. I know she has tons of healing to do (and tons of other women that she dates) so we are cool with being friends. I asked myself if she could really be someone special to me. The answer is a loud "Dont know". She is sexy, intelligent, all that, but I can't see her as more right now. Maybe its because she is not showing me all of herself, maybe its because my heart is taken. Who knows? She is great for a few laughs and an occasional meal.
Holidays-I guess if I have to be honest, I should talk about my holiday blues problem. I get so lonely on days like this. Family and friend days. My few close friends are out of town this weekend. I find myself alone, as usual. I don't know why I still get depressed after all of these years. It makes me sad, makes me miss my family. I think this year was a little better because I did just stay in the house to myself. I didnt surround myself with strangers, faking like I welcomed their company. I just did me, and did whatever I wanted to do. I didn't cry this time. I wasn't really blue. It just hurt a little.
I wonder if I will ever feel like part of a family again. I wonder if I am destined to always be alone. I don't fear that, I think Im resigned to it. I heard once that people are allotted a certain amount of luck in their lives and when they use it up, then thats that. Maybe its the same with love. I know I was so loved by my Granny and my family. Maybe that is all Im entitled to. I won't complain. I have been very blessed to have been treated the way I was. If I never feel that blanket of security and warmth again, then its ok.
So thats enough melancholy stuff. Tomorrow Im back in the hellhole called work. I have a job interview tomorrow (if I go) so I need to scheme on an explanation for why Im all dressed up. Maybe I wont dress up since I already met with the guy. I highly doubt he can pay me what Im making now anyway. We shall see.
Til tomorrow....
Ok, so I know today's title is a little dramatic. Maybe its because Ive sat on my fat azz all day looking at reality shows. And luvin it. Its been a perfectly lazy day. I literally did not do jack, except for cook a meal and run to the grocery store. I didnt get out of my tshirt and boxers. Perfection.
So to recap Sunday. I cleaned up my place, and once again resolved to start looking for a new space. I don't hate this one, I just want an upgrade. One thats not going to cost much more than this one but is a little better. Im not even sure Im staying in Houston, so thats not a major issue right now.
Back to my day-I started cleaning my closets, then decided that is way too much work for right now. I went out for crawfish with my new friend, lets call her "S" for now. We met up at this little place down the street from my apartment. She was a perfect "gentlewoman" lol, opening doors, pulling out my chair. All this from someone who swears that she is not into roles and all that jazz. I just laughed. Oh wait-I forgot. On the way there, a car pulled up beside me blowing the horn all hard. I thought something was wrong, a light out or my gas tank open so I slowed down. These guys were trying to holla at me, and acting all nutty. I politely said no thank you and continued on to my destination.
Why did they follow me to the restaurant? Then he came over to my car and kept trying to talk. I said I was meeting "my woman" (lol the whole time) and I was not interested. He was like "ooooh" and said "well, can I still get your number anyway?" LOL I hate when they do that. So while he is hanging all over my car, "S" drives up. She doesn't know my car so she didnt even look over. I bounced out of the car so fast, telling the guy he was gonna get me beat up. Poor "S" had no clue. lol It was so funny. I know she was wondering why I ran over to her so fast.
We had a nice time talking and laughing. We mainly talk about her recent breakup. I keep telling her that she needs to go slow, and live her emotions. It won't do her or whoever she dates next any good for her to keep squashing them down. She needs to go through the pain, the tears, all of it. She needs to be sure she is ready to start moving on. She does understand that and accepts that she is not ready for a relationship. Thats what makes it cool for us to hang out-no expectations at all.
She knows my heart is preoccupied and she accepts that. I know she has tons of healing to do (and tons of other women that she dates) so we are cool with being friends. I asked myself if she could really be someone special to me. The answer is a loud "Dont know". She is sexy, intelligent, all that, but I can't see her as more right now. Maybe its because she is not showing me all of herself, maybe its because my heart is taken. Who knows? She is great for a few laughs and an occasional meal.
Holidays-I guess if I have to be honest, I should talk about my holiday blues problem. I get so lonely on days like this. Family and friend days. My few close friends are out of town this weekend. I find myself alone, as usual. I don't know why I still get depressed after all of these years. It makes me sad, makes me miss my family. I think this year was a little better because I did just stay in the house to myself. I didnt surround myself with strangers, faking like I welcomed their company. I just did me, and did whatever I wanted to do. I didn't cry this time. I wasn't really blue. It just hurt a little.
I wonder if I will ever feel like part of a family again. I wonder if I am destined to always be alone. I don't fear that, I think Im resigned to it. I heard once that people are allotted a certain amount of luck in their lives and when they use it up, then thats that. Maybe its the same with love. I know I was so loved by my Granny and my family. Maybe that is all Im entitled to. I won't complain. I have been very blessed to have been treated the way I was. If I never feel that blanket of security and warmth again, then its ok.
So thats enough melancholy stuff. Tomorrow Im back in the hellhole called work. I have a job interview tomorrow (if I go) so I need to scheme on an explanation for why Im all dressed up. Maybe I wont dress up since I already met with the guy. I highly doubt he can pay me what Im making now anyway. We shall see.
Til tomorrow....
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Lazy Weekend
Today's Mood: Lazy and Cool
Sorry I forgot to write in yesterday. It was such an uneventful day, there was nothing major to talk about. Everything is cool with me and my Baby. We talked sporadically throughout the day. Little popcorn convos but still sweet to me. I know she is trying and I am going to see her efforts through new eyes. She can only do so much, and I appreciate every tiny thing that she does as much as the big things. I feel like thats where we started falling off. I stopped looking at the little things. Thats not going to happen again. I love that girl, and that is that.
Today I look so fly-lol. Im lookin kinda gangsta. I have on jeans and a black, see-thru shirt. Blue and black scarf, and gypsy earrings. I look sexy. The problem is I am at work. Im trying to see just how much time I can waste before its time to go. Ive been here 35 minutes and have not done jack.
This is going to be a good weekend. I have a few things going on that Im lookin forward to. Motown in the park... Martini Party.... Stuff.
Im in a great mood today, other than feeling lazy as hell. Im feeling sensual and sexual. I want to make slow love, maybe play with feathers or something. I want all of my senses caressed-slowly. Thats how I feel.
Sorry I forgot to write in yesterday. It was such an uneventful day, there was nothing major to talk about. Everything is cool with me and my Baby. We talked sporadically throughout the day. Little popcorn convos but still sweet to me. I know she is trying and I am going to see her efforts through new eyes. She can only do so much, and I appreciate every tiny thing that she does as much as the big things. I feel like thats where we started falling off. I stopped looking at the little things. Thats not going to happen again. I love that girl, and that is that.
Today I look so fly-lol. Im lookin kinda gangsta. I have on jeans and a black, see-thru shirt. Blue and black scarf, and gypsy earrings. I look sexy. The problem is I am at work. Im trying to see just how much time I can waste before its time to go. Ive been here 35 minutes and have not done jack.
This is going to be a good weekend. I have a few things going on that Im lookin forward to. Motown in the park... Martini Party.... Stuff.
Im in a great mood today, other than feeling lazy as hell. Im feeling sensual and sexual. I want to make slow love, maybe play with feathers or something. I want all of my senses caressed-slowly. Thats how I feel.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Keep It Moving
Today's Mood-Blah
Im changing the intro to this blog. I am deleting the part about not being crazy. I am officially insane, just like the rest of these nutty lesbians. Anyone reading the yo-yo of this blog can easily see it, so why deny the facts?
