Today's Mood: Curious and Weird
Today has been interesting, and yet not really. LOL. I woke up, worked out, ate healthy stuff all day. I had some great news-found out that one of the dominoes that needed to fall into place fell.
I enjoyed a peaceful day, hung out with my son. It was interesting because I spent time online with my friends. I got a lot of insight into where she is with her relationship. I found some potential classes that I have been interested in taking.
Whats weird and curious is that I have been encountering all of these interesting women lately. Not just potential lover interesting, but interesting in general. My new Bff is extremely interesting. She has so many diverse interests. She has been through a lot of things but has the most amazing capacity for empathy. My other bff is an amazing woman-running her own successful business while maintaining a healthy, down-home sensibility.
Then there are the others-the ex and the newbie. I still have residual feelings for my ex-I am forever going to be unsure if she was my soul mate. We will never know, but what we had between us is real and deep. Im not going back to where she lives, and she is content with her life.
The newbie is extremely interesting. I don't know if anything will ever come from it. Im hoping at this point for a lasting new friendship. She is a great person and full of love and compassion. She is the kind of person that you want to always have in your corner.
I remember something my partner said in the midst of one of her rants. She said I was better at long distance relationships because I don't open up fully. If Im maintaining one of those, then I can have all the space that I need, and still make the other person feel like they have all of my attention. Then I think about my last relationship and know thats not true. I was open with my last partner, but she was not judgemental of me. With this relationship, everything is analyzed and critiqued, and then brought back up whenever there is a problem. That has never happened before. But then, none of this stuff has ever happened to me before.
So today I was looking out the window, watching the birds fly in the sun-bright sky. It was lovely day, and I realized that my clipped wings are healing. Even my ex said that today-she could tell that my spirit was on the rise.
So curious and weird-Im very curious as to what the future holds. What is going to happen with the opportunities floating around me. Weird about being stuck in this gilded cage. Happy to be feeling the wind beneath my damaged wings.
KM
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Bored and Buzzed
Today's Mood: Chilled
I'm relaxed tonight, after 2 glasses of the very great wine find that I stumbled upon. Of course right now the name of that beautiful ruby elixer eludes me...I will fill it in later.
Im feeling good tonight. My medication is working to alleviate my high blood pressure. Im also feeling good about my relationship-if I can still call it that. I listened to her talk for 2 hours this morning. Two hours straight...My input encompassed about 15 words in 2 hours. I am so proud of myself because I did not interject at all. If I did, it would have ruined everything. As it stands now, she is content. I have to learn not to say anything-not to agree or disagree. It makes it much easier on me. Yes, I will have a long lecture, but at least it wont lead ot histrionics and tears.
Life is so weird. Im concerned about my ex. I haven't heard from her. Last night I had the craziest dream that I was trying to get to her in Houston from Cali-first I started out in a car, then I was on a bike. Many things kept popping up to keep me from her. I am afraid that she is in trouble or suffering. She hasn't answered my texts or calls. Hopefully she is partying it up somewhere outside of the country and cannot be reached. I will try her again tomorrow.
I miss my new friend, A. We have been having fun email correspondence over the last few days. Its nice to have a platonic friend or two that think you are interesting. I miss that.
Im gonna cut it short tonight, even though I skipped last night. I am more concerned about my ex than I want to say, the wine is hitting me, and as I listen to her snore, I feel a little lonely. The embrace of sleep will comfort me. I wil be fine as I drift on that black, satiny wave into the blissful oblivion of nothingness and everything.
Good night!
d.o.
I'm relaxed tonight, after 2 glasses of the very great wine find that I stumbled upon. Of course right now the name of that beautiful ruby elixer eludes me...I will fill it in later.
Im feeling good tonight. My medication is working to alleviate my high blood pressure. Im also feeling good about my relationship-if I can still call it that. I listened to her talk for 2 hours this morning. Two hours straight...My input encompassed about 15 words in 2 hours. I am so proud of myself because I did not interject at all. If I did, it would have ruined everything. As it stands now, she is content. I have to learn not to say anything-not to agree or disagree. It makes it much easier on me. Yes, I will have a long lecture, but at least it wont lead ot histrionics and tears.
Life is so weird. Im concerned about my ex. I haven't heard from her. Last night I had the craziest dream that I was trying to get to her in Houston from Cali-first I started out in a car, then I was on a bike. Many things kept popping up to keep me from her. I am afraid that she is in trouble or suffering. She hasn't answered my texts or calls. Hopefully she is partying it up somewhere outside of the country and cannot be reached. I will try her again tomorrow.
I miss my new friend, A. We have been having fun email correspondence over the last few days. Its nice to have a platonic friend or two that think you are interesting. I miss that.
Im gonna cut it short tonight, even though I skipped last night. I am more concerned about my ex than I want to say, the wine is hitting me, and as I listen to her snore, I feel a little lonely. The embrace of sleep will comfort me. I wil be fine as I drift on that black, satiny wave into the blissful oblivion of nothingness and everything.
Good night!
d.o.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
And They Keep Tumbling Down...
Today's Mood: Tired and Excited at the same time
This has been an interesting day. Its amazing how one day can be filled with so many emotions. It started out great-I worked out, ate well, and went right to work. I was pretty productive and made some great progress.
Then it got even better. I heard from the job opportunitiy that Ive been hoping for. This is the most concrete possibility that has come my way from them ever. I just have to wait a bit longer and I will know something. I feel in my heart that it will be positive, I just have to stay prayerful.
Then it took a nosedive. I have to say that I was proud of myself for maintaining my composure. My partner started in on me about my son, about every little thing. She makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. No wonder my blood pressure is so high. Its out of control right now-the medicine is not even really helping. I know its high when I can feel my pulse in my ear and neck. When I get that slight headache.
And then, she really made me pause when she said that she stayed in her little room because she didnt want to be around my son. I could see if he was doing things wrong or being disrespectful. The kid is trying so hard to do things right. He, too is walking on eggshells. He has to basically ask before he gets a glass of juice. We catalogued all of the food in the cabinets-he knows what belongs to me so that he doesnt accidentally eat anything that she really likes.
He gets up early every day, cleans up, does other chores, and basically follows a schedule like he is in prison-to try to make her comfortable. And he doesnt complain, well not too much.
Annnd THEN she really let me know how she felt. She told me that she was not trying to be intimate with me while he lives here! LOL. I have been trying hard to get him into Job Corps but that made me kinda feel like perhaps I should slow it down. I mean, if she doesn't want to be with me because my son is here, I think thats crazy! I don't have a desire to be with her in that way anyway-she doesnt turn me on at all.
Whenever she goes into her full-blown crazy mode, she starts looking so unattractive to me. I don't see anything lovely or sexy in her. I can muster up some passion, but its not coming honestly or easily. Its so funny to me, but when she is in her normal, right mind-I can find myself attracted to her.
So she said that to me! I was stunned, but also a bit relieved. I don't know why she is that way. Our home-no her home-is quiet. Its clean. I work hard to book gigs for her. She basically does nothing all day. The most she does is fix herself something to eat. I fix stuff for me and my son, wash the animals, clean up after her dog almost all the time. Yet, she is always tired and my son is making her uncomfortable. I don't get it. He barely talks to anyone and he really likes her-or he did.
Another interesting thing happened today. I did a test. Over the last 4 or 5 days, I left clean laundry in the dryer. They sat there until I got them out. I also tried to leave dishes in the sink but I couldn't take it for more than a few hours. Again, nothing. She does nothing. She plays on the internet, talks on the phone and writes her Great Novel. I just don't get it.
All I have to say is that something has to give. Im tired, tired, tired. I finally feel that its going to be ok. Im ready to enter the workplace. If I have to work 3 different jobs, I will. Im definitely going to school for that billing class. Somehow.
Im so inspired by the movie Benjamin Buttons. I saw it at the perfect time. I have to start over, I cannot let fear keep me a hostage. Its ridiculous. I think of the women that lived with me. I never made them feel like this. I always let them have a home. Everything was ours. The one with kids, I made sure I took care of her son like mine. Its just very hard but my heart has closed shop.
Thats enough for now. I will keep my fingers, toes, eyes, weave, everything crossed for this job. I hate that I won't hear anything until next week. I know I will hear something by Monday and if its not good, I will go out job hunting on my own. I have to find something and I am having very little luck with the internet.
Anyway, thats it for tonight. Oh yea, my new friend is very interesting. I have to be careful not to cross any boundaries with her or anyone else. I don't need any bad karma. Not now.
See u tomorrow!
LD
This has been an interesting day. Its amazing how one day can be filled with so many emotions. It started out great-I worked out, ate well, and went right to work. I was pretty productive and made some great progress.
Then it got even better. I heard from the job opportunitiy that Ive been hoping for. This is the most concrete possibility that has come my way from them ever. I just have to wait a bit longer and I will know something. I feel in my heart that it will be positive, I just have to stay prayerful.
Then it took a nosedive. I have to say that I was proud of myself for maintaining my composure. My partner started in on me about my son, about every little thing. She makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. No wonder my blood pressure is so high. Its out of control right now-the medicine is not even really helping. I know its high when I can feel my pulse in my ear and neck. When I get that slight headache.
And then, she really made me pause when she said that she stayed in her little room because she didnt want to be around my son. I could see if he was doing things wrong or being disrespectful. The kid is trying so hard to do things right. He, too is walking on eggshells. He has to basically ask before he gets a glass of juice. We catalogued all of the food in the cabinets-he knows what belongs to me so that he doesnt accidentally eat anything that she really likes.
He gets up early every day, cleans up, does other chores, and basically follows a schedule like he is in prison-to try to make her comfortable. And he doesnt complain, well not too much.
Annnd THEN she really let me know how she felt. She told me that she was not trying to be intimate with me while he lives here! LOL. I have been trying hard to get him into Job Corps but that made me kinda feel like perhaps I should slow it down. I mean, if she doesn't want to be with me because my son is here, I think thats crazy! I don't have a desire to be with her in that way anyway-she doesnt turn me on at all.
Whenever she goes into her full-blown crazy mode, she starts looking so unattractive to me. I don't see anything lovely or sexy in her. I can muster up some passion, but its not coming honestly or easily. Its so funny to me, but when she is in her normal, right mind-I can find myself attracted to her.
So she said that to me! I was stunned, but also a bit relieved. I don't know why she is that way. Our home-no her home-is quiet. Its clean. I work hard to book gigs for her. She basically does nothing all day. The most she does is fix herself something to eat. I fix stuff for me and my son, wash the animals, clean up after her dog almost all the time. Yet, she is always tired and my son is making her uncomfortable. I don't get it. He barely talks to anyone and he really likes her-or he did.
Another interesting thing happened today. I did a test. Over the last 4 or 5 days, I left clean laundry in the dryer. They sat there until I got them out. I also tried to leave dishes in the sink but I couldn't take it for more than a few hours. Again, nothing. She does nothing. She plays on the internet, talks on the phone and writes her Great Novel. I just don't get it.
