Wow More Thoughts

Today's Mood: Weird, Happy, Irritated

I guess today is another Bi-Polar Day. I am in a great mood. I am also really feeling conflicted about a couple of things. More on that in a few minutes. Im irritated because of my job. We are short staffed already and my boss knew he and our admin asst. were going to be out of the office most of today and tomorrow. Now, I personally don't have much to do but I get so aggravated answering the phones all day. The main reason it drives me nuts is because I dont work in the temp area so I dont know the answers to any of their questions. It sux. On top of that we have a big corporate visitor tomorrow, so all the trifling things that they never do up front have to be fixed. They have known about this visit for a week......So now instead of getting someone in yesterday to train a little and be ready to roll today, they are rushing to get someone in this afternoon. I hate disorganization.

So why the confusion? Im a little disconcerted by the way I feel in regards to a conversation I had with my ex last night. We have been keeping in touch with each other, trying to develop a friendship. Over the last few weeks, I have been really missing her. Missing the things that we used to do together, the fun we used to have. I feel as if the girls that I have dated have not measured up to her. They are all lacking something that she brought to the table. Now Im not foolish enough to only remember the good parts of our relationship. I know we both kinda sucked. But there are still feelings there.

So our talk-it was interesting. She expressed that she was so in love with her girlfriend. That they would be together for life. That was her "Baby". But in every other breath she was talking about how much she missed me and how I meant so very much to her.

I guess if you really care about someone, the feelings never die. I feel like I have to walk a tightrope here. Its tricky because I know, I KNOW, in my heart, that if I wanted to lure her back I could easily do it. I know she has a soft spot for me and I know she regrets mucking up our relationship. But she is allegedly happy now, happier than she has been in her life. She has the perfect wifey, quiet, easygoing, no kids, etc. She has the perfect life. Im not going to bring that to the table. My world is chaotic, ever changing. Exciting, yes. Peaceful, sometimes. I don't think its worth the trade, unless we are truly meant to be together. And if we are, we will come together when the timing is right.

Which in essence was the entire problem from the start. I had battle wounds, she had battle wounds. Neither of us had healing time before we got together. Our timing was so far off, yet we tried to make it work. Thats never a great idea. I just hope that one or both of us use good common sense and dont get too distracted with the idea of forbidden love blossoming again.

That leads up to Baby. Im trying to decide if I even want to keep in touch with her at all. Our communications are so distant and cold. I will deal with her on a professional level. Im not sure we will ever be true friends again. I don't understand how you can turn off real feelings. As I said before, I feel as if she didnt truly love me, she was infatuated. If she did love me, she never would have left me when I was not ok. She would have been there, and she would have understood how much I really needed her. I needed her compassion, her shoulder. You know, Im always getting hurt when I bend a little and try to lean on one of these women. Every single time.

I have had so many issues with trust, and then every time I try to come out of the box and try-I am dropped on the floor again and again. Do I just give up? Do I stop even letting them see any fragility? I dont know what to do but self-preservation says do not lean on anyone ever.

So about the ex-what to do? Nothing. I just have to sit back in the cut. I know she is going to take 2 steps towards me and 3 steps back. She did that when we were together, so why change now? Im not going there, though.

I met this new person online. Im scared of her. She seems to be exactly EXACTLY what I have been asking for. I have not met her in person, but Im frightened to death. What if she is the one? She has more qualities that I look for than anyone Ive met. With my great luck she will not be interested in me once we meet. Im not going to met her for a month. I need to work my fat butt out before I meet someone like her. She is so fine!!

Anyway, Im going to go now. The phones in this office are ringing like crazy. I will give you more info tomorrow.

Ciao!

A Vanilla Day

Today's Mood-Pretty Happy

Today was an absolutely vanilla day. Nothing special happened. Nothing bad, nothing good. I dont feel especially buckwild joy and I dont feel any type of sorrow. I didn't work hard, but I wasnt bored. Just a vanilla day.

I had a good time playing around on Yahoo Personals. I saw a couple of cuties and sent them some messages. Who knows if they will reply. I don't even really care-lol.

Thats about it for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be more colorful.

Bye-

Big Thangs Poppin

Today's Mood: Fabulous

Ok where to start?

I indulged myself last night with sushi and wine. And a little more wine. It was excellent. I got in the bed fairly early and slept like a baby. This morning, I woke up refreshed-ah the difference between real wine and that stuff in a box...I digress...lol

I checked my email from my cell, why? I dont know. I never check it in the morning. What do I see but a LONG email from Olivia. It was asking for more input from me and offering much more support! Of course it put a huge smile on my face. So I bounced out of bed like I was 21 again and headed in to work. Yuck. Ok, I admit that I am over this job. But, I will hang on to it until something better, equal, other comes along.

So Im sitting here pissed because my big boss is being a butt...a sure sign that Im heading out the door, but still dont aggravate me while Im on my way...lol As my brows furrow deeper, I get a call on my cell. What tha? Its a San Fran area code, not a bill collector! So I answer and lo! Its the owner of Olivia, calling to see how Im doing!! Making sure that Im ok. WOW! So now I ask myself, am I about to kick off and somebody called Make-A-Wish Foundation on my behalf? I don't think so.

After a while I was able to close my mouth and stop drooling. I love those girls over there soooo much. They seem to know exactly when Im getting irritated. Dealing with these black women is often a trial. A royal pain in the buttocks. But they are really reaching out. So now I have to find a couple of other women of color who-the horrors-get an all expense paid 7 day cruise. The bad part is I don't want to find anyone who is already booked because that would be stupid. They would have to get a refund. Most of the people I know are already booked. So I have a little work cut out for me.

Guess what else? I heard from CD. She has been downgraded from Baby-lol. Our communications have been like two strangers. And thats being generous. I dont think she ever loved me, I think it was infatuation. Oh well, Im not crying about it. Thats the way life is. We are all wired with a defect-we do not have that chip that lets us discern what is real love and what is bogus until we are done with the person. I know I loved her, I know she was the first person I truly loved. Too bad.

Im smart enough to know that my heart has to break a few times. Karma owes me for the hearts Ive broken and the things I have done that were not right. I guess Im in trouble because normally I dont invest any of my inner self in these relationships. I went all the way with her, and a little deeper than normal with G. Im glad I have had the space to throttle back now. Hopefully my wall is reinforced now and I dont have to worry about ever getting hurt again. At least not for a while.

Ah life is good for now. I will keep you posted as new things transpire.

Til lata,

D

Is It Really Thursday?

Today's Mood: Fine...Fine...FINE!

Ok Blog. I think its time for me to make a trek over to the shrinks couch. I am totally losing my mind. I have to admit that I may be bipolar or have multiple personalities. LOL

Im kidding but the reason I say this is because I feel great and I feel yucky at the same time. Im happy. My funds are fine. My career outlook is fine. Im in a great mood. At the same time Im still kinda blah about my love life. Im kinda lonely but not seriously-sadly lonely. I guess horny is more appropriate...lol. I want the human contact but not badly enough to actually want to deal with someone.

How crazy is that? I mean, really? What options am I leaving myself? None. I could put a rush on ole girl and make her fall for me but I dont want to. Im not going to try to shape her into the perfect person for me. I know Im not physically that attracted (I can barely remember her name most of the time) so why even put any energy into that. If we go out and have fun, cool. If not, cool.

Shai keeps calling, like its ok? I dont understand. I know that she still has feelings, it is soooo obvious. A part of me still has a little something for her, even though she killed my heart. I am not considering going back there, and she is not offering. Do we work as friends? Time will tell. Better yet, why even be friends? We never hang out together. I never see her unless she comes to me. Her friends hate me, my friends hate her....lol. What do we get out of calling each other and stuff? Sigh. This sux. Why even bother?

I have a confession. There is this chick moving to houston in a while (of course she has a friend here but I think she will see how crazy the girl is in short order). Im putting her on my simmer list. She is at least on the surface what Im looking for. By the time I get myself right, she might be worth checking out.

Im starting on my self improvement kick. I have got to get some of this weight off NOW. I wish I could have lipo but thats not an option. lol. Im starting to work out. I am going to start walking next week. I have to, its not an option. My health has always been great, but Im starting too have some slight issues. Not cool. My family has a history of stuff popping up out of the blue and knocking them dead. Quickly. I dont want that to be me. Of course I am the only one who doesnt smoke or eat a lot of red meat, pork, fried stuff. I dont drink excessively either. Im not perfect but my lifestyle is a lot more healthy than theirs.

Alright, so Im going to track my weight loss. First weigh in will be not this Monday but the following monday.

Talk to you tomorrow. Yay Friday.