Im feeling so terrible. This flu or whatever is wearing me out. Im trying to keep up a happy face but its so hard. I didnt go to work yesterday, and im only working part of the day today. Im miserable and my bed is calling me.
On to the love stuff. Its fine today, I guess. We talked and decided (again) that we are not ready to let each other go. Its almost comical the way we act. I love her, she loves me. Neither of us is capable of releasing the other. That is rare for me. Im the "cut your losses and run" queen. Im the fastest person in the world at saying "screw this, Im out". Not this time.
I really don't have much to add. Im content loving her and Im guessing she is content to feel the way she feels for me.
This weekend should be a good test for us. I want to see if the drama we have been through has changed our relationship for the worse. Im sick, so I cant phone sex her to death. She is going to be out of touch for the next few days. I wonder if the distance will make her miss me more or if it will push me out of her mind. I don't think so, because I know she has me in her heart.
Im in such a fog, I cant even really focus on the words I need to say. Im going to cut this short and go medicate. Hopefully I will be more insightful later, and I can add more to the blog. Otherwise Im gonna keep it moving and see where the wind blows us.
Im changing the intro to this blog. I am deleting the part about not being crazy. I am officially insane, just like the rest of these nutty lesbians. Anyone reading the yo-yo of this blog can easily see it, so why deny the facts?
Im feeling so terrible. This flu or whatever is wearing me out. Im trying to keep up a happy face but its so hard. I didnt go to work yesterday, and im only working part of the day today. Im miserable and my bed is calling me.
On to the love stuff. Its fine today, I guess. We talked and decided (again) that we are not ready to let each other go. Its almost comical the way we act. I love her, she loves me. Neither of us is capable of releasing the other. That is rare for me. Im the "cut your losses and run" queen. Im the fastest person in the world at saying "screw this, Im out". Not this time.
I really don't have much to add. Im content loving her and Im guessing she is content to feel the way she feels for me.
This weekend should be a good test for us. I want to see if the drama we have been through has changed our relationship for the worse. Im sick, so I cant phone sex her to death. She is going to be out of touch for the next few days. I wonder if the distance will make her miss me more or if it will push me out of her mind. I don't think so, because I know she has me in her heart.
Im in such a fog, I cant even really focus on the words I need to say. Im going to cut this short and go medicate. Hopefully I will be more insightful later, and I can add more to the blog. Otherwise Im gonna keep it moving and see where the wind blows us.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Not So Great
Today's Mood: So sick, so tired
Im not feeling well at all. Im physically ill. My body aches, my head aches, my throat aches. I can barely move but I have to drag myself into the office in a little while. That sux so bad.
Im also feeling a little blue because of the way things ended with my baby. Its so strange not to look forward to her calls. Not to chat with her all morning.
I don't feel like we have closure yet. We have talked each other to death but we haven't really said goodbye. Not yet, but I feel like its right around the corner.
I think its time for me to go back into my cave. I ventured out for a little while. After my ex and I broke up, I promised myself that I would never be vulnerable again. She hurt me so badly, messed up my own perception of myself. I was never, ever going to let anyone else in, not even a little.
I let this one in. She touched places that nobody ever even knew were there. Sometimes she made me feel things I didnt know I was capable of feeling.
All I know is that this is not going to happen again. Not for a long time, if ever. Im keeping any newcomers at arms length. Im never giving all of myself to anyone again, no way.
Im still in awe at how much she meant to me. I never knew that I could feel like this. Today, Im not even really distraught. Maybe its the massive amounts of cold medicine thats blocking the pain. Im just amazed that I could care so much. I never knew.
Im not feeling well at all. Im physically ill. My body aches, my head aches, my throat aches. I can barely move but I have to drag myself into the office in a little while. That sux so bad.
Im also feeling a little blue because of the way things ended with my baby. Its so strange not to look forward to her calls. Not to chat with her all morning.
I don't feel like we have closure yet. We have talked each other to death but we haven't really said goodbye. Not yet, but I feel like its right around the corner.
I think its time for me to go back into my cave. I ventured out for a little while. After my ex and I broke up, I promised myself that I would never be vulnerable again. She hurt me so badly, messed up my own perception of myself. I was never, ever going to let anyone else in, not even a little.
I let this one in. She touched places that nobody ever even knew were there. Sometimes she made me feel things I didnt know I was capable of feeling.
All I know is that this is not going to happen again. Not for a long time, if ever. Im keeping any newcomers at arms length. Im never giving all of myself to anyone again, no way.
Im still in awe at how much she meant to me. I never knew that I could feel like this. Today, Im not even really distraught. Maybe its the massive amounts of cold medicine thats blocking the pain. Im just amazed that I could care so much. I never knew.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Hmmmmm......
Mood Swing 2000-Currently not happy
I am so totally just ugh right now. I dont know what to do with this girl. Actually, I do know exactly what to do.
Its time for this thing to screech to a halt.
Basically she told me that I can be her piece of azz. I can know that in her heart she loves me but she cannot show me because I will start to have "unrealistic expectations" of where our relationship is going,
Now, hmmmm. I looked back over everything we have discussed. I have never, ever said that I wanted her to leave her wife. I have never ever said to come to me. I have told her that I love her, I have told her that she is the first person that I truly loved.................ugh angry feelings swamping me but Im cool. Im cool. Im cool.
I told her many, MANY times that if she left her wife I wouldnt want her right away. She would have too much healing to do to come to me all incomplete and incoherent and shyt.
Soooooooooooo
I don't see anywhere that I had an unrealistic expectation because she treated me with love, passion, and extravagance of feelings. I dont see anything that said that I was trying to make it anything more than what it is.
Now....She is the one who admits to making things blow all out of proportion. She is the one who was looking at leaving her home. I talked her out of that tree sooooo many times. We were so happy. Things were perfect between us. But SHE is the one who felt like she was starting to want to make changes. Not me.
So her brilliant solution is to pull back, basically let me be a hot piece of SC azz. Soneone that can stimulate her mentally and physically. But someone willing to settle for scraps of meager affection. I can get tons of orgasms and nasty talk. But the tenderness and consideration-um no. The I love yous, the you complete me's....um hell to the no. And she loves me so much that she is asking me to live like this? wow
Oh I know there would be some love u's and whatnot sprinkled in. I get that. But the passion that made this thing worth doing on my side of the table-buh bye. And I reiterate-she loves me sooooo very much that she feels this is good enough for me.
Ummmmm hell no?
I am so totally just ugh right now. I dont know what to do with this girl. Actually, I do know exactly what to do.
Its time for this thing to screech to a halt.
Basically she told me that I can be her piece of azz. I can know that in her heart she loves me but she cannot show me because I will start to have "unrealistic expectations" of where our relationship is going,
Now, hmmmm. I looked back over everything we have discussed. I have never, ever said that I wanted her to leave her wife. I have never ever said to come to me. I have told her that I love her, I have told her that she is the first person that I truly loved.................ugh angry feelings swamping me but Im cool. Im cool. Im cool.
I told her many, MANY times that if she left her wife I wouldnt want her right away. She would have too much healing to do to come to me all incomplete and incoherent and shyt.