All I have to say is that something has to give. Im tired, tired, tired. I finally feel that its going to be ok. Im ready to enter the workplace. If I have to work 3 different jobs, I will. Im definitely going to school for that billing class. Somehow.
Im so inspired by the movie Benjamin Buttons. I saw it at the perfect time. I have to start over, I cannot let fear keep me a hostage. Its ridiculous. I think of the women that lived with me. I never made them feel like this. I always let them have a home. Everything was ours. The one with kids, I made sure I took care of her son like mine. Its just very hard but my heart has closed shop.
Thats enough for now. I will keep my fingers, toes, eyes, weave, everything crossed for this job. I hate that I won't hear anything until next week. I know I will hear something by Monday and if its not good, I will go out job hunting on my own. I have to find something and I am having very little luck with the internet.
Anyway, thats it for tonight. Oh yea, my new friend is very interesting. I have to be careful not to cross any boundaries with her or anyone else. I don't need any bad karma. Not now.
See u tomorrow!
LD
Click, Clack
Today's Mood: Interested
This was a good day. I got up, worked out...I ate well pretty much all day. No cheating on the diet, but finding good, healthy foods to keep me full. I spent time online with my friends, and actually did some work!
Tomorrow is going to be either a great day or a huge disappointment. I have a chat with the person that I want to offer me a job. If she does not say the right things, its still going to be fine. It will just signal another domino to fall into place. I know in my heart that I need to find a job and make plans to find a place to live. That is my first priority, well after the diet/workout.
One other interesting thing...My friends have all told me that when I free myself of this relationship, my true love will come into my life. What makes it interesting is that Im meeting people who are intriguing. Im meeting people who inspire me to work harder to gain my freedom.
Speaking of freedom, thats what Im getting tattooed on my wrist. I found a great symbol, and Im getting it the week I move into my own place. I feel kinda blue underneath the excitement. My partner makes me feel so unattractive. We have had so many problems, but we agreed to try to work things out. If we are going to try, we BOTH need to try. Its too easy to sit back and just be roomies, but a part of me is afraid that will lead to another blow up. My health can't handle that. At this point, I just need to hang in for about another month or so. Then everything will be fine.
Im too tired to write anything earth-shattering today, so Im going to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow I will have some great things to discuss.
Later!
V
This was a good day. I got up, worked out...I ate well pretty much all day. No cheating on the diet, but finding good, healthy foods to keep me full. I spent time online with my friends, and actually did some work!
Tomorrow is going to be either a great day or a huge disappointment. I have a chat with the person that I want to offer me a job. If she does not say the right things, its still going to be fine. It will just signal another domino to fall into place. I know in my heart that I need to find a job and make plans to find a place to live. That is my first priority, well after the diet/workout.
One other interesting thing...My friends have all told me that when I free myself of this relationship, my true love will come into my life. What makes it interesting is that Im meeting people who are intriguing. Im meeting people who inspire me to work harder to gain my freedom.
Speaking of freedom, thats what Im getting tattooed on my wrist. I found a great symbol, and Im getting it the week I move into my own place. I feel kinda blue underneath the excitement. My partner makes me feel so unattractive. We have had so many problems, but we agreed to try to work things out. If we are going to try, we BOTH need to try. Its too easy to sit back and just be roomies, but a part of me is afraid that will lead to another blow up. My health can't handle that. At this point, I just need to hang in for about another month or so. Then everything will be fine.
Im too tired to write anything earth-shattering today, so Im going to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow I will have some great things to discuss.
Later!
V
Monday, January 5, 2009
New Year, New Me!
Well, 2009 is here, and Im trying to go into it with a whole new attitude. Im using the idea of Dominos. I feel like my plan for my life is set up like a domino display. I have a few lead strands, but once those leads are tipped over, everything will fall in a gorgeous, and exciting display.
I tipped one of the lead rows today. I started working out and watching what I put into my body. I weighed in, and I need (want) to lose 40 lbs. Of course, if I lose 20, I will be happy, 25 would be perfect. I don't think the 40 is really gonna happen. Ive never been that thin. But its a good goal for the entire year. This domino tipped my dressing better and fixing myself up domino. It lead to my feeling confident, daily domino. So it was a succesful start, and I keep hearing the clicking as this pattern continues to unfurl.
The next side is going to be finding a job. I have a brilliant idea-I just don't know if I should discuss it with the company that Im interested in or not. I think that I should just go for it, and let the chips fall where they may. If they don't like it, then its fine. I have other options and plans.
The next tier that will fall once I find a job is finding a place here in or near our town. That way I can start to stand on my own 2 feet again. If things are meant to work out with my partner, they will. I think living apart may be the smartest thing. We will be able to see whats what. I need to pay off my Macy's and other credit cards first, so that I only have my insurance, car note, health insurance, and the bills associated with renting a place.Right now, my total bills can be knocked down a good bit, so thats one of the dominos that has to fall.
Im excited to have made it through the first day. I think I stayed under 1200 calories, and had very little fat. I had some carbs, but thats ok. As long as I cut back and watch everything, I will be fine. Plus the workout is going to make a difference.
So, today I spent time online with one of my favorite friends. I will probably always have the biggest crush on her, but we are destined to be just great friends. I guess sometimes thats better than being lovers. The intimacy that friends share can be deeper, as is evident by my current relationship. Its interesting though, to feel that umph again. I miss feeling that tingle.
I don't know if my partner and I will ever be able to work through our differences and find a place of pure happiness. Im just not sure. I feel that she is not really focused on me as a woman, and I know that my attention is waning. We both need to work hard to find out if something is still there. If not, we need to just deal with the loss and start preparing to move on.
Im not going to stress about it. I almost died the day after Christmas, so I cannot afford to stress. Its not worth it anyway. I gave all that I can give, and Im working hard to be a good partner. If it doesnt work, I cant say that I didnt try my best.
Who knows what the future holds. I just want happiness and passion. And friendship. And laughter. And honesty. And....everything. Thats not too much, right?
Until tomorrow or whenever,
G
I tipped one of the lead rows today. I started working out and watching what I put into my body. I weighed in, and I need (want) to lose 40 lbs. Of course, if I lose 20, I will be happy, 25 would be perfect. I don't think the 40 is really gonna happen. Ive never been that thin. But its a good goal for the entire year. This domino tipped my dressing better and fixing myself up domino. It lead to my feeling confident, daily domino. So it was a succesful start, and I keep hearing the clicking as this pattern continues to unfurl.
The next side is going to be finding a job. I have a brilliant idea-I just don't know if I should discuss it with the company that Im interested in or not. I think that I should just go for it, and let the chips fall where they may. If they don't like it, then its fine. I have other options and plans.
The next tier that will fall once I find a job is finding a place here in or near our town. That way I can start to stand on my own 2 feet again. If things are meant to work out with my partner, they will. I think living apart may be the smartest thing. We will be able to see whats what. I need to pay off my Macy's and other credit cards first, so that I only have my insurance, car note, health insurance, and the bills associated with renting a place.Right now, my total bills can be knocked down a good bit, so thats one of the dominos that has to fall.
Im excited to have made it through the first day. I think I stayed under 1200 calories, and had very little fat. I had some carbs, but thats ok. As long as I cut back and watch everything, I will be fine. Plus the workout is going to make a difference.
So, today I spent time online with one of my favorite friends. I will probably always have the biggest crush on her, but we are destined to be just great friends. I guess sometimes thats better than being lovers. The intimacy that friends share can be deeper, as is evident by my current relationship. Its interesting though, to feel that umph again. I miss feeling that tingle.
I don't know if my partner and I will ever be able to work through our differences and find a place of pure happiness. Im just not sure. I feel that she is not really focused on me as a woman, and I know that my attention is waning. We both need to work hard to find out if something is still there. If not, we need to just deal with the loss and start preparing to move on.
Im not going to stress about it. I almost died the day after Christmas, so I cannot afford to stress. Its not worth it anyway. I gave all that I can give, and Im working hard to be a good partner. If it doesnt work, I cant say that I didnt try my best.
Who knows what the future holds. I just want happiness and passion. And friendship. And laughter. And honesty. And....everything. Thats not too much, right?
Until tomorrow or whenever,
G
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays?
Its been so long since I took the time to write in my blog. I guess I never make "me time" like I should. I'm going to rectify that asap.
Tonight is Christmas Eve. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Not for what I get, but I find great joy in giving to others. It makes me happy to make others happy. Of course I have to deal with my own personal blues this time of year, but after so many days of knowing loneliness, its like slipping into a pair of old jeans. They are a little scratchy but familiar.
This Christmas is different. My partner does not celebrate Christmas-she does not really believe in the story of Jesus. She says she is spiritual, not religious. I have no problem with her beliefs, everyone is entitled to believe whatever their heart tells them to believe.
What makes it hard is that no matter how hard I try to keep my spirits up, she keeps bringing them down. She is so critical of everything-me, my son, my housekeeping, his manners. I am starting to document every critical thing she says in comparison to the positive assessments that she makes. For example--I cleaned everything after I worked a full day on her business. She didnt even acknowledge it. But she made a point to mention that my son left a glass downstairs, that he mixed up the recycling...She doesn't say anything about all of the housework he does-how clean his room is, how well he cleans the living room or how he does whatever we ask him to without any problem.
It makes me sad, because he has had such a hard life and he is really trying to get his life on track. I have to constantly tell him to do this and do that-little nitpicky things. Today she said he had horrible manners and all he did was come into the room (the door was open) without knocking. She said this with a mouthful of food. She always talks with a mouthful of food-I keep telling her that bothers me but then she gets irritated...so I just shut up.
Just shut up...That seems to be the mantra of my life. I just shut up. No matter what she says to me, I just shut up. No matter how many little things she finds to criticise, I just shut up. It makes life easier. Im always "overly sensitive" if I say something. Or Im being protective, or not listening, or just plain wrong. I don't know how I can be wrong all the time.
I mean, Im wrong about every single thing. If I find what is in my opinion a better place to put something, Im wrong. If I try to organize things, Im wrong. Its like I don't know anything-like Im some hood version of Eliza Doolittle. She thinks I never had anything, never gave my kids anything...And its so not true.
No matter what I say, she never believes me. I tried to tell her we come from a middle class family, that I had lots of advantages. I tried to explain how when things went south, I fought through. My kids never suffered. It wasn't easy, I made tons of mistakes....
But I guess the lesson I have to learn is to stop explaining and complaining and crying. Last year, when things went badly, I got off my buttocks and got 2 jobs-I worked myself to death and figured out a way to make it. Its time to do that again. Past time. I had to sacrifice some of the things that I wanted, in order to make it happen. Its that time again. This time, Im starting out way behind the 8ball. Wayyyy behind. I don't have any savings, I don't have a job. What needs to happen is I need a JOB right now.