D

Not Too Shabby

Today's Mood: Chill to the extreme

I actually had a great day. I did nothing but Olivia stuff and played online. I wrote some things in my MySpace blog that were pretty clear and concise. I really took the time to think about some of the characteristics I desire in a partner. Now, thats not too terribly important, but I finally understood that I have no need to settle for less than I really want.

Im going to be content waiting for the right one to stroll along, not go diving head first (literally) into the first person that is nice to me. Nice does not equal right. Now how long my libido will let me hold on to these new standards, I know not.

I physically have some little aches that are worrisome. Im afraid that I may be developing some sort of joint problem. I was freaking out, thinking Lupus, but nobody in my entire family has ever had that. Plus most of the time it would show up way before a person turns 4o.

I have no real deep thoughts today. No drama. No heartbreak. I talked to my little junior cutie last night. She is almost 30, isnt that sweet? I dont know what she wants from me, but she surely is fyne. And she calls herself a stud, with a body like that???? Yikes. Ok, honestly, I would be scared to try to fool around with her. Her body is so good she would make me feel like a fat azz cow. LOL. It is cool to look at her and drool, though. The only thing that makes me feel ok is that I was fine like that when I was young too....Age and gravity are doing some terrible things but Im still sexy...when you take your glasses off.

***** Totally irrelevant mini-rant*************

WHY did this guy just call the office to give us his change of address, but he didnt know what it was. Not only that but he put me on hold for 5 minutes while he went to find it. How crazy is that?? At least he was kinda nice. Slow, but nice.

Til tomorrow,

D

Angry? Indefinable

Today's Mood-Confused

Today I am going to be really honest with my feelings. I am hurt, angry, and sad. I feel so alone, and its really wearing me out.

I look back over the last few months at some of the relationships that I had. I am trying to see what I did that was so terrible. I know I should not have loved someone who was in a relationship already. Maybe that karma is kicking my butt.

Overall, though, Im angry with those women. Im so angry and hurt that Baby would just shut me out, dropping me as a friend when I needed a friend more than anything. Im so furious at myself for letting my heart open to her. I knew better. I knew better. I knew. But it happened, and look what happened. It makes me sad to know that my coochie held more value to her than my heart and spirit. I alternate between wanting to reach out and say "why? you know what I have been through in my life. How could you treat me this way when all I did was love you??". What difference would those few words make? None. So I know that putting myself out there like that would just open the door to more hurt.

Im almost not even angry with G. Im just pissed that I wasted good sex on her. Excellent sex. She did not even deserve that much. The cynical me evaluates every relationship and weighs the loss factor. Did I give more than I got? In this case its a yes and no. I gave so much more energy to her than she gave to me. I think mainly I let her have that advantage because I mistook her blandness for the typical "stud" thing. I let her sit back and enjoy my sensuality without returning the passion, and I allowed her lame excuses. My bad. But on the other hand, I did not lose anything materialistically so Im gonna call it a wash.

Oh well. I guess my frustration is really with myself. I am honest with my feelings. Even though I withhold some of the deeper things that I feel, I always am honest with the people that I deal with. If I tell them that I care, I truly care. I care enough about them to do whatever I can to make them happy. I listen, I try to make them better, to enhance them. Why do I give even that much of myself?

My friend Felicia says that I need to be more detached than I already am. She always tells me that I don't need to believe anything they say, just watch what the do. The problem is that I do watch. They always treat me so well at first. Otherwise things would not go forward at all. The problem is most likely the fact that I am too good to them. I give them so much that they come to expect it. I don't know. Who cares? Im aggravated with myself for feeling so hurt and angry. I would rather feel a little lonely than to open myself and end up feeling so alone.

Alright, enough of that. Along the lines of my Olivia stuff, Im excited. There is a silver lining. I have so many people booking the trips right now that it is amazing. I spend a good part of each day working on this project and yes, it has finally grown into a potential full time gig. I will know for sure after the first of the year. Yay. So to those girls who dropped me when I was struggling, who made me feel like a worthless failure, I guess my time is coming. You shoulda stuck by me. You should have given me a chance instead of writing me off. I didnt kick any of them when they were down. Too bad I couldnt have the same compassion.

Monday, Funday...NOT

Today's Mood: eh?

Mondays almost universally suck. I worked at the club Sat and Sun night, not getting home until after 3 last night. Then, to have to roll up in this joint-gag. I wish I could just sleep for hours.

That is a bad sign to me. I am not a sleeper, even when Im tired. It just goes to show that I have too much drama going on in my life.

For once, its not women. Im pretty ok in that department. I have decided that Im going to take the idea that my cousin Teddi and I came up with when we were kids. Im going to date a few women, one to fulfil each of my needs. One is going to be my sex buddy, one will be cute and take me out in public-a trophy chick...One will be there for me emotionally and become my rock. Since there has not been one woman created who has all of these qualities, Im just giving the *f* up on waiting for her. Im gonna have a little harem. Of course they will know that Im not monogamous, so there won't be any dishonesty.

Ok, why am I stressed and somewhat depressed? My kid. I dont know what to do about him. I have tried and tried everything. He is forever in trouble and his probation officer is no help at all. I don't know what to do with him. He makes life so difficult. It makes me hesitant to even bring other people into my life because I cannot tell what he is going to do.

Oh well, Im just going to pray about it and hope for the best. I have 2 more years to deal with it and then he either has to get out or something. Its too much.

Ok on to love life.....Well I went on a first date with this chick last night. It was aight. She is not financially where she needs to be, but she seems like a nice person. Since I have my own financial struggles Im not judging her at all about that. She has a plan, which is the main requirement. Her plan does not depend on lottery tickets or a settlement, it is concrete and makes sense. Plus she is in school, and she has a backup plan in case anything happens to knock her off track. She looks ok, but I think she has a nice personality. Who knows. I dont know which role she is going to play in my new harem, if she will play any at all. We will see.

Work? eh. Lol. Same ole story. I will be spending more and more time working on my Olivia project. I think in the long run it will prove to be more lucrative than any other thing I have endeavored. Im also really getting some strong vibes for the book I want to write. I have scenes and lines swirling in my head. Its cooking, almost time to put it on paper.

Thats about it for today. Nothing too deep. I may write more later today. Overall Im in a decent place, all things considered.

Til the next time....

Resuming The Rain

Its been a while. A long while. I have had a lot of time to reflect on things. There have been a lot of changes, some great and some necessary.

I went through the roughest time of my life since losing my grandmother. Its amazing. When everything happened, I call it the season of loss, when my dad, grandmother, mother, and other grandmother all passed within 5 years or so of each other, I thought I could never feel more alone. I created a wall, a forcefield that kept me from allowing anyone to penetrate my soul. I devised every trick in the world to keep people from getting deep enough to cause me that type of devastation if they should leave.

I know that I did the same for my kids, being a little distant but still loving. So afraid that if I loved them fully something would happen and they would be taken from me.

Well, over the years, that changed. I learned to freely love them and not to hold my breath in anticipation that something would happen to them because I loved them. I did not do the same for my other relationships. I constantly found ways to sabotage them. Or I would just let any obstacle be the breaking point. My heart could not yield. I could love, but not give all of me. I could not trust them to be there forever. I could not lean for fear that if I finally, finally let that sense of belonging flood me, and they did not stand....How would I handle living that pain again? A pain that I brought on myself by giving someone the opportunity to harm me.

Well, Blog, you know what happened with "Baby". You know that against my will she crept into my soul. I still never, ever fully leaned on her. I never fully trusted her to be there to catch me when I was in a freefall. Then things ended, but you know, she was forever still saying how much she loved me and was always going to be there.

Enter G. We got really close. Long story short, I trusted her enough to share my past, to share my fears...yadda yadda. She said she loved me.

Well I guess by the opening tone, its apparent what happened. But let me share the specifics....G. Wow.

Backing up. Lets lay the foundation. I changed jobs-Yay. But the downside is that the money is almost 20grand less before commission....Needless to say that its been a struggle making ends meet, but I never asked anyone to help me. I know that as soon as I start getting my commission, things will be better than ever.

Back to the story-I had a trip to Alaska planned. Things were not falling into place financially. Now, Im smart enough to know that I should have backed out of the trip but a friend was going with me and she had a lot of money invested. Because it was my trip, she could not go if I didnt go and she would lose everything she had put into it. No way could I do her like that.