Soooooooooooo
I don't see anywhere that I had an unrealistic expectation because she treated me with love, passion, and extravagance of feelings. I dont see anything that said that I was trying to make it anything more than what it is.
Now....She is the one who admits to making things blow all out of proportion. She is the one who was looking at leaving her home. I talked her out of that tree sooooo many times. We were so happy. Things were perfect between us. But SHE is the one who felt like she was starting to want to make changes. Not me.
So her brilliant solution is to pull back, basically let me be a hot piece of SC azz. Soneone that can stimulate her mentally and physically. But someone willing to settle for scraps of meager affection. I can get tons of orgasms and nasty talk. But the tenderness and consideration-um no. The I love yous, the you complete me's....um hell to the no. And she loves me so much that she is asking me to live like this? wow
Oh I know there would be some love u's and whatnot sprinkled in. I get that. But the passion that made this thing worth doing on my side of the table-buh bye. And I reiterate-she loves me sooooo very much that she feels this is good enough for me.
Ummmmm hell no?
No Mo' Blues
Today's Mood: Chillin
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. I woke up to her ringtone and even though we are kinda pulling back a little, I realize that I still get that little jolt when she texts me.
Im not feeling so well physically. The thing is, Im not going to think about it. My back is sore, near my kidney. Yes its a little scary but I don't have any serious health issues in my past. Not relating to kidneys anyway. I have a horrible sore throat and a slight fever. BUT I am not going to let it bring me down. I know that I can think whatever this bug is away.
What I have to do is stay focused on other things, and thats what Im working on. I can forget about being sick if my mind is occupied.
Soooo I guess I can think about relationships and stuff. Hmmmm, what do I need to get off of my chest today? I feel like my walls are up, and I don't know why. When we went through all of that drama a few days ago, I couldn't throw up a wall to save my life. To save my sanity. Now, they just pop up for no good reason.
Its a struggle to write honestly and openly because I know she is (you are) reading this blog from time to time. Its cards on the table, thats why I started it. So here goes.
I guess its so easy to be free and bask in the love that we share when things are not working with her and her wife. Its harder when things are good. At least for me. I start to don my armor because I feel that at any minute things can be cut off. I have to protect myself from the possibility of that occurrence.
There is also a level of guilt when the wife is doing everything she can to work it out. I mean, if she was being a lazy azz (as she was in my opinion.....) then its not so difficult to push her aside and enjoy what we have. But now that she is obviously trying....and succeeding in fulfilling my girl's wishes-then what the hell am I doing? If their home is happy, then I need to ease out of the door. Let them be happy together and stop being a distraction.
Yeah yeah, heard it all before. Been there, done that. yadda yadda. Truth of course is that Im not ready to release her. I love her. But, the wonderful, horrible walls that pop up-man....I hate the way they make my heart feel. They are there for protection, true. But they are like the strongest anesthetic. I feel very little of anything when they kick into gear. I don't know if now that she is on the right track with her partner she will be willing to do the work required to break through them again. Should she even try?
In the past, when the walls came up my lovers would try to get them to recede. Trouble was, I didnt are at all by that point so there was no need for the effort. Now I do care. Probably too much. So the walls are more dense than ever. I take a lot of work and Im just not positive that she needs to put forth that much effort to open me up again. She needs to focus her energy on her blooming relationship with her wife.
Ok Im boring myself with all of this stuff. Should I touch base on the new person? She is trying hard to work her way in. She is calling me a million times, texting me from her jobb throughout the day. Its cute but there is no sizzle. I can't even work up enough vavoom to play with her. She gave me a very nice cd to listen to, but all of the songs remind me of my heart.
I know what I want.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. I woke up to her ringtone and even though we are kinda pulling back a little, I realize that I still get that little jolt when she texts me.
Im not feeling so well physically. The thing is, Im not going to think about it. My back is sore, near my kidney. Yes its a little scary but I don't have any serious health issues in my past. Not relating to kidneys anyway. I have a horrible sore throat and a slight fever. BUT I am not going to let it bring me down. I know that I can think whatever this bug is away.
What I have to do is stay focused on other things, and thats what Im working on. I can forget about being sick if my mind is occupied.
Soooo I guess I can think about relationships and stuff. Hmmmm, what do I need to get off of my chest today? I feel like my walls are up, and I don't know why. When we went through all of that drama a few days ago, I couldn't throw up a wall to save my life. To save my sanity. Now, they just pop up for no good reason.
Its a struggle to write honestly and openly because I know she is (you are) reading this blog from time to time. Its cards on the table, thats why I started it. So here goes.
I guess its so easy to be free and bask in the love that we share when things are not working with her and her wife. Its harder when things are good. At least for me. I start to don my armor because I feel that at any minute things can be cut off. I have to protect myself from the possibility of that occurrence.
There is also a level of guilt when the wife is doing everything she can to work it out. I mean, if she was being a lazy azz (as she was in my opinion.....) then its not so difficult to push her aside and enjoy what we have. But now that she is obviously trying....and succeeding in fulfilling my girl's wishes-then what the hell am I doing? If their home is happy, then I need to ease out of the door. Let them be happy together and stop being a distraction.
Yeah yeah, heard it all before. Been there, done that. yadda yadda. Truth of course is that Im not ready to release her. I love her. But, the wonderful, horrible walls that pop up-man....I hate the way they make my heart feel. They are there for protection, true. But they are like the strongest anesthetic. I feel very little of anything when they kick into gear. I don't know if now that she is on the right track with her partner she will be willing to do the work required to break through them again. Should she even try?
In the past, when the walls came up my lovers would try to get them to recede. Trouble was, I didnt are at all by that point so there was no need for the effort. Now I do care. Probably too much. So the walls are more dense than ever. I take a lot of work and Im just not positive that she needs to put forth that much effort to open me up again. She needs to focus her energy on her blooming relationship with her wife.
Ok Im boring myself with all of this stuff. Should I touch base on the new person? She is trying hard to work her way in. She is calling me a million times, texting me from her jobb throughout the day. Its cute but there is no sizzle. I can't even work up enough vavoom to play with her. She gave me a very nice cd to listen to, but all of the songs remind me of my heart.
I know what I want.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Mundane Monday
Today's Mood: Blah
This post is probably going to be an 'eh type of post. Im so bland today. I feel like I could just get in the bed and stay there. Not depressed, not...anything.
This weekend was so good. I went out with the girls and had wayyyy too much to drink. While I was out, I bumped into an old acquaintance. Someone that I always thought was sexy. Now we are both single, and sort of connected.
That sounds so crazy to put into words, especially since this entire blog is the result of my tumultuous relationship with my Baby. I don't really want to be with this new person, but it is interesting to actually have any level of....Oh I don't know....curiosity might be the best word.
At any rate, she is not trying to be in a relationship and neither am I. She is just getting out of something. My heart belongs to someone who belongs to someone else. Wow, that sounds like some L-word type of bullcrap.
Then, my friend told me that she and her wife really had an awesome, sexually charged weekend. I don't know how to feel about that. Im a little jealous, I guess. If Im fully honest, I can say that it does make me pause when they get into their groove. Really, what is the point in dealing with me if all of that is working so well?
The craziest thing is that I guess my feelings hit overload. Now I just feel blah and bland. Im not worried, sad, angry, anything. Im not feeling loving, sexual, just nothing. So weird. No emotions about her, none about the new person. Just nothing.