I tried to apply everywhere-even Target-and nothing. After the beginning of the year, I need to find something. I have to sacrifice Olivia, thats just how it has to be. I need to be in my own space by March. I need to set my goals and hit the goals. I need to do something. My life is in a sad limbo and its not the life I am supposed to live.
My mistake-my poor judgement-I need to pay the consequences. But not my kids. Its not too late to make things right where they are concerned. Here are my goals and a timeline.
January--Find 2 jobs that equate to bringing home $2500 a month
February--Pay off any open credit cards (income tax time...)
March--Find apartment here in Vallejo or near jobs
April--Find a 3rd job if needed and start preparing to relocate unless the job is pretty good.
I also will lose 40lbs between now and April. That is my vow.
Ok, in the course of writing in my blog tonite, Im also on a quest to drink an entire bottle of red wine. Its starting to kick in, so I must go now.
Later,
DY
Its been so long since I took the time to write in my blog. I guess I never make "me time" like I should. I'm going to rectify that asap.
Tonight is Christmas Eve. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Not for what I get, but I find great joy in giving to others. It makes me happy to make others happy. Of course I have to deal with my own personal blues this time of year, but after so many days of knowing loneliness, its like slipping into a pair of old jeans. They are a little scratchy but familiar.
This Christmas is different. My partner does not celebrate Christmas-she does not really believe in the story of Jesus. She says she is spiritual, not religious. I have no problem with her beliefs, everyone is entitled to believe whatever their heart tells them to believe.
What makes it hard is that no matter how hard I try to keep my spirits up, she keeps bringing them down. She is so critical of everything-me, my son, my housekeeping, his manners. I am starting to document every critical thing she says in comparison to the positive assessments that she makes. For example--I cleaned everything after I worked a full day on her business. She didnt even acknowledge it. But she made a point to mention that my son left a glass downstairs, that he mixed up the recycling...She doesn't say anything about all of the housework he does-how clean his room is, how well he cleans the living room or how he does whatever we ask him to without any problem.
It makes me sad, because he has had such a hard life and he is really trying to get his life on track. I have to constantly tell him to do this and do that-little nitpicky things. Today she said he had horrible manners and all he did was come into the room (the door was open) without knocking. She said this with a mouthful of food. She always talks with a mouthful of food-I keep telling her that bothers me but then she gets irritated...so I just shut up.
Just shut up...That seems to be the mantra of my life. I just shut up. No matter what she says to me, I just shut up. No matter how many little things she finds to criticise, I just shut up. It makes life easier. Im always "overly sensitive" if I say something. Or Im being protective, or not listening, or just plain wrong. I don't know how I can be wrong all the time.
I mean, Im wrong about every single thing. If I find what is in my opinion a better place to put something, Im wrong. If I try to organize things, Im wrong. Its like I don't know anything-like Im some hood version of Eliza Doolittle. She thinks I never had anything, never gave my kids anything...And its so not true.
No matter what I say, she never believes me. I tried to tell her we come from a middle class family, that I had lots of advantages. I tried to explain how when things went south, I fought through. My kids never suffered. It wasn't easy, I made tons of mistakes....
But I guess the lesson I have to learn is to stop explaining and complaining and crying. Last year, when things went badly, I got off my buttocks and got 2 jobs-I worked myself to death and figured out a way to make it. Its time to do that again. Past time. I had to sacrifice some of the things that I wanted, in order to make it happen. Its that time again. This time, Im starting out way behind the 8ball. Wayyyy behind. I don't have any savings, I don't have a job. What needs to happen is I need a JOB right now.
I tried to apply everywhere-even Target-and nothing. After the beginning of the year, I need to find something. I have to sacrifice Olivia, thats just how it has to be. I need to be in my own space by March. I need to set my goals and hit the goals. I need to do something. My life is in a sad limbo and its not the life I am supposed to live.
My mistake-my poor judgement-I need to pay the consequences. But not my kids. Its not too late to make things right where they are concerned. Here are my goals and a timeline.
January--Find 2 jobs that equate to bringing home $2500 a month
February--Pay off any open credit cards (income tax time...)
March--Find apartment here in Vallejo or near jobs
April--Find a 3rd job if needed and start preparing to relocate unless the job is pretty good.
I also will lose 40lbs between now and April. That is my vow.
Ok, in the course of writing in my blog tonite, Im also on a quest to drink an entire bottle of red wine. Its starting to kick in, so I must go now.
Later,
DY
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Alone
Today's Mood: Invisible
Today is the anniversary of the death of my grandmother, Priscilla W. Rumley. She was the best person in the world, the only person who was all mine. She loved me unconditionally, more completely than anyone ever has before. I miss her so much.
Today is especially hard because I feel so alone. Alone. That word is powerful and encompasses everything that is me, at this moment. This is a feeling I wouldnt wish on anyone. To know that while there are some people out there who may listen to you, they may care for you, there is no one, No One person who is all for you. That if there is a problem, you can only depend on you? To know that there is not one person thinking of you, caring for you just because.
My Grandmother saved me from so many things. She was there for me when my mother made me feel small. She was there when I was promiscuous-and helped me live through that. I never told her why I was acting out, but I think she knows that something happened to me in my childhood. She has to know, she was always so gentle with me. Yes, she could get feisty when she needed to, and she didnt take any stuff from me or anyone else. But I always, always knew she was for me.
I sit here thinking about this relationship that I am in. I am 99.9% sure its not going to work. I have done everything I can, tried to be there, tried to cook, clean, praise, love, support.....Even after I found out how she betrayed my trust, I still swallowed the pain and just tried to make it work.
A good friend sent me an email and what it basically said is that if you are thinking about leaving, if you are unhappy, then you need to get out of the relationship because its already done. I know that. I am concerned about the stability of my son. He is happy here. I think about all of the things that I need to do to be able to provide a stable home for him and its daunting. I can't just uproot him with no plan. Its just too much.
On this day, I think about my Grandmother, I kinda smile and I think of what she would say if she was here. She would say "Girl come home, we will work it out". I don't have a home to go to, I have nobody holding that security blanket, warm and welcoming. Its just me, in the cold, standing here holding myself as tightly as I can trying to find some sense of connection.
A while ago, when this time of year would roll around, I would do stupid things-like cosy up with someone I didnt really want-out of the feelings of loneliness. That will not happen again. I am getting stronger, but the feelings, man. Its tough. I have to maintain hope that one day somebody will welcome me into their arms and wrap me up. They will let me know that they accept me and my faults, they don't judge my past, they see the light in me that my Grandmother fought so hard to keep from being extinguished.
I love you GiGi, and miss you terribly.
D
Today is the anniversary of the death of my grandmother, Priscilla W. Rumley. She was the best person in the world, the only person who was all mine. She loved me unconditionally, more completely than anyone ever has before. I miss her so much.
Today is especially hard because I feel so alone. Alone. That word is powerful and encompasses everything that is me, at this moment. This is a feeling I wouldnt wish on anyone. To know that while there are some people out there who may listen to you, they may care for you, there is no one, No One person who is all for you. That if there is a problem, you can only depend on you? To know that there is not one person thinking of you, caring for you just because.
My Grandmother saved me from so many things. She was there for me when my mother made me feel small. She was there when I was promiscuous-and helped me live through that. I never told her why I was acting out, but I think she knows that something happened to me in my childhood. She has to know, she was always so gentle with me. Yes, she could get feisty when she needed to, and she didnt take any stuff from me or anyone else. But I always, always knew she was for me.
I sit here thinking about this relationship that I am in. I am 99.9% sure its not going to work. I have done everything I can, tried to be there, tried to cook, clean, praise, love, support.....Even after I found out how she betrayed my trust, I still swallowed the pain and just tried to make it work.
A good friend sent me an email and what it basically said is that if you are thinking about leaving, if you are unhappy, then you need to get out of the relationship because its already done. I know that. I am concerned about the stability of my son. He is happy here. I think about all of the things that I need to do to be able to provide a stable home for him and its daunting. I can't just uproot him with no plan. Its just too much.
On this day, I think about my Grandmother, I kinda smile and I think of what she would say if she was here. She would say "Girl come home, we will work it out". I don't have a home to go to, I have nobody holding that security blanket, warm and welcoming. Its just me, in the cold, standing here holding myself as tightly as I can trying to find some sense of connection.
A while ago, when this time of year would roll around, I would do stupid things-like cosy up with someone I didnt really want-out of the feelings of loneliness. That will not happen again. I am getting stronger, but the feelings, man. Its tough. I have to maintain hope that one day somebody will welcome me into their arms and wrap me up. They will let me know that they accept me and my faults, they don't judge my past, they see the light in me that my Grandmother fought so hard to keep from being extinguished.
I love you GiGi, and miss you terribly.
D
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Another Day
Its another day in the life of me. I have had a lot of time to think about this situation. After last night, I have been contemplative, wondering what is happening in my world, what to do, how to resolve the situation that I find myself in.
I spent the whole day working hard on projects with my headphones on, letting my favorite songs lift my spirits. I talked with a couple of friends. Its hard sharing my fears and angst with others. I don't want to be that whiny girl who is moody one day and all gaga in love the next. I don't want them to think badly of her if we do work it out. But its hard. Its so hard to be in this place alone. Sharing helps.
I feel numb today. Im not really sad, Im not happy, Im just here. My day is just here. Things have to get better, I feel like I am becoming a shadow of myself. Im usually so happy and full of joy. Today, if I could stay in the bed, I would.
I am only allowing myself a few more minutes of self-pity. This is not who I am. I have to find something to hold onto, to pull me out of this funky pit. Love sux.
Anyway, since I am boring myself, I will end today's post right here. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will be stronger and have all of my armor in place.
Til then,
D
I spent the whole day working hard on projects with my headphones on, letting my favorite songs lift my spirits. I talked with a couple of friends. Its hard sharing my fears and angst with others. I don't want to be that whiny girl who is moody one day and all gaga in love the next. I don't want them to think badly of her if we do work it out. But its hard. Its so hard to be in this place alone. Sharing helps.
I feel numb today. Im not really sad, Im not happy, Im just here. My day is just here. Things have to get better, I feel like I am becoming a shadow of myself. Im usually so happy and full of joy. Today, if I could stay in the bed, I would.
I am only allowing myself a few more minutes of self-pity. This is not who I am. I have to find something to hold onto, to pull me out of this funky pit. Love sux.
Anyway, since I am boring myself, I will end today's post right here. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will be stronger and have all of my armor in place.
Til then,
D
Interesting
This is the first time in a lonnng time that I wrote in my blog. Everything has happened that can happen.
Its time to get started writing again. My soul is feeling traumatized in so many ways.
Catching up, I have a relationship that is all my own. In a lot of ways I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. I met someone, we fell hard for each other. I gave up everything that I had to be with her. Now, Im stuck in so many ways.
I have nothing, no job, no home, nothing. I know this woman loves me but I also think she is insane, or at least out of touch.
My problem with her is that she has no clue as to what is happening around her. She lives in the past, when she was famous. My trial is how to help her realize that she is not famous now. How to help her find a way to support herself and potentially our family should she no longer be able to work in her current field.