So after stressing and stressing, I finally let the two people who meant the most to me in the world in. I guess G was the one I went to first, since she was calling me her wife and all. She knew what a struggle it was for me. She even bragged in front of friends about how she was gonna do this and do that. Finally when the day came that I broke down, she clearly said to me that she was not going to help me at all. Her words "Yes Im going to let you fall because of your poor planning"...She did not care at all. And you know what? The day I was over at her house, Labor Day, crying because the flight she promised to purchase for me at $229 but didnt was now amost $750.....She did not even come console me. She sat in the livingroom eating and laughing with her roommate.

Now Blog, anyone who knows me at all KNOWS that I am not materialistic, I never ask for anything. And Im very understanding. Blog, if she didnt have the money for it, why did she volunteer? And Blog, why would she let me cry, and not check on me? To me, that is the biggest letdown. Well that and her saying that she willingly let me hit the bottom because of what was in her opinion poor planning. Willingly let me fall? Wow. Knowing I have kids that need things, knowing that I try so hard to balance everything. Even knowing that when she needed some things, I was there for her financially without her even asking...I knew she had a need and I provided it.

Oh Blog. How could anyone be that way towards me? I would give my last to help a friend, much less someone I am supposed to love. But she could not even hold me?

And "Baby"-

When I asked her (against everything in me, i actually asked her for help) she said she could not do anything. She got angry with me because I said something about her knowing how hard it is for me to ask for anything and that this further convinced me that I should not lean on other people. In the back of my mind, a little devil keeps telling me that if we were still screwing like rabbits, it would have been nothing for her to help. She did not even offer. And she hasnt contacted me since.

Now, the thing is that the money came through anyway. Thats not really the issue. My issue is that if you really, really love someone, you care enough not to want them to hurt. Neither of these women gave enough of a damn to even try to be supportive. No "Im sorry baby, but its going to be ok?" Or "I dont have money but Im here if you need a shoulder". Nothing. All I got was "too bad, too sad, holla!"

It was a double repeat of the situation with the ex. When things got tough for me, she bailed. I know that the nightmares of both incidents were probably things that I could have avoided if I was more astute, but the bottom line is I know I would not leave anyone, even a friend, hanging when I could see that they were suffering. I would at least be there for moral support.

I always say that it takes a little rain to make a rainbow. Its so true. In both situations, the ones I gave my heart to left me in the middle of my storm. Almost immediately the clouds parted and everything was so much better than before. Today, things are fine. No worries, no stress. But Im alone, and I know that I will not give me heart again. I will not allow that feeling of abandonment touch me again.

I know there is nobody to lean on but me. I know that. I trust me to make it work when it seems like there is no hope. It does not hurt me to struggle. It hurts so much less to know Im alone in this world than to find out the hard way.

Fickle?

Today's Mood: Decent

Today is going to be an aight kinda day, I think. I woke up in a good mood. "G" (not J-lol) called me early early to make sure I didnt oversleep. I thought that was sweet. Normally I would start waving the stalker flag but she is pushing jussssst enough, not too hard. We talked a lot yesterday about real stuff, not just flirty & light stuff. I found out a few things that make her tick and I let her in a tiny bit.

I am not anywhere NEAR ready to open up to her or anyone else. Baby and I are drifting apart-slowly but obviously. For me, its like watching it on tv. I think I detached myself last week when we had blowup # 150000. We have talked and talked about giving her space to work on her relationship but honestly I was getting enough from her emotionally that I didnt care what she said. I made sure to keep myself in her periphery. I would give her an inch of space then crowd right back in.

Im thinking that this time, I am the one who started wanting more from her than she could give. I think I decided that I needed something else. When we pulled back at the same time, nobody was willing or able to reach across the void to draw the other back in. So we drifted out of arms reach. The feelings are still there, but the distance is making them feel less powerful.

This leads me back to G. I am not falling in love with her or anything. Actually I dont know what I want to do with her but its so early in our whatever that I don't have to worry about it. I am proceeding with caution.

I guess thats about it for now. If there is anything new and earthshattering I will let you know.

Toodles

Another Day....

Today's Mood: Aight, Tired, Blah

Good news, I got my check on Saturday. Bad news, it was still a little short but at least I was able to pay my bills.

I got so wasted on Sunday! I had a blast. I hung out with my friends, playing drinking games in a restaurant. We had a bunch of laughs, it was great. Then I meandered over to Berryhill. My former flame was there. We had a good time. I am an official fag hag now. The boys were buying me drink after drink after drink. Everytime I looked down my glass was being refilled.

I find it so interesting that my former flame "R" is so interested in trying to get back into my good graces. She is calling me, texting, all of that. I know she has not left her relationship and I vowed that after Baby, I would not think about dating someone in a relationship. I keep telling myself that but then I see those green, green eyes it it is so hard to take the high road. I dont understand how these great women get all partnered up with dummies who don't appreciate them. I mean they have the complete and total package. And their partners wont even fulfill the most basic of their requirements. Its so sad.

I don't want to always be the go-to girl when their lovers wont be lovers. Its not fair to me. Its not fair to them, and by providing an outlet for them is enabling. It allows them to avoid confronting their issues, thus creating a false sense of harmony.

Oh well, I have to be a big girl about it. I have to remember that its not all about me and my needs. I have to start doing the right thing.

Alright, speaking of doing the wrong thing...I decided to have a little company last night. I let "J" come over. I dont even know why I did. Oh yes I do-its because I was bored, lonely, and horny. We had an interesting evening to say the least. I realize that my body just will not let me screw around unless there is some emotion there. I mean, we played a lot but I couldnt cross over the line. She is sweet (and already showing signs of attachment...sigh) but Im just not sure I can go there with her.

Oh I got rid of Nursey. I told her I wasnt sure I could date a femme but I was kinda sorta willing to try. She went off the deep end. She kept ranting and raving about roleplaying this and that, and the other. I finally told her she was getting on my nerves and it wasnt that major. She got pissed and hasnt called back. LOL If shorting out the others was that easy I would have it made.

N,J,D,R,S...Oh man, I have an alphabet soup of women floating in my atmosphere right now and I really dont know what to do, who to turn to, anything. I know who I would like to be with but thats an impossibility. I just have to sit back and see who sticks and who doesnt.

Until tomorrow

Stormy Weather

Today's Mood: Irritable and Angry

First of all, where the heck is my check? My company did not send it this week so now Im going to be very late with my responsibilities. They screwed something up because I am being paid more than the max for this position. That sux. Hopefully they will get it resolved today and fedex something to me this weekend or monday. I had a feeling something was going to happen.

As far as the other stuff with my dear Baby-ugh. Right now I could just throw my sandal at her. She doesn't even realize that she is hurting me or making me feel a certain kind of way. And when I show my feelings, her nonchalance just makes me more angry. I know she is all gaga over her wifey today-its a given. I mean, they rarely have romantic sex and I helped orchestrate it last night. But does that mean she is not supposed to be sweet to me today? Does that warrant her ignoring me for the majority of the day?

I guess part of what really, truly pisses me off is that I feel like she is so blind. She gets all revved up because this girl finally broke her off a little. She isnt thinking about all the begging and pleading she had to do to get it. She forgets the tears and insecurity that comes before the queen decides to placate her minion. She acts like this was so wonderful when the girl basically had to give it to her. She had no other excuses. Her cycle-over. Tired-no, short work week. Ummm, just did it? Heck no. Ummmm Mad? nope. Im saying, if we had a long azz conversation about why I dont give up the skins and I could not come up with a feasible excuse, I guess it would have to go down. There was no other option. Why doesnt she see that. This girls pattern has not varied since I have known them.

Beg, beg, cry, give, cuddle, beg, cry, beg, give, give. Then start all over again. Wait a minute, maybe too much givin is in my list. It should average twice a month.

The ultimate thing that pisses me the fuck off is that she wants to treat me like a freakin accessory now that she is all blissful. Its almost laughable. I want to see, just want to see what is going to happen in 2-3 weeks. I pray that wifey does continue to do her thing for the next couple of days. I forsee it happening this weekend and thats it. She will have fulfilled her duties for another few weeks. When things get sketchy again, or shall I say when she gets comfortable again, then what?

I have told my sweetie (ugh) that the day will indeed come when this type of swinging tosses me away. Then when she comes down, she is going to be even more miserable. She already knows its going to happen sooner or later, she just doesnt want to know. All that said, I dont want her unhappy. I truly wish ole girl would get it right. But if she hasnt gotten her act together after what, 3 years? 2? why now? Im not confident that she knows how dire her situation in. But if Im out of the picture I guess its not dire at all.

Sometimes I know I should just run for the hills. Today I feel like Im halfway up the mountain, and if she lets me run until I reach the summit there won't be any looking back. Sometimes I think a lot of things. Today, I wonder why people think I am not supposed to feel?