I told her last week that I needed something. I don't know what it is. We agreed to chill on the lovey mushy stuff. That left the friendship and sexual parts. We fully explored all of that last week. It was not enough for me. It was the first time I felt that I was a mistress. Ive never felt that before. When we took the love piece out of the puzzle, it really threw me off.
I guess the question is what do we need to do to harmonize the concert of our feelings. I have no earthly idea.
As far as the other girl, she is really nice but Im not sure about her either. But...I don't have to worry about her right now. We went out on one date. She is cute, sexy, smart. She also wants another date. I have not decided what to do yet. Again, I don't have to worry about all of that right now.
You can see my mood. Eh. Thats about it. I dont have the energy to try to work on any of the little situations that are spinning around my life.
I always put my girl first. I put her feelings first. Her needs. She never asked me to but I do. I need someone to worry about how I feel first. One day that will be the case, but for now, I just will sit here on 'Eh.
This post is probably going to be an 'eh type of post. Im so bland today. I feel like I could just get in the bed and stay there. Not depressed, not...anything.
This weekend was so good. I went out with the girls and had wayyyy too much to drink. While I was out, I bumped into an old acquaintance. Someone that I always thought was sexy. Now we are both single, and sort of connected.
That sounds so crazy to put into words, especially since this entire blog is the result of my tumultuous relationship with my Baby. I don't really want to be with this new person, but it is interesting to actually have any level of....Oh I don't know....curiosity might be the best word.
At any rate, she is not trying to be in a relationship and neither am I. She is just getting out of something. My heart belongs to someone who belongs to someone else. Wow, that sounds like some L-word type of bullcrap.
Then, my friend told me that she and her wife really had an awesome, sexually charged weekend. I don't know how to feel about that. Im a little jealous, I guess. If Im fully honest, I can say that it does make me pause when they get into their groove. Really, what is the point in dealing with me if all of that is working so well?
The craziest thing is that I guess my feelings hit overload. Now I just feel blah and bland. Im not worried, sad, angry, anything. Im not feeling loving, sexual, just nothing. So weird. No emotions about her, none about the new person. Just nothing.
I told her last week that I needed something. I don't know what it is. We agreed to chill on the lovey mushy stuff. That left the friendship and sexual parts. We fully explored all of that last week. It was not enough for me. It was the first time I felt that I was a mistress. Ive never felt that before. When we took the love piece out of the puzzle, it really threw me off.
I guess the question is what do we need to do to harmonize the concert of our feelings. I have no earthly idea.
As far as the other girl, she is really nice but Im not sure about her either. But...I don't have to worry about her right now. We went out on one date. She is cute, sexy, smart. She also wants another date. I have not decided what to do yet. Again, I don't have to worry about all of that right now.
You can see my mood. Eh. Thats about it. I dont have the energy to try to work on any of the little situations that are spinning around my life.
I always put my girl first. I put her feelings first. Her needs. She never asked me to but I do. I need someone to worry about how I feel first. One day that will be the case, but for now, I just will sit here on 'Eh.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Freaky Friggin Friday
Today's Mood: Hating work, loving lemon drop martinis for lunch
I am totally in a happy place today. My day started with a little cyber luvin, and moved on to some quality time with my sweetheart. I act all spoiled sometimes, like Im pouting if we don't get enough time together. Seriously, I cherish each second that we share. The key word is quality, We do talk and text ALOT. But there are times we want each other that we are not available. The funniest thing is that with the exception of the weekends, we spend almost as much time as any normal couple would spend together. In fact, we probably communicate more.
We talk every morning for a couple of hours. Then we talk throughout the day, numerous times. If we don't actually talk, we text. Then we conclude each day with another conversation. We also email each other from time to time.
I think thats a lot. Its definitely enough.
I am totally in a happy place today. My day started with a little cyber luvin, and moved on to some quality time with my sweetheart. I act all spoiled sometimes, like Im pouting if we don't get enough time together. Seriously, I cherish each second that we share. The key word is quality, We do talk and text ALOT. But there are times we want each other that we are not available. The funniest thing is that with the exception of the weekends, we spend almost as much time as any normal couple would spend together. In fact, we probably communicate more.
We talk every morning for a couple of hours. Then we talk throughout the day, numerous times. If we don't actually talk, we text. Then we conclude each day with another conversation. We also email each other from time to time.
I think thats a lot. Its definitely enough.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Thursday Morning
Today's Mood: Bipolar-Happy and Irritated at the same time...Go Figure
Ok this is a short little check in.
I started this day off feeling like my feet were nowhere near the ground. The kids were good, the day is beautiful. My girl is still amazing (we are doing well 2.5 days and counting....) lol.
I came into my hellish job feeling like my happiness force field was in effect. It took less than 52 minutes for my asinine boss and even more idiotic client to get on my nerves. These men...Ugh. I never look back and say I miss dating men. I don't even know why anyone would opt to deal with these jerks. Ok, I know Im being all dramatic (also known as dramatical in the words of my hero Flava Flave). I know I am prone to exaggerate. But this dude had the gall to tell me I wouldnt be tired if I kept my legs out the air and my feet off the ceiling.......Who the hell does he think he is???!! I am administration. He is a student....If I was a heffa I would tell the person in human resources about what he said. He is obviously in dire need of an education, so I will just let the fact that I told him off be the end of that.
I will check back in later. Today is going to be busy so I guess tonight will be a recap.
Ok this is a short little check in.
I started this day off feeling like my feet were nowhere near the ground. The kids were good, the day is beautiful. My girl is still amazing (we are doing well 2.5 days and counting....) lol.
I came into my hellish job feeling like my happiness force field was in effect. It took less than 52 minutes for my asinine boss and even more idiotic client to get on my nerves. These men...Ugh. I never look back and say I miss dating men. I don't even know why anyone would opt to deal with these jerks. Ok, I know Im being all dramatic (also known as dramatical in the words of my hero Flava Flave). I know I am prone to exaggerate. But this dude had the gall to tell me I wouldnt be tired if I kept my legs out the air and my feet off the ceiling.......Who the hell does he think he is???!! I am administration. He is a student....If I was a heffa I would tell the person in human resources about what he said. He is obviously in dire need of an education, so I will just let the fact that I told him off be the end of that.
I will check back in later. Today is going to be busy so I guess tonight will be a recap.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Harmony and Hedonism
Today's Mood: Totally, Unequivocally, Outrageously Horny
Wow. What a difference a day makes. We started out on fire. I was blazing from the moment I heard her ringtone. I guess our little conversation last night ignited something in both of us.
We have the most amazing non-physical physical connection. When we come (cum) together on the phone, its mindblowing. I have had better phone sex with her than actual sex with other people. Normally that would be a sad statement but I have had some pretty great sex in my time. The way we mentally stimulate each other is just unbelievable. Our sounds....I swear I can feel her when we play. I can smell her scent. I....
Im not going to talk about all of that. Amazing phone sex, sexy whimpers, yadda yadda. Yes its very different and its wonderful but thats not what is on my mind right at this moment.
My girl is amazing in so many other ways. I have never felt so special. She is a million miles away but I feel like she is right here. I wake up with her almost every morning. She kisses me goodnight every night. I love it.
But you know, I dont really want to talk about how close we are either.