I feel like she will never understand me, and I will never understand her. Its saddening to me. We keep finding little pockets of love. They glow and shimmer, calling us into the depths. Then once they flicker out, we are left on the islands of acceptance. Where we live a life of bland.
I just don't know what to do. She is so unlike me, so unlike anyone I have encountered. In some ways she has made me better. She has made me better, made me evaluate the person that I am. In others, she has totally changed me. Im less outspoken. I hold my words and feelings inside because I never know whats going to set her off. I let my feelings simmer below the surface and allow her to lavish her sentiments-good and bad-all over me like the ocean closing over my head. At times I do feel like Im drowning, but what are the options? I know that when she finishes her tirades, she will hold out an arm and pull me back into a rocky, yet safe boat.
Things are happening around me, things I cannot even begin to address. I try not to see them, try not to seek out the solace that is being offered to me. Part of me wonders if it is Divine intervention. Are these lights being placed in my path to illuminate the shadows of my world? Are they here to show me just what exactly is in the dark spaces of this relationship? Are they being given to me as beacons, beacons I should follow to a different space?
I am so very tired. How long can a person live a life like this? How long can a person stifle their true self in order to keep the peace? Its not healthy, and I know it, but what are the options.
That is my moody blue re-entry into the world of my blog. I will try to write more often. Its ironic that today marks the day after my 40th birthday. It is a time of change. I should be preparing to retire. I should be settled and married. I should own a home, and be with the person I love, cherish and respect. I do love her, I am just not sure we are to be. Time alone will tell.
Its time to get started writing again. My soul is feeling traumatized in so many ways.
Catching up, I have a relationship that is all my own. In a lot of ways I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. I met someone, we fell hard for each other. I gave up everything that I had to be with her. Now, Im stuck in so many ways.
I have nothing, no job, no home, nothing. I know this woman loves me but I also think she is insane, or at least out of touch.
My problem with her is that she has no clue as to what is happening around her. She lives in the past, when she was famous. My trial is how to help her realize that she is not famous now. How to help her find a way to support herself and potentially our family should she no longer be able to work in her current field.
I feel like she will never understand me, and I will never understand her. Its saddening to me. We keep finding little pockets of love. They glow and shimmer, calling us into the depths. Then once they flicker out, we are left on the islands of acceptance. Where we live a life of bland.
I just don't know what to do. She is so unlike me, so unlike anyone I have encountered. In some ways she has made me better. She has made me better, made me evaluate the person that I am. In others, she has totally changed me. Im less outspoken. I hold my words and feelings inside because I never know whats going to set her off. I let my feelings simmer below the surface and allow her to lavish her sentiments-good and bad-all over me like the ocean closing over my head. At times I do feel like Im drowning, but what are the options? I know that when she finishes her tirades, she will hold out an arm and pull me back into a rocky, yet safe boat.
Things are happening around me, things I cannot even begin to address. I try not to see them, try not to seek out the solace that is being offered to me. Part of me wonders if it is Divine intervention. Are these lights being placed in my path to illuminate the shadows of my world? Are they here to show me just what exactly is in the dark spaces of this relationship? Are they being given to me as beacons, beacons I should follow to a different space?
I am so very tired. How long can a person live a life like this? How long can a person stifle their true self in order to keep the peace? Its not healthy, and I know it, but what are the options.
That is my moody blue re-entry into the world of my blog. I will try to write more often. Its ironic that today marks the day after my 40th birthday. It is a time of change. I should be preparing to retire. I should be settled and married. I should own a home, and be with the person I love, cherish and respect. I do love her, I am just not sure we are to be. Time alone will tell.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Wow More Thoughts
Today's Mood: Weird, Happy, Irritated
I guess today is another Bi-Polar Day. I am in a great mood. I am also really feeling conflicted about a couple of things. More on that in a few minutes. Im irritated because of my job. We are short staffed already and my boss knew he and our admin asst. were going to be out of the office most of today and tomorrow. Now, I personally don't have much to do but I get so aggravated answering the phones all day. The main reason it drives me nuts is because I dont work in the temp area so I dont know the answers to any of their questions. It sux. On top of that we have a big corporate visitor tomorrow, so all the trifling things that they never do up front have to be fixed. They have known about this visit for a week......So now instead of getting someone in yesterday to train a little and be ready to roll today, they are rushing to get someone in this afternoon. I hate disorganization.
So why the confusion? Im a little disconcerted by the way I feel in regards to a conversation I had with my ex last night. We have been keeping in touch with each other, trying to develop a friendship. Over the last few weeks, I have been really missing her. Missing the things that we used to do together, the fun we used to have. I feel as if the girls that I have dated have not measured up to her. They are all lacking something that she brought to the table. Now Im not foolish enough to only remember the good parts of our relationship. I know we both kinda sucked. But there are still feelings there.
So our talk-it was interesting. She expressed that she was so in love with her girlfriend. That they would be together for life. That was her "Baby". But in every other breath she was talking about how much she missed me and how I meant so very much to her.
I guess if you really care about someone, the feelings never die. I feel like I have to walk a tightrope here. Its tricky because I know, I KNOW, in my heart, that if I wanted to lure her back I could easily do it. I know she has a soft spot for me and I know she regrets mucking up our relationship. But she is allegedly happy now, happier than she has been in her life. She has the perfect wifey, quiet, easygoing, no kids, etc. She has the perfect life. Im not going to bring that to the table. My world is chaotic, ever changing. Exciting, yes. Peaceful, sometimes. I don't think its worth the trade, unless we are truly meant to be together. And if we are, we will come together when the timing is right.
Which in essence was the entire problem from the start. I had battle wounds, she had battle wounds. Neither of us had healing time before we got together. Our timing was so far off, yet we tried to make it work. Thats never a great idea. I just hope that one or both of us use good common sense and dont get too distracted with the idea of forbidden love blossoming again.
That leads up to Baby. Im trying to decide if I even want to keep in touch with her at all. Our communications are so distant and cold. I will deal with her on a professional level. Im not sure we will ever be true friends again. I don't understand how you can turn off real feelings. As I said before, I feel as if she didnt truly love me, she was infatuated. If she did love me, she never would have left me when I was not ok. She would have been there, and she would have understood how much I really needed her. I needed her compassion, her shoulder. You know, Im always getting hurt when I bend a little and try to lean on one of these women. Every single time.
I have had so many issues with trust, and then every time I try to come out of the box and try-I am dropped on the floor again and again. Do I just give up? Do I stop even letting them see any fragility? I dont know what to do but self-preservation says do not lean on anyone ever.
So about the ex-what to do? Nothing. I just have to sit back in the cut. I know she is going to take 2 steps towards me and 3 steps back. She did that when we were together, so why change now? Im not going there, though.
I met this new person online. Im scared of her. She seems to be exactly EXACTLY what I have been asking for. I have not met her in person, but Im frightened to death. What if she is the one? She has more qualities that I look for than anyone Ive met. With my great luck she will not be interested in me once we meet. Im not going to met her for a month. I need to work my fat butt out before I meet someone like her. She is so fine!!
Anyway, Im going to go now. The phones in this office are ringing like crazy. I will give you more info tomorrow.
Ciao!
I guess today is another Bi-Polar Day. I am in a great mood. I am also really feeling conflicted about a couple of things. More on that in a few minutes. Im irritated because of my job. We are short staffed already and my boss knew he and our admin asst. were going to be out of the office most of today and tomorrow. Now, I personally don't have much to do but I get so aggravated answering the phones all day. The main reason it drives me nuts is because I dont work in the temp area so I dont know the answers to any of their questions. It sux. On top of that we have a big corporate visitor tomorrow, so all the trifling things that they never do up front have to be fixed. They have known about this visit for a week......So now instead of getting someone in yesterday to train a little and be ready to roll today, they are rushing to get someone in this afternoon. I hate disorganization.
So why the confusion? Im a little disconcerted by the way I feel in regards to a conversation I had with my ex last night. We have been keeping in touch with each other, trying to develop a friendship. Over the last few weeks, I have been really missing her. Missing the things that we used to do together, the fun we used to have. I feel as if the girls that I have dated have not measured up to her. They are all lacking something that she brought to the table. Now Im not foolish enough to only remember the good parts of our relationship. I know we both kinda sucked. But there are still feelings there.
So our talk-it was interesting. She expressed that she was so in love with her girlfriend. That they would be together for life. That was her "Baby". But in every other breath she was talking about how much she missed me and how I meant so very much to her.
I guess if you really care about someone, the feelings never die. I feel like I have to walk a tightrope here. Its tricky because I know, I KNOW, in my heart, that if I wanted to lure her back I could easily do it. I know she has a soft spot for me and I know she regrets mucking up our relationship. But she is allegedly happy now, happier than she has been in her life. She has the perfect wifey, quiet, easygoing, no kids, etc. She has the perfect life. Im not going to bring that to the table. My world is chaotic, ever changing. Exciting, yes. Peaceful, sometimes. I don't think its worth the trade, unless we are truly meant to be together. And if we are, we will come together when the timing is right.
Which in essence was the entire problem from the start. I had battle wounds, she had battle wounds. Neither of us had healing time before we got together. Our timing was so far off, yet we tried to make it work. Thats never a great idea. I just hope that one or both of us use good common sense and dont get too distracted with the idea of forbidden love blossoming again.
That leads up to Baby. Im trying to decide if I even want to keep in touch with her at all. Our communications are so distant and cold. I will deal with her on a professional level. Im not sure we will ever be true friends again. I don't understand how you can turn off real feelings. As I said before, I feel as if she didnt truly love me, she was infatuated. If she did love me, she never would have left me when I was not ok. She would have been there, and she would have understood how much I really needed her. I needed her compassion, her shoulder. You know, Im always getting hurt when I bend a little and try to lean on one of these women. Every single time.
I have had so many issues with trust, and then every time I try to come out of the box and try-I am dropped on the floor again and again. Do I just give up? Do I stop even letting them see any fragility? I dont know what to do but self-preservation says do not lean on anyone ever.
So about the ex-what to do? Nothing. I just have to sit back in the cut. I know she is going to take 2 steps towards me and 3 steps back. She did that when we were together, so why change now? Im not going there, though.
I met this new person online. Im scared of her. She seems to be exactly EXACTLY what I have been asking for. I have not met her in person, but Im frightened to death. What if she is the one? She has more qualities that I look for than anyone Ive met. With my great luck she will not be interested in me once we meet. Im not going to met her for a month. I need to work my fat butt out before I meet someone like her. She is so fine!!
Anyway, Im going to go now. The phones in this office are ringing like crazy. I will give you more info tomorrow.
Ciao!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
A Vanilla Day
Today's Mood-Pretty Happy
Today was an absolutely vanilla day. Nothing special happened. Nothing bad, nothing good. I dont feel especially buckwild joy and I dont feel any type of sorrow. I didn't work hard, but I wasnt bored. Just a vanilla day.