I wonder why they think that I can deal with anything and everything with a smile. I have so many pressures weighing on me and I do deal with everything, I know I do. But its not easy.

I digress. This is about her. I honestly dont know what is making me so mad. I think its the fact that almost every day she is just on me-texting, emailing, chatting-whatever. Then today the first thing she says is Hi-I got some and it was great. 2 or 3 hours pass. Then I get a We had a patio dealie. Ok. 2 more hours pass and she finally pops in like its nothing. Am I supposed to be ok with that? Am I the only one who can see that she was a little....discourteous and not thoughtful at all?

Sigh.

Why do I even put myself through all of this torture.

And whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this other girl, we will call her Nursey, why is she blowing up my freakin phone allllll day? I went out with her 1.5 times. The date wasnt even all that. She has called me all day today, texted me all day. I never answer her calls in the office-not once. But she still keeps calling. And texting. And calling. She is working on my last nerve and in a minute Im not going to care if she has beyonce tickets for me or not. I dont know what is wrong with these people.

You know what, Blog? Im over it. Im just going to chill and not even worry about the consequences. I need a break and Im taking it. Im going to find some lucky as hell cute little scrub girl who has no potential for relationship and just sex her. Take the edge off. And cut all these others loose.

Why bother?

The Statue

I didnt realize until today that I am a statue
In your eyes
Not a flesh and blood woman,
With tender skin, blood that flows
When pricked.

I now know that to you,
I am stone, iron, shell
Lacking the ability to feel
Nothing you can say harms me
Nothing penetrates the core

You don't see a soul
a heart
You just see,
Something? What?
Maybe nothing at all.

You must see me as a statue
bronzed, impenetrable, strong.
Impervious to the daggers of your words.
Otherwise you are just uncaring, insensitive
Oblivious.

I am becoming your creation
You are slowly making me into that which you see
The day will come when I feel nothing
Say, do what you will,
I will stand unflinchingly. Gone.

Back In Effect

Today's Mood: Somber

I have been away for a while. Nothing exceedingly exciting has happened in the last few weeks. Lets see, broke up with my Babe, got back together kinda, broke up again, I think we kinda got back...who knows?

I also went to San Francisco for pride weekend. It was a lot of fun. Saw some sights that I have never seen before. It was so lonely though, doing that by myself.

I will breeze by the fact that I started a new job, have some other irons in the fire. My kids are doing fine.

Im going to skip right into whats really on my mind. I am so......I guess the word is lonely. This is not something that I often feel. Its like everything in the cosmos is conspiring to make sure that I do not forget that I am alone. I try to watch LOGO channel and all I can find is shows about lesbians and gays getting married. I went to San Fran and everyone was all coupled up. I talk to my friend and all we can talk about is how to salvage her relationship with her partner.

I think the thing that makes me feel so lonely is that there are a lot of girls interested in doing something with me. I know some just want to get in my panties. Some want to get to know me. But Im not attracted to any of them at all. I see couples coming into the club where I work. I look at them and they are all so happy together. I wonder what is my problem. Maybe I should settle for someone that I dont really want. Does desire grow with time?

Today I spent a lot of time talking with my ex. I know she still has feelings for me. I know that with a little prompting we can start dating again. All of my worries would be alleviated-she is financially fit, decent looking, and fun. BUT we had so many other issues that I think what we shared is probably gone. I gave her a test today, just to see where her head is. I will see what she opted to do in a couple of days.

My thing is, as easy as it would be to fall back into that, I dont want to. I dont have any itch for her or anyone else. Maybe Im destined to be that old lady with a bunch of cats. Who knows?

Oh I did pick up a stalker. She is a bit obsessive about getting to know me. She is giving me a full court press, no matter how much I ignore her calls or tell her to pump the brakes. Again, it would be so easy to just let her have her way and chill into a relationship but Im not feeling her at all. Not even a little.

I know exactly what I want. Maybe thats the problem. I need certain qualities and Im not finding that total package in any of these women. I keep telling (asking) my friend if she is willing to settle for less in her relationship. I told her that she can only make her own decisions, but if she is not willing to get off her butt and make something happen, she has no reason to sit and cry when her problems are never resolved.

I look at myself and think about what I have to bring to the table. Decent looking, good job, my own stuff, some mediocre but improving steadily credit (lol). Im nice, sensual, loving. The only thing that I would consider a drawback would be the fact that Im not where I want to be financially YET, but Im not struggling. Maybe the kids would hinder some women. But my package is strong.

I normally dont feel so lonely. I usually am pretty happy in life. I guess I want someone to be there for me. Someone to need me. I dont know-I want my hand held. Thats not too much to ask for.

Enough melodrama for now. I will probably feel better tomorrow, or later tonight after I grab some sushi.

~D

Final Entry For Now

I have to take a little break. I have a lot of things going on that will take up my time. Wait, no, I vowed to be honest.

The truth is that Im even getting tired of reading about my drama. Im tired of sharing my innermost, most intimate self. It matters not what I say or do, people will still form their perception of me and of my actions based on their own realities.

I will say that opening up myself is so hard for me. Letting people know how soft I am, how vulnerable...Putting myself out there so that they can see how much I care....It just doesn't work for me, I guess. They still see my outer strength and translate that into something that makes it easy to handle me in a less than gentle way. They forget that I lead with my heart outstretched, that my feelings are tender, and easily bruised. They forget that I dont often get angry, I get hurt. My openess, my honesty-it all morphs into something else when its processed.

Im tired. Who gives a dayum anyway. At the end of the day, my feelings are inconsequential and don't really affect anyone else.

Bye.

Tired and Trifling Thursday

Today's Mood: IRRITATED

This has been the longest day in history. I am in a horrible mood. There is no major reason for it. I had great news from Olivia Cruises today. They are going to use me more fully to promote in the African American Lesbian community. I am going several places and gaining tons of new skills. I really look forward to seeing whats around the corner with that.

The other side, love life.....Im not even talking about that. Im not happy with her today. I know, yesterday I was loving her more than sushi. Today, I still love her but I am so...LIVID because she...well she hurt my feelings by being a typical tomboyish female. They do not think about feelings or stuff like that until its too late and they are in the dog house. What makes it worse is I know she is not even worried about it right now. She is totally focused on what she is doing. So Im sitting here pissed and she could give less than a dayum. At least thats what I think. Who knows? I won't know because she cannot find a way to spend 1 minute with me until sometime next month.

What really hurt is when she was outlining her day, explaining why she couldnt spend a half a second just to text me, and she said she had to talk to her girlfriend....Ok I know its borderline irrational to let that bother me. I know her relationship. I encourage it. BUT she has never, ever made me feel so....inconsequential before. Just like she feels she has to talk to the wife, she should feel like she has to talk to me.

Anyway, Im not happy. I feel that she was insensitive. I know she is busy and I sent her all these loving notes letting her know that I was thinking of her. Wanting to make sure she had a smile and a mental hug because I just KNEW she was missing me as much as I was missing her. Um uh-uh. I didnt even rate a text until I sent her one first. Mid afternoon.

Now I feel like an idiot. Not good.

Wack Wednesday

Today's Mood: Hangin....

I am SOOOO BORED. Im not only bored with work but bored at home too. Im doing very little here in my last few days at work. I have nothing to do. There is no need for me to build a rapport with any new students so Im farming out new leads to my coworkers.

I have spent the last hour working on Olivia stuff. The more I work on it, the more frustrated I get. Dealing with black women is a pain in the azz. I am so sick of the crab in a barrel mentality. Why cant we work together to make things happen?

I am suffering from too much coffee. Im so high right now and I cannot sit still. They shouldnt keep it so friggin cold 'up in hurr' lol.

Love talk? Well my Baby continues to bring me joy. Yesterday she told me she had a full day with her job and her wife, so I wouldnt hear from her until late today. I pouted and resigned myself to flying solo for the majority of the day. I even set my alarm clock to wake me, something I havent done in months because she always starts my day off with a smile.

This morning, I was laying there (pouting still) and she texted me! I was so surprised and happy. She also spent a lot of time with me today, unexpectedly. I have always begged and pleaded for my partners/lovers to LISTEN to me. I do not ask for a lot. I am so appreciative of the little things. She does that so well. She hears what I say and what I dont say. Amazing.

Im enjoying getting to know her. I think that her situation is actually making things go more smoothly between us. In my experience, when you do the long distance thing, or even the new dating thing, you get all caught up so fast. In our community that is the running joke. What do lesbians bring to the 2nd date? A U-Haul. whatever. But knowing that she is in a relationship makes us keep things in some miniscule perspective. I mean, we are out of control but we do pump the brakes when things get to be too, too much.