Hmmm, what is on my heart today? Honestly, Im so aroused and tired...I feel like I have had sex all day. Really I have. Its so cool when two creative and imaginative people come together. We can play head games infinitely. And we do.
I would love to creep inside her mind and find out the things she thinks but does not say. While she is so very verbal...(more on that later...) I know there are a lot of things she keeps inside. She mentioned my layers. I know Im hard to really get to know. She is easier than me but I want to keep going deeper and deeper.
I also want to make her happier than she ever has been. Every now and then I hear a little wistfulness. I want to take that from her tone permanently. I want to erase anything that makes her dimple go away, even for a split second. She often says I want to ease her away from her wife and I don't. What I do want? I want....everything she gives me. She makes me feel so many things and Im hooked. I don't want her to leave her wife. The reason is simple and stupid. If she had to end her relationship, it would devastate her and cause so much pain. I don't want her to hurt.
As long as we do this, she has the best of both worlds. I know I bring everything she wants from her wife. She doesn't realize that she gives me the things that I always wanted. So I really, truly want things the way they are. In my heart of hearts, I guess I can admit that I feel a little scared. I don't know if I am ENOUGH for her. I mean, maybe I won't measure up to her wife. I would hate for her to leap over here and be disappointed by my reality. Maybe Im just good for the good times and not capable of maintaining a real relationship with someone like her. Maybe after the new-car-smell wears off she will see that Im a Nissan, not a Lexus. I don't know.
Ah whatever. Im too happy to worry about all of that. I just love her so. Im back on my pink fluffy cloud. Im disgustingly satisfied with the way we are right now.
I would give anything just to make her smile. She is so...everything. I enjoy just listening to her voice so much. You know, sometimes she will say the silliest and most unexpected things. I have to pause and mentally replay whatever she said before I fall out laughing. Other times she is so smart and serious. Then, like the last few days, she is the most retarded and slow person imaginable. I love the reveal. I hope to be learning things about her 4 years from now.
Ok, its time to log out of this thing. A lot of words saying much of nothing. I have to do better. Right now, I don't have any earth shattering, illuminating deep feelings. Im just happy and horny. Light. Its a great feeling. Thank you, Baby. What you do, and don't even KNOW you do, priceless.
Wow. What a difference a day makes. We started out on fire. I was blazing from the moment I heard her ringtone. I guess our little conversation last night ignited something in both of us.
We have the most amazing non-physical physical connection. When we come (cum) together on the phone, its mindblowing. I have had better phone sex with her than actual sex with other people. Normally that would be a sad statement but I have had some pretty great sex in my time. The way we mentally stimulate each other is just unbelievable. Our sounds....I swear I can feel her when we play. I can smell her scent. I....
Im not going to talk about all of that. Amazing phone sex, sexy whimpers, yadda yadda. Yes its very different and its wonderful but thats not what is on my mind right at this moment.
My girl is amazing in so many other ways. I have never felt so special. She is a million miles away but I feel like she is right here. I wake up with her almost every morning. She kisses me goodnight every night. I love it.
But you know, I dont really want to talk about how close we are either.
Hmmm, what is on my heart today? Honestly, Im so aroused and tired...I feel like I have had sex all day. Really I have. Its so cool when two creative and imaginative people come together. We can play head games infinitely. And we do.
I would love to creep inside her mind and find out the things she thinks but does not say. While she is so very verbal...(more on that later...) I know there are a lot of things she keeps inside. She mentioned my layers. I know Im hard to really get to know. She is easier than me but I want to keep going deeper and deeper.
I also want to make her happier than she ever has been. Every now and then I hear a little wistfulness. I want to take that from her tone permanently. I want to erase anything that makes her dimple go away, even for a split second. She often says I want to ease her away from her wife and I don't. What I do want? I want....everything she gives me. She makes me feel so many things and Im hooked. I don't want her to leave her wife. The reason is simple and stupid. If she had to end her relationship, it would devastate her and cause so much pain. I don't want her to hurt.
As long as we do this, she has the best of both worlds. I know I bring everything she wants from her wife. She doesn't realize that she gives me the things that I always wanted. So I really, truly want things the way they are. In my heart of hearts, I guess I can admit that I feel a little scared. I don't know if I am ENOUGH for her. I mean, maybe I won't measure up to her wife. I would hate for her to leap over here and be disappointed by my reality. Maybe Im just good for the good times and not capable of maintaining a real relationship with someone like her. Maybe after the new-car-smell wears off she will see that Im a Nissan, not a Lexus. I don't know.
Ah whatever. Im too happy to worry about all of that. I just love her so. Im back on my pink fluffy cloud. Im disgustingly satisfied with the way we are right now.
I would give anything just to make her smile. She is so...everything. I enjoy just listening to her voice so much. You know, sometimes she will say the silliest and most unexpected things. I have to pause and mentally replay whatever she said before I fall out laughing. Other times she is so smart and serious. Then, like the last few days, she is the most retarded and slow person imaginable. I love the reveal. I hope to be learning things about her 4 years from now.
Ok, its time to log out of this thing. A lot of words saying much of nothing. I have to do better. Right now, I don't have any earth shattering, illuminating deep feelings. Im just happy and horny. Light. Its a great feeling. Thank you, Baby. What you do, and don't even KNOW you do, priceless.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Final Thoughts Of A Wicked Day
Mood of the Moment: Hmmmm, Horny! Peaceful? Tired.
We are finally finished with this day. With this mess. We have hopefully turned a corner and are ready to move on. Will we make it? Will we crash and burn? Who knows?
Right now I don't care. I have my baby back for as long as I have her. Thats all that really matters. A few minutes sharing this inexplicable love is worth so much more than an eternity of ignorance to the depths of emotions that she has pulled from my core.
I can bask in the melody of her special laugh that I feel is just for my personal enjoyment...Knowing that she is smiling that dimpled smile even though she doesnt want to...I love knowing that my control freak of a woman has extremely limited control when it comes to me....I love spinning my sexual web and capturing that part of her that is unrelentingly mine. I love it when she mentally says "fuck it" and comes to me with open arms.
I love her.
We are finally finished with this day. With this mess. We have hopefully turned a corner and are ready to move on. Will we make it? Will we crash and burn? Who knows?
Right now I don't care. I have my baby back for as long as I have her. Thats all that really matters. A few minutes sharing this inexplicable love is worth so much more than an eternity of ignorance to the depths of emotions that she has pulled from my core.
I can bask in the melody of her special laugh that I feel is just for my personal enjoyment...Knowing that she is smiling that dimpled smile even though she doesnt want to...I love knowing that my control freak of a woman has extremely limited control when it comes to me....I love spinning my sexual web and capturing that part of her that is unrelentingly mine. I love it when she mentally says "fuck it" and comes to me with open arms.
I love her.
Part Two of Tuesday
Mood of the Moment: Pissy and Irritable.
Ok I am so glad that there is hardly anyone reading this blog. I am as sick of talking about this bullshyt drama as I am sure anyone would be of listening to it.
Today started out ok. There was a little tension, but overall we had agreed to just enjoy each other. Apparently thats not going to work. It seems that loving me and her partner is just way too much work and effort. Instead of me being the positive flavor that seasons her life, I guess Im just another stressor.