I had a good time playing around on Yahoo Personals. I saw a couple of cuties and sent them some messages. Who knows if they will reply. I don't even really care-lol.
Thats about it for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be more colorful.
Bye-
Today was an absolutely vanilla day. Nothing special happened. Nothing bad, nothing good. I dont feel especially buckwild joy and I dont feel any type of sorrow. I didn't work hard, but I wasnt bored. Just a vanilla day.
I had a good time playing around on Yahoo Personals. I saw a couple of cuties and sent them some messages. Who knows if they will reply. I don't even really care-lol.
Thats about it for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be more colorful.
Bye-
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Big Thangs Poppin
Today's Mood: Fabulous
Ok where to start?
I indulged myself last night with sushi and wine. And a little more wine. It was excellent. I got in the bed fairly early and slept like a baby. This morning, I woke up refreshed-ah the difference between real wine and that stuff in a box...I digress...lol
I checked my email from my cell, why? I dont know. I never check it in the morning. What do I see but a LONG email from Olivia. It was asking for more input from me and offering much more support! Of course it put a huge smile on my face. So I bounced out of bed like I was 21 again and headed in to work. Yuck. Ok, I admit that I am over this job. But, I will hang on to it until something better, equal, other comes along.
So Im sitting here pissed because my big boss is being a butt...a sure sign that Im heading out the door, but still dont aggravate me while Im on my way...lol As my brows furrow deeper, I get a call on my cell. What tha? Its a San Fran area code, not a bill collector! So I answer and lo! Its the owner of Olivia, calling to see how Im doing!! Making sure that Im ok. WOW! So now I ask myself, am I about to kick off and somebody called Make-A-Wish Foundation on my behalf? I don't think so.
After a while I was able to close my mouth and stop drooling. I love those girls over there soooo much. They seem to know exactly when Im getting irritated. Dealing with these black women is often a trial. A royal pain in the buttocks. But they are really reaching out. So now I have to find a couple of other women of color who-the horrors-get an all expense paid 7 day cruise. The bad part is I don't want to find anyone who is already booked because that would be stupid. They would have to get a refund. Most of the people I know are already booked. So I have a little work cut out for me.
Guess what else? I heard from CD. She has been downgraded from Baby-lol. Our communications have been like two strangers. And thats being generous. I dont think she ever loved me, I think it was infatuation. Oh well, Im not crying about it. Thats the way life is. We are all wired with a defect-we do not have that chip that lets us discern what is real love and what is bogus until we are done with the person. I know I loved her, I know she was the first person I truly loved. Too bad.
Im smart enough to know that my heart has to break a few times. Karma owes me for the hearts Ive broken and the things I have done that were not right. I guess Im in trouble because normally I dont invest any of my inner self in these relationships. I went all the way with her, and a little deeper than normal with G. Im glad I have had the space to throttle back now. Hopefully my wall is reinforced now and I dont have to worry about ever getting hurt again. At least not for a while.
Ah life is good for now. I will keep you posted as new things transpire.
Til lata,
D
Ok where to start?
I indulged myself last night with sushi and wine. And a little more wine. It was excellent. I got in the bed fairly early and slept like a baby. This morning, I woke up refreshed-ah the difference between real wine and that stuff in a box...I digress...lol
I checked my email from my cell, why? I dont know. I never check it in the morning. What do I see but a LONG email from Olivia. It was asking for more input from me and offering much more support! Of course it put a huge smile on my face. So I bounced out of bed like I was 21 again and headed in to work. Yuck. Ok, I admit that I am over this job. But, I will hang on to it until something better, equal, other comes along.
So Im sitting here pissed because my big boss is being a butt...a sure sign that Im heading out the door, but still dont aggravate me while Im on my way...lol As my brows furrow deeper, I get a call on my cell. What tha? Its a San Fran area code, not a bill collector! So I answer and lo! Its the owner of Olivia, calling to see how Im doing!! Making sure that Im ok. WOW! So now I ask myself, am I about to kick off and somebody called Make-A-Wish Foundation on my behalf? I don't think so.
After a while I was able to close my mouth and stop drooling. I love those girls over there soooo much. They seem to know exactly when Im getting irritated. Dealing with these black women is often a trial. A royal pain in the buttocks. But they are really reaching out. So now I have to find a couple of other women of color who-the horrors-get an all expense paid 7 day cruise. The bad part is I don't want to find anyone who is already booked because that would be stupid. They would have to get a refund. Most of the people I know are already booked. So I have a little work cut out for me.
Guess what else? I heard from CD. She has been downgraded from Baby-lol. Our communications have been like two strangers. And thats being generous. I dont think she ever loved me, I think it was infatuation. Oh well, Im not crying about it. Thats the way life is. We are all wired with a defect-we do not have that chip that lets us discern what is real love and what is bogus until we are done with the person. I know I loved her, I know she was the first person I truly loved. Too bad.
Im smart enough to know that my heart has to break a few times. Karma owes me for the hearts Ive broken and the things I have done that were not right. I guess Im in trouble because normally I dont invest any of my inner self in these relationships. I went all the way with her, and a little deeper than normal with G. Im glad I have had the space to throttle back now. Hopefully my wall is reinforced now and I dont have to worry about ever getting hurt again. At least not for a while.
Ah life is good for now. I will keep you posted as new things transpire.
Til lata,
D
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Is It Really Thursday?
Today's Mood: Fine...Fine...FINE!
Ok Blog. I think its time for me to make a trek over to the shrinks couch. I am totally losing my mind. I have to admit that I may be bipolar or have multiple personalities. LOL
Im kidding but the reason I say this is because I feel great and I feel yucky at the same time. Im happy. My funds are fine. My career outlook is fine. Im in a great mood. At the same time Im still kinda blah about my love life. Im kinda lonely but not seriously-sadly lonely. I guess horny is more appropriate...lol. I want the human contact but not badly enough to actually want to deal with someone.
How crazy is that? I mean, really? What options am I leaving myself? None. I could put a rush on ole girl and make her fall for me but I dont want to. Im not going to try to shape her into the perfect person for me. I know Im not physically that attracted (I can barely remember her name most of the time) so why even put any energy into that. If we go out and have fun, cool. If not, cool.
Shai keeps calling, like its ok? I dont understand. I know that she still has feelings, it is soooo obvious. A part of me still has a little something for her, even though she killed my heart. I am not considering going back there, and she is not offering. Do we work as friends? Time will tell. Better yet, why even be friends? We never hang out together. I never see her unless she comes to me. Her friends hate me, my friends hate her....lol. What do we get out of calling each other and stuff? Sigh. This sux. Why even bother?
I have a confession. There is this chick moving to houston in a while (of course she has a friend here but I think she will see how crazy the girl is in short order). Im putting her on my simmer list. She is at least on the surface what Im looking for. By the time I get myself right, she might be worth checking out.
Im starting on my self improvement kick. I have got to get some of this weight off NOW. I wish I could have lipo but thats not an option. lol. Im starting to work out. I am going to start walking next week. I have to, its not an option. My health has always been great, but Im starting too have some slight issues. Not cool. My family has a history of stuff popping up out of the blue and knocking them dead. Quickly. I dont want that to be me. Of course I am the only one who doesnt smoke or eat a lot of red meat, pork, fried stuff. I dont drink excessively either. Im not perfect but my lifestyle is a lot more healthy than theirs.
Alright, so Im going to track my weight loss. First weigh in will be not this Monday but the following monday.
Talk to you tomorrow. Yay Friday.
D
Ok Blog. I think its time for me to make a trek over to the shrinks couch. I am totally losing my mind. I have to admit that I may be bipolar or have multiple personalities. LOL
Im kidding but the reason I say this is because I feel great and I feel yucky at the same time. Im happy. My funds are fine. My career outlook is fine. Im in a great mood. At the same time Im still kinda blah about my love life. Im kinda lonely but not seriously-sadly lonely. I guess horny is more appropriate...lol. I want the human contact but not badly enough to actually want to deal with someone.
How crazy is that? I mean, really? What options am I leaving myself? None. I could put a rush on ole girl and make her fall for me but I dont want to. Im not going to try to shape her into the perfect person for me. I know Im not physically that attracted (I can barely remember her name most of the time) so why even put any energy into that. If we go out and have fun, cool. If not, cool.
Shai keeps calling, like its ok? I dont understand. I know that she still has feelings, it is soooo obvious. A part of me still has a little something for her, even though she killed my heart. I am not considering going back there, and she is not offering. Do we work as friends? Time will tell. Better yet, why even be friends? We never hang out together. I never see her unless she comes to me. Her friends hate me, my friends hate her....lol. What do we get out of calling each other and stuff? Sigh. This sux. Why even bother?
I have a confession. There is this chick moving to houston in a while (of course she has a friend here but I think she will see how crazy the girl is in short order). Im putting her on my simmer list. She is at least on the surface what Im looking for. By the time I get myself right, she might be worth checking out.
Im starting on my self improvement kick. I have got to get some of this weight off NOW. I wish I could have lipo but thats not an option. lol. Im starting to work out. I am going to start walking next week. I have to, its not an option. My health has always been great, but Im starting too have some slight issues. Not cool. My family has a history of stuff popping up out of the blue and knocking them dead. Quickly. I dont want that to be me. Of course I am the only one who doesnt smoke or eat a lot of red meat, pork, fried stuff. I dont drink excessively either. Im not perfect but my lifestyle is a lot more healthy than theirs.
Alright, so Im going to track my weight loss. First weigh in will be not this Monday but the following monday.
Talk to you tomorrow. Yay Friday.
D
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Not Too Shabby
Today's Mood: Chill to the extreme
I actually had a great day. I did nothing but Olivia stuff and played online. I wrote some things in my MySpace blog that were pretty clear and concise. I really took the time to think about some of the characteristics I desire in a partner. Now, thats not too terribly important, but I finally understood that I have no need to settle for less than I really want.
Im going to be content waiting for the right one to stroll along, not go diving head first (literally) into the first person that is nice to me. Nice does not equal right. Now how long my libido will let me hold on to these new standards, I know not.
I physically have some little aches that are worrisome. Im afraid that I may be developing some sort of joint problem. I was freaking out, thinking Lupus, but nobody in my entire family has ever had that. Plus most of the time it would show up way before a person turns 4o.
I have no real deep thoughts today. No drama. No heartbreak. I talked to my little junior cutie last night. She is almost 30, isnt that sweet? I dont know what she wants from me, but she surely is fyne. And she calls herself a stud, with a body like that???? Yikes. Ok, honestly, I would be scared to try to fool around with her. Her body is so good she would make me feel like a fat azz cow. LOL. It is cool to look at her and drool, though. The only thing that makes me feel ok is that I was fine like that when I was young too....Age and gravity are doing some terrible things but Im still sexy...when you take your glasses off.
***** Totally irrelevant mini-rant*************
WHY did this guy just call the office to give us his change of address, but he didnt know what it was. Not only that but he put me on hold for 5 minutes while he went to find it. How crazy is that?? At least he was kinda nice. Slow, but nice.