Instead of causing problems, it is allowing us to get to know each other slowly. To learn the other's good, bad, and ugly. We have to move slowly, and not get caught up in the newness.

So today, Im loving her more than yesterday. How is that possible?

Thoughtful Tuesday

Today's Mood: Duh, thoughful. lol

I am thankful for the new opportunity that has opened up for me with my new job. I sit here and dread every second that ticks off the clock. I forgot how very much I hate working here, but now its crystal clear.

You would think that on my final days, I would feel melancholy. Hellz no. My boss is still an ass. He had the nerve to email me saying I had only called 2 clients all day. WTF? I have been so busy today. I interviewed 3 people, finished up a couple of others. I called a bunch of people today. I even gave advice to another recruiter who wants to quit. I HATE THIS JOB. They never stroke you or compliment you unless you are about to bounce. Thats not good or smart management.

Oh well, I only have to deal with it for a couple of days. I guess I can hang in there that long.

Love life? Hmmmm? Everything is very good with Baby. We are still cruising along on a gentle breeze. Im learning more about her and caring about her more. Not just loving but caring. Its different. I want to hear about her day, what she does. I want to make sure she is ok and that I do whatever I can to make her smile. I care about how things that transpire throught her day affect her life. I want to know more and more.

I think she is feeling the same. I have to keep reassuring her that Im not trying to pull her out of her relationship. Im not. I told her (and the world) a million times that I need for her to sit tight until she is ready to make a move and I am ready to receive her. Now is definitely not the time. I think my kids would drive her even more insane than she is. They are so ghetto-lol.

So I guess when it comes to talk of lovin her, Im doing that. Its good. Nuff said.

The other chick "S"??? Gotta go. She is a fruitcake. That goes to show that everything that looks good to ya aint good for ya. I thought she was a sweetheart but she is OFF. She is still pissed-lol. Yet, the idiot does not realize that we only went on 2 (count em) 2 dates and talked on the phone about maybe 2 weeks. I barely know her. I still have to think hard to remember her last name. Whatever. Im cuttin her all the way loose. I thought she would get it when I stopped calling but apparently Im going to have to have a conversation. I hate conversations. I wonder why so many black lesbians are off their rockers?

Im not stressing today. I have faith that everything is going to be great. Im excited about receiving my travel arrangements to San Fran Pride. Yay! Olivia put me up in a beautiful hotel. I told them Motel 6 woudl be aight cause Im not going to be in there very much anyway. I have my flight booked. Now I just have to get the money together for the vendor space.

So thats about it for today. Im going to be outta here in about 2 hours or so. Cant wait. Im going to bed early tonight. I have to be here in hell early, but I definitely need some time with my Baby. I have to think of something special to do for her. She needs a treat to reward her for making me so happy.

Til tomorrow....

Monday Funday

Today's Mood: Silly and Stressed

Ok, today I think I am about 15 years old. I have been in the very best mood all day. Im joking with my coworkers. Teasing my Baby. Im smiling and just happy.

Maybe its because the day started off so well. I laugh now because the phone scared me to death when she sent my first text. I had risen in the night and put the phone on my pillow like a lovesick idiot. When her ringtone sounded, my azz almost fell out of the bed. LOL.

We started off warm and ended up blazing hot, as we often do. Its our special chemistry that allows such passion while we are so far apart.

The day meandered into a silly, fun day. I joked with her off and on, teased my coworkers. Discovered even more ghetto reasons why I have to leave this job. Everyone is griping and moaning, its not even that major. I am outta here, they can stick around if they want to.

I was stressing a little because I have so many things to pay this week. I hate bills. Ugh. But luckily it will all be fine, we will just have to eat oodles of noodles for the next little bit. The only thing that is stressing me is starting this new job. I am doing ok financially but the way the salary is set up is going to be a trial for the first month. I have the week without a check. Then we get paid every week. Im used to getting a nice lumpy check biweekly. Also, since the base is a lot lower than what I make now, they are paying me the difference in a monthy "bonus" check. So I have a smaller amount coming in for 3 weeks and then one fat check at the end of the month. I don't know how that is going to affect my tightly controlled bill-rotation. I keep everything in order, and now I have to reevaluate and shuffle some things. Yikes.

I wont even talk about having to upgrade my wardrobe. Thats the hardest part. Im between plus sizes and regular. That in itself is a mess. Now I have to buy suits and dressy clothes. I hate shopping and I really don't need to spend the extra cash. Im going to have to suck it up and go for it.

Ah-money is no biggie. It comes and goes. Overall, Im so happy and excited. Everything is going so well with me, all is right with the world. Im making new friends, learning more about my old ones. My kids are wildin out, but I guess thats part of being a teenager.

I need to find advice on how to handle sexually active boys. I try to give them advice. I try to talk to them about respecting females. About condoms and std's. I try to talk to them about being safe and careful. Who knows what sticks and what doesnt. I guess I can just blindly wish for them to make it through the fire unscathed. I am guiding them as much as I can, but they are becoming men. Ugh. I dont even want to think about it.

Im ready to go to sleep right now. It will make my phone ring faster.

Sunday, Eh...

Today's Mood: Aight

Where to start? This has been a wicked, exhausting weekend.

I guess I will go back to Saturday. It happened again. I was in the grocery store, just walking around. I went to the ghetto Mexican grocery store, because they have the best veggies and fruits. So Im strolling along, and I see this couple-older white guy and middle aged black woman. I only notice them because they dont look like they would be together but they looked happy. I see all other kinds of people because there are always sights to see at this grocery store.

Anyway, I try to go down a lane and they are blocking my way. I laugh and tease them about hogging the row. They laugh too and move over so I can get by. As they pass, the guy said "Maam, we were talking about you earlier". I say "Huh" because I was confused. Then he said "We were talking about how beautiful you are". I just smiled and said thanks. Ok on one level I know all kinds of weirdos go to this store and maybe they were swingers...and oh you know. I dont even want to think of it. On the other hand, how sweet was that? They didn't do or say anything else and we crossed paths a few more times. I swear I have no idea what people see when they look at me. I don't. I wish there was some kind of way....I do not think Im even pretty, just average. I wanted to call my Baby and tell her about it but now Im cautious not to sound like Im bragging. Its unreal to me.

So on to "S". That babe is showing psycho tendencies already. I saw her at the club on Friday nite. She was with her other friend but she ran out there to where I was working as soon as she could ditch the girl. We talked. She said (LOL just thinking about it) "You hurt the baby" LOLOLOL. I was cracking up. Was she serious?????WTF???? LOL

After I got up off the floor, I said I was sorry? for hurting her (LOL) feelings. I don't get it. Not trying to be heartless but we only went out twice. There was no action between us. Heck I even paid for drinks.. I told her I was seeing other people. She is too. So what the hell is the problem? I think the problem is she is nuts. I am going to find a therapist and see if I can get a bonus for referring people to her. So now she wants to try to work it out (LOL) and go from there. Whatever. She has worn out her welcome.

I am more than happy with my Baby right now. I miss her terribly and hate that we cannot spend more time together. Today, I wanted to call her a million times. I love how she calls me as soon as she gets 2 free minutes. It makes me smile. Right now, if I was to look into my rational mind, I would probably worry a little. Im so content with her. I still feel as if she is the perfect person for me. She is the total package that I have asked for. Well, except for that tiny little thingy called being hitched. Other than that, she would be perfection.

Enough about her. Today I went to an all lesbian basketball tournament. No, not a WNBA game lol. It was a hood, ghetto tournament featurning job-lite baby studs. So many breastless little boys. The young femmes were no better. They had on shorts the size of my drawz and all their huge titties hanging out. They looked like they were going to the club, not a ball game. It was a superghetto fashion show. I was tripping with my friends. A few of them looked so much like dudes, we felt the need to ask for birth certificates. I had a blast, acting nutty with my friends.

So thats bout it for the weekend. Worked at the club as usual. I had fun and didnt really flirt as much as usual. At least I didnt try to flirt. It was easy. My mind was focused on other stuff. So tomorrow I get to play with my Baby and reconnect after the weekend. I also start my last week at Remington College. I don't know how to take it. Its going to be so weird. I need to go take a drug test tomorrow as well. Uh oh. LOL. Nah, that wont be a problem unless this red wine is laced with something.

Im going to bed now. It will make the time for my text from my Baby get here faster. Until tomorrow....

Finally Friday

Today's Mood: Happy, Sad, Nervous

Lets see. I missed yesterday because my bootleg computer was acting up. Sorry. Lets talk about everything that is going on.