I did not sign up for that, for real. If I cant bring laughter and joy, with a little sexuality-why do it? I want to be a light, not a weight. Its so easy for us to just love each other, but all of this stuff we are going through is going to drown our feelings. I already feel like Im creeping towards my safe place. I am not quite ready to run away, but Im ok with sitting in my chair and watching her do this tango that she insists on doing. It does not have to be so complicated.
Maybe my side of the problem is more simple. I dont have anyone to worry about except myself and her. I understand that she has to worry about all 3 of us. I guess if I was to give her advice, I would ask why does she need all 3? Whats missing?
I feel in my heart that its definitely time to step back and just protect myself. I see a razor-sharp ending flying towards me. We just went through something that caused an unbearable pain unlike any Ive ever known. While Im still numb and healing, I think its best if I cut myself off from the emotional flood we share. Its much easier to stay numb right now. Im not crying, I dont even want to cry.
If anything I got a bit angry with her. We mutually agreed that its harder to be apart than to be together. Then after I finally open up my heart (again) and decide that taking a chance on not being hurt again is worth it for her.....When I trust her to be gentle with me knowing how fragile my heart is....She pulls all of this questioning stuff all over again.
I guess here on MY blog, I can be as open as I want to be. I have to say that I think this whole thing is unnecessary. It is. Im not the most open person in the world, and I let her in. I am ultimately PISSED that she is so lost in feeling confused and guilty that she is not seeing how much I am giving to her. She does not realize the total value of what she has with me. Not that Im all that. Its just that, to me, the gift of myself is something I never shared with anyone.
I know she appreciates how much we share, but dang. I am giving her something that is to me worth more than gold. Its a reflection of how much I really care.
Anyway, like I said. Im over all of this mess. Either she is going to love me like I need to be loved, like she KNOWS how to love me; or she is going to flipflop around until all she has left is her girlfriend. She revealed today (and you know, Im not even sure she realized that she let this slip) that she has dibbled before. She just never fell for any other girl before me. That should tell her that she is not where she needs to be. She has been stepping outside the relationship for a minute. If all was so perfect at home, there would be no other distraction.
Wow, I am really pissed-lol. I guess I have stepford-wife tendencies and I block out any negative aspects of my personality. I try to always be the giver, comforter, nurturer. I take things in stride, even when Im hurt or angry I try to make sure the hurter/angerer is ok, while I smother my real feelings.
Well, not today. My azz is pissed. I think this is so insane. I want to say "Dude, love me or let me go" and be done with it. This waffling and trippin has got to go. Im supposed to sit on how I feel, hold back my feelings until she can cope with hers. What about me? One of the things that made me fall for her was the fact that she always treated me like I was the most important person to her. Now she is treating my feelings like they are inconsequential. I don't need to feel like that. We never had problems like this.
I think she is partially trying to push me away, and its working. If she makes me walk away, maybe she wont feel like she hurt me. Maybe she wont feel guilty. I don't know.
I dont want to think anything negative about my friend. We have an unbelievable bond, chemistry, romance, all of that bullcrap. The only thing is that we have this big hurdle to get past and she is not trying to make it work.
Ok, Im not going to think about it anymore. I want to punch something or someone. Life is not fair. I feel like I have been through enough already without all of this drama. I don't need it or want it. I have lived through enough pain already. Something has to give.
Ok I am so glad that there is hardly anyone reading this blog. I am as sick of talking about this bullshyt drama as I am sure anyone would be of listening to it.
Today started out ok. There was a little tension, but overall we had agreed to just enjoy each other. Apparently thats not going to work. It seems that loving me and her partner is just way too much work and effort. Instead of me being the positive flavor that seasons her life, I guess Im just another stressor.
I did not sign up for that, for real. If I cant bring laughter and joy, with a little sexuality-why do it? I want to be a light, not a weight. Its so easy for us to just love each other, but all of this stuff we are going through is going to drown our feelings. I already feel like Im creeping towards my safe place. I am not quite ready to run away, but Im ok with sitting in my chair and watching her do this tango that she insists on doing. It does not have to be so complicated.
Maybe my side of the problem is more simple. I dont have anyone to worry about except myself and her. I understand that she has to worry about all 3 of us. I guess if I was to give her advice, I would ask why does she need all 3? Whats missing?
I feel in my heart that its definitely time to step back and just protect myself. I see a razor-sharp ending flying towards me. We just went through something that caused an unbearable pain unlike any Ive ever known. While Im still numb and healing, I think its best if I cut myself off from the emotional flood we share. Its much easier to stay numb right now. Im not crying, I dont even want to cry.
If anything I got a bit angry with her. We mutually agreed that its harder to be apart than to be together. Then after I finally open up my heart (again) and decide that taking a chance on not being hurt again is worth it for her.....When I trust her to be gentle with me knowing how fragile my heart is....She pulls all of this questioning stuff all over again.
I guess here on MY blog, I can be as open as I want to be. I have to say that I think this whole thing is unnecessary. It is. Im not the most open person in the world, and I let her in. I am ultimately PISSED that she is so lost in feeling confused and guilty that she is not seeing how much I am giving to her. She does not realize the total value of what she has with me. Not that Im all that. Its just that, to me, the gift of myself is something I never shared with anyone.
I know she appreciates how much we share, but dang. I am giving her something that is to me worth more than gold. Its a reflection of how much I really care.
Anyway, like I said. Im over all of this mess. Either she is going to love me like I need to be loved, like she KNOWS how to love me; or she is going to flipflop around until all she has left is her girlfriend. She revealed today (and you know, Im not even sure she realized that she let this slip) that she has dibbled before. She just never fell for any other girl before me. That should tell her that she is not where she needs to be. She has been stepping outside the relationship for a minute. If all was so perfect at home, there would be no other distraction.
Wow, I am really pissed-lol. I guess I have stepford-wife tendencies and I block out any negative aspects of my personality. I try to always be the giver, comforter, nurturer. I take things in stride, even when Im hurt or angry I try to make sure the hurter/angerer is ok, while I smother my real feelings.
Well, not today. My azz is pissed. I think this is so insane. I want to say "Dude, love me or let me go" and be done with it. This waffling and trippin has got to go. Im supposed to sit on how I feel, hold back my feelings until she can cope with hers. What about me? One of the things that made me fall for her was the fact that she always treated me like I was the most important person to her. Now she is treating my feelings like they are inconsequential. I don't need to feel like that. We never had problems like this.
I think she is partially trying to push me away, and its working. If she makes me walk away, maybe she wont feel like she hurt me. Maybe she wont feel guilty. I don't know.
I dont want to think anything negative about my friend. We have an unbelievable bond, chemistry, romance, all of that bullcrap. The only thing is that we have this big hurdle to get past and she is not trying to make it work.
Ok, Im not going to think about it anymore. I want to punch something or someone. Life is not fair. I feel like I have been through enough already without all of this drama. I don't need it or want it. I have lived through enough pain already. Something has to give.
Another Day..
Today we are in another mode. Its a wary mode. We agreed to just be with each other but we both know we have some healing to do. She is confused about how she can love me so much but still love her wife. I understand that. She is not leaving her home and at this point I don't want her to.
Its not an option.
So, here we are. We are just going to accept that it is what it is.
This memo is going to be very short. I will have to check in later because Im running late for work. I just wanted to come in and breathe for a minute.
Its not an option.
So, here we are. We are just going to accept that it is what it is.