Til tomorrow,
D
I actually had a great day. I did nothing but Olivia stuff and played online. I wrote some things in my MySpace blog that were pretty clear and concise. I really took the time to think about some of the characteristics I desire in a partner. Now, thats not too terribly important, but I finally understood that I have no need to settle for less than I really want.
Im going to be content waiting for the right one to stroll along, not go diving head first (literally) into the first person that is nice to me. Nice does not equal right. Now how long my libido will let me hold on to these new standards, I know not.
I physically have some little aches that are worrisome. Im afraid that I may be developing some sort of joint problem. I was freaking out, thinking Lupus, but nobody in my entire family has ever had that. Plus most of the time it would show up way before a person turns 4o.
I have no real deep thoughts today. No drama. No heartbreak. I talked to my little junior cutie last night. She is almost 30, isnt that sweet? I dont know what she wants from me, but she surely is fyne. And she calls herself a stud, with a body like that???? Yikes. Ok, honestly, I would be scared to try to fool around with her. Her body is so good she would make me feel like a fat azz cow. LOL. It is cool to look at her and drool, though. The only thing that makes me feel ok is that I was fine like that when I was young too....Age and gravity are doing some terrible things but Im still sexy...when you take your glasses off.
***** Totally irrelevant mini-rant*************
WHY did this guy just call the office to give us his change of address, but he didnt know what it was. Not only that but he put me on hold for 5 minutes while he went to find it. How crazy is that?? At least he was kinda nice. Slow, but nice.
Til tomorrow,
D
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Angry? Indefinable
Today's Mood-Confused
Today I am going to be really honest with my feelings. I am hurt, angry, and sad. I feel so alone, and its really wearing me out.
I look back over the last few months at some of the relationships that I had. I am trying to see what I did that was so terrible. I know I should not have loved someone who was in a relationship already. Maybe that karma is kicking my butt.
Overall, though, Im angry with those women. Im so angry and hurt that Baby would just shut me out, dropping me as a friend when I needed a friend more than anything. Im so furious at myself for letting my heart open to her. I knew better. I knew better. I knew. But it happened, and look what happened. It makes me sad to know that my coochie held more value to her than my heart and spirit. I alternate between wanting to reach out and say "why? you know what I have been through in my life. How could you treat me this way when all I did was love you??". What difference would those few words make? None. So I know that putting myself out there like that would just open the door to more hurt.
Im almost not even angry with G. Im just pissed that I wasted good sex on her. Excellent sex. She did not even deserve that much. The cynical me evaluates every relationship and weighs the loss factor. Did I give more than I got? In this case its a yes and no. I gave so much more energy to her than she gave to me. I think mainly I let her have that advantage because I mistook her blandness for the typical "stud" thing. I let her sit back and enjoy my sensuality without returning the passion, and I allowed her lame excuses. My bad. But on the other hand, I did not lose anything materialistically so Im gonna call it a wash.
Oh well. I guess my frustration is really with myself. I am honest with my feelings. Even though I withhold some of the deeper things that I feel, I always am honest with the people that I deal with. If I tell them that I care, I truly care. I care enough about them to do whatever I can to make them happy. I listen, I try to make them better, to enhance them. Why do I give even that much of myself?
My friend Felicia says that I need to be more detached than I already am. She always tells me that I don't need to believe anything they say, just watch what the do. The problem is that I do watch. They always treat me so well at first. Otherwise things would not go forward at all. The problem is most likely the fact that I am too good to them. I give them so much that they come to expect it. I don't know. Who cares? Im aggravated with myself for feeling so hurt and angry. I would rather feel a little lonely than to open myself and end up feeling so alone.
Alright, enough of that. Along the lines of my Olivia stuff, Im excited. There is a silver lining. I have so many people booking the trips right now that it is amazing. I spend a good part of each day working on this project and yes, it has finally grown into a potential full time gig. I will know for sure after the first of the year. Yay. So to those girls who dropped me when I was struggling, who made me feel like a worthless failure, I guess my time is coming. You shoulda stuck by me. You should have given me a chance instead of writing me off. I didnt kick any of them when they were down. Too bad I couldnt have the same compassion.
Today I am going to be really honest with my feelings. I am hurt, angry, and sad. I feel so alone, and its really wearing me out.
I look back over the last few months at some of the relationships that I had. I am trying to see what I did that was so terrible. I know I should not have loved someone who was in a relationship already. Maybe that karma is kicking my butt.
Overall, though, Im angry with those women. Im so angry and hurt that Baby would just shut me out, dropping me as a friend when I needed a friend more than anything. Im so furious at myself for letting my heart open to her. I knew better. I knew better. I knew. But it happened, and look what happened. It makes me sad to know that my coochie held more value to her than my heart and spirit. I alternate between wanting to reach out and say "why? you know what I have been through in my life. How could you treat me this way when all I did was love you??". What difference would those few words make? None. So I know that putting myself out there like that would just open the door to more hurt.
Im almost not even angry with G. Im just pissed that I wasted good sex on her. Excellent sex. She did not even deserve that much. The cynical me evaluates every relationship and weighs the loss factor. Did I give more than I got? In this case its a yes and no. I gave so much more energy to her than she gave to me. I think mainly I let her have that advantage because I mistook her blandness for the typical "stud" thing. I let her sit back and enjoy my sensuality without returning the passion, and I allowed her lame excuses. My bad. But on the other hand, I did not lose anything materialistically so Im gonna call it a wash.
Oh well. I guess my frustration is really with myself. I am honest with my feelings. Even though I withhold some of the deeper things that I feel, I always am honest with the people that I deal with. If I tell them that I care, I truly care. I care enough about them to do whatever I can to make them happy. I listen, I try to make them better, to enhance them. Why do I give even that much of myself?
My friend Felicia says that I need to be more detached than I already am. She always tells me that I don't need to believe anything they say, just watch what the do. The problem is that I do watch. They always treat me so well at first. Otherwise things would not go forward at all. The problem is most likely the fact that I am too good to them. I give them so much that they come to expect it. I don't know. Who cares? Im aggravated with myself for feeling so hurt and angry. I would rather feel a little lonely than to open myself and end up feeling so alone.
Alright, enough of that. Along the lines of my Olivia stuff, Im excited. There is a silver lining. I have so many people booking the trips right now that it is amazing. I spend a good part of each day working on this project and yes, it has finally grown into a potential full time gig. I will know for sure after the first of the year. Yay. So to those girls who dropped me when I was struggling, who made me feel like a worthless failure, I guess my time is coming. You shoulda stuck by me. You should have given me a chance instead of writing me off. I didnt kick any of them when they were down. Too bad I couldnt have the same compassion.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Monday, Funday...NOT
Today's Mood: eh?
Mondays almost universally suck. I worked at the club Sat and Sun night, not getting home until after 3 last night. Then, to have to roll up in this joint-gag. I wish I could just sleep for hours.
That is a bad sign to me. I am not a sleeper, even when Im tired. It just goes to show that I have too much drama going on in my life.
For once, its not women. Im pretty ok in that department. I have decided that Im going to take the idea that my cousin Teddi and I came up with when we were kids. Im going to date a few women, one to fulfil each of my needs. One is going to be my sex buddy, one will be cute and take me out in public-a trophy chick...One will be there for me emotionally and become my rock. Since there has not been one woman created who has all of these qualities, Im just giving the *f* up on waiting for her. Im gonna have a little harem. Of course they will know that Im not monogamous, so there won't be any dishonesty.
Ok, why am I stressed and somewhat depressed? My kid. I dont know what to do about him. I have tried and tried everything. He is forever in trouble and his probation officer is no help at all. I don't know what to do with him. He makes life so difficult. It makes me hesitant to even bring other people into my life because I cannot tell what he is going to do.
Oh well, Im just going to pray about it and hope for the best. I have 2 more years to deal with it and then he either has to get out or something. Its too much.
Ok on to love life.....Well I went on a first date with this chick last night. It was aight. She is not financially where she needs to be, but she seems like a nice person. Since I have my own financial struggles Im not judging her at all about that. She has a plan, which is the main requirement. Her plan does not depend on lottery tickets or a settlement, it is concrete and makes sense. Plus she is in school, and she has a backup plan in case anything happens to knock her off track. She looks ok, but I think she has a nice personality. Who knows. I dont know which role she is going to play in my new harem, if she will play any at all. We will see.
Work? eh. Lol. Same ole story. I will be spending more and more time working on my Olivia project. I think in the long run it will prove to be more lucrative than any other thing I have endeavored. Im also really getting some strong vibes for the book I want to write. I have scenes and lines swirling in my head. Its cooking, almost time to put it on paper.
Thats about it for today. Nothing too deep. I may write more later today. Overall Im in a decent place, all things considered.
Til the next time....
Mondays almost universally suck. I worked at the club Sat and Sun night, not getting home until after 3 last night. Then, to have to roll up in this joint-gag. I wish I could just sleep for hours.
That is a bad sign to me. I am not a sleeper, even when Im tired. It just goes to show that I have too much drama going on in my life.
For once, its not women. Im pretty ok in that department. I have decided that Im going to take the idea that my cousin Teddi and I came up with when we were kids. Im going to date a few women, one to fulfil each of my needs. One is going to be my sex buddy, one will be cute and take me out in public-a trophy chick...One will be there for me emotionally and become my rock. Since there has not been one woman created who has all of these qualities, Im just giving the *f* up on waiting for her. Im gonna have a little harem. Of course they will know that Im not monogamous, so there won't be any dishonesty.
Ok, why am I stressed and somewhat depressed? My kid. I dont know what to do about him. I have tried and tried everything. He is forever in trouble and his probation officer is no help at all. I don't know what to do with him. He makes life so difficult. It makes me hesitant to even bring other people into my life because I cannot tell what he is going to do.
Oh well, Im just going to pray about it and hope for the best. I have 2 more years to deal with it and then he either has to get out or something. Its too much.
Ok on to love life.....Well I went on a first date with this chick last night. It was aight. She is not financially where she needs to be, but she seems like a nice person. Since I have my own financial struggles Im not judging her at all about that. She has a plan, which is the main requirement. Her plan does not depend on lottery tickets or a settlement, it is concrete and makes sense. Plus she is in school, and she has a backup plan in case anything happens to knock her off track. She looks ok, but I think she has a nice personality. Who knows. I dont know which role she is going to play in my new harem, if she will play any at all. We will see.
Work? eh. Lol. Same ole story. I will be spending more and more time working on my Olivia project. I think in the long run it will prove to be more lucrative than any other thing I have endeavored. Im also really getting some strong vibes for the book I want to write. I have scenes and lines swirling in my head. Its cooking, almost time to put it on paper.
Thats about it for today. Nothing too deep. I may write more later today. Overall Im in a decent place, all things considered.
Til the next time....