Work: I am so torn about taking the new job. My boss is making it difficult. He counter-offered and tossed in more incentives. I just can't do it. I was walking to the snack machine and it hit me again how much I hate this place. I love my students and my coworkers, but the job itself sux. I do appreciate how awesome they are being to me and I do see that they recognize that I am a valuable employee. I guess that counts for something. It makes me happy.

I am terribly nervous about taking on the new job. Im entering a foreign land. I have to be trained. What if Im too old or too stupid? What if I can't cut it. There is always a job at McDonalds... I think Im kinda looking forward to the challenge. I want to see if Im all that or if I have just been lucky. Its going to be hard to go from being one of the top dawgs to being a little peon.

Why am I sad? Im sad because I haven't had enough time with my baby. She has been mad busy the last few days. I guess coming off of our wonderful weekend, I am going through withdrawals. She is still there, we are still in love. Nothing negative is between us. I just miss her so much. Too much. I love the fact that even though her days are swamped, she still makes time to call or text whenever she can.

What is so weird to me is that in the past, I wouldnt even be able to discern the effort she makes to keep me happy. I also would not have noticed that she does this because she wants to spend time with me, not just to appease me. I know our limited time to play is tough on her too.

What about the other chick I was seeing? Well she is still tripping over the time she saw me with my Baby last weekend. Oh well. Thats her bad. Its making me nervous because if she is acting all nuts after 2 platonic dates...psycho tendencies. We are scheduled for a conversation sometime this weekend, and I guess that will be it.

Im starting to work on a play. The ideas are clicking into place. I think it will be interesting. I just have to map it out, and think of a way to make it different, funny, unique. There are 50 million different plays out there that make no money and are so ghetto. I don't want this to be one of them.

This is another not-so-deep day. Im just floating along. Happy with my relationship (or whatever it is), dealing with the changes. Content. Lets hope it stays that way.

Wanting Wanted Wednesday

Today's Mood: Loved, wanted, desired

Today has been a good day. It started out with my so-distracted Baby texting me. Her mind was in a million places today so our talking was sporadic. I enjoyed her nonetheless. Any time we have to share is wonderful.

I made it in to work almost on time. Found out that I did get the new job (yay). I gave my notice to my boss but he wouldnt accept it. He said I would get at least $5000/yr raise....hootie hooo big deal. Thats about an additional $100 week. So not acceptable when you think about the fact that we only get one raise a year. So not acceptable when my coworkers still make more than me and I do as much or more than them. In fact all of their numbers are in a decline but mine are in an increase. Oh well. I wouldnt stay for anything. I hate that job.

I need to get my sophistication back. Working there has made me get so ghetto. My vocabulary is slipping. I am not mentally challenged at all. My only concerns are the fact that they may ask me to leave without working my notice and its up to them if they want to pay out my notice or just tell me to get-to-steppin. Also I now have to get some new clothes. I need suits and dressier things. No more capris and lazy clothes. Im excited though, and its a great opportunity.

What else is new? I feel so consumed by my baby's love. I wrote something for her tonight that gave me shivers while I was writing it. Loving her is making me so open. I am more everything. More creative, more loving, more passionate, more patient. I can't wait for her to read it in the morning. She is going to die. I literally almost had an orgasm envisioning the scenes that I wrote about.

I think she is so good for me. Im forever telling her how she makes my life better. What she does for me. I want to know what I bring to her. How do I make her happy, how do I enrich her life. I know how I confuse her-lol. I definitely know how to infuriate her. I want to know what draws her to me from her perspective.

I wonder what kind of woman I am sometimes. I am so many people wrapped up in one. I am so crazy. Im almost 40 but I still play like a kid. I love to play tricks, tell jokes. I love to make people laugh. I am also a fighter. I hardly ever get mad about transgressions against myself but if you mess with one of mine or someone weaker, its ON. I am strong but so fragile at the same time. I think in my life, most people get focused on my strength that they don't see the ultra sensitive side of me. Im passionate, outgoing but still shy on the inside. Im vivacious in public but so content to have quiet time alone. Most time I prefer to chill alone or with a mate. Im driven but not competitive or money motivated. I guess Im a weirdo. A conundrum.

I dont have anything deep to talk about tonight. I am feeling loved and wanted. Its so beautiful. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can harm me. She makes me feel so wonderful. Im happy with life.

Tomorrow I will try to find something to be insightful about....


I am done with self reflection for the YEAR. LOL I traumatized myself yesterday and Im not going there today.

Tuesday Tales

Today's Mood: Chill

This has been an emotional rollercoaster of a day. Lets see. It started out...interesting. My beautiful wakeup text was....interesting to say the least. She woke me asking questions about her wife. It was a strange thing to me, but it didn't make me angry or hurt my feelings. I guess Im strange because I love knowing that we are close enough for her to come at me like that. Now, I will admit that it threw me off a little. I feel that the morning texts and talks are our special time. I can't have her alllll the time, but I do cherish starting my day with her.

Ok so moving on past that, the day progressed to become even more interesting. I got to work and apparently I am going to be offered the new job. So of course it was nearly impossible to do anything at all today. In the course of talking with her about stuff she revealed an extremely annoying habit that I have-one I wasn't aware of. At first I was defensive, I mean, who wants to hear that they are not perfection. Then I dug a little deeper into myself and opened up a door that I was not prepared to open. I realized a lot about myself and remembered some painful, painful things from my childhood.

We talked about how I have always been made to feel unattractive by my mom. I didnt tell her that until I went to college, I wouldnt even look up when I walked through the halls in school. No-I changed a little towards the end of 12th grade. I had some friends, but I wouldn't really talk to anyone that I didnt know well. I was teased about being stuck up, when I was so painfully shy that I could barely string 3 words into a sentence.

I was forced to think about my mother. She used to slyly beat me down, and I have to admit that I am still a little angry about it. I definitely remember her telling me that I wasnt cute, my hair wasnt long enough. She would find joy sometimes in my missteps. A crazy memory is when I accidentally dyed my hair flame red. She thought that was so funny. She was disappointed when I had sense enough to buy some dark dye and even it out to a rich mahogany color that was beautiful.

I remember when I was the flower girl in a wedding. I was already painfully shy but right before I walked down the aisle, she said I wouldnt be able to do it with all of those people looking at me. She said if I messed up they would laugh. I remember, I think I was about 6 or 7, I remember when I walked out, the lady on the end was smiling and nodding at me. In my childish mind I thought she was laughing at me because mama said they would laugh. I started crying and ran all the way down. She fussed at me for throwing big clumps of flowers and never tried to comfort me. My grandmother always tried to step in and fix me. Her favorite thing to say was "Val, leave that child alone". I remember it like yesterday.

I remember, gosh do I remember, I remember her telling me that I was a princess. You would think that was a good thing. But to her I was a princess because I didnt like things to be junky. I didnt like for my clothes to smell smoky. I didnt eat chitterlings. Anything that was unique to me made me a snobby princess who thought she was better than everyone else. I heard this a million times. Sometimes if I cleaned up my room, she would bring all of my clean clothes upstairs and dump them all over my bed and the floor. I don't know why she was so jealous. And mean. And I don't know how these memories faded away. Heck, I dont know why Im not totally nuts. Wait...Oh yea. I am.

My Granny did so much to act as a buffer. She bought me nice and stylish clothes when mom said she couldnt afford it. She made sure I got to be in things like girl scouts to help make friends. She was always putting me in things to make me be in the public eye-like Christmas pageants, missionaries, church things. She would not let me be a cripple to my shyness. She made me take dance lessons, gymnastics, swimming. All of that. She also encouraged my reading. Mom said I was being stuck up, always up in my room reading with the door locked. Like the quiet time was a bad thing. Like I was doing something wrong.

Granny always bought me books. She bought makeup and taught me how to use it. She took me to get on the pill when I thought it might be time to do that. Mom called me a whore and a slut. Granny went with me to the clinic and taught me about how to value myself.

Hmmmm. As I told my Baby today, self-reflection sux. I am old. My mom and Granny are long deceased. Why are all of these thoughts coming out now? What good is it going to do?

In 12th grade, I was voted one of the senior class beauties. I cried and cried. I thought it was a joke at first, but somehow people elected me to that position. When I got to college, I ran with the wild, pretty crowd of freshmen. I felt like a fraud. So many days I would lock up in my room and cry because I felt that they would find out that I was not good enough and gang up on me or something equally foolish. I guess I developed some self esteem during that time though. When I pledged my sorority, that helped too.