This memo is going to be very short. I will have to check in later because Im running late for work. I just wanted to come in and breathe for a minute.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Blowing Up
Creepin-In-From-Work-Mood: Tired
Today we spent all day blowing up each others cell phones with text messages. Nothing was resolved. The only thing that came fromit was that we know we care for each other, just not enough to make things work between us.
Im past sad about all of this. Its too much. A heart's fragments can shatter only so many times. Whats left of my soul is smaller than a speck of dust. I truly am ready to not even think about all of this mess anymore. If she wants to sex me, we can do that. I don't want to think about how perfect we would be together. Im tired. Sick. Done.
I know she is tired too. This is emotionally exhausting. Its almost to the point where it will just be easier to say screw it. At least I think thats where this is heading. I can't even think about it anymore.
Today we spent all day blowing up each others cell phones with text messages. Nothing was resolved. The only thing that came fromit was that we know we care for each other, just not enough to make things work between us.
Im past sad about all of this. Its too much. A heart's fragments can shatter only so many times. Whats left of my soul is smaller than a speck of dust. I truly am ready to not even think about all of this mess anymore. If she wants to sex me, we can do that. I don't want to think about how perfect we would be together. Im tired. Sick. Done.
I know she is tired too. This is emotionally exhausting. Its almost to the point where it will just be easier to say screw it. At least I think thats where this is heading. I can't even think about it anymore.
We decided to pick things up where we left off and stop trippin. I will see if we can because there has been a subtle shift in our relationship. Its taken on a more dense substance. We knew that there was emotion and love but now there is a....something. Neither of us wants to let the other go. She does not want to let her girl go, but she loves me now and we are barely getting started. We have happiness together and that is what it is.
Oh man. Too much drama.
Grief
Today's Mood is currently blue.
Grief is what Im feeling right now. I talked to "her". We are not going to be able to deal with each other as friends. We keep deluding ourselvs into thinking that we can go back to that place.
I love her. I hate the way this is going down. I get so angry because in my heart I want her to be with me. Im not that person, though. I can't and won't tell her to come to me, not ever again will I even try to entice her.
We were talking about the fact that I will never let anyone into my soul again. And I won't. That is a fact. She accused me of being lazy. Of settling for contentment when I can simply take a chance on being happy. Happier than I was with her, given her situation. That really made me angry. She is the one settling for content. She knows in her heart that what we had was beyond imagination. We were so perfect in every way. She is content in her relationship, but not HAPPY. She is happy with their friendship and companionship. She is happy enough (her words) not to be ready to make any moves. But yet Im wrong for not ever wanting to feel this grief again? Im wrong for letting content be my goal?
I keep telling myself that I will not cry over her again. But Im crying now. Great, right before I have to go to work. Its not a pretty soft cry either. Its a boo-hoo heartbreaking sort of meltdown cry. I wish someone would tell me how to get rid of these feelings.
Im angry because this is so much easier for her. She can see herself without me but I can't see my life without her in it. Im hurting so much right now and she seems to be dealing with the death of our love so much better. I can barely breathe. I am usually so detached but not for anything can I pull myself out of this tailspin. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I love her. Its amazing to me. Im this old and have finally fallen in love with someone with my entire being. My dumb azz heart has to beat in rhythm with someone who is not free to be with me.
Grief is what Im feeling right now. I talked to "her". We are not going to be able to deal with each other as friends. We keep deluding ourselvs into thinking that we can go back to that place.
I love her. I hate the way this is going down. I get so angry because in my heart I want her to be with me. Im not that person, though. I can't and won't tell her to come to me, not ever again will I even try to entice her.
We were talking about the fact that I will never let anyone into my soul again. And I won't. That is a fact. She accused me of being lazy. Of settling for contentment when I can simply take a chance on being happy. Happier than I was with her, given her situation. That really made me angry. She is the one settling for content. She knows in her heart that what we had was beyond imagination. We were so perfect in every way. She is content in her relationship, but not HAPPY. She is happy with their friendship and companionship. She is happy enough (her words) not to be ready to make any moves. But yet Im wrong for not ever wanting to feel this grief again? Im wrong for letting content be my goal?
I keep telling myself that I will not cry over her again. But Im crying now. Great, right before I have to go to work. Its not a pretty soft cry either. Its a boo-hoo heartbreaking sort of meltdown cry. I wish someone would tell me how to get rid of these feelings.
Im angry because this is so much easier for her. She can see herself without me but I can't see my life without her in it. Im hurting so much right now and she seems to be dealing with the death of our love so much better. I can barely breathe. I am usually so detached but not for anything can I pull myself out of this tailspin. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I love her. Its amazing to me. Im this old and have finally fallen in love with someone with my entire being. My dumb azz heart has to beat in rhythm with someone who is not free to be with me.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
The Reason For This Blog....
Today's Mood---Duh, Guess
I started this blog today because I have a lot of "stuff" that I want to get off of my chest. I will start out by saying that no names will ever be stated here, just in case...
Y'all, I am 38 years old. I have 2 kids. Ive been engaged 2 times. My life changed when I turned 30. I lost about 45lbs and decided that men are not for me. I had a one nighter with a chick. While it was not all of that, it opened my eyes that I love women and they love me.
Thats the backstory, so lets flash forward to today. I have been in 2 longterm relationships with women. Last year I finally got free and started living the single life. I have dated quite a few girls since then, having a blast. I am so lucky. I usually find good girls who have careers, education, etc. Of course, smarts and $$ does not cure psycho-tivity (yeah I know) but the journey has been fun.
Until just now. I met this girl. Yall, she was so perfect for me. She was cute, sexy, smart. She has the best head on her shoulders. We clicked like we were made for each other. The sensual part of our lives-perfection. There was nothing wrong. Well, except that she was married to this other woman....I know-BAD BAD BAD. But it happened. How do you fight it when you find your other half? We both tried to be "friends' Yuck. I hate the heck out of that word. Friends lasted exactly a hot second. Then we started the emotional freight train that just flattened my soul.
We had the best time phone and cyber freaking each other to death. We connected on so many levels. When we finally consumated this thing, omg. Perfect. We are so totally compatible. But then, when guilt took over, we (me, withmy dumb self) decided to end it and let her see where her relationship was going to go.
I have never cried so many tears in my life. Yall, I feel like someone literally ripped out all of my organs and left me with just a shell. I cannot eat, sleep, or function. Im forgetting simple things like my social security number. I went to my car earlier today and forgot where I was supposed to be going.
When she calls, oh lawd. I try so hard to hide the pain that sears through my soul. I laugh and talk like everything is all good. It is not. Its not even ok. I fell in love for the first time in my entire life. How did this happen? You know, I am always the therapist for my friends when they go through drama. I always assure them that things are going to be fine, that they are better off without the slug (or sluggette). I give them strength. Hell, I even gave it to her when she and her wifey were going through things. Nobody is here for me. Everyone thinks Im so freakin wise and strong when inside, I am a crumbly, destroyed, devastated mess.
I don't know how to handle this. I medicated with tequila and sake all weekend. That did help for a while, but now I have a headache warring with my heartache. I do have a j.o.b. so drinking myself into a stupor is not an option during the week.
I know I was so wrong to let things go this far with a married woman. I have never met anyone who affected me like she does. I feel her across all the miles that separate us. I think she is the most beautiful, sexy, caring person. I know this is hurting her as well. It hurts her to know that I am hurting. That makes me hurt even more. Crazy, huh?