Friday, September 21, 2007
Resuming The Rain
Its been a while. A long while. I have had a lot of time to reflect on things. There have been a lot of changes, some great and some necessary.
I went through the roughest time of my life since losing my grandmother. Its amazing. When everything happened, I call it the season of loss, when my dad, grandmother, mother, and other grandmother all passed within 5 years or so of each other, I thought I could never feel more alone. I created a wall, a forcefield that kept me from allowing anyone to penetrate my soul. I devised every trick in the world to keep people from getting deep enough to cause me that type of devastation if they should leave.
I know that I did the same for my kids, being a little distant but still loving. So afraid that if I loved them fully something would happen and they would be taken from me.
Well, over the years, that changed. I learned to freely love them and not to hold my breath in anticipation that something would happen to them because I loved them. I did not do the same for my other relationships. I constantly found ways to sabotage them. Or I would just let any obstacle be the breaking point. My heart could not yield. I could love, but not give all of me. I could not trust them to be there forever. I could not lean for fear that if I finally, finally let that sense of belonging flood me, and they did not stand....How would I handle living that pain again? A pain that I brought on myself by giving someone the opportunity to harm me.
Well, Blog, you know what happened with "Baby". You know that against my will she crept into my soul. I still never, ever fully leaned on her. I never fully trusted her to be there to catch me when I was in a freefall. Then things ended, but you know, she was forever still saying how much she loved me and was always going to be there.
Enter G. We got really close. Long story short, I trusted her enough to share my past, to share my fears...yadda yadda. She said she loved me.
Well I guess by the opening tone, its apparent what happened. But let me share the specifics....G. Wow.
Backing up. Lets lay the foundation. I changed jobs-Yay. But the downside is that the money is almost 20grand less before commission....Needless to say that its been a struggle making ends meet, but I never asked anyone to help me. I know that as soon as I start getting my commission, things will be better than ever.
Back to the story-I had a trip to Alaska planned. Things were not falling into place financially. Now, Im smart enough to know that I should have backed out of the trip but a friend was going with me and she had a lot of money invested. Because it was my trip, she could not go if I didnt go and she would lose everything she had put into it. No way could I do her like that.
So after stressing and stressing, I finally let the two people who meant the most to me in the world in. I guess G was the one I went to first, since she was calling me her wife and all. She knew what a struggle it was for me. She even bragged in front of friends about how she was gonna do this and do that. Finally when the day came that I broke down, she clearly said to me that she was not going to help me at all. Her words "Yes Im going to let you fall because of your poor planning"...She did not care at all. And you know what? The day I was over at her house, Labor Day, crying because the flight she promised to purchase for me at $229 but didnt was now amost $750.....She did not even come console me. She sat in the livingroom eating and laughing with her roommate.
Now Blog, anyone who knows me at all KNOWS that I am not materialistic, I never ask for anything. And Im very understanding. Blog, if she didnt have the money for it, why did she volunteer? And Blog, why would she let me cry, and not check on me? To me, that is the biggest letdown. Well that and her saying that she willingly let me hit the bottom because of what was in her opinion poor planning. Willingly let me fall? Wow. Knowing I have kids that need things, knowing that I try so hard to balance everything. Even knowing that when she needed some things, I was there for her financially without her even asking...I knew she had a need and I provided it.
Oh Blog. How could anyone be that way towards me? I would give my last to help a friend, much less someone I am supposed to love. But she could not even hold me?
And "Baby"-
When I asked her (against everything in me, i actually asked her for help) she said she could not do anything. She got angry with me because I said something about her knowing how hard it is for me to ask for anything and that this further convinced me that I should not lean on other people. In the back of my mind, a little devil keeps telling me that if we were still screwing like rabbits, it would have been nothing for her to help. She did not even offer. And she hasnt contacted me since.
Now, the thing is that the money came through anyway. Thats not really the issue. My issue is that if you really, really love someone, you care enough not to want them to hurt. Neither of these women gave enough of a damn to even try to be supportive. No "Im sorry baby, but its going to be ok?" Or "I dont have money but Im here if you need a shoulder". Nothing. All I got was "too bad, too sad, holla!"
It was a double repeat of the situation with the ex. When things got tough for me, she bailed. I know that the nightmares of both incidents were probably things that I could have avoided if I was more astute, but the bottom line is I know I would not leave anyone, even a friend, hanging when I could see that they were suffering. I would at least be there for moral support.
I always say that it takes a little rain to make a rainbow. Its so true. In both situations, the ones I gave my heart to left me in the middle of my storm. Almost immediately the clouds parted and everything was so much better than before. Today, things are fine. No worries, no stress. But Im alone, and I know that I will not give me heart again. I will not allow that feeling of abandonment touch me again.
I know there is nobody to lean on but me. I know that. I trust me to make it work when it seems like there is no hope. It does not hurt me to struggle. It hurts so much less to know Im alone in this world than to find out the hard way.
I went through the roughest time of my life since losing my grandmother. Its amazing. When everything happened, I call it the season of loss, when my dad, grandmother, mother, and other grandmother all passed within 5 years or so of each other, I thought I could never feel more alone. I created a wall, a forcefield that kept me from allowing anyone to penetrate my soul. I devised every trick in the world to keep people from getting deep enough to cause me that type of devastation if they should leave.
I know that I did the same for my kids, being a little distant but still loving. So afraid that if I loved them fully something would happen and they would be taken from me.
Well, over the years, that changed. I learned to freely love them and not to hold my breath in anticipation that something would happen to them because I loved them. I did not do the same for my other relationships. I constantly found ways to sabotage them. Or I would just let any obstacle be the breaking point. My heart could not yield. I could love, but not give all of me. I could not trust them to be there forever. I could not lean for fear that if I finally, finally let that sense of belonging flood me, and they did not stand....How would I handle living that pain again? A pain that I brought on myself by giving someone the opportunity to harm me.
Well, Blog, you know what happened with "Baby". You know that against my will she crept into my soul. I still never, ever fully leaned on her. I never fully trusted her to be there to catch me when I was in a freefall. Then things ended, but you know, she was forever still saying how much she loved me and was always going to be there.
Enter G. We got really close. Long story short, I trusted her enough to share my past, to share my fears...yadda yadda. She said she loved me.
Well I guess by the opening tone, its apparent what happened. But let me share the specifics....G. Wow.
Backing up. Lets lay the foundation. I changed jobs-Yay. But the downside is that the money is almost 20grand less before commission....Needless to say that its been a struggle making ends meet, but I never asked anyone to help me. I know that as soon as I start getting my commission, things will be better than ever.
Back to the story-I had a trip to Alaska planned. Things were not falling into place financially. Now, Im smart enough to know that I should have backed out of the trip but a friend was going with me and she had a lot of money invested. Because it was my trip, she could not go if I didnt go and she would lose everything she had put into it. No way could I do her like that.
So after stressing and stressing, I finally let the two people who meant the most to me in the world in. I guess G was the one I went to first, since she was calling me her wife and all. She knew what a struggle it was for me. She even bragged in front of friends about how she was gonna do this and do that. Finally when the day came that I broke down, she clearly said to me that she was not going to help me at all. Her words "Yes Im going to let you fall because of your poor planning"...She did not care at all. And you know what? The day I was over at her house, Labor Day, crying because the flight she promised to purchase for me at $229 but didnt was now amost $750.....She did not even come console me. She sat in the livingroom eating and laughing with her roommate.
Now Blog, anyone who knows me at all KNOWS that I am not materialistic, I never ask for anything. And Im very understanding. Blog, if she didnt have the money for it, why did she volunteer? And Blog, why would she let me cry, and not check on me? To me, that is the biggest letdown. Well that and her saying that she willingly let me hit the bottom because of what was in her opinion poor planning. Willingly let me fall? Wow. Knowing I have kids that need things, knowing that I try so hard to balance everything. Even knowing that when she needed some things, I was there for her financially without her even asking...I knew she had a need and I provided it.
Oh Blog. How could anyone be that way towards me? I would give my last to help a friend, much less someone I am supposed to love. But she could not even hold me?
And "Baby"-
When I asked her (against everything in me, i actually asked her for help) she said she could not do anything. She got angry with me because I said something about her knowing how hard it is for me to ask for anything and that this further convinced me that I should not lean on other people. In the back of my mind, a little devil keeps telling me that if we were still screwing like rabbits, it would have been nothing for her to help. She did not even offer. And she hasnt contacted me since.
Now, the thing is that the money came through anyway. Thats not really the issue. My issue is that if you really, really love someone, you care enough not to want them to hurt. Neither of these women gave enough of a damn to even try to be supportive. No "Im sorry baby, but its going to be ok?" Or "I dont have money but Im here if you need a shoulder". Nothing. All I got was "too bad, too sad, holla!"
It was a double repeat of the situation with the ex. When things got tough for me, she bailed. I know that the nightmares of both incidents were probably things that I could have avoided if I was more astute, but the bottom line is I know I would not leave anyone, even a friend, hanging when I could see that they were suffering. I would at least be there for moral support.
I always say that it takes a little rain to make a rainbow. Its so true. In both situations, the ones I gave my heart to left me in the middle of my storm. Almost immediately the clouds parted and everything was so much better than before. Today, things are fine. No worries, no stress. But Im alone, and I know that I will not give me heart again. I will not allow that feeling of abandonment touch me again.
I know there is nobody to lean on but me. I know that. I trust me to make it work when it seems like there is no hope. It does not hurt me to struggle. It hurts so much less to know Im alone in this world than to find out the hard way.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Fickle?
Today's Mood: Decent
Today is going to be an aight kinda day, I think. I woke up in a good mood. "G" (not J-lol) called me early early to make sure I didnt oversleep. I thought that was sweet. Normally I would start waving the stalker flag but she is pushing jussssst enough, not too hard. We talked a lot yesterday about real stuff, not just flirty & light stuff. I found out a few things that make her tick and I let her in a tiny bit.
I am not anywhere NEAR ready to open up to her or anyone else. Baby and I are drifting apart-slowly but obviously. For me, its like watching it on tv. I think I detached myself last week when we had blowup # 150000. We have talked and talked about giving her space to work on her relationship but honestly I was getting enough from her emotionally that I didnt care what she said. I made sure to keep myself in her periphery. I would give her an inch of space then crowd right back in.
Im thinking that this time, I am the one who started wanting more from her than she could give. I think I decided that I needed something else. When we pulled back at the same time, nobody was willing or able to reach across the void to draw the other back in. So we drifted out of arms reach. The feelings are still there, but the distance is making them feel less powerful.
This leads me back to G. I am not falling in love with her or anything. Actually I dont know what I want to do with her but its so early in our whatever that I don't have to worry about it. I am proceeding with caution.
I guess thats about it for now. If there is anything new and earthshattering I will let you know.
Toodles
Today is going to be an aight kinda day, I think. I woke up in a good mood. "G" (not J-lol) called me early early to make sure I didnt oversleep. I thought that was sweet. Normally I would start waving the stalker flag but she is pushing jussssst enough, not too hard. We talked a lot yesterday about real stuff, not just flirty & light stuff. I found out a few things that make her tick and I let her in a tiny bit.