Those who know me know about my last relationship and how she kinda drop-kicked me back to that place where I questioned my value. I mean, if you have lived almost your entire life being told how ugly you are and how you just don't measure up...How even though you get excellent grades, your dropout brother is still the darling of the family and can do no wrong. How you can go to college but ummm too bad if you need anything that your scholarships dont provide but hey your brother can have a car and no job (other than drug dealing, but we will pay for the car and whatnot)---what was my point? oh yeah...My point is living like that for so many years, climbing out of it, and having someone who you trust to love you and protect you tell you that you are fat and unappealing. Tell you that they don't want you because you turn them off with your fat azz.......I guess it flipped me back to those years.

Today, today I am....better? I never see what other people see when they look at me. I still sometimes see that buck toothed girl with the greasy jheri curl and the big lime green polyester dress that I was forced to wear until I cut it up. Or the green and purple jumper.....The one that the kids thought was so hilarious. The one that when I begged not to wear it I was scolded and told to be glad I had anything.....I see that girl. I try to see what they see. I feel confident most of the time now. I know Im ok-but the flashes from the past hit me when I don't expect them. I know Im ok, though. I know Im not a horrid looking woman. My mind knows it but my heart still feels like that little reject kid.

Self reflection truly sux. For real. My Baby said I sounded like I was a braggart when I talk about people being interested in me. It kinda hurt my feelings at first, but being a realist I understand where she was coming from. Nobody knows my history. They don't know that when talk about it, its with wonder and surprise, not bragging. It still surprises me when people react to me like Im attractive or whatever. I know it shouldn't but it does. And sometimes I babble about it. Im going to have to watch that but its still...weird.

Mmmm Monday

Today's Mood: Blissful

I hate missing days from here. This is a place where I find peace and clarity. Fortunately this weekend provided me with all of that and much, much more.

My Baby was here this weekend, and we spent so much time in each other's presence. She came in on Thursday, and didn't leave until Sunday evening. So of course you can see why writing in this blog was the last thing on my mind.

Where do I start? Maybe I should start with how I felt on Thursday as I waited for her to get here. I was a myriad of volatile emotions. Almost every feeling was tossed in the mix. I was excited to see her again after being apart for so long. I was nervous because I didnt know how we would react to each other after all the drama we have been through. I was...scared..that my reality would not measure up to her expectations. That maybe our first time together was a fluke.

Needless to say, my fears were groundless. We had the most beautiful time. I guess almost every emotion did come to the surface after all. I love her so much. Thats really all I can think about. As soon as I saw her, all doubts went out the window.

We had so much fun just being together. We did a WNBA game, which sucked cause we lost. We ate out at my fave place. I almost cried when I smelled the leftovers. I remember the way she looked at me across the table. Her feelings truly shine from her beautiful eyes. I think I needed to see her to know just how deeply she is into this.

I don't want to elaborate on the sexual part. It was spiritual to me. Im going to keep that part in my secret internal place, for only our memories to share. I will say that I went to places that Ive never been. I love her scent. I love her taste. I am enraptured by her moans. I was near tears so many times because even when we were going at it like wild things, it was an incredible merging of spirits and bodies. Physically we are perfect together but now that our emotions are more in harmony-it was unbelievable.

I feel like we are better everything after this visit. Definitely better lovers and most importantly better friends. What we have is like a little tender green shoot, just breaking through the surface and reaching for sunlight. We have to be so careful to keep it nurtured and not to give it toooo much light causing it to wither and burn.

I digress......

When she left me on Sunday, I was a mess. A total wreck. I was so miserable that I ended up laughing at my own self. It was hilarious, I was acting like the world was ending. This girl is the only person who has caused me to get in the bed, in the fetal position (lol), and act all super dramatic. Living the emotions is unusual to me. I can almost always shut down and just act like "its all good". Not with her. She demands that I give her all of me, honestly and completely. I guess by opening up it makes it so much harder to close the gates on my feelings when I want to. I finally got it together and went out with some friends to an L-Word viewing party. Thats about when my mind drifted from the loving, sweet thoughts to the hot sexual memories of the weekend. Now Im ready for more.

Thats enough of that for now. Today I have a final interview with this company that I like. I will write in tomorrow to report if I get out of this jail or not.

Kiss This Clown

Today's Mood: Silly, Excited, Wild

This has been a very good and fun day. I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve. My Baby will be here tomorrow. I cannot wait to see her. Today, she woke me up so early with her text-it was early even for her. I know she is getting excited as well. She wants to know everything I have planned and this sista aint tellin. She will have to suffer until we have time together.

Work.....You would think work sux but I guess Im too happy to give a rip. My first phone call was an irate person. So what!? I sent her flowers and rainbows mentally and wished her a happy azz day. lol. I had some good clients and some scrounges. Got in a fight with a student who was trying to eat the bribe...I mean pizza that our boss bought our department to keep morale up. Dayum scavengers. They act like they never had a hot meal in life.

I heard from the job interview. They are moving on to the next phase. I guess Im cool with it. Hopefully I will be in the best position after I give my notice. If they offer to up my salary where it should be, considering that Im the #11 recruiter in the entire company....Then I may stay and try to hold out. Who knows.

We had a meeting today and they asked us veterans to mentor the new people. They laughingly said my person was not going to be here long enough for me to mentor. They just dont know...LOL. Im outta here as soon as possible. Sooner, if possible.

Soooo what else? Hmmmmm.....I am in the best place today. Uh oh. Wait. Drama alert. This gay guy in the next cube is telling my coworker that he is straight now, and holy. Ok, good for you. The dude is flaming. I think its only going to last until he meets somebody because last week he was over here crying because he is lonely.

My world is a circus. I have so many things spinning, flying, bouncing around. Im so excited about the upcoming visit. Im nervous about the preparations that need to be made. Im scared of this job opportunity. If I take it I will have to work, and try, and learn. Right now I can sit on my butt, barely make an effort and succeed anyway. Am I up to the task? Im concerned about my new friend "S". She is going through so much. I can only pray for her.

I guess today's post is all over the place, just like my mind. I have plans to make. I have to dust my nasty ceiling fan. Oh man, she better not go in my walkin closet or she may never be found. Im going to leave now, and stress in peace and quiet. Pray that I dont have a nervous breakdown.

Sing A Rainbow

Today's Mood: Can a person be totally bored and totally excited at the same time? Hmmm



I went on my interview and it was very, very good. I like the company and the philosophy. The person that I met with was excited to see me, and practically offered me the job right there. He showed me "my" office, and introduced me around. I like it, but as I said, the money is not what I need it to be. It has potential. We will see. It is much less micro-managed than here.

So the title of this post is weird, huh? Its from an old song that we used to sing in honors chorus. It has been playing in my head all day. One of the lyrics is "listen with your heart, and sing everything you see". Thats what Im doing. I decided to listen to the beat of my heart and just go with it. Im going to speak my mind. Let it all hang out. LOL

Today, I told my Baby exactly how I feel about her. How much I love her. How much Im not pressed about anything that she does. I love everything about her, and Im happy with her efforts. We may have our differences, and we definitely have to live with her relationship. To have a second of her love is worth more than anything.

Yeah enough of all that. Im not feeling too mush right now. I feel...straightforward. I just want it out there that these are my feelings, I acknowledge them. The way I feel changes nothing that is our reality, but I see them, I will feel them until they change. Im not going to ignore them or act like they are something other than what they are. And Im bad enough to say that I know she loves me too, whether she wants to confront her feelings or not. So there.

A friend of mine told me that she is looking for a bad beyotch. No a bad-ride-or-die-beyotch. Im on my way to that point. I am so content to listen with my heart and just be.

Blah, blah. Tomorrow I will be trippin about something, so lets all bask in this rare moment of still un-medicated clarity.

Want to talk about "S"? Well we talked tonight. She is a nice lady. Her situation sux. She is being yo-yo'd by her ex. The girl knows she still loves her, so even though she is dating someone new, she still keeps S dangling. Its not right. Until S gets to the point where she is numb and healing, she will stay at this girls beck and call. I tried to tell her tonight that she needs to keep doing what she is doing-casually dating a few people and hanging with her friends. She needs a lot of healing time.

What else? I guess I can rant about my thieving azz kid. I don't know what its going to take to straighten him out, but Im not dealing with his mess anymore. I can't kill him, so I guess I just have to help him work through his issues. Its ok, as long as he maintains some level of respect, Im ok. He will either figure it out or get locked up.

So thats about it for today. I guess Im going to bed.

Clipped Wings

Today's Mood: Good, Lazy, Relaxed

Ok, so I know today's title is a little dramatic. Maybe its because Ive sat on my fat azz all day looking at reality shows. And luvin it. Its been a perfectly lazy day. I literally did not do jack, except for cook a meal and run to the grocery store. I didnt get out of my tshirt and boxers. Perfection.