She used to text me every morning around 6:15 cst. She is on the east coast so it was not such an insane time. I loved waking to her ringtone every day. Will she call in the morning? Will it make me cry again? Probably. She doesn't want to let me go. We used to joke about Pavlov. How everytime we heard the others voice we would instantly grin, blush, get wet. Now I get wet in another area. My eyes. I have yet to have a conversation with her, a thought about her, without tears breaking free.
Im a femme girl, yall. But... I am that strange femme who knows how to hold her emotions inside. I truly have some stud tendencies. I never cry. Ive made all of my stud girlfriends cry when I broke up with them for being idiots. We can talk about that another time, when Im not feeling so grim. I never open up my soul to anyone, not since my grandmother died about 13 years ago. Nobody has touched me since then. I am not equipped to handle this type of pain, and I know that what we are doing by ending this glorious relationship is for the best. It is the right thing to do.
What do I do now? It was ok to cry and stay in bed between drunken binges this weekend. How do I function at work? How do I not burst into tears when she calls or texts? I actually ran out of the office bawling on friday. My coworkers know that Im gay. They were all at my desk trying to calm me down when I returned. This is SO not me. Im the rock, the ice queen. Im the one with a lightswitch in my heart that shuts off at any sign of impending danger.
I guess I won't die but it feels like I have already died 10 times. I feel empty, broken, and just gray.
I started this blog today because I have a lot of "stuff" that I want to get off of my chest. I will start out by saying that no names will ever be stated here, just in case...
Y'all, I am 38 years old. I have 2 kids. Ive been engaged 2 times. My life changed when I turned 30. I lost about 45lbs and decided that men are not for me. I had a one nighter with a chick. While it was not all of that, it opened my eyes that I love women and they love me.
Thats the backstory, so lets flash forward to today. I have been in 2 longterm relationships with women. Last year I finally got free and started living the single life. I have dated quite a few girls since then, having a blast. I am so lucky. I usually find good girls who have careers, education, etc. Of course, smarts and $$ does not cure psycho-tivity (yeah I know) but the journey has been fun.
Until just now. I met this girl. Yall, she was so perfect for me. She was cute, sexy, smart. She has the best head on her shoulders. We clicked like we were made for each other. The sensual part of our lives-perfection. There was nothing wrong. Well, except that she was married to this other woman....I know-BAD BAD BAD. But it happened. How do you fight it when you find your other half? We both tried to be "friends' Yuck. I hate the heck out of that word. Friends lasted exactly a hot second. Then we started the emotional freight train that just flattened my soul.
We had the best time phone and cyber freaking each other to death. We connected on so many levels. When we finally consumated this thing, omg. Perfect. We are so totally compatible. But then, when guilt took over, we (me, withmy dumb self) decided to end it and let her see where her relationship was going to go.
I have never cried so many tears in my life. Yall, I feel like someone literally ripped out all of my organs and left me with just a shell. I cannot eat, sleep, or function. Im forgetting simple things like my social security number. I went to my car earlier today and forgot where I was supposed to be going.
When she calls, oh lawd. I try so hard to hide the pain that sears through my soul. I laugh and talk like everything is all good. It is not. Its not even ok. I fell in love for the first time in my entire life. How did this happen? You know, I am always the therapist for my friends when they go through drama. I always assure them that things are going to be fine, that they are better off without the slug (or sluggette). I give them strength. Hell, I even gave it to her when she and her wifey were going through things. Nobody is here for me. Everyone thinks Im so freakin wise and strong when inside, I am a crumbly, destroyed, devastated mess.
I don't know how to handle this. I medicated with tequila and sake all weekend. That did help for a while, but now I have a headache warring with my heartache. I do have a j.o.b. so drinking myself into a stupor is not an option during the week.
I know I was so wrong to let things go this far with a married woman. I have never met anyone who affected me like she does. I feel her across all the miles that separate us. I think she is the most beautiful, sexy, caring person. I know this is hurting her as well. It hurts her to know that I am hurting. That makes me hurt even more. Crazy, huh?
She used to text me every morning around 6:15 cst. She is on the east coast so it was not such an insane time. I loved waking to her ringtone every day. Will she call in the morning? Will it make me cry again? Probably. She doesn't want to let me go. We used to joke about Pavlov. How everytime we heard the others voice we would instantly grin, blush, get wet. Now I get wet in another area. My eyes. I have yet to have a conversation with her, a thought about her, without tears breaking free.
Im a femme girl, yall. But... I am that strange femme who knows how to hold her emotions inside. I truly have some stud tendencies. I never cry. Ive made all of my stud girlfriends cry when I broke up with them for being idiots. We can talk about that another time, when Im not feeling so grim. I never open up my soul to anyone, not since my grandmother died about 13 years ago. Nobody has touched me since then. I am not equipped to handle this type of pain, and I know that what we are doing by ending this glorious relationship is for the best. It is the right thing to do.
What do I do now? It was ok to cry and stay in bed between drunken binges this weekend. How do I function at work? How do I not burst into tears when she calls or texts? I actually ran out of the office bawling on friday. My coworkers know that Im gay. They were all at my desk trying to calm me down when I returned. This is SO not me. Im the rock, the ice queen. Im the one with a lightswitch in my heart that shuts off at any sign of impending danger.
I guess I won't die but it feels like I have already died 10 times. I feel empty, broken, and just gray.
Welcome To My Life
Hello, whoever.
Let me introduce myself. I am a "mature" lesbian who is living single for the first time ever in her life. I have been single for about a year. Since I came into the life, I have gone from one longterm relationship right into another.
This time around, I am being much more carefree. Those of you who are familiar with "lezbo-speak" known what I mean when I say that every girl I meet wants to wife me. Im not having it. Im not saying Im a hoe, but Im not tryin to be a housewife either.
So this blog...hmm. I guess it will have a little about me, my crazy life, the things I do, and the fools...uh I mean women....that I encounter. Im sure I will include stuff from my jobs, my family, whatever.
A little about me-Im kinda thick, sexy, funny. I love to crack jokes. I am a writer, at least in my own mind. The thing is that while my career has me always in the spotlight and meeting tons of people, I am very much isolated. I don't have many people that I would call real friends. So I will come here and open up my soul for whatever strangers happen to stumble into this page.
I hope its not too boring-lolol. If it is, too dayum bad.
Let me introduce myself. I am a "mature" lesbian who is living single for the first time ever in her life. I have been single for about a year. Since I came into the life, I have gone from one longterm relationship right into another.
This time around, I am being much more carefree. Those of you who are familiar with "lezbo-speak" known what I mean when I say that every girl I meet wants to wife me. Im not having it. Im not saying Im a hoe, but Im not tryin to be a housewife either.
So this blog...hmm. I guess it will have a little about me, my crazy life, the things I do, and the fools...uh I mean women....that I encounter. Im sure I will include stuff from my jobs, my family, whatever.
A little about me-Im kinda thick, sexy, funny. I love to crack jokes. I am a writer, at least in my own mind. The thing is that while my career has me always in the spotlight and meeting tons of people, I am very much isolated. I don't have many people that I would call real friends. So I will come here and open up my soul for whatever strangers happen to stumble into this page.
I hope its not too boring-lolol. If it is, too dayum bad.
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