I am not anywhere NEAR ready to open up to her or anyone else. Baby and I are drifting apart-slowly but obviously. For me, its like watching it on tv. I think I detached myself last week when we had blowup # 150000. We have talked and talked about giving her space to work on her relationship but honestly I was getting enough from her emotionally that I didnt care what she said. I made sure to keep myself in her periphery. I would give her an inch of space then crowd right back in.
Im thinking that this time, I am the one who started wanting more from her than she could give. I think I decided that I needed something else. When we pulled back at the same time, nobody was willing or able to reach across the void to draw the other back in. So we drifted out of arms reach. The feelings are still there, but the distance is making them feel less powerful.
This leads me back to G. I am not falling in love with her or anything. Actually I dont know what I want to do with her but its so early in our whatever that I don't have to worry about it. I am proceeding with caution.
I guess thats about it for now. If there is anything new and earthshattering I will let you know.
Toodles
Monday, July 9, 2007
Another Day....
Today's Mood: Aight, Tired, Blah
Good news, I got my check on Saturday. Bad news, it was still a little short but at least I was able to pay my bills.
I got so wasted on Sunday! I had a blast. I hung out with my friends, playing drinking games in a restaurant. We had a bunch of laughs, it was great. Then I meandered over to Berryhill. My former flame was there. We had a good time. I am an official fag hag now. The boys were buying me drink after drink after drink. Everytime I looked down my glass was being refilled.
I find it so interesting that my former flame "R" is so interested in trying to get back into my good graces. She is calling me, texting, all of that. I know she has not left her relationship and I vowed that after Baby, I would not think about dating someone in a relationship. I keep telling myself that but then I see those green, green eyes it it is so hard to take the high road. I dont understand how these great women get all partnered up with dummies who don't appreciate them. I mean they have the complete and total package. And their partners wont even fulfill the most basic of their requirements. Its so sad.
I don't want to always be the go-to girl when their lovers wont be lovers. Its not fair to me. Its not fair to them, and by providing an outlet for them is enabling. It allows them to avoid confronting their issues, thus creating a false sense of harmony.
Oh well, I have to be a big girl about it. I have to remember that its not all about me and my needs. I have to start doing the right thing.
Alright, speaking of doing the wrong thing...I decided to have a little company last night. I let "J" come over. I dont even know why I did. Oh yes I do-its because I was bored, lonely, and horny. We had an interesting evening to say the least. I realize that my body just will not let me screw around unless there is some emotion there. I mean, we played a lot but I couldnt cross over the line. She is sweet (and already showing signs of attachment...sigh) but Im just not sure I can go there with her.
Oh I got rid of Nursey. I told her I wasnt sure I could date a femme but I was kinda sorta willing to try. She went off the deep end. She kept ranting and raving about roleplaying this and that, and the other. I finally told her she was getting on my nerves and it wasnt that major. She got pissed and hasnt called back. LOL If shorting out the others was that easy I would have it made.
N,J,D,R,S...Oh man, I have an alphabet soup of women floating in my atmosphere right now and I really dont know what to do, who to turn to, anything. I know who I would like to be with but thats an impossibility. I just have to sit back and see who sticks and who doesnt.
Until tomorrow
Good news, I got my check on Saturday. Bad news, it was still a little short but at least I was able to pay my bills.
I got so wasted on Sunday! I had a blast. I hung out with my friends, playing drinking games in a restaurant. We had a bunch of laughs, it was great. Then I meandered over to Berryhill. My former flame was there. We had a good time. I am an official fag hag now. The boys were buying me drink after drink after drink. Everytime I looked down my glass was being refilled.
I find it so interesting that my former flame "R" is so interested in trying to get back into my good graces. She is calling me, texting, all of that. I know she has not left her relationship and I vowed that after Baby, I would not think about dating someone in a relationship. I keep telling myself that but then I see those green, green eyes it it is so hard to take the high road. I dont understand how these great women get all partnered up with dummies who don't appreciate them. I mean they have the complete and total package. And their partners wont even fulfill the most basic of their requirements. Its so sad.
I don't want to always be the go-to girl when their lovers wont be lovers. Its not fair to me. Its not fair to them, and by providing an outlet for them is enabling. It allows them to avoid confronting their issues, thus creating a false sense of harmony.
Oh well, I have to be a big girl about it. I have to remember that its not all about me and my needs. I have to start doing the right thing.
Alright, speaking of doing the wrong thing...I decided to have a little company last night. I let "J" come over. I dont even know why I did. Oh yes I do-its because I was bored, lonely, and horny. We had an interesting evening to say the least. I realize that my body just will not let me screw around unless there is some emotion there. I mean, we played a lot but I couldnt cross over the line. She is sweet (and already showing signs of attachment...sigh) but Im just not sure I can go there with her.
Oh I got rid of Nursey. I told her I wasnt sure I could date a femme but I was kinda sorta willing to try. She went off the deep end. She kept ranting and raving about roleplaying this and that, and the other. I finally told her she was getting on my nerves and it wasnt that major. She got pissed and hasnt called back. LOL If shorting out the others was that easy I would have it made.
N,J,D,R,S...Oh man, I have an alphabet soup of women floating in my atmosphere right now and I really dont know what to do, who to turn to, anything. I know who I would like to be with but thats an impossibility. I just have to sit back and see who sticks and who doesnt.
Until tomorrow
Friday, July 6, 2007
Stormy Weather
Today's Mood: Irritable and Angry
First of all, where the heck is my check? My company did not send it this week so now Im going to be very late with my responsibilities. They screwed something up because I am being paid more than the max for this position. That sux. Hopefully they will get it resolved today and fedex something to me this weekend or monday. I had a feeling something was going to happen.
As far as the other stuff with my dear Baby-ugh. Right now I could just throw my sandal at her. She doesn't even realize that she is hurting me or making me feel a certain kind of way. And when I show my feelings, her nonchalance just makes me more angry. I know she is all gaga over her wifey today-its a given. I mean, they rarely have romantic sex and I helped orchestrate it last night. But does that mean she is not supposed to be sweet to me today? Does that warrant her ignoring me for the majority of the day?
I wonder why they think that I can deal with anything and everything with a smile. I have so many pressures weighing on me and I do deal with everything, I know I do. But its not easy.
I digress. This is about her. I honestly dont know what is making me so mad. I think its the fact that almost every day she is just on me-texting, emailing, chatting-whatever. Then today the first thing she says is Hi-I got some and it was great. 2 or 3 hours pass. Then I get a We had a patio dealie. Ok. 2 more hours pass and she finally pops in like its nothing. Am I supposed to be ok with that? Am I the only one who can see that she was a little....discourteous and not thoughtful at all?
Sigh.
Why do I even put myself through all of this torture.
And whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this other girl, we will call her Nursey, why is she blowing up my freakin phone allllll day? I went out with her 1.5 times. The date wasnt even all that. She has called me all day today, texted me all day. I never answer her calls in the office-not once. But she still keeps calling. And texting. And calling. She is working on my last nerve and in a minute Im not going to care if she has beyonce tickets for me or not. I dont know what is wrong with these people.
You know what, Blog? Im over it. Im just going to chill and not even worry about the consequences. I need a break and Im taking it. Im going to find some lucky as hell cute little scrub girl who has no potential for relationship and just sex her. Take the edge off. And cut all these others loose.
Why bother?
First of all, where the heck is my check? My company did not send it this week so now Im going to be very late with my responsibilities. They screwed something up because I am being paid more than the max for this position. That sux. Hopefully they will get it resolved today and fedex something to me this weekend or monday. I had a feeling something was going to happen.
As far as the other stuff with my dear Baby-ugh. Right now I could just throw my sandal at her. She doesn't even realize that she is hurting me or making me feel a certain kind of way. And when I show my feelings, her nonchalance just makes me more angry. I know she is all gaga over her wifey today-its a given. I mean, they rarely have romantic sex and I helped orchestrate it last night. But does that mean she is not supposed to be sweet to me today? Does that warrant her ignoring me for the majority of the day?
I guess part of what really, truly pisses me off is that I feel like she is so blind. She gets all revved up because this girl finally broke her off a little. She isnt thinking about all the begging and pleading she had to do to get it. She forgets the tears and insecurity that comes before the queen decides to placate her minion. She acts like this was so wonderful when the girl basically had to give it to her. She had no other excuses. Her cycle-over. Tired-no, short work week. Ummm, just did it? Heck no. Ummmm Mad? nope. Im saying, if we had a long azz conversation about why I dont give up the skins and I could not come up with a feasible excuse, I guess it would have to go down. There was no other option. Why doesnt she see that. This girls pattern has not varied since I have known them.
Beg, beg, cry, give, cuddle, beg, cry, beg, give, give. Then start all over again. Wait a minute, maybe too much givin is in my list. It should average twice a month.
The ultimate thing that pisses me the fuck off is that she wants to treat me like a freakin accessory now that she is all blissful. Its almost laughable. I want to see, just want to see what is going to happen in 2-3 weeks. I pray that wifey does continue to do her thing for the next couple of days. I forsee it happening this weekend and thats it. She will have fulfilled her duties for another few weeks. When things get sketchy again, or shall I say when she gets comfortable again, then what?
I have told my sweetie (ugh) that the day will indeed come when this type of swinging tosses me away. Then when she comes down, she is going to be even more miserable. She already knows its going to happen sooner or later, she just doesnt want to know. All that said, I dont want her unhappy. I truly wish ole girl would get it right. But if she hasnt gotten her act together after what, 3 years? 2? why now? Im not confident that she knows how dire her situation in. But if Im out of the picture I guess its not dire at all.
I wonder why they think that I can deal with anything and everything with a smile. I have so many pressures weighing on me and I do deal with everything, I know I do. But its not easy.
I digress. This is about her. I honestly dont know what is making me so mad. I think its the fact that almost every day she is just on me-texting, emailing, chatting-whatever. Then today the first thing she says is Hi-I got some and it was great. 2 or 3 hours pass. Then I get a We had a patio dealie. Ok. 2 more hours pass and she finally pops in like its nothing. Am I supposed to be ok with that? Am I the only one who can see that she was a little....discourteous and not thoughtful at all?
Sigh.
Why do I even put myself through all of this torture.
And whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this other girl, we will call her Nursey, why is she blowing up my freakin phone allllll day? I went out with her 1.5 times. The date wasnt even all that. She has called me all day today, texted me all day. I never answer her calls in the office-not once. But she still keeps calling. And texting. And calling. She is working on my last nerve and in a minute Im not going to care if she has beyonce tickets for me or not. I dont know what is wrong with these people.
You know what, Blog? Im over it. Im just going to chill and not even worry about the consequences. I need a break and Im taking it. Im going to find some lucky as hell cute little scrub girl who has no potential for relationship and just sex her. Take the edge off. And cut all these others loose.
Why bother?
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