So to recap Sunday. I cleaned up my place, and once again resolved to start looking for a new space. I don't hate this one, I just want an upgrade. One thats not going to cost much more than this one but is a little better. Im not even sure Im staying in Houston, so thats not a major issue right now.

Back to my day-I started cleaning my closets, then decided that is way too much work for right now. I went out for crawfish with my new friend, lets call her "S" for now. We met up at this little place down the street from my apartment. She was a perfect "gentlewoman" lol, opening doors, pulling out my chair. All this from someone who swears that she is not into roles and all that jazz. I just laughed. Oh wait-I forgot. On the way there, a car pulled up beside me blowing the horn all hard. I thought something was wrong, a light out or my gas tank open so I slowed down. These guys were trying to holla at me, and acting all nutty. I politely said no thank you and continued on to my destination.

Why did they follow me to the restaurant? Then he came over to my car and kept trying to talk. I said I was meeting "my woman" (lol the whole time) and I was not interested. He was like "ooooh" and said "well, can I still get your number anyway?" LOL I hate when they do that. So while he is hanging all over my car, "S" drives up. She doesn't know my car so she didnt even look over. I bounced out of the car so fast, telling the guy he was gonna get me beat up. Poor "S" had no clue. lol It was so funny. I know she was wondering why I ran over to her so fast.

We had a nice time talking and laughing. We mainly talk about her recent breakup. I keep telling her that she needs to go slow, and live her emotions. It won't do her or whoever she dates next any good for her to keep squashing them down. She needs to go through the pain, the tears, all of it. She needs to be sure she is ready to start moving on. She does understand that and accepts that she is not ready for a relationship. Thats what makes it cool for us to hang out-no expectations at all.

She knows my heart is preoccupied and she accepts that. I know she has tons of healing to do (and tons of other women that she dates) so we are cool with being friends. I asked myself if she could really be someone special to me. The answer is a loud "Dont know". She is sexy, intelligent, all that, but I can't see her as more right now. Maybe its because she is not showing me all of herself, maybe its because my heart is taken. Who knows? She is great for a few laughs and an occasional meal.

Holidays-I guess if I have to be honest, I should talk about my holiday blues problem. I get so lonely on days like this. Family and friend days. My few close friends are out of town this weekend. I find myself alone, as usual. I don't know why I still get depressed after all of these years. It makes me sad, makes me miss my family. I think this year was a little better because I did just stay in the house to myself. I didnt surround myself with strangers, faking like I welcomed their company. I just did me, and did whatever I wanted to do. I didn't cry this time. I wasn't really blue. It just hurt a little.

I wonder if I will ever feel like part of a family again. I wonder if I am destined to always be alone. I don't fear that, I think Im resigned to it. I heard once that people are allotted a certain amount of luck in their lives and when they use it up, then thats that. Maybe its the same with love. I know I was so loved by my Granny and my family. Maybe that is all Im entitled to. I won't complain. I have been very blessed to have been treated the way I was. If I never feel that blanket of security and warmth again, then its ok.

So thats enough melancholy stuff. Tomorrow Im back in the hellhole called work. I have a job interview tomorrow (if I go) so I need to scheme on an explanation for why Im all dressed up. Maybe I wont dress up since I already met with the guy. I highly doubt he can pay me what Im making now anyway. We shall see.

Til tomorrow....

Lazy Weekend

Today's Mood: Lazy and Cool

Sorry I forgot to write in yesterday. It was such an uneventful day, there was nothing major to talk about. Everything is cool with me and my Baby. We talked sporadically throughout the day. Little popcorn convos but still sweet to me. I know she is trying and I am going to see her efforts through new eyes. She can only do so much, and I appreciate every tiny thing that she does as much as the big things. I feel like thats where we started falling off. I stopped looking at the little things. Thats not going to happen again. I love that girl, and that is that.

Today I look so fly-lol. Im lookin kinda gangsta. I have on jeans and a black, see-thru shirt. Blue and black scarf, and gypsy earrings. I look sexy. The problem is I am at work. Im trying to see just how much time I can waste before its time to go. Ive been here 35 minutes and have not done jack.

This is going to be a good weekend. I have a few things going on that Im lookin forward to. Motown in the park... Martini Party.... Stuff.

Im in a great mood today, other than feeling lazy as hell. Im feeling sensual and sexual. I want to make slow love, maybe play with feathers or something. I want all of my senses caressed-slowly. Thats how I feel.

Keep It Moving

Today's Mood-Blah

Im changing the intro to this blog. I am deleting the part about not being crazy. I am officially insane, just like the rest of these nutty lesbians. Anyone reading the yo-yo of this blog can easily see it, so why deny the facts?

Im feeling so terrible. This flu or whatever is wearing me out. Im trying to keep up a happy face but its so hard. I didnt go to work yesterday, and im only working part of the day today. Im miserable and my bed is calling me.

On to the love stuff. Its fine today, I guess. We talked and decided (again) that we are not ready to let each other go. Its almost comical the way we act. I love her, she loves me. Neither of us is capable of releasing the other. That is rare for me. Im the "cut your losses and run" queen. Im the fastest person in the world at saying "screw this, Im out". Not this time.

I really don't have much to add. Im content loving her and Im guessing she is content to feel the way she feels for me.

This weekend should be a good test for us. I want to see if the drama we have been through has changed our relationship for the worse. Im sick, so I cant phone sex her to death. She is going to be out of touch for the next few days. I wonder if the distance will make her miss me more or if it will push me out of her mind. I don't think so, because I know she has me in her heart.

Im in such a fog, I cant even really focus on the words I need to say. Im going to cut this short and go medicate. Hopefully I will be more insightful later, and I can add more to the blog. Otherwise Im gonna keep it moving and see where the wind blows us.

Not So Great

Today's Mood: So sick, so tired

Im not feeling well at all. Im physically ill. My body aches, my head aches, my throat aches. I can barely move but I have to drag myself into the office in a little while. That sux so bad.

Im also feeling a little blue because of the way things ended with my baby. Its so strange not to look forward to her calls. Not to chat with her all morning.

I don't feel like we have closure yet. We have talked each other to death but we haven't really said goodbye. Not yet, but I feel like its right around the corner.

I think its time for me to go back into my cave. I ventured out for a little while. After my ex and I broke up, I promised myself that I would never be vulnerable again. She hurt me so badly, messed up my own perception of myself. I was never, ever going to let anyone else in, not even a little.

I let this one in. She touched places that nobody ever even knew were there. Sometimes she made me feel things I didnt know I was capable of feeling.

All I know is that this is not going to happen again. Not for a long time, if ever. Im keeping any newcomers at arms length. Im never giving all of myself to anyone again, no way.

Im still in awe at how much she meant to me. I never knew that I could feel like this. Today, Im not even really distraught. Maybe its the massive amounts of cold medicine thats blocking the pain. Im just amazed that I could care so much. I never knew.

Hmmmmm......

Mood Swing 2000-Currently not happy

I am so totally just ugh right now. I dont know what to do with this girl. Actually, I do know exactly what to do.

Its time for this thing to screech to a halt.

Basically she told me that I can be her piece of azz. I can know that in her heart she loves me but she cannot show me because I will start to have "unrealistic expectations" of where our relationship is going,

Now, hmmmm. I looked back over everything we have discussed. I have never, ever said that I wanted her to leave her wife. I have never ever said to come to me. I have told her that I love her, I have told her that she is the first person that I truly loved.................ugh angry feelings swamping me but Im cool. Im cool. Im cool.

I told her many, MANY times that if she left her wife I wouldnt want her right away. She would have too much healing to do to come to me all incomplete and incoherent and shyt.

Soooooooooooo

I don't see anywhere that I had an unrealistic expectation because she treated me with love, passion, and extravagance of feelings. I dont see anything that said that I was trying to make it anything more than what it is.

Now....She is the one who admits to making things blow all out of proportion. She is the one who was looking at leaving her home. I talked her out of that tree sooooo many times. We were so happy. Things were perfect between us. But SHE is the one who felt like she was starting to want to make changes. Not me.

So her brilliant solution is to pull back, basically let me be a hot piece of SC azz. Soneone that can stimulate her mentally and physically. But someone willing to settle for scraps of meager affection. I can get tons of orgasms and nasty talk. But the tenderness and consideration-um no. The I love yous, the you complete me's....um hell to the no. And she loves me so much that she is asking me to live like this? wow

Oh I know there would be some love u's and whatnot sprinkled in. I get that. But the passion that made this thing worth doing on my side of the table-buh bye. And I reiterate-she loves me sooooo very much that she feels this is good enough for me.

Ummmmm hell no?